by Jessica Martin-Weber
Women have been getting pregnant, having babies, and breastfeeding for a long time. Since, well, the dawn of time. One would think all the stupid comments about these facts of life would have been said enough already that everyone would understand to never say them again. Yet, according to this thread with Leakies on Facebook, that is hardly the case. Stupidity still predictably spews forth from the mouths of strangers, friends, coworkers, and family members alike onto nauseated, bloated mothers-to-be everywhere. Here’s a collection of some of our favorite and in case you were wondering, this would be a list of what NOT to say to a pregnant woman. Ever. Particularly if you value your life.
Was it planned?
Seriously? You are actually asking that question?
You can tell its a girl. Girls steal the mother’s beauty, from the moment they’re conceived!
What?! That’s pretty much the same as walking up to a pregnant woman and telling them they are ugly but it’s ok, their baby girl will be pretty. It’s also asking for a woman hopped up on hormones that fluctuate with every craving who is likely struggling to control her own bladder on a regular basis to try to control herself and refrain from tearing the speaker apart. Literally. You can tell you’re an idiot, did some baby steal your brains?
Whoa, you look like you’re ready to burst.
Oh gee, like we haven’t heard that before. You look like you’re ready to get slapped. Whoa, looks like you didn’t get the memo on what stupid stuff not to say to a pregnant lady.
Are you sure there’s just one in there because you are huge!
Thank you because this morning I was feeling especially trim and comfortable. Said no pregnant lady ever. Is it my turn now? Can I speculate freely on why you look the way you do?
If you’re nauseated and/or throwing up you should eat crackers and ginger.
NOOOOOOOOOOO way! Really? How did I not think of that? How come nobody in the past 3 months has thought to share this information with me every single chance they could get?
You know what causes that, right?
Stop thinking this is clever. It is not clever. Nobody that has ever heard this has thought it was clever. In fact, they’ve all had pretty much the opposite thought. And I might even say I’m more familiar with the process of what causes that than you are. The real question is do you know what causes angry pregnant women? Stupid people making stupid comments they think are clever. And saying this to my husband, the father-to-be, is just as stupid.
Still pregnant? Are you ever going to have that baby?
Nope. I just haven’t gotten around to giving birth because I’m so lazy. I plan to cross my legs and keep it in there FOREVER because it is really just so comfortable. Not going to have it just so I can annoy you and hear more rude and stupid things from insensitive people making unwanted comments on my pregnancy.
Oh you just look miserable!
Actually I feel okay, but glad to hear I look so awful. Thanks. Going to go cry now. That was mean. You may not have meant it to be mean but it was mean.
Looks like you’re getting close!
Close to what? Peeing my pants? Puking on you? Punching someone? No, 3 months to go still but thanks for reminding me that I’m freakishly large and will barely be able to walk in 8 weeks.
I could tell it’s a girl/boy because your boobs/butt/cheeks are bigger.
That’s just… strange. Creepy strange. Creepy strange, crazy rude. Please stop looking at me to compare how my body has changed. And if you do notice something, don’t even think of mentioning it to me. On what planet is it ok to say something like that?
You don’t look pregnant from behind.
Well that’s because my uterus is in the front.
Sleep while you can, it’s going to be hard once the baby is here!
Oh yeah because it is so easy to sleep when there’s another person inhabiting your body, kicking your bladder, holding dance parties, and squishing your stomach so you have indigestion. Doesn’t everybody know it’s not like you can bank your sleep anyway?
Are you allowed to eat that? You should eat/shouldn’t eat XYZ (whatever it is you’re craving and can keep down).
Sorry, you’re not my health care provider and I’m my own boss. Do NOT get in the way of a pregnant lady and her food. It won’t end well for anyone. Capiche?
Hopefully next time you’ll get your boy/girl.
Right because the whole reason we would have another child was to get one with a certain set of genitals.
I just love to touch big ol’ pregnant bellies!
Maybe the pregnant bellies don’t want to be touched.
You’re so tiny, you don’t even look pregnant. You’re not starving that baby are you? Beauty isn’t worth it, you want a healthy baby, right?
Thanks. Thanks a lot. The implication that you think I’m abusing my child for vanity’s sake is beyond rude.
Do you know what you’re having?
Well, we thought maybe a puppy but they chew things and you have to house train them so we’re hoping for a hamster. We get it, you’re curious about the sex of our baby but really, it’s time to find a different way to ask this question or, even better, just wait to see if we want you to know because if we do, we’ll volunteer that bit of information if we even know it ourselves.
You’re planning to have a c-section/vaginal/unmedicated birth? Oh that’s crazy and here’s why you’ll change your mind on that.
I’m sorry, did I give the impression that I give a crap what you think about how I will be having my baby? Because I don’t.
How far dilated are you?
The state of my cervix is not up for discussion, thanks.
Oh you plan to breastfeed? Most women can’t keep up with what their baby needs, it will completely drain you so be sure to get some formula and bottles.
It’s a miracle anybody survived before there was formula. Formula can be a helpful option for feeding a baby when needed but I’m not going into this assuming something is wrong.
Having babies ruins women’s bodies.
Being pregnant ruins women’s patience and saying misogynistic, insulting comments to a pregnant woman could very well end up ruining your face.
Oh you’re pregnant and going to give birth! Here’s my/my friend’s nightmare of a pregnancy and birth story to make you feel so confident and excited for your own!
I bet you tell your children all the scary things that can happen at night just before they go to bed too, don’t you?
There are more but these were our favorites. As in favorites to never, ever hear again to any pregnant woman anywhere.