Saving sanity- Transitioning from breastfeeding naps to quiet time

by Jessica Martin-Weber

needing a break bad mom

Sponsored post.  This post is made possible by the generous support of Arms Reach Cosleeper.

 

I recently wrote about quiet time over on our more general site, BeyondMoi.com, and was asked about quiet time and breastfeeding.  Hundreds of questions pour into TLB every day about breastfeeding and nap time, sibling transition, postpartum depression, overwhelmed moms, touched out syndrome, and general burnout are regular topics.  So here’s one of my sanity saving tips for families: quiet time and how to transition the breastfeeding child into independent quiet time.

The old adage to sleep when baby sleeps is all well and good when you have a newborn and only a newborn and that newborn sleeps.  But what about when they’ve grown into active toddlers?  Or when you have an extroverted preschooler and a newborn?  When do you find some time to recharge and rest during the day if you’re a stay at home or work at home parent and especially if you’re a breastfeeding mom?  Maybe you can find some rest helping them rest but when a part of your body is required to help someone else sleep, there can come a point when one’s very sanity is threatened.  So how do you find space and help the small children grow into adults that can appreciate time alone as well and develop respect for others’ sensitivities?

Parenting is hard.  Maybe not the hardest job in the world, but certainly a challenging demand with responsibilities 24/7.  No other relationship or career requires participating individuals to be so continuously available or interacting.  If I had to spend as much time with my friends as I do my children, chances are strong we wouldn’t be friends.  Getting space from each other, yes, even from my children, helps me interact as the mother I want to be when I’m with them.  In other words, I’m super grump mom when quiet time doesn’t happen and my children are too.  True, I’m an introvert (a shock to some, but an introvert is described as someone that gets energy from being alone and an extrovert gets energy from being with people) but even the extroverts I know appreciate a bit of space to themselves from time to time.  Being “on” all the time is exhausting.  In our family, with 9 of us at 2, 4, 6, 11, 13, 13 (foster daughter), 15, and two thirty-somethings, it is imperative to all our sanity that we find space in time to call our own.  Even just 45-90 minutes a day.

But what about the toddler or preschooler that is accustomed to breastfeeding for their midday siesta?  What about when they’re ready to drop a nap all together but quiet time is still needed for everyone?  How can everyone get the space and quiet time they need as stages and ages change?

Personally, I’ve transitioned 5 out of our 6 children from breastfeeding to sleep at nap time, to taking quiet alone time as toddlers and preschoolers and transitioned one of them from nap to quiet time without breastfeeding involved. Transitioning the breastfeeding toddler or preschooler from naps to quiet time isn’t a process that should be rushed.  Like night weaning, there’s no magic age but rather a collection of readiness signals for both mom and the child.  For us it usually doesn’t happen until sometime after 18 months, usually closer to 2 or 2.5 years old.  Signs of readiness include: down to one nap a day, able to play independently for 20 minutes or more, demonstrates a natural inclination for balancing being active and quieter play, and displays a secure attachment.  Whether transitioning to going down without breastfeeding or shifting to a quiet time rather than a nap time, something that can go back and forth for years actually, following the child’s cues helps make the transition easier.  When I’ve been tempted to force something they weren’t ready for it just stressed us all and set us back.  Still, there’s a balance to be struck, mommy martyrdom leads to burnout and stress for the entire family.  Quiet time may be the oxygen mask a parent needs, figuring out how that works for your family may be all that is standing between you and saving your sanity.

My own needs for space and quiet time as an introvert led to me noting the need to nurture the nurturer and to find ways to do so.  With my fingernails desperately clinging to the cracked foundation of my spirit during postpartum depression with my second and my first period as a stay at home parent, I croaked out to my husband how I was failing but couldn’t find my footing without having space to do so.  Fortunately, the sensitive, introverted man I am in love with didn’t hesitate to make some room for me to find that footing even as he helped secure my life line: quiet time.  Admitting I needed a break felt like some sort of failure.  Moms don’t need breaks!  They need aprons and bowls of cookie dough and a baby carrier for the littlest and everyone is happy then!  Right?  That I needed a break not just once in a while but every day felt like I wasn’t cut out for this mothering gig.  Which was incredibly problematic since I already had 2 children by this point.  What was I going to do, give them back?  The horrible reality that maybe I was a bad mom started to sink in and I wasn’t about to give in, I was going to do whatever I could to change that.  Maybe I was a bad mom but my kids were stuck with me and I wasn’t ready to give up, just had to figure out how to keep it together.

Quiet time did more than help me keep it together, it gave me time to drink a cup off coffee, fill the journal The Piano Man gave me with poetry and thoughts, and gave me the space to find my footing to be the kind of mom I want to be.  Needing a break didn’t mean I was a bad mom, just a human one.

So when my nurslings no longer need to breastfeed for naps or quiet time but we still practice the daily ritual of quiet time for everyone in our homeschooling home, we gently guide the transition.  If they are still napping, instead of nursing to sleep, we nurse for 10 minutes or just before sleep and then stop and read something together before putting space between us. Gradually decreasing the amount of time at the breast while still engaging in physical connection through a back rub, light foot massage (with some lavender oil, so relaxing), reading cuddles, etc., meets that need for physical attachment while helping them prepare for some alone space.  We start them out having quiet time in the same room, I’ll just be sitting in a chair across the room while they play in the bed. Sometimes even in bed together but I’ll sit and read my own book and not interact. Building forts or creating a nap nest or book nook helps too, working together to create the space, then have them go in and have alone time in the space. When they start to give up naps, a snack during quiet time can be helpful and a distraction. When we’re in the same space, I just tell them I won’t be talking to them and even avoid eye contact during the designated time.  Making use of a timer such as 30 minute sand timer (oh how the eyes get heavy watching the sad) or the alarm on a smart phone (pick a sound that won’t be too startling should they fall asleep) can give them a goal with a definite end point.  Now with big kids in the mix, sometimes a younger one will take quiet time with an older one, quietly side by side reading or coloring.  For extroverts, making sure the coming out of quiet time transition is one that engages them fully is so important. With our extroverts we like to ask them about their quiet time experience, what they did, what they thought about, what they created, etc. We just let them talk. Having the conversation while doing some other activity is good too, such as cooking or playing outside.

As with all transitions, it’s best if it isn’t abrupt.  One day she’ll settle just fine on her own and even tell me to go away, the next I may end up nursing her to sleep.  Being flexible and attentive to her needs as well as mine helps us all find the balance we need.

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Dear Kathleen- Nursing strikes, biting, low weight gain, and painful breastfeeding in pregnancy

We receive hundreds of emails and messages daily from Leakies looking for help and information in their breastfeeding journey.  As so many seek support from us, we are so honored to have the support of Kathleen Huggins, IBCLC and author of The Nursing Mothers’ Companion.  Kathleen is jumping on board with The Leaky Boob to have a regular article answering Leaky questions every month.  The questions will be selected from the huge pool we get in every day to try and help cover the wide range of topics about which Leakies are asking.  These questions are from real moms and represent hundreds of requests for more information in the past few weeks.  Please understand that this is simply the professional opinion of one International Board Certified Lactation Consultant in an informal setting and is not intended to replace the care of a health care provider.  Kathleen is offering support and information, not diagnosing or prescribing treatment.  For your health and safety, please seek the care of a qualified physician and/or IBCLC.  Kathleen does have limited availability for phone or online consultations, see her website  for more information.

Bfing tip low supply sleep on it

Dear Kathleen,

I need help!! I struggled to breastfeed my now 10 month old. After 3 months of struggle we made it and he has been breastfeeding beautifully. I work long hours and pump at work but have had a great supply. I just returned from a 5 day trip where I pumped and dumped and during that time my milk supply went from 24 oz a day to less then 15. Now my baby latches but cries after about 5 min on each side. He calms with expressed milk in a bottle. What do I do now to increase my supply back? I wanted to make it to a year and am heartbroken that I may have to stop sooner!! Help!!

Desperately yours,

Heartbroken for Milk

 

Hi there Heartbroken for Milk,

So sorry about your difficulty.  There are several things you can do.  First of all, I would make sure that you are using the best possible pump, like a Hygeia. If you don’t have a strong pump, you might consider either getting one or renting a clinical grade pump, like a Symphony, or an Ameda Platinum.  I would be sure that between pumpings and nursings that your breasts are being drained at least 7 times each 24 hours.  Having your breasts emptied less than this will keep your supply at the level it is at now.  The other thing I would suggest is More Milk Plus from Motherlove Herbals.  If you go to their website, you may be able to find a local distributor or order it directly from Motherlove.  This herbal product contains fenugreek and three other milk stimulating herbs.  Keep in mind that teas are a weak form of any herb and may not help much.  For a a short while you may also want to nurse before offering solids and once your supply increases, you can offer solids first, but again try to keep the number of nursings remain at a minimum of seven per 24 hours.  If your baby wakes in the night, welcome those nursings for now.

Best wishes too you!

Kathleen

 

Dear Kathleen,

My 10 month old bit me and I yelped, which made her cry. That was 6 days ago and since then she’s completely refused to nurse. She was exclusively breastfed before introducing solids and has never had formula. She won’t take a bottle and will only drink water from a sippy cup. I tried offering expressed breastmilk in an open cup but she wouldn’t have it. I’ve been mixing express breastmilk into her food but that’s all she’s been having. My supply is going and I can only pump a few oz a day. I’ve tried nursing her asleep, warm baths, skin-to-skin, everything, but she still refuses. Everything I’ve read says 10 months is too early to wean and that nursing strikes are temporary, but every day I feel more hopeless. I offer every couple of hours. She has three meals a day. I’m worried she’s missing out on essential nutrition, and even if I had to give formula I don’t know how I’d get it into her. I miss breastfeeding so much, I just want it back. 

Thank you for your help,

Not Ready to Wean

 

Dear Not Ready to Wean,

Tough situation!  At this point, be sure that you are expressing milk at least 7 times each 24 hours with an excellent pump to keep your production high.  You are certainly been doing the right things with co-bathing and lots of skin to skin.  I would offer your milk with an ordinary cup rather than a sippy cup with your guidance and see if she prefers that over the sippy cup.  I would also suggests seeing if she will nurse while asleep or very sleepy maybe while you lie down together in a darkened room.  Final words, hang in there.  Nursing strikes usually end as suddenly as they begin!

Good luck!

Kathleen

 

Dear Kathleen,

My son is 8 1/2 months and exclusively breast fed, and the last couple months has a side preference when he wants to relax or fall asleep. He has 6 teeth and is still in the teething process. My problem is, he bit his preferred nipple 3 times in 24 hours, drawing blood the first couple times. Now, I am trying to give it some time to heal, but he has a total meltdown when I don’t let him nurse on that side! 

Any suggestions to help him through this while I attempt to heal would be much appreciated! 

Sincerely,

Wounded Nipple

 

Dear Wounded,

I hope that you are expressing your milk very often with an excellent pump, at least 7 times each 24 hours.  I would also suggest feeding on that side using other positions that irritate the wounded nipple less, like “football” hold or having him straddle your thigh and then come onto the breast.  If the nipple is open after 5 days, it may then be time for an antibiotic as bites can easily become infected and then not only are they slow to heal, but you can also develop mastitis.  There are other healing remedies like Motherlove’s Nipple Cream which you may be able to find if you visist Motherlove’s website.  It contains several healing herbs and can work quickly unless there is already bacteria in the wound.  Also, you may want to learn more about biting.  If you visit my website, Kathlenhggins.com, I have a blog about “biting”.  This needs to stop!

Kathleen

 

Dear Kathleen,

I still breastfeed my just 2 year old and am 15 weeks pregnant. Breastfeeding is now VERY painful contributed by a very poor latch I think (there are teeth marks left behind on my nipples). It is no longer pleasant for me and I find myself feeling anger and resentment during feeding. The problem is my toddler is not ready to stop, she feeds on waking and before sleeps so it in entrenched in those routines. No amount of distraction, food or drink offerings or cuddles can stop endless sobbing and clawing at me. I’m at a loss.  

Thank you, 

Unpleasant Breastfeeding

 

Hi Unpleasant Breastfeeding,

There are a few things you can try.  First of all it is very common for nipples to be tender during pregnancy.  They may improve as your pregnancy continues.  With that and the marks from your toddlers teeth, it is no surprise that you are suffering through nursings!  There is nothing that can be done about your pregnancy nipple soreness, but you can help the problem with your toddler’s latch. Because the baby’s mouth tends to drag down the breast tissue, it may be important to lift her upwards by using a pillow and lifting your breast upward.    Experiment with other nursing positions to see which positions are more comfortable and which  avoid letting her chin rest on her chest, trying to get her head tilted back a little more.  Try and offer your breast with the nipple pointing downward and wait for a wide open mouth before latching. Feel free to use lanolin after nursings.

With all that being said, if you are still wanting to stop nursing, you can do that too! If you are only nursing in the morning and just before sleep, you and your partner can both help out.  She really is mostly weaned at this point!

For now, I would suggest tackling just one nursing at a time.  When she wakes, start of new routine of an early breakfast and some sort of play or other activity. Without telling her  ”No”, let her know you are “saving the milk” until nap time, using whatever words she understands. Think of all the things she loves to do and substitute any of those things, Once you have that morning one gone, pick another, maybe the nighttime or nap time nursing. One the week-end, or in the evening, let your partner work his magic, with you out of sight.  Go take a walk. Perhaps Dad can help her off to sleep at night by making a new routine, like reading a book and rocking him for awhile.   A bath, a story and more rocking can certainly be a new way to distract her and soon you will have weaned. On the other hand, maybe one nursing a day is pleasant for the both of you.

See how changing the latch works. Move slowly on this, taking the nursings out just one at a time over a period of time until you are feeling better and she is adjusting.

Best wishes!

Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

I have a soon to be 5 months old infant who is breastfed since birth and the biggest challenge is his weight, he only weighs less than 13 lbs and his birth weight was 6 lbs 12 oz. I’ve fed him every 2 hours and now sometimes 3 hrs to 4. When I pump I only produced 2 oz total from both breasts which the pediatrician isn’t happy and is very concerned that he’s probably not getting enough milk.  He spit up a lot, lots of urinations and some common bowel movements but his doctor isn’t satisfied and we keep having to go back for a weekly or biweekly weight check and now the doctor wants me to start giving him rice cereal now which I’d rather wait til he is 6 months old so I dont know what to do.  I don’t want to do formula. This is my 4th child and my 3rd child to breastfeed.  With my last 2 children I breastfed and did produced good amount of milk but this time I’m not sure if I’m producing enough milk which is very discouraging for me.  I took fenugreek for 3 months but I wished I had known I should have taken blessed thistle along with fenugreek.  Any suggestion on how I can increase my milk supply? Could it be his latch?  It still hurts when he latches on and sucks on my nipples.  I’m trying to stay positive but I feet like a failure that my baby is probably not getting enough milk from me because of his very low weight for his age.  With my other two nurslings I had a wonderful lactation consultant but that was 7 years ago and we have moved, I don’t even know how to find a good consultant.  Please help!

Yours truly,

Worried but hopeful

 

Hi Worried,

It’s understandable that you are worried, when I plot out your baby on the World Health Organizations Breastfed Infant Growth Charts, which you can find on line, I see that we was born on the 15th %tile and he seems to now be on the 3rd %tile.  I think you can offer him more calories without having to resort to formula.  I don’t know when you are pumping in relation to a nursing, so that doesn’t help me much.  Your baby needs more milk which has more calories, so I agree that cereal is not the answer.

I would suggest a few things.  First of all, you need to aim for 7-8 nursings each 24 hours. I would not allow the baby to go without nursing for 3-4 hours.  Watch for early hunger cues, like finger sucking and offer your breast whenever you notice this.  If your baby uses a pacifier, I would put it away.  Welcome night time feedings as mothers produce more milk in the night time.  If he sleeps through the night, I would wake him before you go to bed, or even wake him after five hours of sleep.  During the day and evening, I would try and double pump after most of these nursings for 5-10 minutes and offer him that milk after the next nursing.  This milk will be very high in calories and help him gain more weight.  While not knowing what pump you have, be sure that it is a good one, like a Medela or Hygeia or you could even rent a clinical grade pump for awhile if you have doubts about the pump you are using.  If your nipples are larger than a penny, be sure to use a larger sized flange, like a size 27mm.

Next, I would add a strong herbal galactagogue, like More Milk Plus from Motherlove Herbals.  If you go to their website, you may be able to find a local distributor or order it directly from Motherlove.  It contains, fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, and two other milk stimulating herbs.  It usually takes 48-72 hours to kick in.  A second herb you can add is GoLacta.  Go to their website for ordering information, Using both of these together can really boost your supply.  At this point, I would like to see a daily weight gain of 1/2 ounce per day.  That is normal for this age.

If your periods have already resumed, you may see that your supply lessens between the time you ovulate and when your period resumes.  If that is the case, you can take 1000 mgms of Calcium and 500 mgms of magnesium every day until your period starts.  I am assuming that you are not on any estrogen containing birth control which definitely lessens milk supply,

If your baby is spitting up, that suggests reflux to me which can cause some babies to limit their nursings.  I would avoid any of the following the following foods and beverages; these include chocolate, all citrus fruits and their juices (including strawberry, pineapple and kiwi), the gassy veggies like onion (onion powder), garlic (garlic powder), peppers, cucumbers, cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts.  It may be your baby is reacting to the foods you’re eating, eliminating the most likely culprits first and then testing them by adding them back one at a time could help you figure out if one of these are the cause.  If this baby has the same Daddy as the others, and they had colic symptoms, you might also consider a trial off of all cow milk products for a short while to see if that helps with the spitting up.  Cow milk products can be an allergen which runs in certain families.

Lastly, if you want to find a lactation consultant, go to ILCA.org and scroll down to “Find a Lactation Consultant”, enter your info and some name should pop up.  If you have private insurance, they should cover the cost.

Best wishes to you and your baby!

Kathleen

Kathleen-HigginsKathleen Huggins RN IBCLC, has a Master’s Degree in Perinatal Nursing from U.C. San  Francisco, founded the Breastfeeding Warmline, opened one of the first breastfeeding clinics in  the United States, and has been helping breastfeeding mothers professionally for 33 years.  Kathleen  authored The Nursing Mother’s Companion in 1986 followed by The Nursing Mother’s Guide to Weaning.  Kathleen has also co-authored Nursing Mother, Working Mother with Gale Pryor, Twenty Five Things Every Breastfeeding Mother Should Know and The Nursing Mothers’ Breastfeeding Diary with best-friend, Jan Ellen Brown.  The Nursing Mothers’ Companion has also been translated into Spanish.  Mother of two now grown children, Kathleen retired from hospital work in 2004 and after beating breast cancer opened and currently runs Simply MaMa, her own maternity and breastfeeding boutique.  She continues to support breastfeeding mothers through her store’s “breastaurant,” online at The Leaky Boob, and in private consultations.  
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What your uterus wants you to know about breastfeeding

by Jessica Martin-Weber

I’ve tried to have a positive perspective on having my period but try as I might, I really just find it annoying, uncomfortable, and inconvenient.  It’s not that I don’t celebrate being a woman, it’s just that particular time of the month doesn’t inspire me to celebrate it just then.  I hate having my period.  But that doesn’t mean I hate my uterus, in fact, I love it.  My uterus has lost 6 babies and ached with the loss.  My uterus has carried 6 beautiful babies, held them as they grew, held onto them when my body wasn’t sure about going through with it, and pushed them out when it was time.  I kind of admire my uterus and I’m grateful for it even though about once a month I’d like it to find a temporary residence.  Uteruses are strong.

I don’t think I’m alone in the love/hate uterus relationship.  Perhaps the idea of celebrating your moon-flow, AKA period, sounds like asking you to dance around with joy at the prospect of wearing diapers, your fat jeans, revisiting 10th grade acne, and trying to munch celery through insatiable chocolate cravings while huddled in the fetal position with a hot pad on your lower belly watching your trusty old “Friends” or “Buffy” DVDs.  Except for the DVDs you’d probably rather go wait for 8 hours in line at DPS for your next fantastically freakish driver license head shot.  Yours never turn out fantastically freakish?  Great, that’s just me.  Fine, you’d rather pull your eyelashes out one by one or the proverbial go see your dentist.

However you feel about your uterus, breastfeeding does a uterus good.  Seriously, the way the whole thing works isn’t just good for baby, it’s usually good for mom too and right off the bat it starts with being good for your uterus.

newborn breastfeeding

 

If your uterus could talk (it can grow babies, why not talk?), here’s would your uterus would want you to know about breastfeeding:

 

It can save your life.

Potentially in more ways than one. But what really makes your uterus happy is that putting your baby to suckle at your breast stimulates the release of oxytocin in your brain which helps your uterus to clamp down.  That initial latch of your wee babe strengthens the natural contractions and if you haven’t already, helps you expel the placenta and make sure you don’t bleed to death.  It can help prevent a postpartum hemorrhage.  But don’t worry if your baby doesn’t want to breastfeed right after birth (give them a break, it was an eventful occasion, being born), this continues to work for as long as it takes for your uterus to reduce to it’s normal non gestating size.  Every time you put your brand new baby to your breast and endure a wave of contractions you may curse, swear, stomp your foot, breathe through clenched teeth hissing at your partner that next time HE’S having the baby but those painful afterbirth contractions that your nursing babe brings on are important.  And yes, it does get more painful with subsequent babies but it still does the job.  Hate it all you want but it is way better than hemorrhaging and it’s the body’s perfect way to make sure you’re safe and around for a long time.

 

 It helps you heal.

Along with signaling to the uterus it’s time to shrink back down, breastfeeding can help mom rest.  For many women, life just doesn’t let them have the time they need to really heal and that open wound in their uterus doesn’t get the rest it needs which can lead to mom becoming anemic, fatigued, sore, and taking longer to heal.  While there’s always a lot to do, breastfeeding can help busy moms take a load off in those early weeks with a hungry baby forcing them to sit and be still long enough to work on a good latch and fill up that little tummy.  Taking time to have skin to skin and foster the breastfeeding relationship, moms can reduce their healing time.  And because it can help reduce postpartum bleeding and menstrual bleeding, some women will experience a natural rise in iron levels which will be a real energy boost.

 

It can delay fertility.

With my last baby, my 6th full term pregnancy, I got a break from my monthly flow until 20 months postpartum.  Including pregnancy, that was almost 30 months off.  I’m not going to lie, I didn’t miss it one single bit.  This isn’t a guarantee but the majority of women experience a delay in the return of their fertility if they exclusively breastfeed (meaning no supplementation).  When baby is fed only at the mother’s breast the maternal body suppresses fertility to focus on continuing to grow this little person.  This would mean no period sometimes until full weaning happens though any time solid foods, supplementation, or artificial nipples are introduced it’s possible a woman’s cycle will return.  Sometimes that can be thrown off, usually if artificial nipples are used (yeah, even with bottles of the mother’s own pumped milk) but sometimes even if the mother only ever breastfeeds directly from the tap her cycle may return in the postpartum period.  But for those that experience suppressed fertility due to breastfeeding, it can be a nice break from their regular menstrual cycle.  Because there are no guarantees though, unless you are hoping to get pregnant again shortly after having your baby, some kind of birth control measures would be wise.

 

It can help with endometriosis and may help reduce cancer risks.

Because it is common for a woman’s menstrual cycle to be delayed while breastfeeding, women that have endometriosis may experience a stabilizing of the progression of their condition.  Causation or correlation, studies show that women that breastfeed have lower incidence of developing uterine, endometrial or ovarian cancer. 

 

Breastfeeding is no magic bullet that will save you, you may breastfeed and still get cancer, you may breastfeed and still experience a retained placenta or postpartum hemorrhage, you may breastfeed and struggle with endometriosis or have your fertility return right away.  But hey, a chance that you could get a break and make your uterus happy?  If you can, it could be a chance worth taking!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Normalizing breastfeeding flying the friendly skies- Delta says yes

 

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Worried about what it would be like to sit next to a woman breastfeeding on a plane?
It would look like this.

When the internet exploded with the news that Delta airlines had informed a woman that asked on twitter if she could breastfeed on their aircraft during an upcoming 6 hour flight she was facing with her 10 week old sides were immediately drawn.  The response was incredible with some joining in supporting a woman’s right to breastfeed anywhere they have the right to be with their child, others defending the airline’s right to have poorly trained employees or to have no official policy on the matter, some ranting on how disgusting/inappropriate/unnecessary it was to breastfeed, a few wondering why the woman even asked, a startling number saying individuals advocating for breastfeeding rights were bullying the multimillion dollar company, and a handful mocking those that challenged the corporation to move beyond a basic PR apology (that sounded more like “sorry you got upset” rather than “sorry we screwed up”) to have an official breastfeeding policy expressed on their website and their employees trained accordingly.  It was both awesome and overwhelming to watch.

Isn't this tweet a gem?  Unfortunately, it wasn't the only one like this.

Isn’t this tweet a gem? Unfortunately, it wasn’t the only one like this.

So when I realized just a few days later that the flight I was taking exactly one week after I wrote this post about the situation was actually on Delta rather than the airline I usually fly (Southwest) I laughed at the irony.  And got a little nervous.  I booked my flight through Orbitz weeks before and had simply looked for the least expensive option to get The Piano Man, Sugarbaby, and me to where we needed to be by the time we needed to be there.  I honestly would probably have avoided the airline if everything had happened before I booked my ticket.

But I’m glad I ended up on that ironic flight to Chicago on Delta.  Because the time honored tradition of protesting treatment and policies that are not benefiting the people still helps influence decision makers and though the venue may have changed to online rather than physical protests, the impact has not.  The airline worked on their apology and even better, they added this to their website:

Delta Breastfeeding policy on website copy

Which meant I was totally comfortable doing this:

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Normalizing breastfeeding flying the friendly skies- Delta says no

by Jessica Martin-Weber

*UPDATE as of 2.05pm 02.21.14  at the end of this post.*

I speak often about normalizing breastfeeding and what that would mean.  Sometimes this seems like a ridiculous topic, like normalizing breathing, eating, walking, or human decency.  Or like normalizing mammalian behaviors.  It just seems so… obvious.  Why in the world would you have to normalize something so… normal?

But the reality is that in many ways, though it is touted, preached, and at times elevated, in many ways breastfeeding isn’t normal.  Like it or not, I see a very real need for our culture to embrace breastfeeding as normal.  The reasons are many and I won’t go into them here right now but if breastfeeding was normal I know this twitter exchange would not have happened.

 

Delta airlines doesn't want moms to feed their babies without a cover.

Delta airlines doesn’t want moms to feed their babies without a cover.

Um, yikes.  Also, that pumping suggestion?  Completely unrealistic.  If she has to feed her baby every two hours, she’s going to have to empty her breast every two hours.  Which means she would need to pump 3 times on that flight AND give a bottle.  Wouldn’t it just be easier and less distracting if she wasn’t trying to juggle a bottle, a pump, and a baby in her handful of square inches on the plane?  Wouldn’t it be much less intrusive for everyone if she simply put her baby on her breast?

This is why breastfeeding needs to be normalized, as silly as that may sound.  It is also why discrimination against mothers, regardless of how they feed their children, needs to stop.  This isn’t even the first time that Delta has run into issues violating laws protecting breastfeeding, way back in 2006 the airline kicked a mother that refused to cover to feed her daughter off her flight.  She sued and they paid.  But apparently, they haven’t learned.  The Georgia based airline seems to be unaware of the law protecting breastfeeding not only in their home state, but the majority of the country as well:

Georgia Code – Health – Title 31, Section 31-1-9

The breast-feeding of a baby is an important and basic act of nurture which should be encouraged in the interests of maternal and child health. A mother may breast-feed her baby in any location where the mother and baby are otherwise authorized to be.

I’ve only flown Delta once with my nursling and thankfully had no issues but I was anxious the whole time knowing the airline’s irresponsible, anti-family past.  Since then, I intentionally only fly airlines that are clearly supportive of breastfeeding such as Southwest Airlines and not only have I had no problems, I’ve been encouraged with friendly smiles, extra water and snacks, and supportive conversations.

What has been your experience with breastfeeding and flying?  What airlines have you traveled with that were supportive of you feeding your baby as you saw fit?

*Edited to add*

I have seen numerous comments on Facebook and twitter asking why the mother asked, that she shouldn’t have asked. While I agree that she shouldn’t HAVE to ask, certainly we can all understand why she did.

This mother did nothing wrong by asking for clarification on the airline’s breastfeeding policy.  Going in prepared when traveling with an infant is perfectly reasonable and unfortunately, with the number of breastfeeding discrimination incidents in this country, a mother would have good reason to be concerned.  Please stop acting like she was wrong to ask. Our culture CLEARLY has issues when it comes to breastfeeding, she did nothing wrong in trying to be prepared. Asking was well within her right and understandable given the number of times mothers are harassed for feeding their babies. This very airline has even gone so far as to kick a woman OFF one of their flights for feeding her child. Stop with the victim blaming please. 

I understand asking, unfortunately there have been enough bad experiences to make moms want to be prepared. This same airline was sued a few years ago for kicking a breastfeeding mom off a flight for not covering.

*UPDATE* The @Delta account on Twitter responded to the storm of tweets questioning the breastfeeding policy @DeltaAssist told @Classichippie.

Delta's other verified account responds

Delta’s other verified account responds

So I asked what they were going to do about it.  They replied:

Don't worry, they apologized.

Don’t worry, they apologized.

An apology is great and an important first step.  But there’s nothing to ensure such discrimination won’t happen again.

That's nice but not good enough.

That’s nice but not good enough.

One anonymous current employee shared that they receive absolutely no training about how to handle to treat breastfeeding mothers or of the airline’s breastfeeding policy.  This employee has experienced that such lack of training can result in an employee making a misstep such as @DeltaAssist apparently did and then be terminated as a result.  This hardly seems professional or fair.  The employees and the customers deserve better treatment.  I hope the social media representative keeps their job and is instrumental in helping the company implement a successful training program for all Delta employees in support of ending breastfeeding discrimination.

But perhaps the issue really isn’t about breastfeeding discrimination at all and rather a low view of woman as being little more than sex objects?  Thanks to @KellyKautz for this capture demonstrating that the airline is more than willing to encourage women to flaunt their breasts as long as they aren’t covered by a feed baby.

Screen capture by @KellyKautz of two tweets regarding women's breast by Delta social media representatives less than an hour apart.

Screen capture by @KellyKautz of two tweets regarding women’s breast by Delta social media representatives less than an hour apart.

 

 *UPDATE 2.05pm PST on 02.21.14

@ClassicHippie tweeted that she has not seen an apology from the airline.

Delta breastfeeding policy twitter fake apology

 

 

Delta breastfeeding policy twitter apology

What do you think?  What can Delta now do to communicate a clear family friendly policy that supports breastfeeding and trains their employees (including their social media representatives) accordingly?

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Dear Kathleen- Too much and not enough, weaning and supply during monthly cycle

We receive hundreds of emails and messages daily from Leakies looking for help and information in their breastfeeding journey.  As so many seek support from us, we are so honored to have the support of Kathleen Huggins, IBCLC and author of The Nursing Mothers’ Companion.  Kathleen is jumping on board with The Leaky Boob to have a regular article answering Leaky questions every month.  The questions will be selected from the huge pool we get in every day to try and help cover the wide range of topics about which Leakies are asking.  These questions are from real moms and represent hundreds of requests for more information in the past few weeks.  Please understand that this is simply the professional opinion of one International Board Certified Lactation Consultant in an informal setting and is not intended to replace the care of a health care provider.  Kathleen is offering support and information, not diagnosing or prescribing treatment.  For your health and safety, please seek the care of a qualified physician and/or IBCLC.  Kathleen does have limited availability for phone or online consultations, see her website  for more information.
Dear Kathleen,
 
I have weaned my nursling, it has been 7 days since his last feed and lefty still isn’t getting with the program!  I have a lumpy, very sore, left breast and am unsure what to do.  Is this normal?  What can I do to relieve the pain and discomfort?
 
Thank you!
 
Lumpy Lefty

 

Hi there Lumpy,

Yes, it can take while for both breasts to involute after weaning, even if weaning was gradual.  Your left breast will soften soon, but in the meantime you can try the following suggestions.  You will want to try and avoid any breast stimulation to either breast.  This means taking backward showers or tub baths, avoiding heat to the breast and any stimulation during lovemaking.  You can use Tylenol or ibuprofen to ease any discomfort. Some mothers use cool packs on the breasts for 10-15 minutes a few times a day and some even place chilled cabbage in their bras to help with the swelling and discomfort.  While some mothers chose to express milk from the breasts, this may provide temporary relief, but that will most likely lengthen the total time it takes to dry up completely.

To speed the softening, you can drink sage or peppermint tea.  Earth Mama Angel Baby sells their “Organic No More Tea” which contains these herbs or you can buy dried sage leaves in most health food grocery stores.  Steep a couple of teaspoons of sage in boiled water storing it in your refrigerator.  Drink 2 to 3 cups a day for up to three days.  None of these herbs should not be used if you may be pregnant.  Most mothers do nothing other than wearing a supportive bra and giving it a bit more time.  Please know that it is quite normal for mothers to be able to express drops of milk for many months after weaning.

Feel better soon!
Kathleen
Dear Kathleen,I’m on the verge of tears, disappointed in myself.  My little guy is 4 months old and I returned to work last month, we are exclusively breastfeeding and I pump when I’m at work.  This month my monthly cycle returned and I’m experiencing a drop in my milk supply with it.  Is this normal?  Why is this happening?  I feel so bad, I can’t pump nearly as much as I could before and sometimes he seems very frustrated at the breast.  Will my supply come back up when my period ends?  Is there anything I can do?  I’m having to use the milk I have stored and I’m afraid that if my supply doesn’t come back up I won’t be able to keep up with my son’s needs. Even if it does come back up after my period, if it’s going to be like this every month I’m really concerned that I won’t have enough of my milk when I’m at work and that he’s going to wean early if he’s frustrated even at the breast.  Please help!Sincerely,

Could Cry

Hello Could Cry,

I am so sorry that you are worried and upset!  Let’s see what we can do.  I am hoping that you are getting in at least 7 nursing and pumping each 24 hours and that you are using the best pump possible.  If you are not using a Hygeia or another pump with strong suction such as a rental pump, I would suggest that you try and get one.  I know that many insurance carriers that are providing pumps to nursing mothers, but many are offering mothers poor quality pumps.  For an example, the Ameda pump has very low suction unless you are using it as a single pump.Try to nurse right before leaving for work every day and be sure that you care giver doesn’t feed the baby for two hours before your expected return.  In that way you can nurse just as soon as you get home.  Some mothers find that their babies are simply being overfed while they are apart. Your baby only needs about 1 1/2 ounces per hour for a good feeding at this age.  That means that if it has been 2 hours since the last feed, he will only need 3 ounces by bottle.  If your care provider is overfeeding the baby, let her know that the doctor has recommended that amount.  Using a slower flow nipple can also help slow the feeding and leave your baby a bit more satisfied.When you are home with the baby, try to nurse more often.  Keep in mind that babies at this age do not give early hunger cues.  If your baby uses a pacifier, put it away and offer the breast when you see finger sucking and it has been 2 hours or more since the last feeding. Welcome night time feeds, as nursing in the night increases your milk making hormones the most. When at home you can also pump right after any of your morning nursings and use that milk to feed the freezer.

Milk Supply Drop with OvulationYes, when a mother begins ovulating, it is common for milk production to decline somewhat until the next period starts up again.  With that being said, you can try taking 1000 mgms of calcium and 500 mgms of magnesium every day once you have ovulated and until your period returns.  You can also use herbs to stimulate your production, so long as your breasts are being drained 7 times a day.  Fenugreek can be found in any health food store and the lactation dose is 3 capsules three times a day, not what is written on the bottle.  For a stronger herbal remedy, I recommend More Milk Plus from Mother Love Herbals.  You can visit their website and find a local distributor.  More Milk Plus contains fenugreek and three other milk stimulating herbs.I do hope this has been helpful to you and that you find ways to continue nursing for as long as you and the baby like.

Best wishes,

Kathleen

Kathleen-HigginsKathleen Huggins RN IBCLC, has a Master’s Degree in Perinatal Nursing from U.C. San  Francisco, founded the Breastfeeding Warmline, opened one of the first breastfeeding clinics in  the United States, and has been helping breastfeeding mothers professionally for 33 years.  Kathleen  authored The Nursing Mother’s Companion in 1986 followed by The Nursing Mother’s Guide to Weaning.  Kathleen has also co-authored Nursing Mother, Working Mother with Gale Pryor, Twenty Five Things Every Breastfeeding Mother Should Know and The Nursing Mothers’ Breastfeeding Diary with best-friend, Jan Ellen Brown.  The Nursing Mothers’ Companion has also been translated into Spanish.  Mother of two now grown children, Kathleen retired from hospital work in 2004 and after beating breast cancer opened and currently runs Simply MaMa, her own maternity and breastfeeding boutique.  She continues to support breastfeeding mothers through her store’s “breastaurant,” online at The Leaky Boob, and in private consultations.  
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Love Beyond Moi TLB Giveaway

Presenting:

The Leaky Boob‘s

Valentine’s Day Giveaway:

“For the Love of… Love!”

 

Valentine’s Day may be our favorite commercial holiday.  Underneath the shiny red packaging, the chocolates, the flowers, and the expectations, it’s a celebration of Love.  And not just romantic love, important as that is.  On Valentine’s Day, we celebrate the love we have for our children and for our friends too, and the love our children have for each other and for us, and of course, our love of Love!

Once you become a parent you really understand love beyond yourself and beyond what you get out of it.  In the first year, breastfeeding often plays a vital role in developing that parent/child bond of love.  Moving first beyond yourself, and beyond your partner, taking them with you to new experiences together, beyond the known, and way beyond breastfeeding, where do you find information and support beyond TLB?  Jessica and I explore the challenges beyond breastfeeding on our other website: beyondmoi.com and to celebrate this Valentine’s Day we are bringing TLB and BeyondMoi together for the first time.  In honor of this event and our involvement in MommyCon (see below), we have each written an article about sex after baby, one on each website.  Jessica’s is here, and Jeremy’s (The Piano Man) is here.

This Valentine’s Day, we thought we would spread the love to The Leaky Boob community by facilitating a huge giveaway to demonstrate the love and appreciation we have for our sponsors and our followers.  The Leaky Boob community continues to be a place where breastfeeding support and encouragement can be offered for free, and where the normalization of breastfeeding feels like a real possibility through the sharing of information, experiences and the growing network we are all helping to create.  Perhaps this giveaway would be more aptly named: “For the Love of… Breastfeeding!”  But we know that breastfeeding itself is an act of love, so we’ll stick to a celebration of love.

Below is a list of some of our generous TLB sponsors, with information on what they are contributing to this giveaway, and links to other promotions they are having.  Below that, you will find instructions on how to enter the giveaway.  By the way, we’ve decided that it would be fun to lump all the prizes into one Grand Prize for a single winner!  Just wait until you see all the loot being offered.  We will also have a small, but charming, second place prize.  Before you scroll down to check it out, there is one more very important thing you need to know: due to the large number of sponsors participating in this giveaway, and each of their shipping restrictions, we have decided that this giveaway will be for people living in the U.S. only.  I apologize if this restricts you from possibly winning this giveaway.  The U.S. is simply the one single place for shipping that all of these sponsors have in common.  Please, U.S. entries only.

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

Jessica, The Piano Man, and our whole family of TLB sponsors

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oobr-snowberryClek

Giveaway entry:
Pink Oobr booster seat
(winner’s choice of Flamingo or Snowberry)

Oobr™ is Clek’s™ full back booster seat that provides superior protection for your child without sacrificing comfort, convenience or style.

Click here for more information.

Additionally, don’t miss our February 14th special on our shop.clekinc.com site: all pink seats are 10% off!  One day only!

 ♥

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Arm's ReachArm’s Reach

Giveaway item:
Mini Co-Sleeper® Bassinet Toffee

The Mini Co-Sleeper® bassinet is a unique creation that allows you and your baby to sleep comfortably next to each other from the moment your baby arrives. This bassinet enables you to reach over and draw your baby close for comforting and bonding. The innovative design also makes breastfeeding easy.

The Mini Co-Sleeper® bassinet is the ideal sleep solution for any concerned parent.

Arm’s Reach is also the generous sponsor making it possible for Jeremy, aka: The Piano Man, to speak with Jessica at 4 different MommyCon events in 2014, presenting their “Sex After Baby” talk.  Jeremy will be speaking in Chicago, Denver, ??? , and ???  Look below for more MommyCon information.

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Motherlove adjusted Motherlove

Giveaway item:
Nurturing Life Giftbox.

Motherlove’s complete selection celebrating new motherhood! From pregnancy and labor, to breastfeeding and babies, these products nurture mother and baby with certified organic herbs and pure ingredients. These products do not contain any synthetic ingredients, fragrances or parabens commonly found in body care products. The perfect gift for the mother who is looking for only the highest quality, pure, natural products for herself and child. pregnant belly salve 4 oz., nipple cream 1 oz., birth & baby oil 2 oz., sitz bath spray 2 oz., diaper rash & thrush 1 oz., environmentally responsible Motherlove tote bag

Motherlove is also the generous sponsor making it possible for Jessica to speak at all MommyCon events in 2014!   See below for more information!

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MommyConMommyCon

Giveaway item:
Two general admission tickets to any MommyCon location in 2014

MommyCon is a natural parenting convention that travels around the United States bringing organic parenting practices to the masses. The event features seminars and workshops on topics such as; birth, breastfeeding, babywearing, car seat safety, essential oils and so much more. Guest speakers include; The Baby Guy NYC, Honest Toddler, The Badass Breastfeeder and The Leaky Boob.

Use promotional code “leakyboob” for 10% off at mommy-con.com

“We love leakies! Come leak at MommyCon!”

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SOLEIL ELLIE BECO BABY CARRIER adjustedBeco

Giveaway item:
Beco Soleil Baby Carrier (Ellie print)

With the Beco Soleil Baby Carrier, crossing your straps makes wearing your baby comfortable and easy!  Beco’s award-winning design is celebrated by parents around the world.  Combining proper ergonomics with versatile features provides you the best babywearing experience.

Wear Beco from birth through toddler years.

Wear Beco on your front, back or hip.

Wear Beco with love.

Click here for more information on the Beco Soleil.

“This one’s for the Leakies! Soleil makes breastfeeding possible anywhere you go! ♥ ”
- the Beco team

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Fairhaven HealthFairhaven Health

Giveaway items:
A jar of Dream Belly Stretch Mark Butter, a Milk-Saver and a Milkies Freeze, and one bag of Nursing Time Tea

DreamBelly Stretch Mark Butter: A luxurious butter with a gentle, refreshing scent – just what you need to tone and regenerate the skin on your belly after childbirth.

Milkies Milk-Saver: Save every drop of your precious breast milk with this one-of-a-kind product that collects leaking breast milk from your non-nursing side while you breast feed.

milkies-milk-saver-6

• Milkies Freeze: The answer to your breast milk storage hassles: A “first-in, first-out” breast milk storage container that protects your bags of frozen milk from damage and leaks, and fits nicely in  your freezer.

• Nursing Time Tea: A nutritive and refreshing tea with a light lemony flavor that contains several herbs helpful for promoting breast milk production.

Use promotional code ”LEAKYHEART” for a 10% discount on all of our nursing products through February.

Milkies-Freeze-Banner

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ErgoBabyErgoErgoBaby

Giveaway item:
ErgoBaby Wrap

The Ergobaby Wrap is the perfect companion in those first months & beyond. Made from soft stretchy cotton (our premium 4D Stretch™ material), our Ergobaby Wrap makes different carrying positions easy, comfortable & secure for you & your baby.

 

 

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RuminaRumina

Giveaway items:
Rumina’s Sweet Valentine set

Each set will include one Red Relaxed Hands-Free Pump & Nurse Bra plus an order of Sea Salted Caramels & Half Dozen Swizzled Strawberries by Shari’s Berries.

Rumina2

Plus, like Rumina’s Facebook Page to enter March’s Lucky Momma Giveaway! March Rumina will be giving away a $100.00 Amex card, a $50.00 Amazon card and one lucky winner will receive a Motorola MBP25-2 Digital 2.4-inch Video Monitor (retail value $199.99).

AND, shop www.ruminaformoms.com to receive 25% Off Plus Free Shipping on Rumina’s Red Relaxed Hands-Free Pump & Nurse Bra. *USPS Priority shipping only

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BamboobiesBamboobies

Giveaway item:
Bamboobies Prize Pack

The Prize Pack ($115.00 value) includes:

Multi-pack Bamboobies Nursing Pads (3 pair regular + 1 pair overnight)

Boob♥ease 100% Organic Natural Nipple Balm

Bamboobies Brahhh: Maternity, Sleep and Nursing Bra with Flower Accent (color berry)

Bamboobies Chic Nursing Shawl with Flower Accent (color black)

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Wean Cubes Garden Pack adjustedWean Green

Giveaway item:
A Garden Pack of Wean Cubes (4 oz pack of 4 – multicolor)

Wean Green is dedicated to providing parents with safe and environmental baby products that fit into every parent’s diaper bag!  Our Glass Cubes are the safest way to store your breast milk,  homemade baby food, and of course, those snacks that your little one can’t live without when you’re out and about!

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SnugabellSnugabell

Giveaway item:
PumpEase hands-free pumping bra, color rhubarb

PumpEase features patented, ‘no-stitch’ horn openings, guaranteed to accommodate any breast pump on the market.  Click here for more information.

Additionally, use promotional code “TLBOOB25″ for 25 percent off at Snugabell.com, Amazon.com, and Amazon.ca.
(minimum $38 order)

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Kangaroo CareKangaroo Care

Giveaway items:
An Aqua Rainbow Nursing Necklace and a Matching Teething Bracelet

 Kangaroo Care is also offering a 20% discount  from the 14th of February through the 15th of February!  No coupon codes need to be entered – the prices will already be discounted!

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThe Dairy Fairy

Giveaway item:
The Sadie All in One Tank
(valued at $75, in either Black or White)

The only nursing tank that multitasks as much as you do; nurse, handsfree pump and adjust to fit your fluctuating size. In or out, our new design is beautiful and discreet.  Click here for more information.

Additionally, use code “sadielaunch” at thedairyfairy.com for a $10 discount.

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LilleBabyLíllébaby

Giveaway item:
Líllébaby COMPLETE Organic Designer Baby Carrier 
(Green Meadow w/ Finch – Retail value $149.00)

Líllébaby is excited to offer one of their brand new designer prints for this giveaway: the Green Meadow with Finch!

Why COMPLETE?
“Compare the líllébaby® COMPLETE™ with any baby carrier and you will see why it deserves its name – it includes every carrying position and ensures your baby is correctly and  ergonomically positioned in every setting.”

Click here for more information.

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Muslin isla-nc-package-1000pxBébé Au Lait

Giveaway item:
Bébé au Lait Muslin Nursing Cover

“New for 2014! Bebe au Lait’s Muslin Collection pairs the softness and breathability of premium Muslin with the stylish patterns that have made their products must-haves for modern families.”

Click here for more information.

♥ 

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MomzelleMomzelle

Giveaway item:
Maria criss-cross nursing dress

New from their winter collection, this graceful nursing dress will make you feel beautiful and comfortable at the same time. The criss-cross nursing opening is very practical and can be used both sides simultaneously. Made with cotton modale (95% cotton modale, 5% spandex), this fabric has a fresh and soft feeling on the skin, plus gives a nice drape to the dress.

Made with love and care.

“This eye-catching dress can easily be your new breastfeeding essential. For everyday and any occasion, you deserve to feel beautiful and confident while breastfeeding!
Thank you and happy nursing” :)

- The Momzelle team

Additionally, use code “LKYF14” at momzelle.com for a $5 discount.

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My Baby's Heartbeat Bear adjustedMy Baby’s Heartbeat Bear

Giveaway item:
Angel Bear

The My Baby’s Heartbeat Bear Angel Kit includes an adorable stuffed Angel Bear and special heart shaped recorder.  The Angel Bear is a very soft fleece-like material, with a velcro closure opening on the back where you can place the recorded heartbeat. My Baby’s Heartbeat Bear kits make the perfect baby shower gift or pregnancy keepsake!  Click here for more information.

Additionally, use code “FEB20” at mybabysheartbeatbear.com for a 20% discount.

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ShowerHugShowerHug

Giveaway item:
a ShowerHug

The Shower Hug is a therapeutic breast wrap designed to make showers a time of serenity and renewal for pregnant and breastfeeding moms who experience breast tenderness.

A “Certified Miracle,” The Shower Hug is Mommy’s patented Essential for Breast Pain Relief during pregnancy, postpartum and breastfeeding.  This multifunctional and affordable alternative to traditional nursing bras eliminates the most frustrating and painful obstacles to breastfeeding success. The Shower Hug can be worn in or out of the shower.

Click here for more information.

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KKBrwn-LR-CLKoalaKin

Giveaway item:
A KoalaKin, Hands-Free Nursing Pouch

The KoalaKin® nursing pouch helps you bond with your nursing baby by freeing your hands for extra snuggles, diaper checks, and even reading.  Click here for more information.

“Love is in the air… Free your hands for more loving touches with the KoalaKin, Hands Free Nursing Pouch.”  

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MobyWrapMobyWrap

Giveaway item:
Organic Moby Wrap in our new Garnet color

Wrap baby in our 100% OE certified organic cotton carrier.  Softness and Support.  Click here for more information.

Additionally, use code “TLBbaby” amobywrap.com for a 10% discount.

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Naked Nursing TankNaked Tank Logo 1Naked Nursing Tank

Giveaway item:
White Luxury Bamboo Naked Nursing Tank

Click here for more information.

Additionally, use code “LEAKYSHIP” awww.thenakedtank.com for free shipping.

Happy Valentine’s Day Leakies!!  Hope you love your new tank as much as you love your special Valentine!!” – Carrie and Jen

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Freja Toys necklaceFreja Toys

Giveaway items:
a nursing necklace (any color for winner’s choice)
and a baby rattles fruit set.
Total value: $54.00

 We have been creating our toys and moms jewelry in the Ukraine (East Europe) since 2007.  All of our products are unique and full of warmth and love.  They are made from natural materials and are absolutely safe for your kids!

Freja Toys fruits-set-01

Our main goal is to give joy to kids and their moms and to make the world around happier and kinder!

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sloomb diapersloomb basewooliesSloomb

Giveaway items:
a Camper VHLC and a Sparrow Basewoolies

“The Velour HLCs are soft, trim, and super absorbent cloth diapers – extra soft fluff for your little hipsters! Just pair the VHLC with Sparrow Basewoolies to keep your kids warm on the inside and out!”

Click here for more information about VHLCs and here for more information about Basewoolies.

PS: HLC stands for “Happy Little Clouds”

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MrsPatels adjustedMrs Patel’s

Giveaway item:
Gluten-free Vegan Chocolate Fenugreek Bars

Our mission is to help nursing mothers. We believe our products can help women heal faster after giving birth as well as increase their milk supply.

Additionally, use code “FIRSTORDER” amrsmilk.com for 20% off your first order.

“Treat yourself and your baby this Valentine’s with a box of our delicious gluten-free and vegan milk-making Fenugreek Bars!” – Anhoni

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NuRooNüRoo

Giveaway item:
one NüRoo Nursing Scarf

The NüRoo Nursing Scarf provides endless options for coverage and style. Learn more at nuroobaby.com.

NüRoo® fabric is super soft, breathable, wrinkle free, and not distracting for baby. As an added bonus, you’ll love this fashionable scarf long after your breastfeeding days!

Customize your coverage: wrapped or draped, front and back, over the shoulder or around your neck.

Learn more here.

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GoosieGoosie Organics

Giveaway item:
an Organic Nursing and Babywearing Jewelry piece of your choice

Check out the Goosie Organics Etsy shop here!

We create beautiful organic nursing and babywearing necklaces and bracelets. All of our products are handmade with natural materials including our unique 100% organic yarn. Each wooden bead and necklace chain are hand crocheted with this beautiful organic yarn. The wood buttons, coconut rings & buckles and wood beads are handcrafted locally and polished with organic beeswax and olive oil.

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Giveaway item:

An Assortment of Breastfeeding Products

 

The Assortment includes:

- MilkMakers Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Lactation Cookies (10pk)
- Balm Baby Nipple Soother/Nursing Aid (1.25 fl oz)
- Milk Trays Breast Milk Freezing System
- Dry Mama Reusable Nursing Pads (1 pair)
- Our Lady of Leche – Birds & Bees Teas Lactatin Tea – 2.5 oz tin with loose leaf tea

Basic Baby is both a physical store in Upstate New York, as well as an online retailer, offering helpful products for parents in all beginning stages of parenting, such as maternity, cloth diapering, babywearing, nursing, potty training, and more.  Get to know them at basicbabyshop.com

Additionally, use code “leakylove” for 10% off regular priced items store wide with free shipping on orders over $15 – not to be combined with any other offer – 1 use per customer – offer ends 2/28/14

“Thank you for all the love!” – the Basic Baby shop team

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JetPackRainbow Souffle

Giveaway item:
a JetPack toy and a printable JetPack Valentine’s Day card

The JetPack toy is a unique soft fabric toy that engages children’s natural tendency to make anything into an adventure.  Show someone you love them to the moon and back with a toy JetPack!
The printable paper JetPack card also doubles as a toy! It’s whimsical and fun for kids of all ages.  It’s easy to assemble and you have the option to print a Valentine’s message on the reverse side.

Click here for more information.

Additionally, use Coupon Code “ROCKETBLAST” in our shop for 20% off their order through February 20th.

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View More: http://christinacampbell.pass.us/vintaghoneyThe Vintage Honey Shop

Giveaway item:
A nursing necklace with teething ring ($25 value)

The Vintage Honey Shop is a place to buy handcrafted paper & fabric items.  Jennifer & Melissa make every handcrafted item with love and care!

The Vintage Honey Shop: Where paper & fabric stick!

Additionally, use code “LEAKIESWIN” athevintagehoneyshop.etsy.com for a 10% discount.

“All of our products are handmade to help mama feel beautiful while helping baby be happy!  Happy Valentines Day, Leakies….we {heart} y’all!!”
- Jen & Mel

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A Mother's BoutiqueA Mother’s Boutique

Giveaway item:
a nursing top of her choice from our Annee Matthew collection  (value up to $75)

Annee Matthew maternity and nursing clothes are unique, exquisitely designed pieces of modern maternity and nursing clothing that will make any new mother or mother-to-be feel beautiful.  Click here for more information.

Additionally, there is a special coupon for Leakies to treat themselves to something else in our store, at mothersboutique.com.  Just use coupon code “TLB” and you will save $5 off any purchase of $20 or more.

“We support breastfeeding moms and nursing in public is so much easier in one our cute, stylish nursing tops!”

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UM.AdQuartPgShortUndercover Mama

Giveaway item:
a $30 giftcard to Undercover Mama

Mom Invented, Mom Owned, Mom Operated.

Additionally, enjoy Free Shipping on orders of 2 shirts or more at undercovermama.com/shop (no coupon required)

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nursing-bra-express-giveaway adjustedNursing Bra Express

Giveaway item:
Molded Cotton Nursing Bra
(winner’s choice of nude, white, or black)

Our best selling nursing bra is comfortable, supportive, soft and has a pretty trim.  Wear this nursing bra every day – it is perfect for all occasions and will keep you comfortable and cool with breathable cotton and quick-release one-hand nursing clasps on each cup.  Larger cup sizes have foam support in cup and wider straps.  Sizes available: 32-36A, 32-40B, 32-44C/D, 32-44DD/E, 34-42DDD/F.

Additionally, use promotional code “LOVE” to save 10% on your entire order at nursingbraexpress.com, and free shipping on orders of $99 or more!

“Happy Valentine’s Day to all the Leakies!  We hope you think of us for all of your nursing bra needs.  We have a great selection of bras at affordable prices!”

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Petite BisouPetite Bisou

Giveaway item:
a set of our Bebe Nacre Breast Shells (a$49.95 AUD value)

Hand-polished in Paris, these natural shells soothe sore and cracked nipples and provide nourishment and protection while nursing.  Find out more about this age old Scandinavian tradition for breast care here.

Enjoy Motherhood and your new baby in a beautiful way! 

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One Creative MamaOne Creative Mama

Giveaway item:
a mommy-baby matching shirt set

Mommy Is My Dairy Queen shirt for babies: http://onecreativemama.com/dairyqueen.html – Value $13.99

Dairy Queen shirt for moms (moms can nurse through the sleeve!): http://onecreativemama.com/dqmom1.html – Value $33.98-36.98

Winner can choose size and color for both items

Total Value: $47.97-$50.97

Additionally, use code “TLB” at onecreativemama.com for a 15% discount on any purchase.

“Hey leakies, One Creative Mama supports breastfeeding and we want to share our cute designs with all of you!”

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DSC_9766_09.psdMelinda G™

Giveaway item:
A Smoothly Divine™ nursing bra in nude 

Win the new Melinda G™ very pretty, very comfortable nursing bra with removable pads – wear with the pads for discretion and added OOOOMPH! or without the pads for natural contours – either way, you’ll look great!  Click here for sizing information.

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CezaraT Belly Support Panty #4000 after delivery with pink backgroundCezara™ 

Giveaway item:
A Cezara™ belly support panty   

Cezara™ provides comfy belly lift and back support during pregnancy, after delivery and especially after Cesarean delivery, when the internal pad compresses and protects the scar, for more relaxed nursing without the concerns of baby resting on the scar.

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And finally, a special, sexy guest sponsor for this Valentine’s Day giveaway:

Blossom Organics

Giveaway item:
A Pleasurable Gift Basket

“Let Your pure Pleasure Blossom Naturally with Blossom Organics”

The basket includes:

Natural Moisturizing Lubricant (4 oz and 1 oz)
Warm Sensation Lubricant (4 oz and 1 oz)
Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel (0.5 oz and 5 ml)
Warm Sensation Massage Oil (3 oz)
Revitalizing Breast Exam Cream (1.7 oz.)

Our goal is to create safe, all-natural intimate care products that help you achieve healthy well-being, beautiful intimacy and blissful pleasure.  Click here for more information.

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WOW!  That’s a whole lot of TLB sponsor love!

Below is the widget for the giveaway.  Remember, this is for U.S. entries only.  

Here’s to hoping you get lucky!

And don’t forget to use the discount codes from our sponsors listed above!

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9 Tips to Having More and Better Sex After Baby

by Jeremy Martin-Weber
This post is a partner post to one Jessica wrote, 16 points about sex after baby, on beyondmoi.com as part of a giveaway celebrating Valentine’s Day and expressing love beyond one day.  Find the giveaway information and widget to enter at the end of this post.

Running the risk of sounding like Cosmo, or Marie Claire, in honor of Valentine’s Day and all the men out there making strategic plans, hoping that their romantic equations will guarantee that they’ll get lucky, I’d like to offer a list of my own.  I don’t claim to be an expert, but my list is the product of 17 years of trial and error with my wife, and I can personally attest that as long as I stick to it, she simply can’t get enough of me.  Seventeen years and six children, and sex just keeps getting better, and we both want it more than we ever did before.

#LoveBeyondMoi The Leaky Boob Beyond Moi Valentine's Day giveaway

You too can have a better sex life; it’s not over just because you’re parents.  If you’re looking for ways to make her (or him) want to drag you to the bedroom, rip your clothes off, and have hot, steamy, sex with you all night long (that’s how those magazine covers read, right?), then this list is for you.

1. Help around the house… but not for sex

Everyone loves a partner who is involved, who takes time to help out with household duties.  Way back when we were first married, I first heard the notion that if I took the trash out, my wife would find that act so sexy she wouldn’t be able to help herself and would have to have me right then and there.  I thought that sounded rather strange and hadn’t noticed that effect on her before, but I really started paying attention the next few times I took the trash out, and here is what I noticed: she appreciated my help, but didn’t think it was anything extraordinary.  And that made sense.  But I also noticed that when we were both paying attention to the ways the other was helping out, we both appreciated the other person for doing so, and we felt closer for noticing, and feeling closer can easily lead to sexual feelings.  See how it works?  But it won’t work if you help around the house just to have sex.  There is no magic there.  My advice: do the dishes, help out with your kids, fold and put away the laundry, by all means take the trash out, and for extra credit, thank your partner for those same things and all the other tasks they do.  They may argue that they don’t do it for you, and don’t need to be thanked, but they’ll still appreciate you noticing.  Noticing is sexy.

That first tip isn’t just for parents, I admit, but it may be more relevant to parents because prolonged lack of sleep so effectively scrambles your brains that even very simple relational things can get sucked into that black hole (or driving your children to all of their extracurricular activities – that can scramble your brain too over time).  It’s very much the same for this second tip.

2. Get physical… but not for sex

Touch your partner.  Often.  Every day.  We can get so determined to get it on that we forget the thrill of simple touches.  You know how physical relationships are compared to a baseball diamond, each base representing more intimate acts of physical expression, ultimately culminating in sexual intercourse when you get to home base?  We can be so goal-oriented, or sexually frustrated, that all we focus on is getting to that home plate.  When Jessica and I were first dating, even the simplest of touches was thrilling because it carried so much meaning.  Caressing each other’s hands communicated love and care, romantic intention, and sexual desire all rolled into one.  A kiss was a gesture of commitment, a desire to be close, to be real and vulnerable.  Sure, at other times, a kiss was an expression of sexual desire, full of passion and wild abandon. But that’s exactly the point.  Physical expressions weren’t all just a means to a steamy, naked end.  Because of their variety, their commonality was clear: a communication of love.  And when I feel loved by my wife, I feel safe, trusting and sexy.  And I know she feels the same way.  And do you know what that leads to?  Great sex.  My advice: kiss your partner at least every morning and evening, wrap your arms around her, hold hands, maybe even take a few dance steps together, and savor each of those physical moments for their simplicity.  Because touching to communicate love is sexy.

3. Distance makes for sexier reconnection

Now that we’re all ready to touch our partners more, I offer a word of caution: it has to be the right moment.  Unfortunately, most of us have to find out through trial and error; that’s for both partners.  Jessica and I have both had to learn about ourselves how and when we like to be touched, let alone what our spouse likes.  If you try to touch your partner and you are rebuffed, don’t jump to the conclusion that they just don’t like your touch or don’t want sex (touching just for that end is already a big libido killer anyway).  Pluck up your courage, control your urge to scream and cry (if you actually have feelings, of course), and ask your partner about it.  The way our schedule works, one of us is often home with children most of the day while the other goes out and works at a coffeeshop.  It doesn’t matter which one of us it is, some days at home leave us wanting to find a dark, quiet, corner where we can hug our own knees and twitch for awhile as our brain tries to reboot, and our body relaxes from being touched all day long.  It’s not that we don’t love being home with our children, it’s that it’s not the easiest job in the world.  If you walk in the door and see a frazzled, bleary-eyed partner with a blank expression on their face, that is probably not the time for dipping your partner and a fervent I-missed-you-so-much-wasn’t-today-great kind of kiss.  If ever you’re unsure, I have the simplest solution: ask.  And follow it up with an offer to give them some space.  Ask how you can help before jumping in.  And then, by all means, jump in!  Find ways to give your partner a break on a regular basis.  Sometimes 20 minutes is all it takes to center ourselves.  Sometimes it may take a whole morning, or an entire day, but trust me on this: sex is way better with a centered partner.  Because getting time away is sexy.

4. flirt more… but not for sex

I think that every healthy, sexually mature human being likes to feel sexy.  One way to feel sexy is to get a good idea of what real sexy people look like by gazing at magazines, watching music videos, or checking out the latest blockbuster film, then looking in the mirror and saying to yourself: “Damn I look good!”  If I just described you, then this whole post probably isn’t for you at all.  For most of the rest of us, feeling sexy is deeply tied to feeling desired.  When Jessica gives me a sultry “Hey sexy” I feel a boost in confidence, my day gets brighter, and I feel sexy.  Granted, I have to fight off the destructive voice in my head giving me a 5 reasons why you’re not on the sexy list, and just trust that my wife is calling it likes she sees it.  This takes practice, but when I do it regularly, that vile voice in my head gives up and must go into hibernation or something.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell anyone that when you feel sexy, you’re more inclined to have sexy thoughts, and… you know.  So my advice to you is to give your partner a reason to silence that voice in their head.  All the time.  Okay, don’t be obnoxious about it, or you’ll come across as pushy.  Flirt, wink, do the Magnum P.I. eyebrow thing (if you don’t know what that is, well, then, never mind), make subtle suggestive comments; whatever communicates to your partner that they are desired, and desirable.  But don’t have your heart set on sex.  Because flirting is sexy and is an end in and of itself.

5. Spend quality time together… but not for sex. 

Developing togetherness has been foundational to our relationship and affects every part of it, including our sex life.  I realize that this concept may definitively put me in the hapless romantic category, but I don’t care, I am an unabashed hapless romantic who has great sex with his wife of 17 years so there.  We have this notion that relationships are living things, and they are constantly evolving, just as each person in the relationship is growing and changing daily.  This means that being static (not changing) is not possible.  You are either growing closer together and developing stronger bonds, or you are slowly drifting apart – unless you are a stone statue of a couple, and even then erosion does take its plodding toll.  So we intentionally find ways that bring us closer together.  There is no reason why you can’t still be as into each other as when you first got together.  Actually, we believe that you should cultivate your relationship keeping being into each other as a worthwhile goal.  Find common interests, and/or try new experiences together.  Play games together.  Make music together.  No, those aren’t references to sexual activities.  Cook together.  Hike or bike together.  Visit museums.  Go out for coffee or a fancy dinner.  Any activity that you will enjoy together, preferably with lots of eye contact, and with no electronic devices or screens (after you’re done reading this you should try it).  Because when you spend time being into each other, you end up wanting to explore all the ways you could be into each other.  (that was a sexual reference, by the way…).

6. Talk more… and I don’t mean about sex (and I don’t mean talk dirty more)

Spending time together, being more and more into each other, involves a lot of communication, and most of that will be through actual conversations.  With words and sentences and all that.  If you’re really getting into each other, developing that sense of togetherness that I mentioned in the previous point, then you’re going to want to communicate that you care about your partner’s life, about their day, every day, and that you’re interested in the details, the little experiences that you missed out on.  This may seem obvious, but you’re going to want to communicate that you missed your partner.  Because being missed is sexy.  And giving a damn is really sexy.

7. Help get the kids to bed, and again after midnight. 

So finally a practical tip!  I suggest that you don’t gloss over the relational mushy-gushy stuff that I took nearly 2,000 words to write about.  That’s the stuff that really leads to more, and great, sex.  The practical logistics of making sex happen won’t cut it by themselves.  Getting obnoxious distractions (i.e. children- only obnoxious when you’re hoping to make some whoopie) out of the way is essential to hooking up with your partner.  Bed time can be exhausting and time-consuming, and, depending on the age of your children, can burn a parent out and render them huddled in a dark, quiet, corner, hugging their knees, etc.  Or fast asleep before the kids.  It’s much better with two parents.  That way you communicate that you give a damn, that you want to do this together, that you’re willing to help, not to mention demonstrating to your children that you are there for them and their other parent.  Ways to make it more fun: text each other once the bedtime routine is finished but your haven’t extricated yourself from your children’s arms and legs.  A fun texting game we’ve played is where one of us sends the other a random emoticon, and the other has to guess what it’s supposed to mean.  Oops, now everyone knows: we’re dorks.  Dorks that flirt and have great sex.   This may or may not lead to sexting, by the way, which is always fun but possibly awkward and ill-advised if you’re still helping kids settle.  Getting kids to bed once may not be enough.  You may have to commit to moving a sleeping baby, 1 or 2 or even 3 yr old back to their bed after they have sweetly sought out your comforting cuddles around midnight and fallen asleep in the bed where, damn it, you were hoping to have sex (or just cuddle with your partner, or sleep on separate sides of the bed, depending on how grueling the bedtime routine was and how long you each need to huddle by yourselves in the dark, etc.).  Because a kidless bed with just you and your partner is sexy.  (This isn’t to say cosleeping damages sex lives, it doesn’t and we do cosleep, we just also have a “bed” for the cosleepers that they visit for us to have alone time in our bed.  And, if you don’t have teenagers around, there are plenty of other, though less comfortable, places in a house to utilize.)

8. Change the sheets!

Those of you who have known us for a little while know what this means, so feel free to skip this tip.  For those of you who don’t, I’ll let you in on our little secret: clean sheets are sexy.  Clean sheets are so sexy that my wife has this irresistible urge to sleep naked in them.  If it weren’t for the sheer logistics of children seeking cuddles, 8 of us in a house with one washing machine, and having to work and feed our family, I would probably wash our sheets every day.  Quick disclaimer: I have learned that just because my wife is naked in bed does not guarantee that we will have sex, or that she is logically interested in having sex.  You would do well to heed these words.  That being said, clean sheets may increase your odds; they certainly increase mine!  Also, mind-blowing as this may sound: sleeping naked together is sexy, and an end in and of itself.

And finally, if you’re still with me, the #1 thing you can do to have more sex as parents:

9. Stop asking for it.  

There is nothing quite like a whiner to kill a mood, or destroy any chance of there even being a mood to get into in the first place.  Asking for sex, or demanding it, damages your relationship with your partner.  Asking for it communicates only one thing: you think you have to have sex, that you deserve it, or that it is some kind of need.  It is not a form of flirting, it is not flattering, it is not sexy, it doesn’t communicate that your partner is desirable, it does not bring you closer together, it does not communicate that you care, or give a damn about anyone but yourself, and most of all, it communicates a lack of love and respect.  It is gross.  Even if the sheets are clean.  And if you helped around the house, and you flirted, and did your part in getting kids to bed, and spent time listening to every little detail of your partner’s day, and watched whatever stupid movie they wanted to, and this somehow means that you deserve sex, that they owe you sex, then you know nothing about what a healthy relationship looks like, and I would further venture to say that this is exactly the kind of thinking that leads to an abusive relationship.  Talk about it but in a carefully, respectful, and concerned conversation.  “I miss having sex with you” means a lot more than “We never have sex any more.”  And if you mention your sexual needs, like it’s some kind of basic human need, you should be slapped.  A basic human need is one where the human is at risk of dying if that need isn’t met.  Like eating, or drinking water.  Are you at risk of dying if you can’t have sex?  No.  And if you’re that horny and you feel like you just can’t keep it together without a release, then I’m sure your partner would appreciate you using your capable hands, rather than pressuring them or guilting them into letting you use their body for your own pleasurable end.  Because guilting your partner into sex is NOT sexy.  And pressuring your partner into sex will not lead to more and better sex, before or after baby.  Also, consider getting therapy.  Therapy can be sexy too.

There is one thing that effectively sums up my 8 tips to having more sex after baby (because that last one wasn’t really a tip, was it?): focus on your relationship with your partner.  All the rest will take care of itself.  And no, that’s not a sexual reference.

~ The Piano Man (aka: Jeremy from BeyondMoi)

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Happy Valentine’s Day!  

If you are looking for the widget to enter our huge Valentine’s Day giveaway, then look no further.  The widget is right below this text.  A couple of reminders before you go crazy with the widget:

1. Due to the varied shipping restrictions of our many, generous, sponsors, this giveaway is for US participants only.  We apologize for having to leave out our international followers.  We just can’t figure out how to better manage a giveaway of this magnitude.

2. Don’t forget that these same sponsors are also offering discounts and promotional codes just for TLB followers.  Don’t miss out!  Check them out at the giveaway post.

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The surprising barrier women encounter to getting breastfeeding help- breastfeeding advocates

by Jessica Martin-Weber
Support that makes a difference involves respect and thrives in relationship.  Meeting Leakies at MommyCon last year was all about mutual respect and relationships.

Support that makes a difference involves respect and thrives in relationship. Meeting Leakies at MommyCon last year was all about mutual respect and relationships.

Sometimes I hear stories of women who struggled with breastfeeding and never got help.  They didn’t know who to call or where to go or were too embarrassed to ask for help.  Or they didn’t have the money or insurance coverage for an IBCLC or there wasn’t even one in their area.  They may have tried a breastfeeding support group but felt intimidated and didn’t speak up.  Whatever the case may be, it isn’t as uncommon as you might think that we receive messages at TLB from women stating they have nobody to turn to or nobody they feel comfortable asking.  Only with the anonymous intimacy of the internet are these women comfortable even talking about their breastfeeding journey.  How, I wonder, could we have gotten to this place where asking for help for a normal body function that isn’t functioning normally is so hard?  We’re not even talking about waste or something sexual, we’re talking about feeding children.  How can we be so disconnected?

A cursory glance at infant feeding history will reveal that the introduction of formula marketing probably contributed to this break down as well as the cultural expectations developed in the early 1900s that only specific health professionals hold all the answers for our bodies.  As science became more elevated, anything that could be measured and formulated was seen as good.  Anything else, particularly of our bodies, was suspect as inadequate and less.

But still, why, with all the information about breastmilk now, why would women struggle to even ask for help?  Is it really just the effects of marketing and a left over fear from an era that held the doctor as god?

Digging deeper it’s not difficult to see that the over emphasis on the sexual nature of the female breast has contributed to the barriers some women face when they think of their breasts feeding their children.  Regular objectification can make it hard for women to connect with their own bodies on a good day let alone if things are proving to be difficult.  As society sends mixed signals celebrating female breasts to a point of idolatry yet reacting with disgust far too often when a woman uses her breasts to feed her baby, that disconnect isn’t far from turning into their own repulsion.

Again though, surely information and education can overcome these messages and women can see through the societal objectification of women to reach out for help in feeding their babies, right?  Sure, it’s a mountain of baggage to overcome but if we just get the information out there these women will climb that mountain to succeed in making informed choices of which we approve with our support.  Why is this so hard?

Maybe it’s because generations of women now haven’t been exposed to breastfeeding or if they have it has been either nominal or little more than entertainment.  Breasts are thrust in everyone’s face in TV ads, online images, magazine and newspaper pages, and blown up in store windows but many women have never seen breastfeeding aside from when it is used for comedic relief or perfectly staged and lit for a parenting magazine.

Those trends are turning though, more and more breastfeeding is visible in social media outlets and with increasing frequency in real life.  Celebrities and other influencers have taken to not only breastfeeding their own children but doing so openly and in the media’s eye.  We’re a long way from breastfeeding really being normal again in society but there is increasingly a precedent of support for breastfeeding moms.

So why are there still so many women asking for anonymous help with their breastfeeding issues?  Why is it that there are countless women who don’t feel able to ask for help when they encounter breastfeeding challenges?  How are we not closing these gaps with information and public breastfeeding support such that there are still women who feel that seeking out breastfeeding help is too much vulnerability for them to risk?  Where is the connection of women that should provide a safe space for infant feeding support?

I believe that one of the reasons our culture struggles so much with vulnerability and honesty is that when people dare to take the risk they are met with responses such as ‘you should be more like me, I don’t have those issues;’ ‘here let me tell you what you should do to fix your very broken self.’  When images and memes circulate demeaning women who don’t breastfeed or didn’t breastfeed long as not having tried hard enough, being lazy, giving their child poison, being unfit mothers, and deserving of guilt for falling short of the “best is breast” mandate or “biological norm” jargon, the connections we should have are torn down, not fortified.

A few months ago at a speaking engagement at an event with a “natural” parenting bent, a woman came up to talk to me.  Her voice and posture were defensive from the beginning and she led with “I’ve heard of you but I’ve never been to your site or online community because I knew what I would hear there.  I heard you today and I was surprised, I expected you to try to make me feel bad because I use formula.  What would you say to me if I told you I used formula?  Because I know that makes me the odd one out here and everyone thinks I’m lazy and give my baby poison.”  I told her that I would say I was glad she was feeding her baby and I was certain she was doing what was right for her family according to her specific set of circumstances.  I told her that I respected her and I understood what it was like being the odd one out in a setting.  By the end of our conversation we hugged and took a selfie together.  She had opened up about the breastfeeding challenges she was having and I shared some ideas and resources that could help her with those challenges should she so choose.  It didn’t matter if she was going to increase her breastfeeding and cut back on the formula, what mattered was that she was heard, she wasn’t alone, and she felt respected and supported.  My place was not to judge, pressure, or shame, my place was to respectfully care.

In a time when access to global community is better than ever, when information and support are freely available, when there are a multitude of voices offering support, women are still encountering pressuring messages of shame about their bodies and their choices.  Isolating messages.  Instead of finding help, many are afraid of facing belittlement.  They encounter mocking and dismissive responses to questions or vents about low supply: ‘didn’t you know, only 2% of women can’t physically make enough milk, you couldn’t possibly be in that 2% so you’re just not trying hard enough AKA you’re lazy.  If doing the best for your child is important enough to you, you’ll push through any difficulties’.  They encounter similar messages about pain: ‘it shouldn’t hurt, if it hurts you’re doing something wrong’.  They encounter callous responses to their challenges with societal pressures: ‘just stand up for your rights and stick it to the man or better yet, quit your job and stay home and don’t let someone else raise your child’.  And, they encounter unhelpful responses to their challenges with breastfeeding in public: ‘if other people don’t like it they can throw a blanket over their heads, don’t be ashamed to feed your baby’.   And these are just the messages that are intended to be helpful.

It can be down right dangerous to suggest that you are considering or *gasp* even have actually supplemented with formula.  If you do your very mothering ability could be called into question with accusations of feeding your child poison and comparisons of formula to human waste: ‘formula has CORN SYRUP, how could you want to give your baby poison?  Stick to breastmilk, at least it is never recalled and sure formula is better than starvation but so is eating your own shit’.   Seeking help with these messages of shame swirling around, knowing the people you would ask have at least seen these messages and may even agree with them and could very well have made or propagated them, can require heaps of bravery at a time when a woman is feeling very vulnerable and possibly already struggling with feelings of inadequacy.  Must a woman be brave to ask for help?

What if the very people claiming to advocate for breastfeeding and support families in their infant feeding experiences are the ones driving women away from seeking help when they are struggling?  Can it be that the messages coming at women meant to inspire, motivate, and inform actually undermine them?  Do we have a responsibility to maybe sit down, shut up and just be available?  Instead of telling women what they should do and are doing wrong without really listening to them, what would happen if we provided a safe space to just be, offering support without arrogantly assuming we know exactly what choices each woman should make in her individual circumstances with her available financial, emotional, and relational resources?

Imagine how connected we could be if we would just listen and empathize as our first response rather than isolate, shame, and suggest DIY fixes.  Meeting women where they are instead of where we think they should be.  Imagine the change this could bring if just a few of us decided that we will stand against bullying, unintentional and intentional, as part of breastfeeding support and simply be the safe community that respects each woman without condition of conforming to our own breastfeeding agendas and principles.

Margaret Mead quote

I have been called a bully for calling out breastfeeding activists that have used such tactics and recently, when I encouraged my readers to be careful with whom they align themselves with through their social media outlets, I was told I was shaming another breastfeeding advocate and people I should support even if I disagree with how they are behaving.  I have been asked how I could partner with someone like the Suzanne Barston from the Fearless Formula Feeder who supposedly should be my “sworn enemy” in spreading a message of support for all.  I have been approached by concerned breastfeeding advocates that perhaps I should put my efforts into creating a unified front for breastfeeding education and support instead of denouncing those in our camp that refuse to reconsider their strong-arm messaging of shame.  Though I’ve been vocal against such methods of supposed “support” in the past, I haven’t had the energy or the time to juggle everything let alone to add making those whose “camp” I should be in angry so TLB just quietly carried on with our core values in place doing the best we could to support.  But I’ve had enough and I can’t continue even appearing as though I’m part of a movement that often (yes, OFTEN) utilizes tools of shame cloaked as “inspiration.”

If standing against bullying and shame based motivators requires me to hand in my “lactivist” or breastfeeding advocate card, so be it.  You can have it.  The Leaky Boob is about people first and I will not throw that principle and my compassion under the bus of arrogant activism.  I have no doubt sometimes my own efforts of support are missteps and unintentionally hurt people and I know sometimes there are voices within TLB’s community that can be harsh.  This isn’t a step away from the belief that there are risks to formula feeding that parents need information about, it isn’t a divorce from the science that supports breastfeeding as the healthy normal food for a human infant, this isn’t a watering down of our commitment to help moms reach their breastfeeding goals, and it certainly isn’t a sugarcoating of the issues surrounding infant feeding and society.  Those issues remain and will continue to be something we respectfully discuss.  This is simply a more clear step toward expressing the underlying belief that pressuring moms and telling them what to do and how to do it is not actual support.  Whatever label or camp TLB falls under, I hope it is one that is hallmarked with compassion.  In agreement with those the asked me what about being unified, I call all breastfeeding advocates, all infant nutrition experts, all WHO Code champions, all individuals with an invested interest in infant and early childhood feeding to ask how we can all unite with respect as mothers and fathers first, remembering our humanity as more important than our individual lifestyles and choices.  As Amy West said:

Maybe the breastfeeding advocacy chapter is coming to a close; maybe fostering respect among mothers is the real cause worth championing.

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Guest Post from Suzanne of The Fearless Formula Feeder- Mean People Suck.

I’m happy to share this guest post from Suzanne Barston the a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP.  Suzanne writes over at the Fearless Formula Feeder, a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents.  I asked to cross post her article because I thought it was well written and offered a perspective that should touch all of our humanity about how we treat others in the name of a cause.  My friendship with Suzanne has been growing and I deeply respect her, the work she does, and her heart because while it may seem at first glance that she and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum, we are, in fact, more similar than we are different.  I highly encourage my readers to quietly spend some time on her website and Facebook page listening and learning.  To genuinely support you have to first listen to what those needing support actually need and don’t assume you know better than they.  This article was originally published here.  ~Jessica

by Suzanne Barston

Back in the 90’s, before the age of memes, bumper stickers were the best of sending the world (or at least the person stuck behind you in traffic) a message about your political leanings, philosophy, or the status of your child’s “Good Citizenship” in school. People got seriously creative with these little strips of adhesive, but there was one that seemed to be strike a chord with the folks I typically associated with. The Birkenstocks-wearing, Ani-DiFranco-listening, liberal-arts-major types. The message that seemed to be stuck to the back of everyone’s used Volvo was this:

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Mean People Suck.

Catchy, isn’t it?

But what I’ve realized in my late thirties is that mean people do more than just “suck”. The screw things up for the rest of us, in serious, systemic ways. They are the cops who brutalize minor offenders based on the color of their skin; the politicians who refuse to see the human side of their voting record, the instigators of road rage. And in the parenting world, they are the women who perpetuate the mommy wars (such a stupid and patronizing term, for a stupid and patronizing problem).

The thing is, mommy “wars” may be stupid, but their effect is far-reaching and profound. They make us believe we need to take sides, choose a team, thus dividing us and making it ridiculously easy to conquer us. And by conquering us, I mean keeping us from fighting collectively for better family leave, better maternal health care, better resources and options for our children and ourselves. We’re so busy trying to prove we’re an Alpha Female, conveniently forgetting that alpha males are generally assholes.

Speaking of Alpha Females, there’s a woman who has built up an impressive following on the Internet who I’ve tried to avoid giving airtime for the past year or so, after a few run-ins that made it clear her only motivation in life is to fight. I’ve tried thinking about her in a new-agey way, considering what made her the way she is, and trying to feel sympathy for her anger and vitriol rather than letting her make me act in turn. But when Jessica from the Leaky Boob – a woman I admire greatly and am proud to consider a friend – reached out to me about this Alpha person’s latest assault, I agreed to speak up.

I agreed to speak up because my friendship with Jessica is based on everything that this other person is trying her damndest to destroy. Jessica runs one of the most respected and beloved communities for breastfeeding women. I run a modest but pretty vocal community of people who take issue with the current state of breastfeeding promotion (as well as people who are totally cool with breastfeeding promotion, but ended up using formula for whatever reason and are willing to put up with the constant drama and debate because they have few other communities where they feel safe asking questions about formula feeding). We’re part of an informal community of breastfeeding advocates (and me, although I do consider myself a breastfeeding advocate, albeit a strange hybrid of one) where we discuss ways to better serve all mothers and provide REAL support and education. It’s actually really awesome to see how women can work together to find solutions even when they come from opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.

The Alpha individual operates on the premise that working relationships (and friendships) like this cannot – or should not – exist. Her page and blog are consistently dedicated to making fun of those who haven’t lived up to her own personal standards. Her work wouldn’t be worth mentioning at all, except for the fact that she has gotten the seal of approval from several notable breastfeeding researchers and advocates, including James Akre, who writes regular (and strikingly misogynist) guest posts for her blog. The woman knows how to get page views and Facebook likes. You have to admire her for that.

But in the immortal words of Stan Lee (and as I keep telling my Marvel comic-obsessed son), with great power comes great responsibility. And when someone with a fair share of public attention does something incredibly harmful, not only to a movement (those invested in creating a more supportive environment among mothers) but more importantly to an individual, that is an abuse of power, and seriously irresponsible.

Here are the facts: The blogger in question stole a photo of a woman in an emotional moment and used it to promote her recurring message that formula feeding parents are lazy and un-invested in their children. The photo was of a woman hooked up to wires, looking at least semi-unconscious, with a baby being held up to her breast. The blogger superimposed the word “obsessed” on the photo, meant in a “positive” way, as in, yes; this woman was obsessed with breastfeeding, which was a good thing because it meant she was properly dedicated. Unlike the rest of you nitwits.

The thing is, that was the antithesis of what this photo meant to the mom featured in it. This was, for her, a memory of something she went through with her child. I don’t know if that memory was positive or negative or something in between, as most postpartum memories are when something goes awry. It’s not my business to know. It’s hers. She didn’t intend for her image to be used this way. We don’t know the backstory behind the image, which I’m sure is human and flawed and beautiful and complicated.

But bloggers like the Alpha person are not complicated. They are simple. They are mean. And mean people suck.

They suck the life out of images like this; make them fodder for a contrived mommy war. They suck the life out of breastfeeding advocacy efforts, because they perpetuate the myth of the “breastapo” by becoming a caricature of that concept.  They suck the joy out of parenting, by making it a competition. They suck the intelligence and nuance out of what could be a productive debate between people who genuinely care about maternal and child health. And they suck the energy out of bloggers like Jessica and myself, who resent that we feel forced into a corner and made to confront this type of bottom-feeding behavior, when we could be focusing our collective efforts on something more productive.

Alpha types will always exist, these parasites that feed on fear, loneliness and feelings of inferiority. But parasites can be stopped if their food source is cut off. That’s why we are asking both of our communities to stop engaging. Don’t be a food source. Don’t visit her site. Don’t comment on the Facebook page, even if it’s to fight back against the hate. Just don’t engage.

If you see people you respect at risk of an infestation, let them know the true nature of the beast. Speak up when respected advocates are partnering with her or linking to her work. Let those around you know that this type of behavior does not advocate breastfeeding; it advocates bullying, shaming and hate.

And if you see one of her memes, post one of your own. One from a time before the internet allowed the best and worst of humanity to be distributed worldwide: Mean People Suck. Because they do.

Mean-People-Breed-Bumper-Sticker-(5567)

 

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