Parenting | The Leaky B@@b

Will you allow me a proud mama moment?

March 26, 2013 By theleakyb@@b

Sometimes it seems like these days of breastfeeding, diaper changes, and needy babies are going to last forever. We fear losing ourselves in the blur of caring for our children. Counting diapers, checking ounces, charting milestones… every day becomes so full it doesn’t seem like this time will ever really end.

I always hate it when “they” say to hold on to this time, it goes so fast and the next thing you know you’ll be sad how fast they grew up. It never really helps me, just makes me question if I’m ungrateful and selfish to not savor the poop filled, constantly breastfeeding stage when I’m tired and worn out. And I have had moments where I’ve been convinced that my child would be the first child to actually still be breastfeeding when they go to college.

But you know what? ”They” are right. I have 6 children, 6 beautiful girls ages 11 months to 14 years old. I blinked, you know, blinked and I have a 14 year old. I could swear she was just a baby. And no, she’s not still breastfeeding.

“They” are totally right.

It goes so fast. Faster than saying can even convey. And it is so bittersweet. One day you feel stuck in a whirlwind of diapers and boobs and the next you’re helping them plan leaving for the summer. Or forever.

Over 14 years ago I was made a mother when The Piano Man and I had our eldest. Some days I look at her and remember the breastfeeding challenges I encountered with her and smile to think how far we’ve come and how distant that time feels. Yet how very close still. She helped mold and shape me to not only be the mother she needed but also to help form me to be the mother her little sisters would need and even set me on the path that led to starting The Leaky Boob. I have shared the breastfeeding journey she and I experienced together, why I breastfeed for her even today, shared some of her sexual abuse survivor story, and she’s even written for The Leaky Boob herself sharing her views on breastfeeding just before she turned 12. I am one proud mama.

We named her Ophélia Chantelle, which means little helper, little song but I call her Earth Baby here to give her a little bit of distance between her real life and what I share online. She’s not completely anonymous. With her permission I’ve shared her face, her name, and parts of her story. She follows The Leaky B@@b and Jessica The Leaky Boob and has seen conversations I’ve had and from time to time she will help make a post using my phone and taking dictation while I’m driving. Thanks to her questions and sharing her thoughts, I’ve been inspired for articles, status updates, and tweets. Her critical thinking has pushed me to reconsider my views on some topics and to open myself up to considering other perspectives. I am one proud mama.

Giving and full of love, she is a model big sister, making room in her life to play with her 5 little sisters in ways that are meaningful for them from building forts to playing peek-a-boo to going on walks to games of Battleship and climbing trees. Creativity exudes from her, she knits, bakes, draws, writes, and above all, dances. Her heart is big and she cares deeply not only for her family but friends and even strangers. Sharing meals with homeless members of our community, volunteering to help others with babysitting, donating her funds when she can, and even making the choice to prioritize fair-trade chocolate so the treats she enjoys don’t oppress another child. I am one proud mama.

She loves learning and is willing to take risks to pursue what she loves. An introvert, she is growing every day in understanding herself more and putting herself out there. Nothing brings that quite together like dance does and in just 3 years we’ve watched as she went from the girl turning 11 and begging for ballet lessons more than anything, even saying to us “I don’t care if I ever get an iPod, a cell phone, or a car, I just want to dance!” to today blooming into a young ballerina with opportunities to pursue her dreams. Bloodied feet and being behind most dancers her age have never deterred her, just spurred her to work harder until she caught up. This past January she pushed herself to a new level and attended auditions for summer ballet intensives with hundreds of other students, most of whom have been dancing at least twice if not three times as long as she has. It was scary but she did it. I am one proud mama.

It was worth it too. She got into most of the programs for which she auditioned. Consulting with her instructors and with The Piano Man and I, she narrowed down her choices to 2 programs. Before she was even sure of where she wanted to go she began baking, running an ongoing bake sale to raise the funds that would be required to attend these training programs. In a few weeks she raised enough to cover the registration to the two programs she selected. I am one proud mama.

So it is from that place that I share her efforts and invite you to hear from her as she works to reach her goal. Putting it all out there, she’s raising the funds to get to these summer ballet intensives to train further. Employing the help of her sisters and her father and me, she created a video and fundraising campaign to try and get the rest of the funds before the deadline. We had hoped for scholarships but that didn’t happen this time around and the costs involved simply are not in our budget, all the scrimping and saving couldn’t make it so. The sisters worked together to plan, film, and edit the video sharing Ophelia’s love for dance and her willingness to work hard for her dreams. I am one proud mama.

It’s not easy for her to ask for funds to reach these dreams, doing so is just one more indicator of how motivated she is to take risks and work hard towards her goals. A tenacity that will serve her well through out her life, I believe. Check out her fundraising campaign, it’s worth watching the video even if you’re not able to donate. I’m sharing this and I hope you watch it then share it too because I’m one proud mama.

From a needy little baby to an increasingly independent young woman, I am one proud mama. Thanks for letting me have a proud mama moment!

See her fundraiser here, every contribution, big or small, helps:

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Children and breastfeeding, family, Featured, Jessica, Parenting Tagged With: ballet, Breastfeeding, dance, fundraising, growing up, kids growing, Parenting, proud mama, summer dance intensives

The ever growing and adapting heart of a mother

February 14, 2013 By theleakyb@@b

I’m pleased to bring you this guest post from Kerry Gilmartin of Bamboobies about love and parenting. Kerry shares: “In the spirit of sharing some thoughts on love, hearts, families and motherhood I thought I’d share three stories on my mind these days I hope they strike a chord and enhance your day and your thoughts about relationships and growth… Valentine’s is full of silly love quotes, cards and flowers – hopefully yours is also filled with some reflection, expression and chocolate!”

Can our hearts grow?

When I first met my husband I had a dog – a very cute little dog. In all seriousness I confided in an old friend that I worried about this new man fitting into my life… I told her I just couldn’t imagine loving him as much as my dog.

(Please keep reading after you finish laughing and admiring my dog…)

My new fabulous boyfriend wasn’t super-human but he was ‘the one.’ The dog followed him everywhere; my parents, brother and best friends all adored him. I was just beginning to understand that I really did love him when I approached my friend for advice. I was *really* worried: how do I grow my love and life for him? How do I retain my sense of self and independence and my loyalty to other loved ones (like my dog)? How will I have enough love for him too?

I don’t so much bring this story up to embarrass myself as to illustrate how silly these feelings that I and many women feel when having a baby. I’m not much of a worrier but I did wonder how we could possibly grow to include, let alone envelop, a new baby in our lives. How could we or would we become a family after just being a couple (with a little dog)?

I’m now lucky enough to be married to my super-human, super-loving man and we have three children – and that adorable dog. I *do* admit that the dog doesn’t get the attention or privileges he used to, but I obviously found ways to grow my heart to include my new and growing family.

The dog is still trying to stay ‘in the picture!

And what about our husband or partner’s hearts?

Can we count on them being able to expand infinitely?

A friend recently confided – while giggling – that when she was pregnant with her first child she was very worried that some of her husband’s love would be taken from her in favor of the baby. She was happy that she knew her husband would be a loving father but worried that a new baby would mean she would lose some of his love. Of course these thoughts seem silly in retrospect – even strange.

Why would we think there’s a limit to a person’s capacity for love? Time is limited and surely we have to make an effort to communicate with and spend time with loved ones. It’s important to acknowledge the limitlessness of love though – it’s the one thing that I think knows no bounds.

The heart can grow and adapt to changing needs.

Whether you’re adding a new baby, new partner or relative, a long-lost friend, or even a dog.

A good friend’s father was taken to the hospital last week after fainting and doctors found that his arteries were extremely clogged. They decided that triple bypass surgery was needed – but they also found a strange condition in his heart itself. The arteries that feed it had multiplied on the side of the heart with cleaner outgoing arteries – it had adapted to grow on the healthier side!

Can this be a metaphor to help us understand our ever-changing lives as mothers? It’s normal for things to be out of balance when having a new baby – even if it’s not your first … and especially if it’s not your first. When we’re out of balance or struggling, can we and our love adapt?

There is a lot of talk about trying to maintain balance after you become a mother – Is this possible? How do we prioritize without guilt? I’ve decided the word “Balance” is a faulty goal to aspire to. A day doesn’t pass when I don’t feel guilty for not having done more, loved more, been more gentle or loving. But I accept that. It’s the new normal.

This pic doesn’t look ‘balanced’ physically or emotionally does it? I’m just doing my best…

I’ve decided to try to embrace being ‘in the thick of it’ and I feed what is calling out to be fed – my babies, my husband, my business, my self and my soul – on a whim almost. I play it by ear and try to adapt each day. When it doesn’t feel like its working I try to ask for help – “Help! Over here! Send more resources quick!” I ask for a nap, quiet time with one child, a hike or a date.

When we feel needy, it’s important to ask for more love, attention, backrubs and personal time. And to adapt to give it too! When we’re feeling overwhelmed by mothering, sickness, work, responsibilities and anxieties it’s important to acknowledge this to ourselves and our caretakers, parents, children and partners. It’s OK and accepting the challenge helps strengthen us.

Mothering is just one of our ways of loving – it includes loving our selves, partners and helpers, as well as our children. If we let our love flex and adapt to our changing lives, and make changes and choices we believe in we can accept and love ourselves as the best mothers we can be. And I think that’s pretty amazing. Go buy yourself some chocolate already!

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Can you relate to this? The anxiety of how you can have enough love for everyone? Struggling to balance everything and everyone you love and value? How has your heart grown and adapted to changing needs?

Perhaps most importantly, what chocolate do you prefer?

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Filed Under: guest posts, motherhood, Parenting Tagged With: adding to your family, balance, how to love, love, Parenting, valentine's day

Parenting and Flexibility and Boundaries- more than surviving

November 26, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

Sponsored post by Itti Bitti cloth diaper company, featuring 20% off all products for Black Friday/Cyber Monday weekend. Find a retailer near you or online here. Itti Bitti is also giving away 3 huge prize packs of over $200 value each for Leakies right now.

My eldest daughter can sleep sitting up, folded in half. With her flexibility, her stretching classes for ballet offer very little challenge and her instructors are regularly encouraging to explore her limits further to find where she is challenged. And so she does with oversplits and wall stretches and more. But with flexibility comes the safety of boundaries. A couple months ago Earth Baby injured her back by not respecting her own boundaries and in search of a challenge pushed her limits a little too far. The consequence was a back worn out and unable to maintain her usual level of dance. Rest and alternating heat/ice were prescribed along with arnica oil massages, baths, and very careful stretching. It took her young body about a week to heal to a point where she could begin dancing again and in ballet a week is a very long time. Particularly in the critical fall casting season.

Like Earth Baby, I have been growing in the areas of flexibility and boundaries, suffering consequences of putting one above the other along the way. Nothing has developed these more in me than parenting. Just as wanting to develop patience means more opportunities to practice patience, flexibility and boundaries become more tangible when we are aware of our need for them. Children act as a magnifying glass on that need.

With breastfeeding we start out feeding on demand, their itty bitty tummies no bigger than a small marble or chic pea, they need food when they need food. The relationship of milk supply and the infant suckling at the breast is so tied together that flexibility in being able to respond to our baby’s needs can have a critical impact on not only their immediate growth but future milk supply as well. Recognizing normal infant behavior, we are the ones in the position to be flexible in order to meet our new baby’s needs. But as time goes by, after that first year while flexibility is still important in our relationship with our child but lest we be pushed too far and become worn out, some boundaries may need to be put in place. With supply firmly established and many successful feeding sessions under the belt, a toddler can not only handle but benefit from appropriate boundaries in the breastfeeding relationship. Waiting a few minutes for mommy to finish the task she was working on when they wanted to breastfeed (such as dinner for the rest of the family, my toddlers always want to breastfeed when I’m making dinner), not permitting certain behaviors at the breast (pinching is a no go for me, I will not be pinched), or expecting a certain level of attention while at the breast (play time is play time, feeding time is feeding time, etc.) can not only save mommy’s sanity, it can begin to introduce boundaries as a part of a healthy, loving relationship. A lesson I struggled to understand until well into my adulthood.

Western culture seems to be a little polarized regarding flexibility and boundaries in parenting, emphasizing one over the other as either good or bad parenting. In my experience the truth is we need both, flexibility and boundaries. One without the other leads to either burn out or rigidity. As a parent, flexibility helps me not only get through the hiccups that inevitably happen to my plans with having children, but enables me to enjoy the detours I discover with them. With six children ages 7 months to 14 years, we all benefit from being able to go with the flow and adapting in order to be sure everyone’s needs are meet. Boundaries are so important with our children, by modeling boundaries for myself in my relationship with my child at a developmentally appropriate stage, I’m helping her establish her own boundaries. By being open and available to her with those boundaries in place, I have seen my children develop confidence that boundaries are a part of love and they are not insecure when they experience boundaries in other situations. WIth age appropriate boundaries, it also encourages me when I feel my flexibility is becoming brittle and I’m wearing down because I know that there is a new stage coming where they will be capable of respecting new boundaries.

At 4 years old, Squiggle Bug is learning a lot about respecting other people’s boundaries in her relationship with her littlest sister. A common phrase to hear in our house right now is “respect her boundaries please, does she need space?” Increasingly I don’t even have to ask the question and after loving on her little sister, hearing a bit of a fuss, Squiggle Bug will back away saying “space, here’s some space. I’m respecting your boundaries!” Nine year old Lollie has discovered the importance of retreating to her room when she needs to clear her head and find some quiet admits the regular flow of energetic chatter that fills our home. And I know that I’m better at being flexible the rest of the day if I ensure a 45 – 60 minute quiet time happens every day. Boundaries are the fuel for my flexibility.

But perhaps most important are the boundaries and flexibility we have for ourselves. In talking about boundaries and flexibility with my friend Sue, she shared: “Honestly, it was and is the most challenging thing to be flexible with myself, to give myself grace when I don’t measure up. Other people’s expectations I can usually blow off, what do they know about me, but allowing myself the ability to fail without completely eviscerating myself in my thoughts- that’s hard.” I can relate.

Sugarbaby in an itti bitti cloth diaper

After making the decision that we would cloth diaper I felt very strongly that we would never use a disposable diaper again. So when a trip that would be impossible to do with cloth came about I tried so hard to make it work. Flexibility to adjust as needed and boundaries about what I’d actually be able to do eventually won out but not without some self abuse that I wasn’t achieving my goals. When I realized that I was not behaving in a way i would want for my children I had to relax and accept this new, temporary reality by using flexibility to help me respect my own boundaries. Being flexible and adapting as the need arises is not a sign of failure or weakness, my family and I all benefit when I’m able to let myself adapt to respond to my children’s needs. Neither is having boundaries any kind of failure, respecting my needs gives my family and me opportunities to grow.

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Do you find the need for flexibility and boundaries? How does this impact your parenting? What examples of flexibility and boundaries have you experienced? Do you find it more more challenging to be flexible and have boundaries in relating with others, your children, or yourself?

How would you like to grow in these areas?

Filed Under: family, Featured, motherhood, Parenting, toddler Tagged With: adapting, boundaries, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding toddlers, flexibility, Itti Bitti, Parenting, parenting toddlers, surviving parenthood, Toddlers

Peace Path- A Road to Conflict Resolution

November 5, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

Whenever you get people together, conflict is inevitably bound to happen. More than one person in any space and chances are strong peacemaking ability and resolution skills will have the opportunity to be developed. In our house that’s multiplied by 8, giving all of us plenty of chances to develop these necessary relationship competency. The, uh… “opportunities” *cough* to practice these critical relationship cornerstones increases with major change such as moving, school changes, out of town company, sickness, or adding a baby. This last one can be particularly challenging.

So it has come to be that I have spent much time sitting on the couch, breastfeeding a new baby and acting as moderator. What does this have to do with breastfeeding? Nothing, really. But if you are breastfeeding you are having children and some day, if not today, those children are going to fight with someone, maybe even you. Perhaps my sharing this will spare you some of the ~~suffering~~ learning experiences I’ve had over the years.

I don’t know any parent that loves to hear their children fighting. Even if we recognize that conflict is inevitable and children need to learn how to work through things together, children fighting can be maddening and put even the most calm parent on edge. For years when my children would fight I would tell them to “work it out” or that if they couldn’t make peace together then I’d have to get involved and nobody would be happy. My involvement as a threat was probably not the most healthy option. Sometimes I’d threaten to force them to be together. Yes, I even tied their ankles together so they would “learn to cooperate and get along.” It worked to some extent, then they had a common enemy: me. Responding to their struggle with differences of opinion by forcing them to be together was a breeding ground for resentment even if it did momentarily lead to them “getting along” just so they could escape each other sooner. More importantly though, my efforts were self-centered: I wanted them to stop fighting for me, because I didn’t want to hear the conflict. Being motivated by my own desires to have a peaceful home meant I was missing a crucial opportunity to help my children learn how to use communication skills they would need later in life.

In my defense but not as an excuse, it was particularly challenging for me to seize that opportunity or even to recognize it for one very important reason: I didn’t really posses those skills myself.

As a mother I’ve learned and developed many skills because my children needed me to. Or perhaps more accurately, in the process of trying to help my children learn and develop many skills, I have learned a lot about myself and developed those same skills. Admittedly at times it has been more challenging for me than for them as I unlearn some unhealthy behavior patterns. There is no doubt in my mind that my children have greatly pushed me to be a better person. Conflict resolution and communication strategies that I previously did not posses I now have had numerous opportunities to not only learn and assist my children in putting into practice but can competently employ myself. Sometimes. I’m still working on it. Better late than never.

Today if you visited our home it is likely you would hear something about the “peace path” or even be invited to participate in one with a member of our family. Children from as young as 3 know how to walk the peace path if required, providing us all tools to work through conflict, grow in our communication, promote active listening, and develop personal responsibility in creating solutions that work for everyone. The Piano Man and I have walked the path with our children and even my mom was invited to walk the peace path with one of our daughters when she was visiting.

It was a Montessori teacher that taught us the Peace Path some years ago and we use it often though less and less as the girls develop the skills needed for healthy conflict management on their own. Here’s how we do it.

Peace Path- A Road to Conflict Resolution

Involved:

Two parties in conflict

One moderator (objective and not involved in the conflict- often a parent but it can be another sibling or peer)

Anyone can call for the peace path, even someone not involved in the actual conflict but affected by the conflict (i.e. parent sick and tired of hearing children fight). Nobody should be forced to participate but the goal of a healthy and restored relationship made a priority. In our home if one member is unwilling to participate in the Peace Path but the point of conflict is such that some intervention is required the individual refusing to actively seek resolution potentially forfeits their voice in the resolution outcome. The idea being that if you want a say in how things turn out then you have to do the work, demands are not a part of healthy relationships but rather it is a cooperative effort.

There is a physical element to the Peace Path, particularly important for younger participants. This physical piece helps develop healthy nonverbal communication such as looking someone in the eyes, body language that reflects attention, etc. Realistic expectations appropriate for a child’s personal ability to engage according to their development is essential for the peace path to work well. The parties start 3 large paces from each other, facing each other. Along the Peace Path, each party takes a step towards each other for each step of the path. The path is concluded when they shake hands and agree to the solution in step 3.

The Path

Step 1:

If the Peace Path was called by someone engaged in the conflict that person goes first. If it was called by someone outside of the conflict, the moderator selects who goes first.

Party #1 states what they see as they conflict or problem (moderator may help clarify the conflict, summarizing it in 1 sentence if it becomes a tale of a series of events- conflict resolution is more effective with phrases such as “when you did… I felt…” or “the problem is that he has a toy that I want and he won’t share.”)

Party #2 repeats what party #1 stated as conflict, demonstrating that they heard and understand the conflict as #1 stated it. At this point they are not permitted to say they agree or disagree or argue that this is or isn’t the conflict.

Moderator asks if #2 agrees that this is the conflict. #2 may or may not agree. If they do agree that this is the conflict then move on to step 2. If they do not agree, repeat step 1 letting party #2 state what they see is the conflict. If there are 2 different conflicts presented, agree which one will be addressed 1st and do the peace path for the different conflicts. Often the 2nd conflict is actually resolved during the 1st conflict peace path. Both parties must agree on the conflict before moving on to step 2 even if it requires repeating step 1 multiple times.

Step 2:

After taking a step forward, the moderator asks #1 to propose a solution. (Moderator may need to help young travelers with this step and may intervene if parties agree to an unreasonable solution.) Moderator asks #2 to repeat the solution #1 proposed.

Following party #1′s proposal, moderator asks if this solution is acceptable to #2. If it is, the parties move on to step 3. If it is not, the moderator asks #2 to propose an alternate solution. Both parties must agree on the solution. If this step is taking a while the moderator can interject a solution proposal combining elements from the solutions both parties proposed. Young travelers may have difficult seeing beyond what they want to have happen in this step and moderator intervention can help bring the 2 together. More mature travelers often can see how what they initial proposed is only looking out for themselves and having truly heard their fellow traveler on the path will find more of a compromise that meets both their needs.

Step 3:

Facing each other the two parties shake hands (or hug) and agree to enact the solution immediately. The moderator reminds the 2 parties that failure to follow through on the agreed solution could result in a return to the Peace Path. This ends the Peace Path.

This method of conflict resolution works for adults too though obviously modified as adults don’t need the physical element and hopefully no moderator required. However, when there is conflict between an adult and a child, modeling this complete with the physical expression communicates great respect. I have even called the Peace Path a time or two between my children and myself when I was exahausted by the conflict between them, particularly if it has been a repetative issue. Our children have always appreciated us engaging fully in the Peace Path with them and some of the sweetest moments in our relationships with our daughters have come from making this journey with them. The basic principles are the same for conflict resolution though and can be a helpful tool to work through for anyone.

The Peace Path can be time consuming and sometimes I really don’t want to assist my children in walking it. I have to fight the desire to yell at them to knock it off, dismiss their conflict as ridiculous, and demand that they all learn to just get along. But then I’d be sacrificing the opportunity to help them develop these skills and risk setting them down an unhealthy path of conflict management while neglecting my own development. At least we are on this journey together.

Filed Under: family, Featured, Jessica, Parenting Tagged With: communication skills for children, conflict resolution, family peace, fighting children, montessori, Parenting, peace path, sibling rivalry, sisters

There is No “ME” in UterUS: A Tale of Uterine Envy

May 2, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

by Jamie Grayson

There are many reasons I’m jealous of women.

You can wear more clothing that shows skin in the summer and it’s still appropriate.

As long as you don’t look like a damn clown, you’re able to wear makeup to cover blemishes.

You can blame mood swings on an “Aunt Flo.”. Who the hell is she? Why don’t I have one and why doesnt she send me birthday cards???

You can carry a child.

The other day I was on a train and a pregnant lady sat across from me. She was wearing a skirt and tank top, so she looked like many other pregnant women I see on the train. As a matter of fact, she looked like many men I see on the subway. It’s New York. Expect the unexpected. But then, she changed.

She moved her hands over her stomach and immediately started glowing. I shit you not. It was as if a connection had been made that no science or religion could argue about.

She is a mother.

I sat on that train trying not to cry. Sometimes I get emotional while working with clients. The first time I see a new baby I’m usually a wreck. But that’s ok in that situation. Crying on the subway, not so much. It has been a nutty few months and I’m just a little bit more susceptible to my feelings right now.

I realized a long time ago that I physically couldn’t carry a child. I know, it’s a shocker. I feel completely blessed to be able to work with and around expectant and new parents daily. The greatest honor of my life was being able to spend six months in Minneapolis with my family and those two nuggets I’m obsessed with, as well as being my sister’s labor doula. It was life-changing.

When female friends complain about something, I often respond with: ”Yeah. But I can’t get pregnant.”

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I mean every single word.

I know women have to deal with many things I’ll never understand: training bras, heels, haircuts that cost too much, highlights, menopause…the list could go on and on. However, you’ve also the ultimate blessing: you can carry life.

I know all women cannot do this, and my heart goes out to them. That’s a topic that deserves an entire post on another site.

This goes out to the guys.

I’ve not met many guys who feel this way, so I definitely feel as if I’m in the minority. Most guys I work with or meet are actually ecstatic that they’ll never be pregnant. I honestly cannot say I blame them for feeling that way, but I’m wired differently. I dont know when these feelings started. Was it the birth education center? Maybe. Was it working with my clients? Mayhaps. I do know that one item I hold near and dear is a video of my sister, Jennifer, and I walking into the delivery room after my sister Olivia was born. I remember sitting outside and hearing her cries for the first time. Walking in that room blew my mind. What my 16 year-old brain could only understand as something growing inside my mom was now here. I could touch her and hold her and hug her. For sixteen years she has constantly amazed/bewildered/aggravated/enraged/enlightened me. She’s my rat girl (long story) and always will be Sixteen years later I’m amazed at what she’s become, and thrilled by what my youngest sister, Elizabeth, continues to be.

I’m starting to ramble.

I’ll never know what it’s like to be that connected to a life. I’ll never know what it’s like to feel someone kick me from inside. My loins will never produce my offspring. Women always complain about “the curse of Eve.”

What about the Curse of Adam??

Jamie Grayson, known as TheBabyGuyNYC, is a nationally-recognized baby gear expert and baby planner, and has been featured on Martha Stewart, Today Show, and several regional news programs. Traveling the country speaking at expectant parent events and product launches, writing forStrollerTraffic.com as well as other media outlets, and working with expectant families takes up most of his time–although he still makes time for a movie and a cocktail on occasion. Questions? He’s always available on Facebook or Twitter.

Filed Under: baby, birth, Featured, guest posts, Parenting, Pregnancy Tagged With: Baby, birth, childbirth, families, men, Parenting, pregnancy, uterus

Breastfeeding: a Piece of the Larger Puzzle

April 30, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

by Christie Haskell

image credit: flickr user ned the head

I’m sitting outside, laptop on a picnic table, watching my almost-3 year old daughter run around, play in dirt, draw on the patio with chalk and talking to the neighbor girls through the fence. Little things that seem menial mean so much to her. A robin landing on the ground to eat fallen crabapples fascinates her, and has created a whole interest in birds, of which she can now identify many. Childhood, the large and small parts, is so important for the framework that determines who our kids become as adults.

We let them play in dirt because it’s not harmful, it’s fun, and we know it’s good for their immune systems.

We let them explore as much as we can so they can learn about their environment, but still pull them back before they can do something that would really injure them so they can learn to explore, but safely.

We allow them treats because life is supposed to be about enjoyment, and a popsicle on a hot day is one of those things that makes childhood wonderful, but we also give them healthy meals because it’s important for their bodies to grow strong, their immune systems to function and for their lives.

I think it’s fair to say all of those things are true, yes? But it’s funny to me, because when discussions about certainly parenting choices arise, it’s inevitable that at some point, someone will say something like:

“In fifteen years, if you walked into their classroom, you would have no idea who was breastfed and who wasn’t.”

That’s true, of course. I can’t look around at teens and say, “Yup, nursed. Not nursed. Supplemented for two months.” No way. It’s not like breastfeeding or formula feeding creates purple kids and orange kids. However, it’s the sentiment behind it – that your choices when they’re children don’t matter – that is inherently flawed. Just like the examples I gave above, we know that the things we do for our children whether they’re newborns, toddlers, in elementary school or teenagers has an effect on them in the future. If it didn’t, why would we bother?

Some people eat junk food and stay thin and don’t have vitamin deficiencies, but that’s certainly not something you count on. We are safe to assume that a child is going to be healthier, stronger, grow to a better potential and even do better in school when they have a breakfast of eggs anf fresh fruit than a bowl of Cocoa Puffs every morning, or a dinner of baked eggplant parmesan instead of McDonald’s. In fact, it’s not just safe to assume, it’s kind of common knowledge and no one in their right mind would argue that the child eating unhealthily is better off than the other child, or that it would have no affect on the child’s future health or day-to-day function.

image credit: flickr user clogsilk

So, why when the discussion turns around to breastfeeding, is this truth, that their diet and bodies affect them both at the moment and long-term, suddenly dismissed?

No, I can’t walk into a high school classroom and tell you who is breastfed or who was formula fed or any combination of the two. I would never presume to be able to. However, what is true is that if you broke the children up into groups, of those with illnesses, allergies, those who were overweight or missed school often from weaker immune systems, you’re likely to find some similarities there.

I’m not saying the healthy kids would all be breastfed, not at all. I’m saying that you’re more likely to find that the healthier groups have families who eat healthy, are more active, and yes, ALSO that the children were more likely to be breastfed. I’m sure you’d find some exclusively formula-fed children whose families eat healthy there as well, because we all know it’s not just breastfeeding or just diet or just genetics, but a combination of everything, a bunch of little puzzle pieces that make up the whole picture that is your child.

We accept that there are certain ways to raise children that promote health more than others, and breastfeeding is no exception to that.

No, again, I can’t walk into a classroom and single out the breastfed children, however that may be the puzzle piece that makes the difference between which group of children your child stands in. When you put together a puzzle, you work hard to put every single piece in the right place. You wouldn’t get rid of some of the pieces that are harder to fit, because who knows if that one piece is actually a very important part of the final picture? Children are just the same – we can’t claim on one hand that healthy diets for children create healthy habits and healthy adults, and on the other hand say it doesn’t matter if you breastfeed because no one will be able to tell.

It’s not what people can see from the outside that matters anyway – I also couldn’t walk in and tell you which child has been raised as a homophobe or which one kicks his dog when he’s mad. Each puzzle piece that makes up your child is unique, is important, and deserves your best effort to put in the right spot so the final picture is as healthy, as happy, and as good as you can possibly make it.

Christie Haskell is a writer, coffee addict, and mother to two adorable, hilarious and exhausting children. She has written for CafeMom’s The Stir, Daily Momtra, Attachment Parenting International and Brio Birth, where she currently now tells other writers what to do as well. She’s a huge car seat advocate after her own traumatic accident as a teen, and babbles endlessly about babies, birth, breastfeeding, boycotting (Nestle) and other crunchy things that don’t start with a P. Find her on Facebook here.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, family, Featured, guest posts, Parenting Tagged With: Breastfeeding, children, family, health, kids, Parenting, Toddlers

Up close and personal: Leakies Q & A on TLB, personal, and “other”

April 11, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

This is the last of what could have been called “more than you ever really wanted to know about me.” I responded to your questions about pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding here and family, children, and work here. In this post I answer some of your questions about The Leaky Boob, more personal questions, and the proverbial “other.”

Photography by Kelli Elizabeth Photography in Houston, TX

TLB, personal, and “Other”

Q: How do you eliminate negativity in your life?

When I figure that out I’ll let you know.

Ok, that was a major copout answer. I don’t eliminate it. I’m an artist by nature, it’s a huge part of who I am and how I see the world. I am prone to times of depression, part of the ebb and flow of life and a crucial part of the creative process. For a long time I denied and suppressed that part of me but after one particularly difficult time with postpartum depression I’ve learned to embrace it. By accepting negativity, including my own, for what it is when it arises I’m more equipped to leave it and not let it effect me. Too much. I have found that acknowledging it has made me see that there isn’t as much as I once thought. Additionally I have learned to recognize it, identify the source, call it what it is, and if need be put boundaries in place.

Q: What inspired you to begin TLB?

You can read about that here.

Q: Tell us more about your faith – where do you go to church and can you tell us anything about your plans for Paris?

I am a protestant Christian with a huge passion for social justice and mercy ministry. We attend a local Vineyard church and consider ourselves Christ-followers, not affiliated with a denomination. Our plans for Paris have been delayed a few months due to the pregnancy (we’re already supposed to be there) but we are in non-profit arts, family, and social justice work. Tentatively the plan is for us to be in Paris come late this summer.

Q: What particular challenges did you face as a busy mom and writer? And what tips/tricks/advice helped you overcome those challenges?

Sleep. Sleep is always my biggest challenge. I’m a night owl but several of my kids are early risers. When I’m not pregnant I overcome that with coffee. When I’m pregnant, I fall asleep on the couch. Often.

What works for me is to be honest with myself and with The Piano Man about what I need and I expect the same from him. I grew up seeing us kids as the center of my mom’s world and while that was really nice, it also made me feel responsible in the long run for her having a center of her world. By the time I was a preteen I desperately wanted her to do something, ANYTHING, that was for herself and pursuing her own interests. As a young adult I vowed not to have kids because I watched my mom flounder. Not to mention the shock when the rest of the world wouldn’t let me be the center of their attention until I proved I deserved it. There was quite the adjustment for me there. So I’ve always made it a priority to have my kids see me into other activities that don’t involve them and I encourage them to pursue interests that don’t involve me all the while coming back to our center in our home. It’s like a base, not a focal point, and where I’m grounded. It’s where we regroup and energize, not what defines us.

Meal plans, not every day but for several of our busiest days a week help but still afford us the flexibility we enjoy in our cooking. Enlisting the kids to help with housework and accepting that it may not always be done to my standards teaches them responsibility and life skills and helping around the house. We require a quiet time for all of us to get some space from each other and actively work on our own projects be it writing, knitting, coloring, napping, etc. Insisting that the girls play outside and me joining them there on a blanket with my work to keep an eye on them as they have free play. They are regularly actively engaged in healthy play and having a rough schedule or rhythm that doesn’t control our lives but does provide a framework to stretch our canvas in order to live it really helps. But most importantly, lightening up. Relaxing. Deciding what’s really important and learning to accept a certain amount of chaos.

Typical day? Different every time! But I promise we do eat, sleep, play, work, and love like crazy.

Q: What is the most rewarding thing you have experienced as a mother?

I’m really not sure I could narrow it down to one thing but I can say that seeing my daughters grow in independence, confidence, and with character I’m pleased to see developing, I feel the most encouraged in my parenting. But there’s also just those moments of little arms flung around my neck, squeezing tight that feel incredibly rewarding, even more so because that’s not at all how they are thinking of it, they’re just expressing their genuine feelings.

Q: What’s your go-to-dinner? How do you take your coffee?

Go-to dinner: beans and rice with a salad.

Coffee: when I’m not pregnant I either like it with cream and sugar or a strong espresso, black. Always fair trade.

Q: Do you have siblings? What is your relationship with your parents? Where did you grow up? How do you balance your work and your family? How are you so freaking awesome?!

I do have siblings, an older brother and a younger sister. That’s right, I’m the middle child. Bum-bum-BUUUUUUUM! I live too far from my family and don’t do as good of a job as I’d like keeping in touch and staying connected. My relationship with my parents is constantly changing. It’s a good reminder that we’re all still growing. There is a lot of love and though we don’t always see eye-to-eye, there is a lot of effort put into understanding and accepting our differences. I grew up in Florida (Yankee South), born and reared there. As to how I balance work and family, it’s a constant adjusting. Just when I think I have it all worked out, something shifts and we have to reevaluate and re-tweak. The key for us is to be flexible and maintain communication so we can adjust where and when necessary. As for the awesome thing, my family could fill you in that I’m not so awesome.

Q: Besides the amazing benefits of bfing for mom and baby, what compelled you to be such a huge advocate for bfing? Was there one specific person/event that made you realize this to be a passion of yours? What are some other things that define you as a person beside family and lactivism?

Believe it or not, it wasn’t about breastfeeding to me really when I started it. It was about women, children, and families. It still is. Breastfeeding is just a piece of it, a piece I can talk about and facilitate a community where others can engage in a safe dialogue about breastfeeding… and more. As for what are other things that define me, you can find more of those in some of the other answers to the questions here. I’m passionate about so much!

Q: How did you got into knitting!!

Bed rest with #2! Took me like 7 years to knit one scarf. Then Earth Baby started knitting in school and I helped her with a project and realized I loved it and it just took off.

Q: What are you other passions besides all things breastfeeding, mothering, and blogging….?

The arts in general. I’m very involved in the arts, went to school for music performance and also have a love for visual arts, theater, and the written word. Helping people connect with the arts, use the arts, express themselves through the arts is a passion of mine. Building up and encouraging artists is another. Challenging artists to use their voice to help tell the stories of others, particularly the oppressed, is a big part of my life.

Social justice, specifically related to human trafficking is my heart of hearts though. It’s what fires me up like no other and is what breaks my heart over and over again.

I’m also passionate about birth, building up women and girls, and sexual abuse issues.

On the lighter side, I love to read, knit, dance, ride bikes, sew, paint, and more.

Q: What inspired you to become such a passionate breastfeeding advocate? What were your thoughts and opinions on breastfeeding before you had children? And while i have your attention thank you for what you started. I would not be sitting here nursing my lo if i hadn’t joined your page shortly before becoming pregnant

Congrats on your breastfeeding! So grateful TLB could be a part of that journey with you.

I figured I’d always breastfeed. I remember being weirded out by a friend’s mom breastfeeding when I was a teen but when I voiced that thought to my mom I promptly got put in my place about how breastfeeding is normal and I better never forget it as I was breastfed until I was 2.5. Though uncomfortable a bit with the idea when my turn came, I did feel it was the normal way to feed a baby so I got over it.

Q: When was the last time you peed in private in your own home? Cause, idk about you but I usually have a parade follow me into the bathroom followed by a play-by-play commentary…lol

Recently, actually. They entertain each other so well lately that going with mommy to the potty the 25 times a day she goes has gotten boring. The real challenge for me is to not have to yell something while I’m on the toilet: “wait, what are we climbing? I don’t think so, don’t climb the doll stroller to get on top of the shelves! I can get the toy, just let me finish peeing!”

Q: Are you Canadian?

Nope, never even been there. I do plan to rectify that some day. As my friend Cindy would say, I only wish I was that cool!

Q: Are you able to keep up with everything else, like cleaning, paying bills, friends, etc.? Or are you like me with a dirty house, stacks of paperwork, and little time for friends?

Like you! I make time for friends though, it’s crucial to my personal health.

Q: Are you making money doing this, I noticed you advertise. Which is fine, just wondering! And if you become rich from this, can you promise not to change? : )

I do get money from the sponsors but not anything I’m going to be getting rich with any time soon! But I won’t change, the DNA of TLB is pretty set, I like what it is and want to keep it going. I have a pretty big vision for TLB, one step at a time but at the heart, it’s going to stay what it is.

Q: I don’t have a question, but many of the above questions have been running through my mind since reading your posts! I’m excited to hear your answers. There’s much to admire about you … especially that you’re raising such an obviously loving family but are also able to keep your art alive. I guess I do have a question: how do you find the time for your art pieces?

It’s slowed down some during the pregnancy though I picked up my brushes the other day to work on a family piece I’ve been conceptualizing. I find time by letting other things go. Involving my children helps too, they love to get set up with paints, brushes, paper or canvas, etc. They do their work while I do mine. It’s more clean up later but clean up I enjoy because the time spent creating together feeds my soul.

Q: I know you were a coffee drinker while bf are you while pregnant?

More like a coffee puker while pregnant.

Q: You inspire many women, what inspires you?

All of the Leakies! And my children. And beautiful art. And seeing things that I feel need to change.

Filed Under: Jessica, Parenting, The Leaky Boob Tagged With: blogging, meal planning, moms, motherhood, mothering, Parenting, The Leaky B@@b, The Leaky Boob, working mom

Up close and personal: Leakies Q & A on family, children, and work

April 11, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

Continuing with answering personal questions from the Leakies from way back in November (it took me a while to get through them!), I share here some of my answers regarding our family lives. I could answer some but not all out of respect for my family, besides, I can’t imagine anyone really wants to know that much about me!

Photo by Click. Wind. Repeat in Houston, TX

Family, children, work

Q: How did you and your hubby meet?

I like this story. We were music majors in college and in the same music group. I had noticed him and he had noticed me but we had never talked until one night in the music building practice studios. Our practice rooms were right next to each other and as I struggled through a Bach piece a loud, an impressive display of Rachmaninov was shredding through the paper thin walls blowing me away. Annoyed I went to see who dared to be better than me. Just as I was peeking into the tiny window I heard the door to my room click and realized I had left my key in the room and was locked out. Around that same time my best friend came out of his practice room and we talked about the show off between us, who, as it turned out, was lived on the same floor that my friend was RA for. He must have sensed something because he interrupted the hot guy at the piano to introduce us. My friend moved on but the future Piano Man and I talked for hours, he kept me company as I waited to be let back into my practice room. Within a few weeks he was the student accompanist for my voice lessons and the rest, as they say, was history.

Q: I’d like to know how you afford 6 children. I love the idea of a larger family but I’m stressing about how we’re even gonna be able to have another baby and make a grand total of TWO children right now. Does The Piano Man have a great job or something?

Financially speaking, no, he doesn’t and neither do I though we both love what we do. But we used to. Once upon a time we both worked full time and were fairly well paid. We had less kids then too. One thing we learned though is that depending on how you live, it can feel like you never have enough. We have chosen to live simply, a decision that was helped by us both losing our decent paying jobs within a month of each other a few years ago and following the sexual abuse and court case of two of our daughters. Personally I don’t believe that anyone ever makes enough money to have a family and it’s never a good time, too many things in life are unpredictable and in a flash anyone’s status is subject to change. Instead, we determined our family size on what felt right for us and then set about making it work. These days we are very lower middle class and would qualify for all of the aid programs should we choose to utilize them. Our expectations have changed and we’re pretty creative in figuring out how to afford things, assuming we actually need those things in the first place, which often we don’t.

Q: How old are you and your children?

I am 34 and our girls are 2, 4, 9, 11 and 13.

Q: I was wondering if you are a SAHM plus the blogging and this facebook page or if you have another job as well?

I am a work at home mom for the most part. I do have another job outside of TLB, most of which I can do from home which gives me a lot of flexibility. The same is true for The Piano Man. We work together and love doing so and choose to live with less and having simpler lives to do work we love (in the non-profit sector), are passionate about, can share, and affords us more time with our family. Having been in the fast paced world of music performance and production environment I sometimes miss that stimulation but I’m much happier finding this more simple balance for our lives. We have both been the SAHP at some point and find that us both working, flex-scheduling, and equal share of the parental/work responsibilities work best for our marriage and family.

Q: The origin of your daughter’s names and any possible names for Sugarbaby?

All of our girls real names are taken directly from the arts, so far, all from literature. The 3 eldest are from Shakespeare plays, then we have one from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s epic poem “Evangeline,” and our last one comes from Victor Hugo’s Les Miserable. A few requirements for our names: must work in both French and English (bilingual family, The Piano Man is from France), must not be in the top 1000 recently (or ever if possible), must not know anyone or know of anyone with the name, must have a meaning that we want for our children, and must appeal to both The Piano Man and me. Sugarbaby names are being tossed around and we think we have one fairly firm. However, we’re top secret about our names, they will not be revealed until the birth.

So we have:

Ophélia Chantelle- little helper, little song (Shakespeare’s Hamlet)

Lavinia Celeste Bailey- pure beauty of heaven or lady of Rome and heavenly (Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus)

Helena Christelle- light of little Christ (Shakespeare’s A Midsummer’s Night Dream)

Evangeline Claire- clear good news (William Wadsworth Longfellow’s epic poem Evangeline)

Cosette Marguarite Constance- constant flower, song of the victorious people (Victor Hugo’s Les Miserable)

Q: How did you come up with the nicknames for your children?

You can read about that here.

Q: Did you always want a big family our did it just happen that way? Do you or dh come from large families? Was your extended senility always supportive of bf?

I wasn’t sure I wanted children at all. But then I had Earth Baby when I was 20 and I was then certain I didn’t want more than one. Ha! Over time and after getting over the shock of having unplanned #2, obviously that plan changed. I’m one of three, The Piano Man is one of four. For the most part, yes, our extended families have been supportive of breastfeeding, with a few exceptions. However, our nearest relative is 1800 miles away so it doesn’t really effect me if they’re not, we only see them occasionally.

Q: How do your family planning? Do you just let it happen when it happens? Use birth control?

We have used a variety of contraceptions over the years. A couple of our children weren’t planned but very welcomed. We are done now though, Sugarbaby was a surprise that we’re very grateful for happening outside of our plans. It’s snip-snip here for us, all done.

Q: How you space children & whether or not the spacing has any impact on their relationships with each other.

Our spacing wasn’t exactly intentional. We just let it happen how it happened though we thought we were preventing some of them. The spacing does impact their relationships with each other but I have noticed that they are pretty tight no matter the distance. Certain things seem easier/harder depending on the spacing and hands down having an almost 5 year gap between babies was the least stressful on me physically. There are advantageous either way I think.

Q: Have you ever received any negative comments about having so many kids and if so, how do you respond to them?

Yes, we have received a lot of negative comments. Interestingly enough, we had more with Smunchie than we have with Sugarbaby. Maybe because they figure we’re aiming for 20 now? Not sure.

As to how I respond, I usually just ignore it and call the person names in my head. Or if they are super rude about it I just go for rude right back and bring out the snark. My favorite is asking them if their mom taught them anything about manners and being rude. It usually shuts them up.

Q: How do you make time for all of your children? It seems my 2 keep me busy nonstop.

Time is a strange thing, we only have enough for what we have to have it for. We all share each other. My house is usually a disaster because I could choose between cleaning or experiencing life with my kids. I pick living with the mess and having time with my kids. We date each other too, all of us. The girls love having sister dates, mommy dates, daddy dates, etc. We’re creative about those, it could be cooking together in the kitchen, painting, playing duets on the piano, going for a walk, a trip to get ice cream, etc. Whatever form it takes, we seek to do it often. More often than dusting for sure. Though I count dusting together to be some serious quality time.

Q: How do you mother 5, be pregnant, run a support group and blog… and still have time for everything in between!?!

I don’t clean my house! Haha! No, really. At least not more than the bare minimum. But again, time tends to be available for what you decide you really need to do. I am a night owl and I often stay up too late. It’s worth it to me to be able to squeeze those extras in to my life and having a balance that works for me is critical to my overall wellbeing and health as a mother. Finding time to nurture myself makes me a better mom and these extras do nourish my soul.

Q: I want to pull my hair out most days with my 2. How do you keep your sanity?

Um… I don’t. Really, I’ve just learned to redefine much of life: sanity, clean, happy, enough, time, balance…

It gets easier as they get older too. Difficult in it’s own way (schedules!) but easier in terms of taking care of the kids. They are more independent, can help, and don’t require as much supervision. Usually. It helps that I really love the people I see them becoming.

Q: Do your kids go to school or do u home school? If so, what do you use to teach them, is it structured? Also, what is your typical day like?

Yes and yes. We used to homeschool completely and then a few years ago added in a homeschool program once a week. This year we went for an entirely different arrangement more customized to each child. Earth Baby (13) is primarily homeschooled, attending a homeschool university modeled program once a week. The Piano Man and I work with her on the other days. The Storyteller (11) and Lolie (9) both attend a local Waldorf initiative school but only 3 days a week which is the perfect set up for our family. The other 2 days a week they are home we continue with a few subjects we wanted to teach (French, piano, world history, geography, and some math). Squiggle Bug is only 4 and attends the same Waldorf initiative school 2 days a week. Our pedagogical approach is relaxed, Waldorf and unschooling inspired. We use a variety of materials, none of them very structured, all very hands on. Often we follow our children’s lead as we’ve found what naturally interests or inspires them leads to an insatiable appetite for learning.

Q: I have 4 children and I a sahm and I’m very curious about ways to cut corners but stay healthy. My twin pregnancy put a lot of weight on me and I’d like tips on how to lose weight and exercise with being the stay at home mom of a large family with small children.

Being realistic about our budget and how our budget needed to reflect our priorities has been an important part of this for us. We don’t have cable, don’t have a new TV (we have a clunky outdated thing), shop at thrift stores for household items and most clothing, and buy almost no prepared, prepackaged food items. The bulk of our food budget goes to fresh fruits and veggies, we make most of our own bread, and we try to only do whole grains. We’re not huge meat eaters, only about 1-3 times a week, which helps keep cost down too. But we’re not the epitome of health, we have our splurges and vices to be sure. Additionally we have a growing value on human rights and fair labor practices and have made a decision to not consume coffee or chocolate that can’t show that child labor was not used at any point in the production of those products. This value cuts down a lot of our spending and encourages healthier habits simply because we can’t afford to eat a lot of Fair Trade goods. Less is more. For exercise I try to wear my babies as much as possible, go for walks with the kids, and do wii fit while babywearing if possible.

Q: Why is there such a big age difference between your oldest three and your youngest two? How many children do you want, or are you not sure yet? How long did you nurse your oldest ones for? I really enjoy you and your advocacy for breastfeeding. I refer a lot of pregnant/nursing moms to your page.

Because we really thought we were done. I had serious heart damage during Lolie’s pregnancy and was advised to never do it again. But my heart felt like we weren’t done and wasn’t ready to take a permanent step. I got pregnant with Squiggle Bug on birth control and it was a huge shock. I’ve nursed my babies for 10 months, 4 months, 18 months, 22 months, and 27 months so far.

Q: I am still curious about your everyday. What is grocery shopping, road trips, vacations, one on one time like….. homework time, chores, etc…. how do you/piano man manage to keep 5 children behaving well?? how do you deal with conflict? how many do you think you will end up with? What do you think your kids will be when they grow up?

Our everyday is… busy and normal. Grocery shopping: The Piano Man and I usually go alone or with just a child or 2, the other stays home. Sometimes we have to take everyone but they love it. We play games and enlist their help. Road trips: big ones we have a plan for activities and stops, short ones we kind of wing it pulling from our arsenal of ideas when they get impatient. Chores: we teach early on that we’re all a part of a community, our family. Just like we have to be good citizens in our larger community, we have to do our part in our family. There are consequences when they don’t do their part such as people getting frustrated with them, mommy and daddy doing their chores but not having time to make a good dinner (this one is really motivating), missing out on the special community (aka: family) times, etc. For the most part it’s not an issue, they seem to understand. Conflict: I could write a whole book on this. The short version? We moderate and help walk them through their conflict. Behaving: define “behaving.” We first look at our expectations and make sure they are developmentally appropriate. Then we look at our parenting to see if we’re provoking our children in any way. After that we make sure all their needs are being met. It’s only then that we address their behavior. In general, they are well behaved children but they are children and as such, act accordingly including “misbehaving” from time to time. How many will we end up with: I’m thinking 6 at this point. What will they be when they grow up? Hopefully confident, educated, kind, caring, free-thinking women.

Q: With 5 (almost 6) children how do you manage space wise in terms of sleeping, storing clothes and toys and just finding space for everyone to do their own thing? I have 4 children in a 3 bed house and we are right at our limits space-wise but I would love more children. Xxx ps( you should be extremely proud of what you have achieved with TLB, there is nothing compares to it and it is a backbone for many women on their breastfeeding journey!

We live in a tiny house. An old, tiny house that we rent. About 1,400 square feet and 3 bedroom, 1 bath. There isn’t much storage and it’s a constant battle. I’m ready to move. The Piano Man made loft style beds with a play platform in the middle to help maximize space. We try to use the walls as much as possible and we keep things simple in terms of play things. Lots of cubbies, baskets, bins, shelves, and boxes trying to contain our stuff. When it gets to be too much, we purge. We’re always picking up, encouraging each other to put stuff away, and always deciding how much mess we can live with.

Q: How do you grocery shop and prepare healthy meals for so many people? I have a really hard time with meal planning. I think we spend way too much money on groceries for 2 adults and a baby. Any tips would be great.

Well, this is just about lunches but I wrote some about that here. Otherwise, I do something similar for our regular meals. We shop primarily on the outside of the store buying whole foods such as produce, whole grains, dairy, etc. Most everything we make is from scratch. We have a list that we occasionally update and add to but about 50 of our favorite meals are on there, all price ranges. Usually we pick a few main meals and that becomes our shopping list plus some staples we like to have on hand.

Q: Like many others I want to know how you manage so many children and $$$? My DH and I seem to have litters, we could easily jump from 2 to 4 to 6, etc. I would love to have more but $$ is an issue

We don’t have a hard and fast budget, largely because it tends to flux. But we do sit down to create a ball park budget and communicate frequently about where we stand. We have no debt. Our van is old and we paid cash for it. Our rent is low and well under what we could afford. We don’t have cable and our cell phone service is fairly modest though we use them for work as well so we have more than we would if that weren’t the case. Much of what we do (i.e. our daughters in dance, the school our girls go to) is bartered. We don’t have new anything and don’t feel the need to. We make what we can and we shop at thrift stores over buying brand new most of the time. When things have taken us by surprise, we’ve decided to sell things to be able to buy the new item or dip into our small savings. Sometimes we just choose to go without until we figure out how we can afford it. This has taught us so much, actually. Given us incredible opportunities to slow down if need be to make things work.

Most importantly, we rarely stress about money. We don’t have much but we are well aware that we have so much more than many in this world. Perspective on what we can and can’t live without help us to focus on our blessings rather than on what we don’t have.

Filed Under: family, Jessica, motherhood, Parenting Tagged With: balance, children, family, Parenting, working mom

Unsupportive Support- the offers of help

November 15, 2011 By theleakyb@@b

There are all kinds of ways to help a mom, some are more helpful than others. Take a look at these two “helpful” suggestions that really aren’t that helpful at all. I’m here to help you though by pointing them out and providing some real life strategies to keep you (dear friends, family, and help care providers) from committing unintentional breastfeeding sabotage as part of my Unsupportive Support series.

How not to support and how to avoid being unintentionally unsupportive- part 3.

Unsupportive support is…

Suggesting formula so others “can help” or take the baby overnight.

This suggestion actually just makes the support person look, well, incredibly stupid. Sorry. I don’t think they are actually stupid but they certainly are uneducated and just not thinking things through. Giving formula when it’s not required can greatly impact a breastfeeding relationship. In fact, it can completely sabotage it. But that aside, let’s face the facts of this suggestion: it’s selfish. People say that because THEY want to feed the baby, it’s not really about helping. They want to sit there and cuddle the sweet little one while the mom does the dishes or laundry. They want to have the baby looking adoringly up into their face while the mom vacuums and cleans the toilet. They want the baby to connect the satisfying feeling of feeding with their face while the mom cooks dinner for them and cleans the windows. If you’re really looking for ways to help, do all the things you want to free her up to do as you give the baby a bottle and instead let her breastfeed. It’s not helping to hold or feed the baby so she can clean the house. That’s getting in the way and she’d probably be better off if you just left if you’re not going to do anything really helpful. Because, seriously, do you think she’d rather do the dishes than to hold and feed her child? Of course not! It’s her baby, not yours, she’s the one that needs to sit and bond with this child over their meal, a meal that more than likely her body is fully equipped to provide. If she wants to go away overnight with the baby I bet she’s a big enough girl she can use her own words to ask for a sitter in that situation, if she hasn’t asked for it, she probably isn’t interested. No, maybe she actually doesn’t want to leave her baby with you overnight right now. So back off. When you feel the urge to snatch the baby and have the mom do the dishes so you can bond with her child whisper over and over “It’s not about me.” It will be a great rhythm to scrub the pots and pans to.

Suggesting the mom pumps so others can help by giving bottles of breast milk.

See above, most of it applies. Except, I have to ask, in what universe do you think it’s easier for a mom to anticipate her baby’s needs in time to get a bottle of milk pumped, be sure it’s enough (may take more than one pumping session since babies are better at getting milk from the breast than pumps are), do whatever household chore the supposed helper should be doing, clean the bottle later, and make sure she can do it all again in time for the baby’s next feeding? Let’s see here, lift my shirt and put my baby on my breast for 15-45 minutes or hook up to a machine that doesn’t empty the breast as well as a baby for 10-45 minutes while someone else cares for my baby, put milk in bottle, do housework while someone else feeds my milk to my baby, clean bottles, clean pump, get ready to do it all over again, hopefully before junior is actually hungry. Hmmmm, tough decision. Baring any complications and if breastfeeding is going well, the only time I can see it being easier to pump so someone else can feed when the mom is available is if there is some nagging friend or relative that just. won’t. shut. up. about wanting to feed the baby. No mom should ever feel like she has to give into bullying in how she cares for her baby and if she wants your help this way I bet she’s already figured out how to ask if someone would like to feed the baby a bottle. Sing it again with me “it’s not about MEEEEEE!”

We have to be honest with ourselves: are our offers of help more about us or are they truly trying to be helpful? And, if they are truly intended to help, am I offering the kind of help she needs, not just the kind of help I want to give? It really isn’t helpful if you can’t respect her parenting choices and your offers of support are simply attempts to get her to do things your way. It’s even more sad when it’s self-serving. Careful, she will choose not to have you around if you insist on “helping” this way. Don’t underestimate how quickly she’ll determine that dealing with your unsupportive help is more work than it’s worth and would rather no help at all. You get to be there, a part of this child’s life, don’t screw it up by trying to force self-serving offers of help.

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What kind of help meant the most to you when you had a new baby?

Did you have to deal with people that only wanted to help their way and you found it less helpful and more stressful?

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding support, breastmilk pumping, Featured, Jessica, Parenting Tagged With: Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding support, family, Parenting

7 Toddler Skills I Could Live Without (or at least wait for later)

October 25, 2011 By theleakyb@@b

When we first have our babies each new developmental milestone and stage is exciting. We look forward anxiously to signs that our little one is ok, normal, maybe even advanced. Parents brag about how early their drooling bundle started holding their head up, smiled, rolled over and crawled. Strangers ask “has she started walking yet?” upon encountering a mother or father with a baby anywhere over the age of 9 months in a stroller or carrier.

Then they actually start walking. After the initial excitement wears off parents are hit with the reality that their once adorable slow mover is now an adorable potential disaster on two legs. One that, before you know it, can outrun mom and dad and suddenly develops a stealth mode.

Walking isn’t where the patience testing, keep-you-on-your-toes talents for our little ones start and stop though. No, within days most toddlers begin developing an entire arsenal of skills that they physically can accomplish but lack the developmental capabilities to use reason in applying and enjoy just for the fun of it. Meaning: watch out.

Seven skills I wish my toddler couldn’t master before being able to explain why she needs to do it.

Climbing.
It’s great on a playground but toddlers figure out climbing by practicing on anything they can find handy: bookshelves, chairs, tabletops, counters, back of the couch… just about anything that is less than safe. Any furniture that can should be bolted to a wall to prevent tipping and possible injury. I’m glad my kids love climbing, I understand that it’s important for development even but the whole pushing chairs over to the counter to climb up and then into the cabinets to reach some snack instead of asking me for it does not help my blood pressure. And I’ve had kids that climbed before they walked, getting their “I-can-freak-mommy-out” on even earlier.

Flushing the toilet.
She doesn’t even use it but she’s figured out that the sound it makes is cool plus she can say and wave “bye-bye.” We try to keep the door closed but it’s forgotten from time to time and with 4 big sisters this isn’t surprising. My favorite is when she accompanies me to the toilet and insists on flushing while I’m still sitting there. Hello!

Turning on the facet.
The step stool in the bathroom seemed like a good idea for getting your child to brush their teeth but then they figure out how to turn the water on in the sink. I get it, it’s way too much fun that every time you turn the handle water come out. A trickle or a gush it’s like a mini-water park to a toddler. Add in cups, spoons, and other water receptacles and it’s a complete adventure of splash time goodness. As an added bonus it means the bathroom will get mopped. Again.

Opening doors.
The best doors for a toddler to open are those that led to the rooms of big sisters. Where big sisters have treasures and art supplies stashed or even better… candy. I know there are door knob covers to keep curious hands from going into forbidden entryways but since my older kids also struggle with being able to open doors with safety knobs I can’t spend all day opening doors for everyone. Instead we are all just trying to get smarter about our hiding places.

Opening marker lids.
Even more than glitter, markers are my least favorite craft supply. The siren of all potential mess-makers, my toddlers simply can’t resist the call of colored ink with a felt tip. Get the lid off and watch out walls, carpet, tables, clothing, faces, books… you name it. I’ve banished markers from our house multiple times but somehow they always sneak back in to lure my toddlers into some sort of damage. With bigger kids around now too there seems to be a particular affinity for the permanent kind. Those lids should be child-proof.

Taking the diaper off.
No matter what kind of diaper my toddlers always eventually master taking it off. Disposable, applix cloth, snaps, prefold and snappi, even diaper pins, my toddlers are diaper Houdinis. Dirty or clean, if given the chance they will get it off and are guaranteed to run from me once the situation is discovered, more often than I care to admit running right through some #2 and leaving their mark everywhere.

Getting undressed.
For a while as long as there is clothing covering their diaper my toddlers forget about their magic trick of escaping the poop trap. Then comes the fateful day when they realize they can take their clothes off BY THEMSELVES! With my first born I clapped and cheered for this new milestone thinking of her blooming independence but those days are long gone now. I just had no idea. In a flash the child that I had ready to walk out the door is naked, clothes scattered, and shoes hidden all in the time it took me to grab my purse and keys. Running around as though they’ve been craving fresh air on their private parts for decades, they squeal with delight while I sigh in exasperation. It’s not like they go naked almost all day every day inside as it is. I’ve given up on keeping clothes on them if we’re staying in, there’s no point, they’re just going to take it off anyway.

Getting ME undressed.
Because I’m *cough* “still” *cough* breastfeeding my children when they are toddlers they enjoy learning how to get to my breasts, on their own if need be. It always puzzles me, have I not been responding to their requests to breastfeed easily and readily for the past many months? Why suddenly do they need to alert me to their desire to breastfeed by taking it upon themselves to physically undress me? Dear sweet child of mine, I am perfectly capable and willing to get my breast out for you to feed but we’re going to have some boundaries here and work on developing some breastfeeding manners, ok? Trying to pull my shirt over my head as the first sign that you want to nurse is a bit rude. Funny, yes. The first time. Maybe even the second. But by the 115th time I’m not amused. So here’s the deal, sign milk or ask for “bobbies” and it’s all yours but getting the boob out is left to me, mmmkay?

Thankfully we usually survive the toddler stage just fine with only a few less hairs on my head and my blood pressure only slightly more elevated than normal. Reminding myself that it’s normal and actually a positive for them to explore and make messes helps me keep it all in focus. Sometimes. Besides, before I know it we’re into the stage where they can forcefully articulate why they want to do something and quite succinctly: “Because I want to!”

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What are some of your favorite toddler skills?

How have your toddlers kept you on your toes and how have you survived the challenge?

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, extended breastfeeding, father, Featured, humor, Jessica, Parenting, toddler Tagged With: Breastfeeding, Parenting, parenting humor, parenting toddlers, Toddler, toddler humor