Breastfeeding beyond Infancy in Developed Countries

By Star Rodriguez for The Leaky B@@b
Breastfeeding beyond 12 months

Imagine a mom breastfeeding a baby.  Now imagine her breastfeeding a toddler.  Now a preschooler.  Do you feel uncomfortable with any of those images?  When do you start to feel a little weird?

In developed countries where breastfeeding duration is low and where nursing in public isn’t seen as often, it’s pretty normal to have a point where you begin to feel a little uncomfortable with thinking about breastfeeding a child.  After all, there are a multitude of foods and drink available readily and safely in developed countries, so why on Earth would someone need or want to nurse, say, a three or four year old child?

First, it’s helpful to understand what our natural weaning age probably is.  Katherine Dettwyler, Phd, professor of anthropology looked at natural weaning ages of animals and came up with five possible ranges.  First, she looked at when permanent molars come in, a normal weaning time for primates.  That puts the range at five to six years old for human kids.  Animals also often wean babies based on when they reach about a third of their adult body weight.  This puts human kiddos at four to seven years old.  With some primates, though, adult body size and not weight is the true test; our children would wean naturally, then, somewhere between the end of the second year and the end of the third year.  Some mammals nurse until their babies have tripled or quadrupled birth weight; this would mean human babies would naturally wean somewhere between two to three years old.  Finally, many mammals wean after the baby has been alive for about six times the length of gestation.  Therefore, human babies would breastfeed around four to five years.

Clearly, most of us are not breastfeeding our children until they are six or seven years old in developed countries where they have a plethora of other foods and many social activities.  However, there are a lot of women who quietly report to me that they nursed to two or three years, although they don’t tell their friends or extended families, because “they’d think I was crazy!”  More often than that, I get moms calling me, asking me how long babies should nurse, and what the benefits are to nursing beyond a year.

Sadly, there aren’t a lot of studies on breastfeeding beyond infancy in the developed world.  I’ve been told that this is because there aren’t a lot of women who continue beyond that, and, statistically, that is very true.  I see Leakies every day discussing breastfeeding beyond a year, and there are articles and websites that mention it regularly.  So I think there are more moms out there doing it than we often admit, but it might be difficult to gather them up in one place for a study.

That all said, we can surmise a few things from studies in less developed areas and what we already know about breastfeeding and breastmilk.

First, breastfeeding can foster independence.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Children are learning to be independent, especially through toddlerhood.  I am aware of this every day as my three year old rushes to tell me, “I do it!” and gets incredibly mad if I try to help her, or if she needs help.  Children still are dependent on their primary caregivers, though.  Nursing meets a lot of their dependent, nurturing needs and can help them to feel as though they are able to express their independence while knowing that they are able to be comforted and close to their mothers when they need to be.

Breastfeeding also provides antibodies.  How many toddlers and preschoolers stick everything in their mouths, as often as they can?  How many have no concept of personal hygiene, picking their noses, eating food off the floor, sneezing in the faces of others, and so on?  By continuing to breastfeed, you are continuing to provide them with immune protection tailored to the environment that they are in.  It won’t stop them from ever getting sick, but it can be helpful to some viruses.

Breastmilk remains tailored to the child and is often something that children can take in even when they are ill and not holding much else down.  The calories and fat in breastmilk are not empty calories like many other easily held down liquids (like lemon lime sodas, ginger ales, etc.)

Breastfeeding has analgesic properties to it.  Think about how often young children get bumps, bruises, and owies.  Carrying around something that can help them to feel better about those is a wonderful thing.

As far as moms are concerned, many of the wonderful things that breastfeeding does for mothers are dose related.  For instance, the longer women breastfeed over their lifetime, the more their breast cancer risk is reduced, and that’s certainly not the only health benefit that is tied to duration.  Further, mothers who continue breastfeeding continue to produce milk and subsequently burn a few extra calories, too.  Who couldn’t use, say, an extra cookie a day?

At the end of the day, the length of time that a mother/baby dyad decides to continue breastfeeding is a very personal thing.  Despite the fact that we live in a developed society where extended breastfeeding may not be necessary for survival, it can be a meaningful and beneficial thing to moms and babies.

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How do you feel about breastfeeding beyond the first year?  

How do you personally determine the duration of breastfeeding with your own children?

How much has cultural expectations impacted how long you were/are willing to breastfeed?

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breastfeedingStar Rodriguez is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, student, and mother of two in Minnesota.  She has done private practice work, worked with WIC, and now works in a hospital setting.  She is available for online consulting and in-person consults in the Brainerd Lakes area.  She can be reached through the Facebook page of Lactastic Services or you can find more information at www.lactastic.com.
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12 Weaning Ceremonies


Breastfeeding can be such a sacred time in our lives. While we cherish the breastfeeding journey, it is rare in our culture to commemorate the end of breastfeeding with little more than a note in the baby book. If breastfeeding was important to you, consider celebrating your experiences and remembering this special transition with a weaning ceremony.

Your weaning ceremony can serve multiple purposes. If you choose to involve your child, it can be an event to mark the end of nursing – something that mother and child gently discuss and plan in anticipation of weaning. For mothers and their partners, a weaning ceremony is a way to honor the transition from breastfeeding to nursing beyond the breast, and all of the emotions that accompany that change.

Some children may not benefit from a definite, marked end to the nursing relationship. If a slow, natural end to breastfeeding is more comfortable for your child, you can still hold a quiet ceremony by yourself, with your spouse, or with other mothers who can understand and support you through this transition. Don’t be afraid to mourn the end of breastfeeding – it is a normal and healthy response to this change. But after you’ve given yourself time to mourn, consciously meditate on the joys of mothering a child who has weaned. A weaning ceremony can help you mindfully navigate this change.

Below are 12 weaning ceremony ideas that you can adapt to meet your own needs and those of your nursling. If you have other ceremony ideas, please share them in the comments so I can add them to the list.

    1. Write your nursling a letter. Include anything you’d like to share about your nursing relationship, what this change means to you, your hopes and dreams for them, etc. I found two examples of weaning letters: one at Mothering.com, the other from a Jewish mother at ritualwell.
    2. Anoint yourself with herbs for weaning. Herbs can help with physical discomfort and emotional healing. Kellymom lists several herbs to help decrease milk supply, including sage and peppermint. Earth Mama Angel Baby makes a No More Milk tea that includes some of these herbs. And because you will experience a drop in prolactin levels during weaning, it may also help to prepare yourself with herbal remedies for depression.(1) Herbs to help alleviate depression that are safe to use while breastfeeding include St. Johnís wort, Evening primrose oil, Motherwort, and Blessed thistle.(2)
    3. Write your breastfeeding story. Start with those milky newborn memories – the pursed lips nursing even after they’ve unlatched, sleepy rooting at all hours of the day and night, the newness of life and the awe of continuing to grow your baby with your own body. Continue on through infancy – those milky smiles, dive bombing for your breast, the day your little one first starts babbling or signing in a recognizable way for milk. Write about the joys of breastfeeding past infancy – nursing gymnastics, manners, nursing away every hurt, the special words and phrases you and your nursling share.(3) Share the highs and lows of your nursing experience and the emotions you’ve gone through along the way. Here are two stories to get you started: one at Kellymom, another at La Leche League International.
    4. Throw a weaning party. For little ones who need a celebration to mark the occasion of weaning, consider having an intimate party – just you and your nursling and partner. Make special foods, bake a cake, whatever makes it special for your family. Here is an example of a weaning party.
    5. Write a book. Create a personal book for your child about their breastfeeding journey, their babyhood, and their transition into a “big kid.”
    6. Hold a special ceremony for your nursling.Sometimes breastfeeding pairs need to wean when neither mama nor child is ready. In these situations, a special ceremony may help mark the day of weaning, helping the child clearly see the end of nursing while beginning the grieving process for both in a bittersweet way.Jessica of The Leaky B@@b was pregnant, gaining very little weight, and felt pressured by her care providers to wean. To help give closure to her 21 month old nursling, Jessica, her husband, and the big sisters all wrote a special note for the nursling. After eating a special meal together, the family gathered around a candle. Jessica invited her nursling to climb into her lap for one last nursing session. As her nursling snuggled in, the family read their letters to the child. They also gave her several sweet gifts. When she was finished nursing, she blew out the candle.

      While your weaning ceremony will be memorable and sweet, be prepared for nurslings to continue to ask to nurse. They simply do not understand what it means to wean forever, and you will very likely have to soothe many tears in the weeks to come (as Jessica did).

    7. Give yourself (and/or your child) a gift. Find something special that represents this transition. I highly recommend Hollyday Designs breastmilk jewelry – it is beautiful.
    8. Create a breastfeeding scrapbook. Gather pictures and/or video of you and your little one snuggling and nursing and compile them into a keepsake scrapbook (a virtual one or one that you can hold).
    9. Go on a date. Take your nursling somewhere special. Make it an event that represents how “grown up” they are.
    10. Tell your child their nursing story. Regardless of whether you write it down, tell your little one about your nursing journey as you’ve lived it. Telling them this story over the years will help normalize breastfeeding for them, and it will help you both retain sweet memories from their nursing years.
    11. Choose a special time to be together. If you or your little one are missing a regular nursing time, find something special you can do together every day at that time instead. Think about snuggling, reading, yoga, meditation, art, or some other activity you will both enjoy. For as long as you need to throughout and after the weaning process, take a few moments at the beginning of your special time to check in with yourself and truly be present with your child.
    12. Design your own ritual.Several cultures and religions have weaning ceremonies. Research them and design a ceremony that will be meaningful to your family. Here are a few resources to get you started:

Did you do something to mark the end of your breastfeeding relationship? Please share in the comments.

Footnotes:
(1) From Kellymom: “Prolactin, the hormone that stimulates milk production, also brings with it a feeling of well-being, calmness and relaxation. The faster the weaning process the more abrupt the shift in hormone levels, and the more likely that you will experience adverse effects.”
(2) Safe herb list found here. It also says that St. Johnís wort should not be taken in conjunction with any other depression medication.
(3) And if you’d like to share your nursing past infancy story, consider submitting it to my series. See my Contributor Guidelines page for more details.

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Dionna is a lawyer turned work at home mama of two amazing kids, Kieran and Ailia. You can normally find Dionna over at Code Name: Mama where she shares information, resources, and her thoughts on natural parenting and life with little ones. Dionna is also cofounder of Natural Parents Network and NursingFreedom.org, and author of For My Children: A Mother’s Journal of Memories, Wishes, and Wisdom.
Connect with Dionna on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest!

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Extreme Reality- Breastfeeding Reality TV?

I’m not a fan of “reality” TV, well, most reality TV.  I do like So You Think You Can Dance but that’s a competition (of sorts), not really reality TV, right?  Anyway, most so-called reality TV seems anything but real.  The few times I’ve wasted took the time to watch some it seemed to be nothing more than a hyperbolic visual of humanity and I had to ask where did they find these people?

The truth is it’s possible that with some clever editing even my boring life may possibly appear to be entertaining drama.  Some very, very clever editing.  I mean, I work, do laundry (sometimes, there could be drama over the laundry thing actually), play with my kids, feed my children…

Oh my gosh, there it is!  The entertainment opportunity of reality TV ripe and just waiting to be picked RIGHT THERE!  I feed my children.  *gasp*

Apparently, some think that is quality reality TV just waiting to happen.  You can read about it here.  Not just any feeding, true.  Breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding over a year.  Cause that is so extreme.

 

*blink*

 

We’re reaching here, right?

There are moments when I think I must be really dense because I just don’t get it.  Like now.  If this is extreme to the point that an entire reality TV series to be called “Extreme Parenting” is based on it then why does my life seem so… not extreme?  I’ve breastfed 3 of my 6 children past the 1 year mark (past the 2 year mark…).  That should make me off the charts extreme, right?

Even with the most clever editing possible this sounds like the most boring reality TV show ever.  Because this just doesn’t seem extreme.  It’s really rather normal.  Average.  Regular.

We are a family of 8, 6 are girls under the age of 14, living in a 1400 square foot house with one bathroom.  ONE BATHROOM FOR 8 PEOPLE!  Talk about real entertainment.

Picture this: mom pushing past the 13 year old in the narrow hallway, guiding a wide-eyed 2 year old clutching between her legs, eyes wide as she desperately declares “I peepee!”  Frantically, mom knocks on the door of the bathroom, telling the 9 year old to take her book and get off the toilet now, it’s an emergency.  The 9 year old calls out that she just sat down.  The 11 year old squeezes past the mom and 2 year old in the hallway, telling the camera “ugh, my dad took forever in the bathroom after his shower, I almost peed my pants this morning.”  The 2 year old is heard saying “uh-oh” as the mom just about kicks down the door…

If any aspect of my life is extreme it’s this and maybe the laundry.  But breastfeeding past 12 months old?  Not so much.  Plus, the bathroom thing is lame.

Breastfeeding being depicted in mainstream media?  Even if it’s depicted as “extreme” and pitched as being weird and kind of crazy, is that all bad?  Eh, maybe not.  Who knows, someone may see some heavily edited episode and think “wow, I want to be just like those people!”  Because that’s totally what everyone watching reality TV thinks.  After all, Extreme Parenting is the brainchild of the same team that brought us Dance Moms and Bridezillas.  Just look at how those shows have elevated the obsessed pushy mother of a child dancer and obsessed pushy bride-to-be. These women are endeared to society the world over and every mother can’t wait to sign up her child for dance for their chance as a dance mom and all brides to be dream of their bridezilla moments with anticipation.

 

Oh wait…

 

There is a potential hidden nugget of positive in this exploitive form of entertainment that seems to enjoy depicting women as vapid, out-of-control selfish individuals with boundary issues: it will get people talking.  And when someone tells me about the crazy lady on that Extreme Parenting show and how she was actually breastfeeding her 3 year old I’ll say “puhshaw, that’s nothing. You want to talk extremes?  We have 8 people and 1 bathroom.  EIGHT PEOPLE AND 1 BATHROOM!”

Even this is less extreme than the activity surrounding our bathroom most mornings.

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 What do you think of this show?  Would you be on it?

The Leakies are talking about it over on The Leaky B@@b Facebook page, discussing the show, what other activities may be seen in a family that breastfeeds past 12 months, and activities we would consider more “extreme” than breastfeeding past 1 year.  Come join in the conversation.

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Up close and personal: Leakies Q & A on Sugarbaby, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding

Shortly after I announced this pregnancy I offered to answer questions of Leakies of what they’d like to know about me.  I thought I’d get maybe 10 questions.  More than 100 came in and I got completely overwhelmed.  It’s taken me a while but here, finally, are some of my answers to some of your questions.  I couldn’t answer them all but here’s a sampling related to pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding.  You can find more related to family, children, and work; and TLB, personal, and other.

Photoagraphy by Kelli Elizabeth Photography in Houston, TX

New baby, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding

Q: Do you plan on tandem nursing Smunchie and new baby?

 If she’s still breastfeeding at that point, yes.  We’re taking it one day at a time.  Smunchie asks to nurse once in a while but she has essentially weaned and hasn’t actually latched in about a month now.  If she’s still interested when Sugarbaby arrives I will let her try.  We’re taking a wait and see approach.

Q: Can you share your experiences with nursing while pregnant and the early stages if tandem nursing?  How are you breastfeeding while being so sick?

I’ve never been able to tandem as I’ve always had health care providers that insist I wean due to the severity of my Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  This time I refused to wean as I believe the hormones from breastfeeding help a bit with the nausea and vomiting.  It’s not easy for me to breastfeed while pregnant though.  Between the exhaustion, constant burn out feeling, and nipple sensitivity I find breastfeeding to be a challenge.  However, I got so much worse with my HG when I weaned Squiggle Bug during my 7th month with Smunchie.  My midwife insisted I wean because I was still 24 pounds under my prepregnant weight and hadn’t gained more than 2 pounds back in the month before.  Weaning was physically hard on me and emotionally hard on both of us.  This time I’ve decided it’s not worth it and that I wouldn’t be leading Smunchie to wean.  She pretty much did anyway.  It’s different for every woman and for every pregnancy and breastfeeding relationship, this is just where we are this time. 

You can see a video of me breastfeeding Smunchie during this pregnancy in this post where I go a little more in-depth about breastfeeding in pregnancy for me personally.

Q: Would like to hear about tandem nursing and nursing through pregnancy. I am 16 weeks and nursing my 10 month old. We are doing great, but I have never heard anybody say their milk hasn’t dried up at some point.

My milk didn’t dry up during Smunchie’s pregnancy even after Squiggle Bug weaned (around 7 months) but it helped that I was on Reglan to help with the HG.  To be honest, I can’t stand breastfeeding while pregnant.  Between being sick and then the nipple sensitivity I struggle with anxiety while breastfeeding.  It’s hard and I don’t enjoy it.  However, that’s not the case for many women I interact with on a regular basis.  Some women have no problem continuing through pregnancy either emotionally or physically and have plenty of milk.  I can’t speak to tandem nursing personally as I’ve never successfully done so.

Q: Do you get cravings? If so, what?

Not often.  It’s more like I get ideas for food that sound less repulsive than other options.  I try to eat those foods if possible because it’s less likely I’ll throw them up though that happens anyway.  If I’m lucky I’ll stumble upon a “safe food” that I can eat for a few days that I manage to keep down.  But actual cravings?  Not so much.  Unfortunately a lot of what I do eat is not the healthiest options, I try but my midwives, doctors, nurse, husband and I all agree that some food, even junk food, is better than nothing.  This pregnancy I have found the Yummy Earth Organic Lollipops in strawberry to be something that helps and I seem to have a thing for frozen yogurt (even though I threw it up in the mall parking lot today).

Q: Will you find out the sex or wait?

We have found out the sex and I made a video to announce it but lost the entire thing in a massive computer fail.  I haven’t been able to finish redoing it so may just announce at the birth.

Q: Also how do you prep your young children for the coming baby?

At first we focus on getting through the pregnancy, particularly the worst of it (usually to about 7-8 months) but as the pregnancy progresses we talk more and more about the coming baby.  We watch birth videos together (all of my children, including Smunchie, have seen videos of babies being born) and work on setting things up for the new family member together.  My older girls start getting excited about making things for the baby and they’ve all voiced some ideas on names (Squiggle Bug wants Angelina no matter if Sugarbaby is a boy or a girl).  When movement can be felt on the outside I invite them to cuddle with me with their hands on the belly to feel the baby move and they are enjoying this very much this time around.  They hear the heart beat, I show them how to palpate my abdomen to feel the height of the funds and eventually the position of the baby, and they read stories to my belly.  With younger ones we do a lot of doll play with them, change diapers, feed our babies together, and encourage them to babywear their own babies.  We also involve them in the fun parts of getting ready for a baby: announcing the pregnancy, celebrating the coming baby, etc.

Q: Did you notice a temperament change in Smunchie as soon as you got pregnant? I am 16 weeks and I swear my 12 month old knew I was pregnant and started becoming clingy.

Not really but we did with Squiggle Bug.  Squiggle Bug started talking about a new baby when I just suspected I was pregnant but hadn’t confirmed it.  Smunchie seems oblivious.

Q: How do you manage keeping up with the kids all day when you’re extremely ill?  How do you keep doing it, mentally, especially with them so close together, knowing how violently ill you’ll get? Is there a point in your pregnancies where you no longer are ill?

We enlist the help of friends.  Though we haven’t always done this, in fact, in the past I’ve withdrawn from relationships while I’m pregnant because I’ve feared being a burdened and not being believed.  However, this time The Piano Man and I decided that our family deserved better than that.  So I humbled myself and asked for help.  We are incredibly blessed to have a number of people that love spending time with our children and would take turns coming over to help get dinner together, children in bed, pick-up/drop-off girls to dance class, etc.  In the past we coped by filling a cooler with snacks, having a pile of books, a stack of DVDs, a basket of toys, and a box of craft supplies parked by the couch or bed where I would stay.  The house would be trashed but everyone would be safe and entertained.  With homeschooling my big girls would bring their work to me and I’d help them from that spot as well.  It wasn’t ideal but it worked well enough.  As to how I keep doing it, one day at a time.  Sometimes one hour at a time.

There is not a point where I’m no longer ill, but there comes a point when I’m less sick and able to function better.  It’s kind of relative.  After being really bad, it’s not hard to manage being kind of bad.

I also fine a lot of support and information at helpher.org.

Q: How do you prepare your children for your pregnancy symptoms and make sure their needs (emotional as well) are met while dealing with HG? (I’ve had it with both pregnancies and my daughter was a MESS during my pregnancy with my son because I was literally in bed, in the bathroom, or in the hospital for 30 weeks. It’s the biggest reason we won’t have another:( )

When I only had small ones there wasn’t much we could do.  We watched too much TV, they cuddled with me in bed and we read together, friends would help tons, and… we prayed.  The short term affects were nothing compared to the long term payoffs of having siblings.  

With older ones in the picture now it’s a bit different.  We talk about it, we strategize together, we make plans, and we enlist help.  We strive to hold on to as much normalcy as possible but we acknowledge that there will be challenges to that.  We’ve also been demanding about getting adequate care and that has made the biggest difference.

Q: When did your HG kick in during this pregnancy. How does your HG with this pregnancy compare to your previous pregnancies? Did you do anything differently that has made it easier, or are their any circumstances that are making it harder? Have you done anything now or in the past to space your children, or do you just rely on natural child spacing and faith? Do you think the length of time between giving birth has an effect on your HG? Do you think age has an effect on HG? Do you vomit in front of your kids and if so how do you think it affects them? (not trying to be rude, just something I definitely thought about when vomiting in front of my toddler. Do you or have you ever had hyper-salivation with a pregnancy? I didn’t know about this one until this pregnancy, but it definitely upped the disgusting level of HG for us.

I’ve had pitalism in 2 of my pregnancies and it is ridiculously disgusting.  Yes, I’ve thrown up in front of my kids though I hate to and try not to as much as possible.  At first they seem to notice and then it’s like it’s no big deal.  Which is awkward and breaks my heart when they tell others “my mom throws up all the time but it’s ok, I’m used to it.”  Does it affect them?  Probably though when we’ve talked about it they just say that they get scared and want to help but that it’s worth it to get a new baby.  They have expressed concern that they will experience HG and honestly, I’m concerned about that as well.  If they do I will be their biggest advocate.  I felt “off” before I got a positive test, had my first IV at 5 weeks.  This has been my best pregnancy but I don’t know how much of that is because it was easier or because we followed an aggressive protocol that made it so different.  I only lost 16 pounds this time compared to the 26 pounds I lost in my next best pregnancy.

Q:  Birth plans? Births of the other kids, what were they like?

Earth Baby (13) was born in a hospital with The Piano Man as my support person.  In spite of some serious complications (high blood pressure, hemorrhage, and a few other issues) we were able to have a successful vaginal birth without pain medications (I was on bp meds and fluids for dehydration) at 41 weeks and 4 days.

The Storyteller (11) was born at home with a midwife at 37 weeks, an unusually fast labor for a baby sunny side up.  Born in our bed with The Piano Man as my support person.  We had a doula that I ended up asking to leave as she distracted me, a midwife, and a midwife assistant.  It was a very hard but beautiful labor and birth.

Lolie (9) was also born at home at 36 weeks exactly, a new midwife and new city.  She was born after a 36 hour labor into her daddy’s hands, our 3rd baby at on 03.03.03 at 3am.  It was mostly pain-free for me except when I started fighting my body and when the anterior cervical lip that had persisted for 10 hours had to be moved manually.  Ouch.  We had an amazing doula that primarily supported The Piano Man supporting me.

Squiggle Bug (4) was with another midwife at home, 41 weeks and 4 days.  I caught her myself when The Piano Man was supporting me and I had put my hands down instinctively and he couldn’t get out from behind me to help catch and instead just wrapped his arms around me and said “you’ve got this.”  It was a beautiful labor, peaceful.

Smunchie (2) gave me some trouble with positioning at 38 weeks.  Poor thing was asenclitic with a partial facial presentation.  She came out so banged up.  I planned to catch myself this time, I loved the experience with Squiggle Bug and that’s exactly what we did.  I was more experienced and knowledgable with birth having been trained as a midwife myself at this point so I did my own cervical checks (pointless but I had to know) and had incredible support to just do things how I wanted.  That’s exactly what I did.  Born into my hands after a challenging labor due to positioning, it was an exhilarating birth.

Sugarbaby, if all goes well, will be born at home as well.

Q: I have a question that I absolutely don’t want you to take the wrong way. How did you make the decision to keep having children despite having HG? I only had horrible regular morning sickness (had to be controlled by medication, but it was controlled) as well as a set of twins my second time and gestational diabetes. That was enough excitement and we called it quits at the three, lol. I’m not judging your decision at all. Just curious as to how you made it. You’re so much braver than I!

Not braver.  More crazy, possibly.  Every one of us has a different path in life, the choices may appear the same but the reality is with our various circumstances and priorities we can’t imagine making the choices someone else does and we have to just figure out what works for us in our situation.

Sometimes I think that if it weren’t for HG I may not have had 5 kids, largely because I was always hoping “maybe this time it will be different.”  Being a bit of a rebel I got angry at HG and declared I wouldn’t let it determine my family planning.  I just didn’t want it to have that kind of say in our lives.

Most importantly I did a lot of research and found care providers that would be aggressive in early treatment. With a full protocol in place HG tends to be more manageable. Before trying to conceive some women have experienced improvements with cleanses, particularly liver cleanses. Being prepared can help tremendously.

It is hard to parent the child you have while growing a new one with HG. Very hard. Getting a support team around you can make a huge difference in that as well. While it is hard I can tell you with some confidence that when you get through it toddler will forget those rough HG days and enjoy having a younger sibling. In the moment it’s incredibly difficult and I’ve had to deal with a lot of grief about not being the kind of mom I want to be to my children when I’m pregnant but my children having each other has made it so worth it.

Q: Did you and your hubby “Try” for a boy this time? Did you try to time your cycles to get a boy or did you just let nature take it’s course? Thanks! TLB is Awesome – it has helped me in my most crucial hour of need. Mom’s have got to stick together and help each other out and TLB does that wonderfully:) ♥ Thank you!

So glad you’ve found support through TLB!

No, we’ve never tried for a boy.  You can read more about that here.

Q: What is the best thing about all girls? The worst? How will your family handle whatever gender Sugarbaby is? Will having a boy be welcome or turn things upside down?

I’m not sure.  Having 5 girls I’m not entirely sure that I buy into there being major differences between boys and girls, at least not before puberty.  My girls are each so incredibly different from each other.  We are very intentional to not bring cultural expectations into our parenting regarding gender.  As such, if Sugarbaby is a boy we’ll welcome him just as we have our other children and he will be brought up as his sisters have been as our parenting style and choices aren’t based on the sex of our children.

Q: Curious if the new baby played a part in the nightweaning journey?

No but the nighweaning journey likely played a part in the new baby!


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Re-Play Giveaway

We all want the best for our kids, but buying green products can be expensive. As a mom of five (soon to be six!) I really have to pick and choose my battles, and be very thrifty. Our best strategy is simply to buy less and make the things we do buy really count. We’re also known to stalk the thrift stores for coveted items. And, I’m completely over trying to have a Martha Stewart looking house. That’s why I’m so excited to see the Re-Play products. Made from recycled milk jugs, they are good for the earth as part of our reduce, reuse, recycle values, and the price is amazing – right in line with regular old plastic. They are also dishwasher friendly and made to take a beating. They are a sister brand to Dandelion, a company I love (I’ve decided Sugarbaby needs the entire line of owl stuff they have, SO cute!).  For their launch, Re-Play is giving away 50 utensil sets (spoon and fork) so the Leakies can try them. Head over to their blog and tell them what you think to be entered in the giveaway (also, find them on FB here). They are also doing a giveaway almost every day for the rest of the month, so check back often and get in on your chance to add safe, green options to your household without blowing the budget.

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Embracing “Beyond”

Those readers active on TLB Facebook page know that {Laura} is one of our admins there offering balanced support, information, and a reasonable but caring voice to our community.  I’m so grateful for all our admins and thrilled to bring you a guest post from Laura, sharing where she is in her breastfeeding journey.  Though we are separated by an ocean, I can related to Laura and feel as though she is indeed one of my breastfeeding sisters.  I hope you enjoy this post and please, take the time to leave a comment sharing your thoughts and where you are on your journey.

The World Health Organization recommends that “infants start breastfeeding within one hour of life, are exclusively breastfed for six months, with timely introduction of adequate, safe and properly fed complementary foods while continuing breastfeeding for up to two years of age or beyond”.

When we started out, and for the first few weeks of M’s life, our goal was always “tomorrow”. We overcame initial difficulties (which I won’t go into here), tomorrows became todays became yesterdays,  and soon our goal was 6 months. In the blink of an eye 6 months came and went and we revised our goal to 1 year. This in turn passed, as did 18 months, and now we find ourselves a short few weeks from 2 years!

So, what next? Well, that would be “beyond”. Beyond is defined as “at or to the further side of”. Beyond can be something that women aspire to, and would love to reach. Beyond can be something that elicits negative reactions. Here in Ireland, beyond is RARE.

About 47% of infants here are breastfed on discharge from maternity care, and this already low figure drops to 22% at 3 months and less than 10% at 6 months.  I cannot even find statistics after 6 months!

A recent interview with a breastfeeding mother on national TV highlighted the often skewed public perception of “extended” breastfeeding.  This included the interviewer reading out the wrong HSE (Health Service) guidelines on breastfeeding! Friends of Breastfeeding (an Irish charity who can be found on Facebook) have details of this incident, and are also lodging an official complaint. When mainstream national media spread blatant misinformation, and barely stop short of ridicule, it’s no wonder that “beyond” is beyond comprehension for many.

So, we know that (here at least) “beyond” is rare, and not without controversy. Outside of the 2010 and 2011 breastfeeding challenges, I’ve only ever seen 2 other women NIP, and both of the children were infants. “Beyond” started off for me as an ideal and something we would most likely never attain. If pushed, I still could not answer why I thought that way, but I did.

However, there’s something about 2 years of tomorrows filled with closeness, love and nourishment that can change a girls mind. Not to mention the copious health and emotional benefits for both Mammy (n ; an Irish Mom,  pl mammies)  and baby that are *obviously* too numerous, complex and amazing to mention here!

At this stage, beyond does not feel like the big, gaping chasm it had seemed to be in those first few “tomorrow” weeks. It doesn’t seem much different to the transition from Tuesday to Wednesday. Each day my little lady is but one day older than the day before, and each day that she continues to find nourishment and comfort at my breast is a gift to us both. I feel so grateful to have made it to 2 years of breastfeeding my little girl. Here’s to beyond!

 

Laura Griffin lives in Limerick, Ireland with her partner of 10 years Keith and MooMoo (23 mos). She is a nurse and a student midwife who hopes to be an IBCLC one day.  She is a passionate advocate for breastfeeding and support for families, currently volunteering as a TLB admin on the Facebook page.  She dabbles in crochet while listening to Dream Theater in her limited spare time.
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Unsupportive Support- Cultural breastfeeding ignorance: toddlers and introducing solids

I bet at least half of those reading this are uncomfortable with that picture.

I get that society isn’t comfortable with breastfeeding in many ways, despite all the lip service given to “breast is best.”  So it’s not a big surprise that socially speaking most people don’t even have a basic idea of what’s normal or healthy with breastfeeding.  With this in mind much of what is unsupportive support comes from this place of ignorance and lack of exposure to normal, healthy breastfeeding.  It is my hope that time will change this problem because we have allowed our emphasis on the sexual nature of breasts to replace a general understanding of normal human biology.  However, waiting won’t change the unsupportive support spreading as a result of this collective ignorance of society so those unintentional acts must be addressed.  Continuing the series on unsupportive support, let’s take a look at a few of these common issues stemming from society’s lack of understanding of normal and healthy breastfeeding.

Does this one weird you out too?

 

How not to support and how to avoid being unintentionally unsupportive- part 6.

Unsupportive support is…

Ever asking “Isn’t he too old for that?” or “If they can ask for it they’re too old, it’s just gross.”

First thought that goes through my mind when I hear this: “Aren’t you too old to be so rude?”  Manners, people, try them.  This is not your child, this is not your choice.  Plus, the answer is no, the child isn’t too old.  Wherever you draw the imaginary cut off line for breastfeeding, it’s just that, imaginary.  What is it you’re really afraid of anyway?  That it somehow becomes sexual?  Remember, that fear is founded in an adult perception of breasts, not a child’s.  Are you concerned that the child will grow overly dependent on breastfeeding and need to breastfeed when they are in college?  Please, in cultures where it is common for children to wean on their own timeline, this is unheard of.  And even if it were to happen, wouldn’t that make it their problem, not yours?  Still, I’m not going to give this concern any more energy, I’ve never once met someone that had a college-age child breastfeeding.  You may be out of touch with what normal duration breastfeeding looks like, sometimes called “extended breastfeeding” but I have to ask, extended beyond what?  The minimum recommendations?  Extended beyond society’s distorted perception of normal breastfeeding?  Extended beyond your personal comfort level?  Extended beyond the imaginary cut off line for breastfeeding  The major health organizations in the world encourage mothers to breastfeed for at least 2 years and they recommend women continue as long as it is mutually agreeable.  Mutually.  Between the breastfeeding mother and the breastfeeding child.  Not you.  It’s up to them so butt out.  Babies start using the only communicating tools they know to start asking for it as soon as they are born, you can read here about normal newborn behavior.  A mother responding to her child’s signs of hunger = good parenting, not a bad habit.  It’s important that you recognize and get comfortable now with this thought: “My opinions aren’t always right for everyone and sometimes I should just keep them to myself.”

Sneaking food to a small child without asking their parents permission or arguing with them about their choice to wait to introduce foods.

It boggles my mind how often I read “I can’t trust my mother-in-law/uncle/brother/grandpa/etc. with my 3 month old, they insist on giving him tastes of food, even stuff like ice cream or dangerous choking hazards!”  People, it’s not your kid, not your turn to make these kind of decisions.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, shoot, friends get to spoil a kid, it’s true.  When my kids are older I don’t care if my parents take them out for ice cream for breakfast when they get to have them on their own.  It’s their grandparent prerogative and I support it on occasion.  But that has to be something discussed and approved (even with disapproval) and the limits recognized and respected.  Giving a baby foods that their parents, you know, the people that are responsible for them, take them to the doctor, are reading the most up to date information on what babies need, and are up at night with them, haven’t approved is not only disrespectful but it’s dangerous.  Between ruining a virgin gut (google it), risking allergen exposure, and introducing textures they may not be physically developed enough to handle and thus pose a potential choking risk, there is absolutely no good reason EVER to sneak food to another parent’s child.  And arguing with them about their decision for the health and safety of their child, even if you think they are wrong or extreme, is not helping either the parent or the child.  If you’re truly concerned do your research before bringing it up.  In order to offer support that’s actually helpful, you need to be familiar with current information and research as well as possible controversy.  In the end you have to respect their decision or you will remain that person they can’t trust.  And yes, they can’t trust you which means they will never be comfortable leaving their child in your hands.  Coming to terms with “I am not the person(s) ultimately responsible for this child, I do not have the authority or position to make this decision and must respect the people that do.”  By the way, this goes for formula fed babies too.  Allergies, food sensitivities, immature digestive tracts, and choking hazards are real concerns for them as well.  This is their long term health you’re messing around with and you don’t have that right or responsibility.

 

Breastfeeding is the biologically normal way to feed a small infant and child.  Just because we’re not used to it as a society does not mean that there is something wrong with it.  Before critiquing the mother willing to go against societal norms to do what she truly believes is best for her child, please educate yourself as to why she would do that in the first place.  Or at least express your thoughts and concerns by asking respectfully why she has chosen a certain path over another.  When it comes to decisions regarding that child’s health step carefully.  There is controversy surrounding just about every health decision parents are faced with today, cut them some slack and just respect that they are thinking people that may be ok with discussing their decision but deserve to be respected in them even if you disagree.  Please don’t let cultural ignorance determine how you feel about something or how you respond to something.  Challenge yourself, is the problem really what that mother is doing or is the problem that as a society we just can’t imagine anything other than what we’ve grown accustomed to.  Push yourself outside of your comfort zone and offer real support, not ignorant social judgments.

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Have you received comments about your child being “too old” to breastfeed?  How did you respond?

Are there people around you that you can’t trust because they don’t respect your parenting choices?

Have you ever had someone feed or almost feed your child something you felt was dangerous?

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7 Toddler Skills I Could Live Without (or at least wait for later)

When we first have our babies each new developmental milestone and stage is exciting.  We look forward anxiously to signs that our little one is ok, normal, maybe even advanced.  Parents brag about how early their drooling bundle started holding their head up, smiled, rolled over and crawled.  Strangers ask “has she started walking yet?” upon encountering a mother or father with a baby anywhere over the age of 9 months in a stroller or carrier.

Then they actually start walking.  After the initial excitement wears off parents are hit with the reality that their once adorable slow mover is now an adorable potential disaster on two legs.  One that, before you know it, can outrun mom and dad and suddenly develops a stealth mode.

Walking isn’t where the patience testing, keep-you-on-your-toes talents for our little ones start and stop though.  No, within days most toddlers begin developing an entire arsenal of skills that they physically can accomplish but lack the developmental capabilities to use reason in applying and enjoy just for the fun of it.  Meaning: watch out.

Seven skills I wish my toddler couldn’t master before being able to explain why she needs to do it.

Climbing.
It’s great on a playground but toddlers figure out climbing by practicing on anything they can find handy: bookshelves, chairs, tabletops, counters, back of the couch… just about anything that is less than safe.  Any furniture that can should be bolted to a wall to prevent tipping and possible injury.  I’m glad my kids love climbing, I understand that it’s important for development even but the whole pushing chairs over to the counter to climb up and then into the cabinets to reach some snack instead of asking me for it does not help my blood pressure.  And I’ve had kids that climbed before they walked, getting their “I-can-freak-mommy-out” on even earlier.

Flushing the toilet.
She doesn’t even use it but she’s figured out that the sound it makes is cool plus she can say and wave “bye-bye.”  We try to keep the door closed but it’s forgotten from time to time and with 4 big sisters this isn’t surprising.  My favorite is when she accompanies me to the toilet and insists on flushing while I’m still sitting there.  Hello!

Turning on the facet.
The step stool in the bathroom seemed like a good idea for getting your child to brush their teeth but then they figure out how to turn the water on in the sink.  I get it, it’s way too much fun that every time you turn the handle water come out.  A trickle or a gush it’s like a mini-water park to a toddler.  Add in cups, spoons, and other water receptacles and it’s a complete adventure of splash time goodness.  As an added bonus it means the bathroom will get mopped.  Again.

Opening doors.
The best doors for a toddler to open are those that led to the rooms of big sisters.  Where big sisters have treasures and art supplies stashed or even better… candy.  I know there are door knob covers to keep curious hands from going into forbidden entryways but since my older kids also struggle with being able to open doors with safety knobs I can’t spend all day opening doors for everyone.  Instead we are all just trying to get smarter about our hiding places.

Opening marker lids.
Even more than glitter, markers are my least favorite craft supply.  The siren of all potential mess-makers, my toddlers simply can’t resist the call of colored ink with a felt tip.  Get the lid off and watch out walls, carpet, tables, clothing, faces, books… you name it.  I’ve banished markers from our house multiple times but somehow they always sneak back in to lure my toddlers into some sort of damage.  With bigger kids around now too there seems to be a particular affinity for the permanent kind.  Those lids should be child-proof.

Taking the diaper off.
No matter what kind of diaper my toddlers always eventually master taking it off.  Disposable, applix cloth, snaps, prefold and snappi, even diaper pins, my toddlers are diaper Houdinis.  Dirty or clean, if given the chance they will get it off and are guaranteed to run from me once the situation is discovered, more often than I care to admit running right through some #2 and leaving their mark everywhere.

Getting undressed.
For a while as long as there is clothing covering their diaper my toddlers forget about their magic trick of escaping the poop trap.  Then comes the fateful day when they realize they can take their clothes off BY THEMSELVES!  With my first born I clapped and cheered for this new milestone thinking of her blooming independence but those days are long gone now.  I just had no idea.  In a flash the child that I had ready to walk out the door is naked, clothes scattered, and shoes hidden all in the time it took me to grab my purse and keys.  Running around as though they’ve been craving fresh air on their private parts for decades, they squeal with delight while I sigh in exasperation.  It’s not like they go naked almost all day every day inside as it is.  I’ve given up on keeping clothes on them if we’re staying in, there’s no point, they’re just going to take it off anyway.

Getting ME undressed.
Because I’m *cough* “still” *cough* breastfeeding my children when they are toddlers they enjoy learning how to get to my breasts, on their own if need be.  It always puzzles me, have I not been responding to their requests to breastfeed easily and readily for the past many months?  Why suddenly do they need to alert me to their desire to breastfeed by taking it upon themselves to physically undress me?  Dear sweet child of mine, I am perfectly capable and willing to get my breast out for you to feed but we’re going to have some boundaries here and work on developing some breastfeeding manners, ok?  Trying to pull my shirt over my head as the first sign that you want to nurse is a bit rude.  Funny, yes.  The first time.  Maybe even the second.  But by the 115th time I’m not amused.  So here’s the deal, sign milk or ask for “bobbies” and it’s all yours but getting the boob out is left to me, mmmkay?

 

Thankfully we usually survive the toddler stage just fine with only a few less hairs on my head and my blood pressure only slightly more elevated than normal.  Reminding myself that it’s normal and actually a positive for them to explore and make messes helps me keep it all in focus.  Sometimes.  Besides, before I know it we’re into the stage where they can forcefully articulate why they want to do something and quite succinctly: “Because I want to!”

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What are some of your favorite toddler skills?

How have your toddlers kept you on your toes and how have you survived the challenge?

 

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this moment- Smunchie, a Beco and her baby

{this moment} – A Friday ritual from Soule Mama, one of my favorite bloggers.  A single photo (or two) – no words – capturing a moment from the week.  A simple, special, extraordinary moment.  A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.  If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your “moment” in the comments for all to find and see.

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Our night weaning journey, even more questions answered.

After Dreaming about sleep for years, The Piano Man and I decided to try Dr. Gordon’s method for sleep changes and the family bed and blog about it.  You can read about night 1 night 2 night 3 night 4 night 5, night 6night 7 and the one month update.  I also answered one round of questions about our experience here and a second round here.

 

Originally I tried to answer all your questions in one post but it was too darn long, you can find more questions here.  Much too long for sleep deprived people to read any way.  So I broke it into two parts.  I need to make it clear, I am not an expert, not a doctor, and have no background that qualifies me as an authority on the subject.  All I have is my experience as a mom and what I’ve learned along the way.  I’m happy to share my opinion with you but please keep in mind it is just that, my opinion and based on my own personal experience.

 

What do you do if baby just screams bloody murder when DF/DH/partner goes in to settle them? Do u finally give in and give em the b@@b?

First I would try to sooth them without the breast but with cuddling with me.  Sometimes I think it works great to have the non-breastfeeding partner to do the soothing when night weaning.  Other times I think the child becomes confused, not only do they not get to breastfeed, they don’t get their mommy.  There is a significant bond between mother and child and that bond still needs to be honored.  Smunchie still wants me at night, even if it’s me without the bobbies.  Honestly, I think being denied access to the mother could be traumatizing if her presence is truly what the child needs.

If that still didn’t work and if the crying crossed the line of what I can comfortably accept as just expressing anger into feeling abandoned or betrayed then I would nurse.  I would do so because I would have to consider that my child is responding this way simply because they are not ready to night wean.  In Dr. Gordon’s plan he warns that there may be a few nights that are really rough but by this point most parents would be doing this they would know the difference between angry cry and totally confused, scared cry.

 

Could you have coped with this method on your own, or do you think it worked so well because you had the help of your husband on the *worst* nights? (Single mother here, trying to work out how best to go about on my own)

Yes, I do think it would have worked on my own.  There were a few nights that I did it completely on my own because Squiggle Bug needed The Piano Man.  The hardest part for me on my own was staying awake enough to follow through with the plan and not just nurse so I could try to sleep.

 

Do you regret not night weaning sooner? Also, sometimes my 12mo will wake up and be up for 1.5-2 hours at time. Does night weaning help with this problem also?

Part of me wishes we had tried it sooner but only because I was feeling so incredibly burned out as a parent and getting sick of breastfeeding.  Those feeling have completely lifted with the night weaning, not that I always love breastfeeding but I am enjoying it more and can relax to be more in the moment.  However, I’m not convinced that earlier would have been right for Smunchie and would not have ended well.  So I don’t regret the decision to wait until I felt she was ready.  Yes, the night weaning has helped with the extended night waking/play time thing too.

 

Not sure if you could answer this one, but I was wondering what age would a baby/toddler wean himself the night nursing, if the parents are not actively trying to encourage him/her to stop nursing in the night.  I have a 11 months old that wakes up 6-7 times a night, to nurse, If i do not nurse her she is crying in a very panicky/distress way.  We co-sleep and we do get our rest for the time being, but would be nice to have a bit of a perspective.

Usually between 2-4 years old if it’s on their own.

 

I’m curious how you arrange the sleeping surfaces in your bedroom?

I don’t have any pictures of my bedroom or I’d show you.  It’s a tiny room with not a lot of room once the bed is in there.  Our queen-sized bed is against one wall with Smunchie’s pack-n-play directly across from it against the opposite wall about 2 feet from the end of our bed.  That’s usually where she starts out and stays until her morning waking any more but when she was waking she’d end up in bed with me.  Often, even still, The Piano Man ends up in Squiggle Bug’s room sleeping with her as she still wakes during the night.

 

What foods do you offer that you think help with more sleep/less waking?  Sometimes I wonder if dinner wasn’t substantial enough when my 11 mo old wakes in the middle of the night.  Why almond milk? i’m feeling the pressure to start cow’s milk but I, myself, don’t drink cow’s milk so I’m hesitant to offer it.

We go for high calorie, high fat and high protein foods in the evening. Rice and beans are a favorite with some avocado, Greek yogurt, meat (providing Smunchie will eat it, often she won’t), nut butters, cheese, quinoa (she LOVES this), eggs, veggies in a “cream” sauce (we use Greek yogurt for that usually), hummus (I make several varieties including traditional, black bean, white kidney bean, etc.) avocado with anything, and almond milk. As to why almond milk, we’re an omnivore family but Smunchie doesn’t like cow or any other mammal milk but mine but she loves almond milk. I like that it is a good source of protein and is yummy. Since we have no nut allergies in my family I don’t have to worry about giving my kids nuts after 12 months.

We offer a cup of water usually with her meals and she drinks almond milk because she doesn’t like any other milk. Smunchie still nurses often, several times a day. She’ll continue for a long time still, a couple of times a day I’ll offer her a cup of water and in the evening she gets a cup of almond milk as we read stories. But it doesn’t replace me, not by a long shot, she wants to nurse often!

 

What’s your bed time routine for Smunchie?  How do you get her to go down without breastfeeding her to sleep?

Because I have older kids or used to be on-call to attend births I always felt like I had to be sure my babies could go down without the breast.  Here’s what works for us.   Around 7.15-7.30 or even 7.15-8.30 (flexibility is crucial in our family, the reality of having older children with activities) we start getting ready.  A story or two (usually French selections daddy reads) with Smunchie and Squiggle Bug on the couch while Squiggle Bug drinks a cup of milk and Smunchie a cup of almond milk.  Then brushing teeth and getting into pajamas.  After giving good night kisses to the entire family we split up, The Piano Man taking Squiggle Bug and Smunchie is with me.  On night’s that he’s working I work it out on my own.  I nurse Smunchie for a bit while reading to her but I haven’t let her fall asleep consistently on the breast for a long time now so when she’s done she sits up and we read a few more books.  Then I say a little prayer with her, we snuggle, I start singing something and stand up, she hands me everything she wants in bed with her (usually a couple cooks, her lovey and her doll and sometimes random things like shoes), I lay those down and then she reaches for me.  We stand just outside her bed hugging while I continue to sing and then I lay her down.  I stay in the room singing for a bit until I can hear her settling and then I tell her good night and slip out.

 

I can’t stress enough that being flexible and figuring out what works for your family, not following a set schedule of what someone has predetermined your child should be doing at what age is crucial for the night weaning experience to be free from trauma.  Please don’t take what I’ve shared as what has to work for everyone.  Thank you for letting me share our journey with you.

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