First of all, let me start off by saying you are awesome. Totally amazing. I’m impressed and really consider myself super blessed that, though you are of modest proportions, you can totally provide all the food Smunchie needs right now. Not to mention the 4 babies before her. And it’s not just any food. It’s super food! The acai berry thing advertised all over the place doesn’t hold a candle to the goodness you provide. Plus there will be no “it’s not as great as we thought” scandal happening about your goods. Nope, you are the real thing. You rock! No really, sometimes you are a pair of rocks. But figuratively, you rock too.
However, there are few aspects of your awesomeness that we need to work on.
- Not all babies are your babies. It is sweet really, that you want to be sure every baby you come into contact with isn’t going to go hungry, really it is. But other babies have mommies and I’m sure they are feeding them. So it’s not your job. No need to be “all systems go!” upon spotting a little person under the age of one year old. You need to calm down.
- Crying does not need to be an automatic on switch! I get it. It is a design thing. Baby cries and you start leaking, an instant response to the call for food. I wish chocolate would dispense like that for me but alas, that would probably be a bad thing. Coffee probably should do that for me. You don’t have to do this. Not all crying means “feed me!” And not all cries come from your baby. For real. This can stop. Our baby has gotten quite good at getting the milk out of you now, you don’t have to go soaking through my shirt in an attempt to silence all cries.
- You are highly suggestible. Words like “leak,” “leaky,” “breastmilk,” “nursing,” etc. do not mean “faucet. on. now.” Aaaaaaaaaaaand, somebody looking at you is not another signal for you to get to work. I know, I know, sometimes people look even when you’re covered and put away and while I find it a little confusing myself, it is most likely just curiosity. Though I have to admit your size is significantly more noticeable in your current lactating state than we normally have. But not everyone who checks you out is looking for a free instant meal! In fact, most would be rather grossed out if I offered. So please stop that.
- This last one is a little, well, intimate. I’m thrilled that you still enjoy the whole “other side” of your potential. That you can understand being both a feeding machine and sex goddess is really awesome. Thank you for still being willing to have fun. There’s just one request I have regarding that. If I’m going to get to have sex without a bra on you have got to stop spraying all over the place just when it gets really good! Oh my gosh! Girlfriends, that is… so… freaking… annoying. I understand your excitement, good grief I’m excited too but in that time and place, in that exact moment, your contribution is really to just be there, feel good and look pretty. Showering your contents all over actually puts a damper on the moment. I don’t let it slow me down but I notice and it does distract me. Fortunately, for you and me, The Piano Man and I don’t let you rain on our parade and we still have, er, fun. Though I guess you do… rain on our parade. Maybe it would be better to say we let the parade go on anyway.
Overall, I think you’re great. In fact, you have taught me a lot and far exceeded my expectations. I’m proud of you. You can do amazing things like feed babies, have fun, shoot milk across the room, and more. There are just a few things that if you could work on, I’d really appreciate. Thanks for listening and being so awesome. We’re all good. So, yeah, thanks for everything. Love ya babes.