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Help them help you- new baby sign with ways for visitors to help

July 27, 2012 By

Sugarbaby, minutes old. Photo by Debra Parker

For my last 2 babies, my midwife had a piece of paper she taped to my front door before she left after the birth.  Announcing to visitors that there was a new baby in the house, it shared birth facts such as weight, length, name, date, etc.  That part was nice but what I really loved was the part about what visitors could do.  Informing them that a new baby means help is needed and that their visit should be brief, this little piece of paper taped to my front door encouraged those that loved us and wanted to celebrate with us to keep their voices low, limit their time, understand if we needed to be alone, and give them ideas of how to help such as offering to do the dishes, sweep a floor, run the vacuum, or take the bigger kids to the park.  In short, it helped our visitors figure out how to be the best kind of visitors and I discovered that I didn’t mind having people stop by as much as I did with my older kids simply because they helped more and were more understanding of our needs.  Knowing they already saw a notice of sorts on the front door before they came in made it easier for me to respect my own boundaries, excusing myself to rest or not feeling awkward about them asking if they could help with something around the house.

There are far too many expectations on families when they have a new baby.  Respecting the postpartum recovery and the important bonding that needs to happen with the new family member sets up families to continue on well for the long haul.  If you’re breastfeeding, this time is crucial to establishing your breastfeeding relationship and focusing on that will have a long term pay off.  Pushing for too much too soon, other people interfering with the bonding, can leave moms feeling burnt out and unwell months, maybe even years later.  Having true support and help to take the time to really heal leads to endurance in the parenting journey.  That, and knowing we’re not alone along the way.

So my gift to you is my version of this life-saving piece of paper.  Ask your care provider to sign it complete with the appropriate initials behind their name then stick it on your front door when your little one arrives and leave it there for at least 6 weeks (8 if you birth via c-section).  Be a good friend and print it off to give others that are expecting for them to put on their front door.  Don’t hesitate to point out the note, referring to it by asking if they saw how much baby weighed or how long she was and if they didn’t notice, encourage them to go check out the info posted on the front door.  It can be hard to ask for help yet not allowing others to help ends up creating isolation and robbing others of the joy of offering support and encouragement by helping. This little bit of guidance can help not only the new mom and family but the friends and family that want to offer quality support but just aren’t sure what is needed.  Take the guess work out of the picture and everyone wins.

New Baby Help Sheet

 

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Filed Under: baby, birth, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding the newborn, family, Featured, form letter, Jessica, postpartum, Relational Resource Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Babymooning- 12 signs you are the mother of a breastfeeding newborn

May 1, 2012 By
I’m babymooning.  Sugarbaby and I are doing very well, now 12 days postpartum.  I’ve been trying very hard to take it easy and respect this postpartum time for myself and it has been paying off.  Over the last almost 2 weeks I’ve been simply enjoying my baby, my family, and resting.  Cherishing this newborn time that goes too fast has been my priority.
I wanted to share some observations I’ve made during my babymoon, maybe you can relate and I’m sure you can add some of your own.
You know you’re the mom of a breastfeeding newborn when…
  1. You finally get to take a shower and within 10 minute of getting out you already have leaked milk all over your clean shirt.
  2. As much as you like the longer, thicker hair you grew during pregnancy, hacking it off with a dull pair of scissors is starting to sound like a good plan between the frequency of showers you get, the death-like grip of a tiny handful of hair your baby is capable of, cleaning spit up out of it several times a day, and the nagging fear of a hair tourniquet.
  3. You wonder why you didn’t invest in more yoga pants and are certain you will never wear blue jeans again.
  4. Your favorite food is: “anything someone else made.”
  5. Any time someone hugs you any way but with a side hug you wince.
  6. The old adage “never wake a sleeping baby” doesn’t apply when your boobs are rock hard boulders crushing your chest.  Yes, you will wake your baby for some relief.
  7. You wish you had jedi powers for every time you forget to grab a drink of water before you sit down to breastfeed… again.
  8. “Sleep when baby sleeps” seems like a good plan but you wonder when you’d get to pee or brush your teeth or eat.  Then you realize that sleep trumps everything else and decide you’ll pee, brush your teeth, and eat while holding your baby.
  9. Something seems really funny and you laugh hysterically only to forget what was so funny 5 minutes later.
  10. Shirts are “clean” unless the smell is too bad or there is obvious spit-up or poop on them, dried milk leaks don’t count as “dirty.”
  11. The stash of reusable breastpads that seemed so impressive before giving birth is used up in one day after your milk comes in.
  12. You’d rather sniff your baby’s head snuggled on your chest than even your favorite flower any day.

The Leakies on The Leaky Boob Facebook page had plenty more here and I hope you’ll add your own in the comments below.  Now back to my baby head sniffing!

 

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Filed Under: baby, Boobs, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding the newborn, breasts, Featured, Jessica, motherhood, nursing, postpartum Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Gear up, baby!

April 17, 2012 By

I’m a simple kind of gal.  There is very little I feel we need for a new baby and then some things I want for a new baby.  Really it comes down to something for the pee/poop, boobs, and something to keep the newbie tied to me.  But there are somethings beyond that we get to help care for our newest little person.  Some are our basics, others make it easier, and still others are a luxury.  Most of this can be found at yard sales, thrift stores, craigslist, consignment shops, and hand-me-downs from friends, we rarely buy brand new. Everyone’s list will look a bit different, what works for one family won’t for another.  Here’s our breakdown.

Basics:

diapers- we cloth diaper, here’s what we find essential

  • 3 snappis
  • prefolds, hand-me-downs and from Green Mountain Diapers
  • wool covers- mostly homemade hand knit or repurposed wool, some PUL covers from Thirsties (I ordered some new Duo Wraps from Lullaby Kisses)
  • detergent- trying Thirsties Super Wash this time, also ordered from Lullaby Kisses as well as Rockin’ Green.
  • cloth wipes- flannel squares work well as do baby wash cloths
  • diaper ointment- my babies always have sensitive skin, I love Motherlove Herbal’s Diaper Rash and Thrush, cloth diaper safe, works well, gentle on my babies’ sensitive skin, and you can’t beat these ingredients.  Oh, and a pot of it lasts forever!
  • Wetbags- dirty diapers need a designated spot.  Wetbags do the job without nasty pails of soaking diapers.  We have one big one (from Goodmama ages ago) and 2 medium ones for the diaper bag, and 1 small one to hold wipes, all WAHM ones. (Lullaby Kisses has a good selection of these too.)

clothes

  • 5 or so gowns- baby in a bag, easy for changing in the middle of the night
  • 5 or so footed PJs
  • 5+ t-shirts
  • dozen socks (because there is always one missing)
  • 3 hats (1 on their head, 1 in the laundry, 1 ready- because they somehow get poop on them)
  • 8 or so bottoms- most of ours are hand knits, have extras for poop accidents

sleep

  • Moses basket- typically a hand-me-down or borrowed, can be moved room to room or outside.
  • carrier- because they usually sleep on me or their daddy and with work and family I need to be able to multitask.  You really only need one versatile carrier.  We already have a Moby, my go-to carrier for a newborn (also available at Lullaby Kisses), a Beco, my go-to carrier for longer excursions when they are a bit bigger; a homemade mei-tai, and was recently gifted my first woven wrap (a Didymos- so pretty).  I lost my ring sling (that I’ve had for years!) and so I’m getting a new one from Paxbaby.com (they carry EVERYTHING and have great personalized service) because it’s my “fast” carrier.
  • baby blankets for light swaddling, warmth, and to throw down wherever baby ends up sleeping when not on mommy or daddy.

bath

  • water- breastmilk poop is water soluble, doesn’t even need a cleaning agent besides water.
  • bath tub- I usually bathe with my babies the first few weeks so I just hold them on my lap in the tub.
  • 2-3 wash clothes to gently scrub the neck folds.
  • 2 hooded towels, because they WILL poop on one leading to another bath and the need for another towel.

travel- leaving the house

  • Car seat- no exception.  I’ve never started with a convertible, always an infant car seat AKA bucket.  It stays in the car most of the time.  This time it’s the same Chicco we had with Smunchie and then we’ll be going to clek’s new Foonf when Sugarbaby is ready for a convertible and it will last us years.  It doesn’t have to be the best of the best or top of the line but a good seat with a high safety rating is an essential for our family.  This is one area where we see spending big dollars to be essential for ultimate safety, it’s not a luxury.  As a major yarn lover I’ve sold yarn in the past to be able to afford the kind of seat we could feel good about.
  • carrier- we don’t keep our babies in the bucket seats, they go from the car seat into a carrier.
  • bag for diapers
  • 2 wet bags- wipes and dirty diapers
  • 2 changes of clothes
  • thin blanket- to lay down for changes if need be.
  • top for mom- I’m going to leak and I want to be prepared just in case.
  • breast pads- I have a pair in my bra and a pair in my bag.  This is vital as I leak a lot.  I’ll be wearing Bamboobies most of the time and trying out Posh Pads for the first time.
  • burp cloths- spit up happens.  Whether it’s a diaper or a fancy boutique burp cloth, it’s essential to have something to clean up with.  We already have some special ones that were made for different babies along the way.

play time

  • blankets- all types: thick, thin, big, little, homemade, store bought, etc.  I like to have a nice stack of blankets for time on the floor, making a nest in a basket for time outside, for peek-a-boo, and for anything else that seems useful.
  • toy/lovey- no, they aren’t playing or interacting with these things yet but I have found one way to help older siblings respect the new baby and their space is to have something that is brand new for them, set apart as “theirs.”  Often my big girls pick out the item and often the item (sometimes items) actually do become the lovey object of choice.

feeding

  • my boobs
Nice to have

diapers- cloth

  • different styles- while the basic prefold is our workhorse diaper, it’s nice to have different styles.  We have some fitteds, a couple of pockets (LolliDoo’s eco pockets are great!), and an all-in-one.
  • cloth wipes, specifically for wiping up little bums, these are thicker than wash clothes.  Happy Heinys has some nice basic wipes you just throw in with your diaper laundry.

clothes

  • a few special pieces, just for the new baby, something I’ll save to give them for their children one day.
  • a couple of cute outfits they can poop on for you.
  • a few handmade/hand knitted/hand sewn items from me and other family member/friends.
  • extras of everything so I don’t have to do laundry as often.

Sleep

  • a special blanket designated as new for the baby, usually handmade.  My mom has a friend that loves to crochet blankets and so I pick out the yarn, my mom buys it, and this friend makes something beautiful with it.  I love this more than I can say.  It helps a lot too, everyone knows it’s the baby’s blanket, and it gives the new big sisters a way to help take care of the baby too.  Then, as the baby gets older, they love hearing about how it was made for them, why I picked the colors I did, and how it’s all their own.  These are treasures in our home.  But if you don’t have someone to make you a handmade blanket and won’t be making one yourself, I love these blankets from Sarah’s Silks and have quite a few friends whose children grow up loving their special soft blankets.  But since you don’t lay babies down with blankets anyway, these really aren’t for sleep in the first year, more like for cuddling to sleep.
  • cosleeper- we borrowed one of these from a friend with Squiggle Bug, loved it.  It was particularly nice when my hormones went crazy and I was having the night sweats.  We haven’t been able to budget for one since but it was really nice to have then.
  • I also think one of those moses basket stands would be nice to have though the cosleeper and the stand would be overkill.  Either one would be nice.
  • a variety of carriers.  Since I’m going to be wearing my baby more than I am anything else, it’s nice to have some options in carriers.  Like maybe something that will go with everything: a Girasol Rainbow wrap. (I might lust after that one.)

bath

Travel- leaving the house

  • diaper bag- something with lots of pockets and compartments and I really like to have a big one for longer outings with room for a carrier, and a small one for shorter outings.
  • stroller- I usually wear my babies, it’s true, but sometimes I like to put them in a stroller for various reasons (i.e. bra shopping while babywearing is a tad difficult) and sometimes it’s for nothing more than holding various paraphernalia including the diaper bag.  We’ve had the same stroller for ages, it’s falling apart so I’m hoping it makes it through one more baby before we trash it.  If not I’ll be checking out craigslist, thrift stores, and yard sales.

Play time

  • swing or bouncy seat- while we wear our babies most of the time, sometimes I have to set them down for my own sanity, shower, or just a change of pace for all of us.
  • play gym or activity bar- they can’t really do anything with it but throw down a blanket and put them on their back under that toy bar and I get enough time to cook up some bacon as they stare in wonder, particularly at the one with the mirror.  But my favorite thing?  How the older siblings get in on the action by talking to baby, jingling the toys dangling, and showing them how it all works.
  • a couple of natural wood rattles like this one, this one, this international breastfeeding symbol one, or the classic favorite Sofie.  These become heirlooms and fun to share.

Breastfeeding

  • as far as baby is concerned, nothing is nicer to have than boobies.

 

Luxury

diapers- cloth

  • some fun, fancy diapers in fun fancy prints or with embroidery.  There are so many brands out there, I just picked a few to try and bought the prints I liked.  We’ve had ours for years though and didn’t buy any for Sugarbaby this time.
  • pretty colors, super soft fabric, maybe even custom made… velour wipes are so pretty, clean up so well, and are quite the splurge.  Hazelbee Baby has a great selection in all the colors of the rainbow and then some.  Simply beautiful.

clothes

  • a line of clothing- picking a line from a company and getting a few pieces from that line.  I fell hard for some stuff from Zutano this time around and was so excited when it came up on Zulily.  Plus, this incredible company truly supports breastfeeding and has a breastfeeding/baby friendly work environment for the moms that work for them.  Beautiful clothes and an amazing company that supports a cause close to my heart?  Yes please!
  • special yarn that gets made into a special outfit.  Luxury for both me and baby plus it becomes a keepsake.
  • soft shoes- they don’t walk anywhere but they sure are cute!  Plus, they help keep those baby socks on that we’re losing otherwise.

sleep

  • I have long admired, though never been able to afford, a baby hammock like this one.  We cosleep but in a combination of room sharing and bed sharing and since we often still have company from our big kids in the middle of the night, I would love something like this for Sugarbaby.  This is definitely one of my luxury (not going to happen) wish list items.
  • I’m big on blankets I’m noticing.  The last 3 of our babies (including Sugarbaby) have gotten a custom bamboo velour blanket from Zaichiki Baby.  We pick out the colors as a family and order them a toddler size blanket.  So they get the handmade crochet blanket and one bamboo blanket.  These become best sleeping buds as time goes by and let me tell you, the bamboo velour is divine.  This one is Smunchie’s and this one is Squiggle Bug’s.

bath

  • these and these- can you imagine?  We don’t have them but they sure seem nice!
  • hooded baby bathrobe/sack- someone gave us one of these when Earth Baby was born and I was surprised to discover I loved it.  Put her in it right out of the bath, zip it up, and snuggle!  One of the cutest things and it seemed to instantly calm her.  We’ve had it ever since, it’s a little worn looking these days.
  • Earth Mama Angel Baby Bundle of Suds and/or the Non-scents Head to Toe wash, and the Angel Baby Oil because baby massage is awesome.  I also really love all of Weleda’s baby products (and then some) and am so grateful we were given the Baby Starter Kit with an earlier baby and now a couple of Weleda products are on our wish list with our new babies.  (Pssst… they have a baby massage video on their site plus if you buy 2 baby products and use the code “BABYDOLL” at check out they’ll include a cute little free baby doll with your order!)
Travel- leaving the house
  • Ness Diaper Bag- because they’re gorgeous and incredibly well designed! (I want one, totally drooling over these bags.)
  • JuJu-Be Diaper Bag- because they’re fun!  This hip messenger style would probably be my pick.
  • I got to play with some luxury strollers at the ABC Expo this past fall and wow, I had no idea what I was missing.  Still way out of my price range but totally dreamy, I loved most of the ones I got to try.  Check out Phil and Teds, iCandy, and Bugaboo, if you’re in the market for a stroller that really does make your life easier.
Play time
  • Lambskin cuddle rug- I have wanted one of these for a long time and this past fall even figured out what brand I’d get if I could.  I love the short cut of the Lamby cuddle rug and this would be my choice to have to lay down for play times and sleepy time.  On my wishlist!
Breastfeeding
  • my boobs

 

As Sugarbaby is expected any day now I find myself checking to be sure everything is ready for having a new baby, even things I know won’t be used right away.  ”Stuff” doesn’t make a home ready for a new baby but there is a lot of “stuff” that helps a family care for their new arrival including helping with the transition of adding a family member.  The tangible preparations can go a long way in helping with the mental and emotional preparations for a new baby.  Sugarbaby won’t be interested in playing with the new wood rattle waiting on the shelf in our room but every time I look at it I look forward a little bit more to my sweet babe being in my arms.  Coming up I’ll be sharing my lists for me and for the family because having a baby isn’t just about the baby, you have to take care of everyone.

_______________________________

What does your list look like?  Basic, nice to have, and luxury, what would you put on your list of baby gear to have?

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Filed Under: baby, birth, family, Featured, Jessica, Parenting, postpartum, Pregnancy Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Dear Nurse Julie- a letter to my labor and delivery nurse

January 30, 2012 By

Dear Nurse Julie,

You were in my life for about two and a half days 13 years ago, I’d never met you before nor have I seen you since.  It may have been brief but you made a huge difference in my life and I owe you a deep debt of gratitude.

I had prepared so much for the birth, read everything I could get my hands on including an OB text book, took a childbirth education class, and practiced Bradley method relaxation for weeks at home with The Piano Man.  We knew what we wanted for our birth and after a complicated pregnancy, we were prepared to fight for it.  When I went into labor at 41 weeks and 4 days we were ready.  The Piano Man was an amazing advocate for me, actively intercepting anyone that entered the room and questioning every procedure (no enema!) while helping me relax and focus on the work of birthing our daughter.  Together, he and I made a great labor and birthing team.  I’m pleased to say that 5 babies later and one on the way, we still do.

Our bags were packed, there was film in the camera (remember that?  Cameras that used film?), we were so ready to have a baby.  Except for one thing: we had done nothing to prepare for breastfeeding.  The thought hadn’t even occurred to us.  We knew that was how we were going to feed out baby once we had her in our arms but we read nothing, took no classes, and never even thought to see if there was anything we needed to know before breastfeeding.  Both of our mothers had breastfed, we knew a few friends that had so really, how hard could it be?

All our nurses were nice enough and the birth was mostly amazing with some traumatic experiences.  Earth Baby was born at 6.39am and we met you shortly after with the shift change.  Instantly I felt connected to you, your smile, your warmth, and your genuine congratulations on our baby as if you hadn’t seen hundreds of births and newborns every week.  After I was all stitched up, hydrated, and my blood loss dealt with you asked me an incredibly important question: “are you ready to breastfeed your baby?”

Nobody had mentioned it.  I knew it was in my chart because something I had read about birth plans suggested to ask for it to be put in my chart.  Still, you were the first to say anything about it.  Having just lost a lot of blood with a partially retained placenta and manual DNC, I was feeling weak and more tired than I had ever felt in my life.  Holding my baby, let alone breastfeeding her, completely wore me out.  Like a dear in headlights I told you yes, but only because I remembered that it was the plan.  Your response: “good, because she’s hungry and I think she’s ready to eat well for you” jarred me out of feeling my exhaustion and into the reality that my baby needed me to meet her needs.  I really was ready to feed my baby.

I don’t remember how long you stayed in my room but somehow, you made me feel like I was the only mom that needed your attention.  Perched on the side of my bed, you helped me get into a position I found comfortable, plumped plenty of pillows to support Earth Baby and I, encouraged me to drop the shoulder of the hospital gown, and talked me through latching Earth Baby for the first time.  Your encouragement for how well we were doing, what a healthy strong latch Earth Baby had, and suggestions for positions made me feel like not only could I breastfeed my baby, I already was and doing great!  You answered every one of my questions, no matter how basic or obvious the answer may have been, as though it was a pleasure to answer my important concerns with patience and care.  Even when Earth Baby was latched and I was comfortable, you stayed and chatted, telling me about your 2 boys, that you had breastfed your second one but not the first, and telling me about how you were drawn to OB nursing and how you loved helping moms.

It showed.

Once I was moved to the postpartum wing, you continued to visit me.  You’re ongoing support regarding everything I was experiencing from peeing for the first time after giving birth to changing my baby’s diaper to breastfeeding helped grow my confidence that I could, in fact, take this baby home and not kill either of us.  When I told you my nipples were hurting you showed me how to position my baby’s chin lower on my breast so she took a big mouthful of nipple.  When I was still drained from the birth, you explained different positions and helped me practice using them.  Constantly considerate, you never touched me without asking and receiving my permission first and even then you rarely handled my breast choosing instead to carefully and patiently explain how I could do it myself.  I can’t even begin to tell you how far that went in helping me not be afraid or feel strange about my own body.  From the bottom of my heart I thank you for that gift, it has remained with me to today, growing stronger over the years.

When the grumpy nurse, who’s name I can’t recall because for the last 13 years I’ve referred to her as “grumpy nurse,” told me I was starving my baby because my breasts were empty and not meeting my baby’s needs, I cried.  A lot.  Earth Baby had lost over a pound in just a matter of 2 days and the grumpy nursery nurse that made me cry told me I’d never be sent home with my baby if I didn’t agree to give her formula.  Oh the things I know now!  All those fluids we had in labor… but back then I had now idea.  I caved.  Still weak from the blood loss, recovering from a 4th degree tear, and afraid my baby was hurting I agreed to a bottle of formula.  My heart ached, I never meant to starve my baby and my fears were confirmed, I was already failing as a mother.  She whisked my baby away, a satisfied smile on her face as she told me I was making a good choice for the good of my baby, and ran off with my daughter to feed her the bottle of formula.  I sobbed.  You came in shortly after and was surprised Earth Baby wasn’t with me.  When I told you why I saw the storm clouds gather in your normally incredibly friendly eyes and you told me you’d be back.  What I didn’t know is that you must have marched out to that nurses station, called our pediatrician, asked him about the situation, advocated for our breastfeeding relationship, asked him to call the nursery, and headed down there to get my baby back for me.  When you walked in about 15 minutes later with grumpy nursery nurse and my daughter, I had already spoken with our pediatrician who called me to assure me our baby was going to be fine breastfeeding and at this point did not need any formula.  He told me that he had spoken with you and trusted you that Earth Baby and I were doing great breastfeeding, that my milk was coming in, and that I was already a pro.  I cried again.  Someone believed in me.

Somewhere I still have the picture of you and I and Earth Baby just before we were discharged.  My face is red from crying having just gotten Earth Baby back.  You had told me that we were going to be fine, that I was a natural, that Earth Baby was lucky to have me as her mom, and that you enjoyed working with me.  That’s what you told me.  Some many had dismissed me as a young mom and at 20 I was, but you stuck with me respectfully teaching me as though my age was of no consequence.  What you taught me without directly saying so was that I could feed my baby, my body was amazing, I didn’t need to be afraid of my breasts, and I could advocate for myself and my baby.  My husband believed in me but I knew he was just as clueless as I was.  But you?  You were not only an experienced mother, you were a nurse that saw mother after mother with new babies and you believed in me.  If you said I could do it, I probably really could.

Today, 13 years later, I owe a lot to you.  For starters, my breastfeeding relationship with Earth Baby which lasted a year and then extending on to 4 (now almost 5!) babies.  Thanks to you, today I now help support other mothers with their birthing and breastfeeding journeys.  Thank you for supporting me even when I wasn’t sure how to support myself.  Thank you for giving me the courage to be the kind of mother I naturally was but was insecure about stepping into.  Thank you for being kind and encouraging when I was most vulnerable.  Thank you for making a difference in my life and the lives of my children.  You have touched more than you know.  I want to be like you and just love helping moms.

I hope it shows.

 

Sincerely,

 

Jessica Martin-Weber

The Leaky Boob

 

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Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding help, breastfeeding stories, breastfeeding support, Breastfeeding the newborn, Featured, Jessica, Letters from The Leaky Boob, Parenting, postpartum Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Baby Explains- Normal Newborn Behavior

August 18, 2011 By

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Diana Cassar-Uhl, IBCLC 

 

Dear Mommy,

Thank you so much for breastfeeding me!  You probably already know that your milk is designed especially for me, and is better than anything else you could feed me.

I know that right now, you feel like your friends who aren’t breastfeeding their babies seem to have an easier time of things.  Those other babies sleep soundly and longer between feedings, they drink so much, and they don’t fuss to eat all the time like I do!  I can tell you’re getting a little bit frustrated, and I hear all the advice you’re getting … my grandma says you weren’t breastfed and you turned out just fine, my daddy says he feels like he can’t do anything to soothe me, and that lady with the cold hands that you call “doctor” gave you a can of something that she says will help me grow faster.  You’re tired and frustrated because taking care of me just seems too hard, but please mommy, before you give up this yummy breastfeeding thing, let me explain some of my behavior to you.  It might help you feel better.

First, if you and I were separated after I was born, for any reason (maybe it was hospital protocol that I be left under a warmer, maybe you were recovering from surgery), I’ve got some catching up to do, because I probably lost more weight than my friends who got to stay close to their mommies.  It’s OK … I’m really good at letting you know when I need some more calories, but it’s important that you let me breastfeed lots and lots, even if my grandma says “he just ate!!”  In my first few days, the nurses at the hospital might tell you I’m hungry and your body can’t make enough milk for me … but mommy, that colostrum from your breasts is some awesome stuff!  It’s packed with protein, which binds to any bilirubin in my body (elevated bilirubin causes jaundice in more than half of newborns) so I can poop it on out.  It’s also a great laxative, which makes it easy for me to get all that black, tarry meconium out of me and we can move on to the seedy, yellow-brown poops that are much easier to clean off my sweet tushie.  Now, the colostrum is really thick and sticky, and I’m so small and still figuring out how to move my tongue, and we’re both still trying to get comfortable together, so it might take me 20 minutes or longer to suck out just ONE TEASPOON (5-7 mL) of that liquid gold.

But it’s OK, mommy!  You know, there is really nowhere I’d rather be than in your arms, hearing your sweet voice and smelling you  — even though you haven’t had a shower since before I was born, you’re just delicious to me.  And something else you should know about me … even though I have a really cute “Buddha belly” that looks all chubby, the capacity of my stomach on the day I’m born is just 5-7 milliliters – that’s the size of a small marble!  You’re the smartest woman in my whole world, so I know you see the connection here!  The amount of colostrum in your breast is exactly the capacity of my tummy!  My stomach walls on my first day of life are very rigid and won’t stretch; this is why, if anyone tries to feed me with a bottle, I’m going to spit most of it back up again, even though I eagerly suck at it.  See, mommy, I only have two ways to send and receive information from my brand-new world – I can cry, and I can suck.  I can’t see much, and all these sounds are so much louder than when I was inside you, and I can use my hands to help me orient myself on your breast, but crying and sucking are pretty much how I make sense of everything.

From the Heart Photography - Tiffany Hileman

I know it seems really confusing, mommy, that I would want to suck and suck and suck even though my tummy is full.  When I suck, lots of great things happen for both of us.  I keep my own digestion moving by triggering the involuntary digestive muscles in peristalsis – moving the contents of my stomach along because I’m still moving my mouth and tongue, which are the beginning of my digestive tract.  When you let me do all this suckling at your breast, I can very easily regulate how I suck, depending on why I’m sucking at any given moment.  You can probably feel when I’m suckling nutritively and swallowing lots of milk, and when I’m kind of relaxed about it, feeding sort of like I’m savoring a bowl of ice cream … you know how sometimes, you scrape just a tiny bit onto your spoon, because you want it to last a long time?  To me, you’re better than ice cream!  But on a bottle, it’s impossible for me to suck and not get whatever’s in there, and that’s confusing to me, so I might keep sucking because that’s what my instinct is telling me to do, or I might realize my tummy hurts (because even on day 10, my stomach capacity is only a ping pong ball) and I’ll cry and cry because all I really know is crying and sucking!

A word about these instincts I feel … I really can’t help it, mommy, that I want to suckle so much.  It’s just how I came out, and there doesn’t seem to be much that I can do about it.  Please believe me, I’m not trying to trick you!  In a few weeks, this need lets up a tiny bit, but for now, suckling is my M.O.  But, do you want to know something really cool?  I’m not the only one who benefits!  When I suckle at your breast in these early days, your body actually activates prolactin receptors!  Isn’t that amazing?  In my first two weeks, the higher I make your prolactin levels go (my suckling triggers a prolactin surge in your body), the more of these receptors get activated in your breasts, and the higher your potential milk production will be for as long as you choose to breastfeed me.  That’s one reason your lactation consultant tells you to wait on introducing that bottle or that binky– this prolactin receptor thing only happens for the first 10-14 days.  After that, the prolatcin surges when I breastfeed are much smaller, so the more receptors there are to gobble up what prolactin is there, the more easily you’ll make all the milk I need.

Besides prolactin, there’s oxytocin, another hormone I activate when I am at your breast.  Oxytocin is part of what makes you so addicted to me!  It’s “the love hormone” and it helps you feel relaxed and content when we’re breastfeeding.  Go ahead, mommy, exhale and relax!  It’s OK!  Oxytocin release is triggered by nipple stimulation, not necessarily milk removal (though when things are going well, my stimulation of your nipples usually means I’m removing milk!).  Now, I know this might sound a little awkward coming from your baby, but I need you to know something about oxytocin.  There are only three events in your life that trigger oxytocin release: nipple stimulation (like when I’m breastfeeding), labor (the oxytocin released during childbirth stimulates uterine contractions, which is why nipple stimulation might be suggested when labor stalls, and also explains why sometimes, after you breastfeed me, you feel an increased expulsion of lochia and maybe some cramping), and … orgasm!!  Isn’t neat that the same hormone plays a part in making me, birthing me, and feeding me, and it’s a hormone that makes you feel GOOD to do all three?

Mommy, I know you are trying your very best for me and you’ve been worried about whether your body can satisfy my appetite.  I know you’re used to being able to measure everything, and your breasts don’t have markers on them to tell you how much milk I got.  Maybe you used a breast pump, and that confirmed your worries that there isn’t much milk there – but mommy, please understand that a good pump can mimic me, but your body wasn’t designed to have all these wonderful hormone surges for a cold piece of plastic with a noisy vacuum motor.  You know that feeling you get when you hold my warmth and weight, smell how delicious I am, and nom nom nom on my fat cheeks?  That feeling helps you make milk!  That feeling is part of the whole system that was designed to make you need to be close to me, just as much as I need to be close to you.  And mommy, I know you’re very busy, and important, and there’s so much you used to do before I came, and I know right now, it feels like you’ll never do those things again, and our house is getting messy, and maybe that scares you.  But please know, every moment you spend holding me, every time you gaze lovingly at me, and every hour you spend breastfeeding me in these early days is so important to me, because you’re all I know.  I love daddy and grandma and all of our friends, but I’m designed to be happiest and least stressed when I’m with you.  Can you wear me in a sling or soft carrier after I’m milk-drunk?  I really like listening to your heart beating while I sleep, and you are warm and soft and smell so good.  That space between your breasts is perfectly sized for my head, and there’s nothing I like better than the feel of your skin against mine.  Well, maybe there is something I like better … I love it when you sleep next to me after we’ve been breastfeeding.  Oh, mommy, when you nurse me while lying down, you relax and your milk flows so nicely, and I feel like you’re so happy to be with me, and I’m very special to you because you don’t have to run off and do something else as soon as I’ve let your breast go.

And mommy, I have a promise to make to you.  I can’t say for sure when it will happen, but there will come a day when I need you a little bit less intensely.  My feedings will get more organized, my weight gain will stabilize, and sometimes, I’ll even like when my daddy or grandma or other loving person holds me.  But today, I need you.  You’ll always be my number one, even after we’re done breastfeeding, but I will learn, like you did, to defer my needs and to trust others to meet them once you and I get a good thing going.  Thank you so much for all you’ve done for me so far. Until you start giving me an allowance, I hope my good health, sweet smiles, coos, and giggles will sustain you!

Love,

Baby


 

Many thanks to the hundreds of readers that shared so many beautiful photos of their newborn babies.  There is just a small sampling here but you all have incredible photographs of your beautiful babies.  Thank you for being willing to share and to all the photographers of these precious images!

 

Diana Cassar-Uhl, IBCLC and La Leche League Leader, has written articles for the La Leche League publications Leaven and Breastfeeding Today, and is the author of the La Leche League tear-off sheet Vitamin D, Your Baby, and You. She is a frequent presenter at breastfeeding education events. Excited about her work toward a Master of Public Health, Diana hopes to work in public service as an advisor to policymakers in maternal/child health and nutrition. Diana, mother to three breastfed children, has served as a clarinetist on active Army duty in the West Point Band since 1995. Diana enjoys running, writing, skiing, and cross-stitching when she finds herself with spare time.  She also writes at Normal, like breathing. 

 

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Filed Under: Articles from the professional experts, birth, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding the newborn, breastfeeding twins, Featured, guest posts, Photos, postpartum, Relational Resource Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Wrap Your Leaky Boobs in a Cloud- Bamboobies Giveaway

June 16, 2011 By

As part of our LIVE Facebook chat this week with TLB sponsor Bamboobies, Kerry Gilmartin has generously offered 3 prizes just for The Leaky Boob readers.  I love Bamboobies, of all the breast pads I’ve used, these are my favorites.  You can read my, uh… “experienced” review of them here.

The three prizes are a $16.99 discount code to the 3 winners good for a 2-pair package of either our regular ultra-thin, milk-proof bamboobies or our ultra-thick ultra-soft overnight bamboobies.

All you have to do to be entered is to comment on this post and if you feel like it, share a breastfeeding challenge you got through and how.  For a second entry, go like Bamboobies on Facebook, let them know TLB sent you and come back and leave a second comment letting me know you did so.  If you already like Bamboobies on Facebook, share them with your friends and leave a second comment letting me know.

That’s it!  Two easy ways to be entered.  This giveaway is open just for the next 24 hours as part of today’s chat.  The giveaway is open to international entries.

As always, Kerry has also generously offered an ordering code for Leakies as part of Bamboobies regular support of TLB.  Use TLB20 for 20% off at www.buybamboobies.com.  This code is always available for Leakies, use it this week and thank her for the informative and helpful chat!

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Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breasts, giveaway, nursing, postpartum, Sponsor

22 Ways to Nurture the Nurturer

February 17, 2011 By

In Mother, Nurture Thyself I talked about how important it is for me to find time to care for me.  On The Leaky B@@b Facebook wall and in the comments of that post we discussed just how hard it can be to find the time, energy and even means to make it happen.  But we need it.  Finding the time may seem like mission impossible but it’s so worth the benefits that taking the time to make it happen is worth the challenge.  Mission Impossible, no big deal.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find some time for you and, if you have a significant other, you and your partner together and help your entire family to find a healthy balance.

I practically throw a party if I was able to pee just once in a 24 hour period without an audience.  It’s a rare party indeed.  Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about.  So how to find the time to nurture yourself?  You have to start with recognizing that it actually IS important.  It’s like the safety instructions on airplanes: secure your own oxygen mask before helping children with theirs.  In other words, you won’t be any good to anyone if you pass out, so take care of yourself.  Because, let’s face it, burnt out people aren’t fun to be around.  Even kids don’t like to be around burnt out people, they’ll steer clear of them all together if given the chance.  Once you’ve acknowledged that this is necessary, it’s time to start planning a way to find yourself your own nurturing time and here are 22 ideas to get you started.

1. Think small. Sometimes what gets in the way of finding time for yourself is that we think too big.  We think it has to be a big block of time where we can get an entire scrapbook project done or a big night out.  But even small things can be energizing.  Have a stash of something small and special you can enjoy; a piece of chocolate, a bottle of your favorite nail polish, your favorite blogs and take 5 minutes here and there to enjoy them.  Personally I love the Endangered Species All-Natural Dark Chocolate with Cocoa Nibs, just 1 square with a cup of coffee or tea in the afternoon makes me relax a little, a quick coat of my favorite OPI nail polish during nap time, drooling over some delicious yarn online or a visit to SouleMama’s blog all make me feel like I got a little breather.

2. You’re not alone! Kids need time away from others too, even young babies need time without stimulation of interpersonal interactions.  Depending on the age of your constant companions (AKA kids) a great way to find some time to nurture yourself and model it for your children is to invite them to do it with you.  I know, I know, that sounds like I said to have your kids there.  I did.  What I really mean is for your kids to learn how to nurture themselves just as you do.  All growing up my mom enforced a daily quiet time for us kids, even when we were older.  This regular practice did at least 2 very important things for me: taught me it was ok to be on my own a little bit every day and that I liked being alone a little bit every day.  It probably also massively helped my mom be a little more patient with me.  Quiet time was a sanity saver when I was young and today it still is.  Depending on the day and what we have going on when, quiet time can be anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half.  When they are very young it’s nap time, as they get older they look at books, listen to books on CD, color, craft, play-on-your-own time and when they are of reading age it’s dive into a good book time.  Occasionally we’ll all enjoy quite time together in the living room where we set up a spot for each with cups of tea, blankets, pillows and books or journals and on simple rule: no talking.  I love this because I see my kids learning how to respect their own boundaries and meet their needs for quiet space for themselves as well.  A habit I hope they carry with them well into their adulthood.

3. Sleep. It probably goes without saying that most parents are tired.  Chances are strong you’re not getting the sleep you need.  “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is good advice but can be difficult to do particularly if there are older children or a whole pile of responsibilities (Mt. Laundry) you feel you need to get done.  So set the alarm.  You may find that getting to your to-do list is easier after a 20 minute nap and takes you a lot less time than you expected simply because you’re not as tired.  A few nights a week try going to be early even if it means you’re laying down just 30 minutes after you got everyone else in bed.  It may seem like you’re loosing time that way but you’ll make up for it in energy and focus when you’re better rested.  And don’t forget the power of sleeping in too, every great once in a while I set up a basket of special play things held back for special occasions for the girls to discover upon waking and Smunchie and I snuggle in bed as long as we can.  Even more unusual is when I put a movie on for the girls and head back to bed for another hour!

4. Wake-up! As I write this I am the only person up in my house.  It is blissfully quiet and I’m enjoying a cup of tea to myself.  I was out of bed at 5 in order to have this moment, sometimes it’s around 4.  Maybe not every day but a couple of times a week try slipping out of bed before everyone else gets up and do something for yourself.  You might not want to risk house cleaning, that could wake the masses but other quiet activities can be pulled off without anyone ever knowing.  This is so much easier when you’ve had a couple of nights of going to bed earlier or been able to take a power nap.

5. Step away from the sink. Nap time, the time when parents everywhere hope they will finally get something done, can also be the time you get a few moments to nurture yourself.  I have heard and even experienced that cleaning can be cathartic on some level and that’s great (like once, I experienced that once).  But that isn’t really nurturing yourself.  That’s house cleaning.  Sure, you probably keep yourself from going too crazy by scrubbing the bath tub and certainly in making sure you have clean dishes but you can take 5, 10, 20, maybe even 30 minutes to sit down and do something for yourself or take a shower.  Mt. Laundry and Dirty Dishes Swamp will wait.  It isn’t unusual for me to find taking that time for myself leads to me actually being more productive and energized in getting chores or organizing done later.

6. Know thyself.  When much of your time is filled with the sound and busyness of children it can be difficult to hear your own thoughts.  An inexpensive journal can be just the place to get your thoughts out.  Free yourself of any expectations for your journal, it doesn’t have to be well written, articulate, or some type of prose, just throw something down and see where it takes you.  Maybe it won’t be more than list making of the thoughts that are running through your head.  Journaling is a great activity when you’re sitting with a toddler fighting sleep or even making dinner and have it sitting on the counter where you can toss a word or 2 as they come to you.

7. Be flexible. At some point I thought I would never let my children watch TV.  Oh wait, I remember that point, it was when I had no kids.  But then reality hit and having kids turned out to be very different that I expected.  Read: I did a lot of the things I said I’d never do.  We’re still a minimal screen time family (none M-F, very little on weekends) but sometimes I need a break so badly that turning on a 30 minute DVD is worth it’s weight in gold and by the end of it I’m in a totally different place to be the creative parent I want to be with my children.  With my first baby I discovered that having The Piano Man give her a bottle of my pumped milk probably saved our breastfeeding relationship just because I felt like I was getting a break during that time.  Being flexible with what you planned to do in order to build in some space for yourself is an invaluable skill that will go far in managing the parenting ups and downs that are sure to come as your children grow.

8. Co-parent.  If you are with a partner then co-parenting is crucial.  It isn’t babysitting to be the only parent with one’s own children or step-children, it’s parenting.  Everyone will benefit from regular opportunities to be with each parent having time alone as primary caregiver.  For me, sometimes it is just running out to the coffee shop for an hour or so on a morning The Piano Man is home.  The hardest part often isn’t the kids or The Piano Man, it’s me forcing myself out of the house.  I find and create all kinds of silly excuses and often struggle with feeling somehow I shouldn’t go because I’m not fulfilling my role as wife and mother.  Over time The Piano Man has helped me to see how that communicates that I don’t trust him and that I’m buying into expectations about families that I don’t even agree with.  It’s funny too because he was the stay at home parent for 2 years while I worked outside of the home!  After my time away  I always come home to find that he has done things differently than I would have but it’s actually good for my children to have the skills and parenting styles we both bring to the table.  Plus, I’m excited to be with my family again after having been able to pee by myself and hear my own thoughts for a bit.  It’s good for all of us, I get a break, he and the girls connect more, I let go of my control issues, and the girls experience the unique parenting finger print of their daddy.  He and I also help each other find time by getting up with the kids and letting the other one sleep in, making a meal while the other one is taking a shower, or taking all 5 girls to the park while the other is getting a little bit of time alone.

9. What do you enjoy?  Not sure?  Find something that interests you, take a class if need be and start doing it.  I have lots of interests and hobbies that I enjoy: knitting, sewing, needle-felting, crafting, cooking, reading, writing, song-writing, art, photography and painting to name a few.  Wanting to be sure they don’t all center around my kids for both their sake and mine I’ve intentionally developed interests that don’t involve them or aren’t for them.  I work on them here and there as I find the time, learning to be able to work in short bursts.  Sometimes my children get to enjoy the results of my hobbies (i.e. knitted dolls, a sewn play farm mat) but the activity itself was for me.  Branching out into something new (I recently added the needle-felting) can be especially invigorating, try it!

10. Time-savers.  Find ways to save time, use the FlyLady method for house cleaning and decluttering, meal plans and weekly menus, and getting really good at using the slow cooker can add hours to your day.  I’ve liked my Crock-Pot for a long time but it was when I discovered Stephanie O’Dea’s A Year of Slow Cooking (and she has 2 books now too!) that I discovered that I down right love my slow cooker and now we use it several times a week.

11. Make the most of time. When I decided I really wanted to write a book I got Barbara DeMarco-Barrett’s book Pen on Fire to help me find the motivation and strategy in my busy life being the mom of 5 kids.  Learning how to see pockets of time in my day and to learn to make the most of them felt like someone gave me a gift.  While larger blocks of time are important for nurturing ourselves, tiny snippets of time tucked here and there can turn into a cumulative gold mine of self-nurturing opportunities.  Laying Squiggle Bug down for a nap or the night equals knitting, journaling, or brainstorming time and lately with Smunchie I’ve had to do a lot of pacing to get help her fall asleep and have started doing lunges, kick-ups, standing crunches and leg lifts at the same time.  Other ways to make the most of time is to set the timer when everyone is safe, fed, and set-up with something for them and take 10 minutes for you to do something that will be sure you are safe, fed and well cared for as well.

12. Go outside.  A change of scenery and fresh air for a tired, overstimulated, stressed-out parent is like a big cup of cool water to a marathon runner.  When the weather permits we head outdoors.  As a homeschooling family we take advantage of any weather opportunity to set up on an old, large quilt outside.  Bringing our school work, play silks and some books and toys, the big girls find their spots to read or work (up in the tree is a favorite) as Squiggle Bug enjoys exploring outside and Smunchie crawls after her.  When Smunchie was smaller she was either in a basket by my side or worn on me.  Our back yard or a park, I can knit, read or write as the outside world provides a relaxing change of pace and environment for all of us while I keep an eye on the girls being entertained by the great outdoors.

13. Get moving. A walk, a bike ride, a living room dance party, a wii work out, an hour at the gym, laps in the pool, physical activity gets your blood pumping and your body working.  Wherever you can fit it in or carve out the time to make it happen, physical activity will not only make you healthier (and your children deserve to have healthy parents) but will give your mind time to process all that you’re dealing with and release hormones that will give you energy.

14. All together now! While we all need time on our own and just one-on-one, don’t underestimate the effect taking time to nurture the entire family will have on everyone.  Family game night, reading together, and any other host of fun activities just to enjoy together, both regularly scheduled and special occasion family events will nurture everyone as well as your family togetherness.  Sharing the activities you love with your kids from time to time becomes a special opportunity, we have knitting parties in our house just because we all enjoy it.

15. Find community. Parenting groups, neighborhood community centers, churches, like-minded co-ops, school groups, play groups and more are opportunities to build community.  It’s a way to connect with others for support, hear that your not alone, and refresh your adult mind by interacting with other adults.  That can be revolutionary to your entire week!  Additionally you may just find a friend that will want to get together outside of the group and swap child care.

16. One for you, one for me.  There’s a balance of give and take to strike in most relationships.  With children it’s a lot of give and we don’t expect to receive anything in return, though we do receive a lot in the form of love and all things wonderfully unique to children.  So the take also comes from you, you have to give to yourself even as you give to your children.  Wearing my babies and small children has been a life saver not in just soothing them and getting stuff around the house done but also by letting me find time to myself.  With a content child on my back or front, particularly a sleeping one, I’ve multitasked all kinds of activities from creative experiments in the kitchen to sewing, from walks outside to working out (what a way to increase the work out too!), from knitting to installing one of my pieces.  I can meet their needs and some of my own at the same time.

Installing a piece at a gallery while nursing a 5 week old Smunchie

17. Tune out to tune in.  Vegging in front of the TV can be a nice way to unwind but once kids are settled for the night how often do you really need to hear someone else talk at you rather than with you?  Turning off the TV a few times a week and stepping away from the computer and phone so you can tune into yourself and your partner opens so many opportunities for finding things that nurture and energize you and your relationship as well as the time to take advantage of them.

18. Be intentional. Set and keep a few standing dates on some sort of regular basis, weekly, monthly, quarterly and annually.  Time for yourself alone and time for you alone with your partner and/or friends.  A couple of times a month I meet with my good friend Monette (who blogs over here and is totally wonderful and inspiring) where we encourage and inspire each other with our writing goals and family life.  To keep it simple we meet at the same place on the same day at the same time, a Thai restaurant with an amazing deal on Massaman Curry we both love.  The Piano Man and I have both regular date nights (not weekly though, as much as I’d like to it just doesn’t work with our schedules right now) and annual special days such as the day after Christmas where we get a couple of sitters back to back and go out for almost the whole day.

19. Prioritize. If you can’t find people to swap child care with or don’t have friends and family that will babysit for free and spending the money on a sitter means you couldn’t afford dinner and a movie, skip on the dinner and the movie and get a sitter anyway.  Check for specials and free days or events at museums or community centers, visit the library or book store and just browse (hang out in the poetry section and read love poems together or head to the romance section and randomly select books to read randomly selected passages allowed to each other- very hot, very fun and very free), or any number of ideas from my super creative friends (and the our daughters’ godparents) over at datesonthecheap.com.

20. Work together. The Piano Man and I work very well together and I know that isn’t the case for all couples.  If you know there is something you enjoy working on together (we like cooking and songwriting) then schedule time after kids are in bed or when they are safely entertained with something and get working on it.  If you’re not sure how well you’ll work together, try something new.  Start a project.  Our Lunch In Paris has been so much fun for us, we don’t get a lot of time but we’re keeping it simple and working it in where it fits.  The whole concept was initially hammered out over the phone while he was pushing Squiggle Bug on the swing at the park and I was pacing the hall to lay Smunchie down for a nap and now we work our way through the book over coffee in the afternoon for about 20 minutes during quiet time about ounce a week.  We’re laughing, talking and brainstorming as we share the experience and grow in our relationship.

21. Ask for help. We are social creatures, we need community and the support of others.  Sure, you probably can do it alone but that doesn’t mean you should.  Friends, family, neighbors, church members, and fellow parents can be excellent sources of help and support.  Spend time developing a relationship with them and inviting them to participate with your family so you all get comfortable with each other, go over family rules and listen to your inner sense on someone but when you feel you’re ready, have them babysit.  An hour while you take a walk around the neighborhood with your phone ready while the kids are napping or in bed is a good way to test the waters.  We’ve just branched out into letting Earth Baby (a rather responsible 12 year old)Word of warning: only leave when your child is asleep if you are certain they won’t freak out if they wake and find the sitter there, be sure you can get home quickly and easily.

22. Think big. I know I just said to think small but you’ve got to think big too.  If you never think big you’ll never do big things, right?  Give it a try, ask a friend to do a sitting swap with you and go out alone or with your partner.  If you have family near you (I don’t and never have since having children) and it works to have them babysit then ask them to.  Seek out people through various connections that would be willing to give you some time, build relationships as a family and ask family friends to babysit once in a while.  I know it’s hard to leave your babies but they will be fine, you’ve given them so much confidence and security already that they will have a good time and be happy when you return.  And you’ll be teaching them that people DO return.  It’s object permanence just on a little larger scale.  Get a massage, go for a bike ride or walk, hit the antique mall, go see a show, something, anything without a small person hanging on you.  After your little one is no longer breastfeeding at night or will do ok without it, consider even bigger plans with overnight getaways and trips.

It’s not all or nothing.  Find a combination of things that work for you and be willing to change things as needed.  Right now the only real exercise I get involves having kids with me, walks, the putting Smunchie to sleep work-out, living room dance parties, family bike rides, etc.  That’s just how it is in this season of our family’s life but by combining some of these other ideas I’m finding a balance that works.  Even as a breastfeeding, homeschooling mom of 5, or maybe especially as a breastfeeding, homeschooling mom of 5 I’ve had to make taking care of myself and my marriage a priority.  After about the 6 week postpartum mark I can find at least an hour every few days to leave my sweet new baby in the arms of someone that loves her (in our case, her daddy) in order for me take a deep cleansing breath away from the ones that depend on me to care for them.  It’s a breath of health.  Not everyone can make all of these work* and you’ll have to find what works for you, creatively shaping your own path to nurturing the nurturer.

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What works for you?  When you find time for yourself how do you see it impact your children?

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*I recognize that individual situations vary in terms of support and resources.  The Piano Man is very involved as a co-parent and we’re able to find balance this way but not every partner is as available and single parenting presents a different set of unique challenges.  It is my hope that we can all seek out community that would help us find the time to take care of the whole family, including the caregivers and providers.

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Filed Under: baby, dads, family, father, guilt, motherhood, postpartum

A Time To Heal- A look at postpartum recovery

December 22, 2010 By

This post was inspired by something I wrote a year ago to a friend feeling overwhelmed with life and the physical condition of her body just 3 weeks after giving birth.  I’ve changed a lot of it and added to it to apply to more women but the message is the same.

Laboring at home.

I often see or hear of women pushing themselves to return to normal as quickly as possible after birth.  In a hurry to get their life and body back they jump into a myriad of activities at warp speed, often just days after giving birth.  Riding on the birth and baby high, pumped full of adrenaline yet restless from the last few weeks of pregnancy, particularly if they felt like a watched pot, these women fill their schedule, attack their house, and find new projects determined to not be slowed down, impatiently trying to control and master this new version of normal.  These women are often viewed with admiration and awe and the media highlights celebrities that are back to their prepregnant weight by 6 weeks or were spotted out jogging at 3 weeks or were back on the set of their TV show at 10 days.  This is held up as the epitome of a strong woman, give birth, bounce back, conquer world.  After all, women in China squat in a rice field, push their baby out and throw them on their back then return to work, right?


It’s as though we’ve forgotten to celebrate.  We’ve forgotten how important it is to rest after a hard work and enjoy the fruit of our labors.  We’ve forgotten that while pregnancy and childbirth may not be an illness our bodies still need to recover from the taxing physical and emotional demands of the endeavor.  Pregnancy, labor and childbirth may be a normal part of life but it is anything but easy.  The change a woman’s body goes through are massive to say nothing of the emotional journey as well.  Ignoring this reality can have serious consequences for our bodies, our emotional health, our breastfeeding relationship with our baby, our mothering, and our families.  Do not underestimate the potential for damage if we neglect our postpartum healing.

Smunchie, 2 weeks.

 

I understand the temptation, the drive.  My pregnancies are difficult and I feel more alive after birth than I ever feel during the months of pregnancy so I can’t wait to get back to feeling well and being active.  Two weeks after giving birth to my first we moved and I returned to teaching private lessons and was leading worship at 3 weeks.  With my second I was performing at 6 days postpartum (dress rehearsal was at 5 days), my dress too tight in the chest thanks to being engorged and my baby in the green room with a friend where I’d run to nurse her between sets praying I wouldn’t soak through my breast pads.  With my 3rd baby I did nothing… for a week and then I was back cleaning my house, cooking and grocery shopping.  I actually had maternity leave that time and I took it, mostly.  The only reason I wasn’t out shopping, taking the older kids to the park and lessons was because we all got the flu when she was just 3 weeks old.  Almost 5 years later baby #4 was born and I still hadn’t learned my lesson, shopping at Baby’s R Us at 2 days postpartum, walking the mall at 2 weeks and attending births at 3 weeks and that was after experiencing uterine prolapse during the pushing stage.  In the 2 years between #4 and #5 I learned a lot, worked with a lot of women as a midwife student and doula, studied different cultures approach to birth and motherhood, talked to midwives and many mothers and came to realize that we were missing something vital.  Nearly a year ago with Smunchie I did nothing for almost 4 weeks and then tried to gradually ease into activity after that.  The biggest obstacle I encountered in trying to rest?  Not my children, not the house cleaning, not the cooking, not anything I was missing out on.  No, the biggest obstacle was the voice in my head and a tiny handful of other people (including the company that came to “help”) saying I couldn’t let this “keep me down,” I was strong and there was so much to do.  Stupid voices.


Dear pregnant women and recently postpartum women, I have a few things to say to you.  Please, please, please let yourself rest and recover, do not be impatient with this postpartum time.  You have gone through so much and now is the time to simply be with your baby.  You have not done a small thing, no.  This major organ and bag of muscles in your body grew quickly more than tripling in size in a few months. Your blood volume more than doubled. Demands were placed on your body and while it rose to the challenge this also depleted your resources. Organs shifted and were smashed.  If you had a vaginal birth your body worked to move your baby down and out, stretching, pulling, opening, applying 40-60 pounds of pressure as your uterus flexed it’s great strength to bring you your baby.  Parts of your body stretched and eased out a whole person, a small person but still, a person.  And maybe not that small.  Any tearing or swelling needs time to heal.  If you encountered interventions outside of your body’s own initiative then you have additional physical stress and possibly emotional stress to recover from as well.  For those that had a cesarean, you had major (as in, serious, muscle separating, invasive) surgery that removed a significant mass (baby, sorry) from your body causing significant blood loss, a shift of internal organs, and an incision that all require recovery and healing.  C-section surgery may be the most common surgery in our country but that doesn’t make it any less invasive and traumatizing on the body. C-sections don’t mean you get to completely skip out on postpartum recovery and “only” have to recover from surgery, no, you have both to do and this isn’t easy.  Some of you labored and had major abdominal surgery too.  However your baby was born you need rest and lots and lots of it.  Either way there is a large wound inside you where the placenta was attached, it needs rest to heal.  Days or weeks into your postpartum recovery you are healing from huge physical changes and giving birth, maybe surgery, tears, and more. There are major risks to not resting and not recovering well including anemia, uterine and pelvic prolapse, scaring, life-long incontinence, infection, incision rupture, muscle strain and much more.  Six weeks is a small amount of time to ensure you recover well.  Mothers recovering from a c-section, remember you had major surgery and you should be resting, REALLY resting for at least 8 weeks knowing that surgery can take even longer for full recovery.

My roses from The Piano Man after Smunchie’s birth and my baby hanging out.



The western world has placed unrealistic expectations and demands on new mothers during the postpartum period. We not only neglect them but we ask them to neglect themselves! I’m a firm believer that staying home, lounging in your PJs for 6 weeks with good food, real support, and helpers is the best way to set a new mother up for success. In cultures where this is practiced PPD rates are significantly lower, mothers report being happier and more confident and marriages are stronger. A woman’s partner sees that she has gone through a physically trans-formative experience and respects that more in her. I am a huge advocate of pregnancy and birth as normal, life events, not an illness but at the same time recognize that we must embrace the changes that this normal process brings our bodies with peace, rest, and gentleness for ourselves.

I know it’s hard, I know you’ve been stuck feeling crappy at the end of pregnancy for what feels like ages and it is hard not to be in a hurry to return to normal. There can be an itch to return to normal activity.  But here’s the reality check we rarely talk about: you have a new normal now.  Life will never go back completely the same, everything has changed.  Normal is now redefined. This new normal includes having been pregnant and giving birth, being a mother for the first time or having one (or 2 or 3) more children than you did before.  Busy before looks nothing like busy now.  Sleep is changed.  Instead of handbag you carry a diaper bag.  You don’t even pee the same way.  Your body is different.  Our culture tells us these things are the bad parts of becoming a mother but maybe they are actually the good parts.  I don’t know but what I do know is that at first it is just crazy overwhelming. Your postpartum time can help you ease into this new normal as much as possible. Pull out of your regular activities, they will be fine not having you for a few weeks I promise. You will too. Recognize that there will have to be a lot of flexibility because your baby simply isn’t going to be reading the same things you are. Just like with labor and birth take it one step, one minute at a time. Go easy on yourself and show yourself some grace.   Even if you have other children already you need this time and the truth is they do to.  Having things change drastically for them for a short time isn’t going to be the end of the world.  In our family, an almost no screen-time family, we watched lots of movies all day, played wii, ate in the living room, had a stack of library books, got some special toys we pulled out for this time and believe it or not, we didn’t explode.  It was fine and we moved back into our routine in time.  Embracing the changes you are all experiencing means giving room for them to happen.  And by the way, those celebrities you see, they have help, lots and lots of help.  Not to mention they’re not respecting themselves either by ignoring this time.

The Piano Man sitting with a jaundiced Smunchie in the sun while I napped, well, napped after I took this pic.


Now, I’m pulling out the mommy tone… you can ignore me if you like but I have to say it.

Put the car seat down. For that matter, put the keys down. You don’t have to be super mom. In fact, if you try you are likely to burn out and find yourself much worse off. Take it or leave it but I’m giving you permission to not wash your hair, not change your clothes, not leave the house, not wash a dish, not pick-up a toy and not do anything else than put a DVD on, sit on the couch with your precious baby and be the postpartum woman you actually are.  Stare into your baby’s eyes, stare at partner staring into your baby’s eyes. Close your eyes and take a nap when all three of you are tired of staring.  Focus on breastfeeding and getting your supply well established, take the time to get both you and your baby comfortable with breastfeeding.  Sip a glass of wine once in a while, take a long shower while someone else holds your baby, ask a friend paint your toe nails.  Have your husband bring food home, if you don’t care, let him pick, if you do care, call ahead and have the order placed and just let him know where to stop on his way home. Order extra so there are left-overs for tomorrow.  Ask him to help pick up around the house even while you just lay in bed or sit on the couch.  Yes, he’s tired, yes, he may be working a lot and dealing with the stress of sleep issues with a newborn in the house (maybe) but, sorry, you still have the trump card of 9 months of major body changes, the extreme workout of your uterus contracting and pushing our a baby or the muscles in your abdomen recently severed, pulled apart and opened and your baby extracted from your insides after which you were put back together but not completely. Put the car seat down. Oh, I said that earlier. Well, I mean it. Ask for help, friends, family, or hired help (postpartum doulas are great) and actually let them help.  You need rest and healing. Whatever that looks like. Who gives a flip if you take 6 weeks to do nothing?  Being truly rested and healed is worth the time.  You don’t have to be on house arrest the whole time by any stretch but after giving yourself a good 2-3 weeks staying in, ease yourself into the outings slowly and listen to your body and go home when it says it’s had enough and it’s time to rest.

Your body has ways to tell you when you’re not resting enough.  If you spot any of these in yourself it’s time to slow down.

Bright red bleeding- The first few days the lochia (postpartum discharge of blood, tissue, and mucus) is usually heavy and red but it tapers off to pink and mucusy and then brown.  When you see bright red after it has changed then you are doing too much.

Thirst- Change in blood volume, hormones, sweating, and breastfeeding make staying hydrated important.  If you’re thirsty then your body is telling you it’s dehydrated so please slow down and drink more and eat food rich in water.

Exhaustion- Being tired goes with having a new baby but if you’re exhausted you’re setting yourself up for a host of other problems including postpartum depression.  Sleep is important.  The old adage to nap when the baby naps isn’t just for fun, you really need to try to sleep every chance you can.

Baby Blues- It’s completely normal to have a wide range of emotions after having a baby and feeling a little blue isn’t uncommon.  However, when that feeling is stronger than just a bit of the blues or you find yourself battling overwhelming sadness, anxiety and stress, look and see if your schedule is too full.  Don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor about it if the blues turn into something much more oppressive.

Constipation- There are several causes for constipation including diet and fluid intake but did you know that if you’re not getting the rest you need and not taking the time to eat and drink well it can also contribute?  And after pregnancy and birth you want to keep things easy down there.

Trouble sleeping- Babies wake often to feed so sleep can be a little difficult to come by in the early days.  If you find yourself unable to sleep when you do actually have the chance it could be because you’re not getting enough rest and are overtired.  Activity can help with sleep to but don’t rush into anything, take your time and be well rested to avoid a vicious cycle.

Breastfeeding troubles- There is nothing like staying home for weeks, putting your feet up and making sure you and your baby get off to as good a start as possible.  This takes work, attention and sometimes perseverance.  The first week is particularly important, lay in bed, eat, drink, nurse, change diapers there, and get your supply established by feeding on demand. The dust bunnies can wait, someone else can do the dishes or use paper plates but this breastfeeding relationship is for the long haul and not something that you want to worry about fixing later.

Continued bleeding- Most women stop bleeding anywhere between 3-6 weeks postpartum.  I have seen with myself and with other women that the postpartum bleeding time can be greatly reduced by resting and for those that don’t rest it often extends, sometimes going much longer than 6 weeks.

Touched out- Babies like to be close which is great, we like to have them close too.  But sometimes you may wonder when was the last time someone wasn’t touching you.  If you start feeling touched out and overwhelmed with physical contact it may be time to let someone else hold your baby.  Your brain is signaling for you to take care of yourself and being fatigued will make you overly sensitive to stimulation.  Feed your baby and hand him/her off while you take a nap alone, shower or make a run to the coffee shop drive-through.

It wasn’t until my 5th baby that I finally rested postpartum.  Looking back I don’t regret taking that time at all and I wish I had respected myself and my babies more the 4 times prior.  Due to some health concerns with Smunchie it wasn’t exactly the restful period I had hoped for but it was significantly more so than it had ever been with my 4 older girls.  My bleeding time was 3 weeks, we stocked up on cuddles as a family, I was actually able to sleep even with a crazy breastfeeding and pumping schedule, and I felt great.  There were moments when I felt I should be doing something but nothing was left undone that either someone else couldn’t do or couldn’t wait for me to get around to it.  To combat feeling lazy and unproductive (sleep is productive though!) I did knit some and really enjoyed having my baby laying next to me while I knit her some sweet clothes.

Roses, baby and my knitting 1 week postpartum.



In all of my long-winded babbling my point is respect yourself, respect this time.  Hold onto it, fight for it, it will pass quickly and there are precious moments here.  Moments of healing, moments of growing, moments of developing, moments of transition, moments of deepening and moments of memory. The first six weeks or so pass in a blur as it is, slow down so you don’t miss them entirely. If you are too busy for those moments you will feel like you missed something and your body will not be in a place to help support the pace of life having a new baby now puts you.  There is no doubt you can do it but how you begin can make a huge difference in how you continue.  Rest for now, busy will always find you again later and your new normal will engulf you soon enough.

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Filed Under: birth, Breastfeeding, postpartum