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Parenting and Flexibility and Boundaries- more than surviving

November 26, 2012 By

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wall stretch, wall split

My eldest daughter can sleep sitting up, folded in half.  With her flexibility, her stretching classes for ballet offer very little challenge and her instructors are regularly encouraging to explore her limits further to find where she is challenged.  And so she does with oversplits and wall stretches and more.  But with flexibility comes the safety of boundaries.  A couple months ago Earth Baby injured her back by not respecting her own boundaries and in search of a challenge pushed her limits a little too far.  The consequence was a back worn out and unable to maintain her usual level of dance.  Rest and alternating heat/ice were prescribed along with arnica oil massages, baths, and very careful stretching.  It took her young body about a week to heal to a point where she could begin dancing again and in ballet a week is a very long time.  Particularly in the critical fall casting season.

Like Earth Baby, I have been growing in the areas of flexibility and boundaries, suffering consequences of putting one above the other along the way.  Nothing has developed these more in me than parenting.  Just as wanting to develop patience means more opportunities to practice patience, flexibility and boundaries become more tangible when we are aware of our need for them.  Children act as a magnifying glass on that need.

With breastfeeding we start out feeding on demand, their itty bitty tummies no bigger than a small marble or chic pea, they need food when they need food.  The relationship of milk supply and the infant suckling at the breast is so tied together that flexibility in being able to respond to our baby’s needs can have a critical impact on not only their immediate growth but future milk supply as well.  Recognizing normal infant behavior, we are the ones in the position to be flexible in order to meet our new baby’s needs.  But as time goes by, after that first year while flexibility is still important in our relationship with our child but lest we be pushed too far and become worn out, some boundaries may need to be put in place.  With supply firmly established and many successful feeding sessions under the belt, a toddler can not only handle but benefit from appropriate boundaries in the breastfeeding relationship.  Waiting a few minutes for mommy to finish the task she was working on when they wanted to breastfeed (such as dinner for the rest of the family, my toddlers always want to breastfeed when I’m making dinner), not permitting certain behaviors at the breast (pinching is a no go for me, I will not be pinched), or expecting a certain level of attention while at the breast (play time is play time, feeding time is feeding time, etc.) can not only save mommy’s sanity, it can begin to introduce boundaries as a part of a healthy, loving relationship.  A lesson I struggled to understand until well into my adulthood.

Western culture seems to be a little polarized regarding flexibility and boundaries in parenting, emphasizing one over the other as either good or bad parenting. In my experience the truth is we need both, flexibility and boundaries.  One without the other leads to either burn out or rigidity.  As a parent, flexibility helps me not only get through the hiccups that inevitably happen to my plans with having children, but enables me to enjoy the detours I discover with them.  With six children ages 7 months to 14 years, we all benefit from being able to go with the flow and adapting in order to be sure everyone’s needs are meet.  Boundaries are so important with our children, by modeling boundaries for myself in my relationship with my child at a developmentally appropriate stage, I’m helping her establish her own boundaries.  By being open and available to her with those boundaries in place, I have seen my children develop confidence that boundaries are a part of love and they are not insecure when they experience boundaries in other situations.  WIth age appropriate boundaries, it also encourages me when I feel my flexibility is becoming brittle and I’m wearing down because I know that there is a new stage coming where they will be capable of respecting new boundaries.

At 4 years old, Squiggle Bug is learning a lot about respecting other people’s boundaries in her relationship with her littlest sister.  A common phrase to hear in our house right now is “respect her boundaries please, does she need space?”  Increasingly I don’t even have to ask the question and after loving on her little sister, hearing a bit of a fuss, Squiggle Bug will back away saying “space, here’s some space.  I’m respecting your boundaries!”  Nine year old Lollie has discovered the importance of retreating to her room when she needs to clear her head and find some quiet admits the regular flow of energetic chatter that fills our home.  And I know that I’m better at being flexible the rest of the day if I ensure a 45 – 60 minute quiet time happens every day.  Boundaries are the fuel for my flexibility.

But perhaps most important are the boundaries and flexibility we have for ourselves.  In talking about boundaries and flexibility with my friend Sue, she shared: “Honestly, it was and is the most challenging thing to be flexible with myself, to give myself grace when I don’t measure up.  Other people’s expectations I can usually blow off, what do they know about me, but allowing myself the ability to fail without completely eviscerating myself in my thoughts- that’s hard.”  I can relate.

itti bitti cloth diaper

Sugarbaby in an itti bitti cloth diaper

After making the decision that we would cloth diaper I felt very strongly that we would never use a disposable diaper again.  So when a trip that would be impossible to do with cloth came about I tried so hard to make it work.  Flexibility to adjust as needed and boundaries about what I’d actually be able to do eventually won out but not without some self abuse that I wasn’t achieving my goals.  When I realized that I was not behaving in a way i would want for my children I had to relax and accept this new, temporary reality by using flexibility to help me respect my own boundaries.  Being flexible and adapting as the need arises is not a sign of failure or weakness, my family and I all benefit when I’m able to let myself adapt to respond to my children’s needs.  Neither is having boundaries any kind of failure, respecting my needs gives my family and me opportunities to grow.

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 Do you find the need for flexibility and boundaries?  How does this impact your parenting?  What examples of flexibility and boundaries have you experienced?  Do you find it more more challenging to be flexible and have boundaries in relating with others, your children, or yourself?  

How would you like to grow in these areas?

 

 

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Breastfeeding: a Piece of the Larger Puzzle

April 30, 2012 By
 by Christie Haskell

image credit: flickr user ned the head

I’m sitting outside, laptop on a picnic table, watching my almost-3 year old daughter run around, play in dirt, draw on the patio with chalk and talking to the neighbor girls through the fence. Little things that seem menial mean so much to her. A robin landing on the ground to eat fallen crabapples fascinates her, and has created a whole interest in birds, of which she can now identify many. Childhood, the large and small parts, is so important for the framework that determines who our kids become as adults.

We let them play in dirt because it’s not harmful, it’s fun, and we know it’s good for their immune systems.

We let them explore as much as we can so they can learn about their environment, but still pull them back before they can do something that would really injure them so they can learn to explore, but safely.

We allow them treats because life is supposed to be about enjoyment, and a popsicle on a hot day is one of those things that makes childhood wonderful, but we also give them healthy meals because it’s important for their bodies to grow strong, their immune systems to function and for their lives.

I think it’s fair to say all of those things are true, yes? But it’s funny to me, because when discussions about certainly parenting choices arise, it’s inevitable that at some point, someone will say something like:

“In fifteen years, if you walked into their classroom, you would have no idea who was breastfed and who wasn’t.”

That’s true, of course. I can’t look around at teens and say, “Yup, nursed. Not nursed. Supplemented for two months.” No way. It’s not like breastfeeding or formula feeding creates purple kids and orange kids. However, it’s the sentiment behind it – that your choices when they’re children don’t matter – that is inherently flawed. Just like the examples I gave above, we know that the things we do for our children whether they’re newborns, toddlers, in elementary school or teenagers has an effect on them in the future. If it didn’t, why would we bother?

Some people eat junk food and stay thin and don’t have vitamin deficiencies, but that’s certainly not something you count on. We are safe to assume that a child is going to be healthier, stronger, grow to a better potential and even do better in school when they have a breakfast of eggs anf fresh fruit than a bowl of Cocoa Puffs every morning, or a dinner of baked eggplant parmesan instead of McDonald’s. In fact, it’s not just safe to assume, it’s kind of common knowledge and no one in their right mind would argue that the child eating unhealthily is better off than the other child, or that it would have no affect on the child’s future health or day-to-day function.

image credit: flickr user clogsilk

So, why when the discussion turns around to breastfeeding, is this truth, that their diet and bodies affect them both at the moment and long-term, suddenly dismissed?

No, I can’t walk into a high school classroom and tell you who is breastfed or who was formula fed or any combination of the two. I would never presume to be able to. However, what is true is that if you broke the children up into groups, of those with illnesses, allergies, those who were overweight or missed school often from weaker immune systems, you’re likely to find some similarities there.

I’m not saying the healthy kids would all be breastfed, not at all. I’m saying that you’re more likely to find that the healthier groups have families who eat healthy, are more active, and yes, ALSO that the children were more likely to be breastfed. I’m sure you’d find some exclusively formula-fed children whose families eat healthy there as well, because we all know it’s not just breastfeeding or just diet or just genetics, but a combination of everything, a bunch of little puzzle pieces that make up the whole picture that is your child.

We accept that there are certain ways to raise children that promote health more than others, and breastfeeding is no exception to that.

No, again, I can’t walk into a classroom and single out the breastfed children, however that may be the puzzle piece that makes the difference between which group of children your child stands in. When you put together a puzzle, you work hard to put every single piece in the right place. You wouldn’t get rid of some of the pieces that are harder to fit, because who knows if that one piece is actually a very important part of the final picture? Children are just the same – we can’t claim on one hand that healthy diets for children create healthy habits and healthy adults, and on the other hand say it doesn’t matter if you breastfeed because no one will be able to tell.

It’s not what people can see from the outside that matters anyway – I also couldn’t walk in and tell you which child has been raised as a homophobe or which one kicks his dog when he’s mad. Each puzzle piece that makes up your child is unique, is important, and deserves your best effort to put in the right spot so the final picture is as healthy, as happy, and as good as you can possibly make it.

 

 Christie Haskell is a writer, coffee addict, and mother to two adorable, hilarious and exhausting  children. She has written for CafeMom’s The Stir, Daily Momtra, Attachment Parenting International and Brio Birth, where she currently now tells other writers what to do as well. She’s a  huge car seat advocate after her own traumatic accident as a teen, and babbles endlessly about babies,  birth, breastfeeding, boycotting (Nestle) and other crunchy things that don’t start with a P.  Find her on Facebook here.
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Our night weaning journey, even more questions answered.

August 17, 2011 By

After Dreaming about sleep for years, The Piano Man and I decided to try Dr. Gordon’s method for sleep changes and the family bed and blog about it.  You can read about night 1,  night 2,  night 3,  night 4,  night 5, night 6, night 7 and the one month update.  I also answered one round of questions about our experience here and a second round here.

 

Originally I tried to answer all your questions in one post but it was too darn long, you can find more questions here.  Much too long for sleep deprived people to read any way.  So I broke it into two parts.  I need to make it clear, I am not an expert, not a doctor, and have no background that qualifies me as an authority on the subject.  All I have is my experience as a mom and what I’ve learned along the way.  I’m happy to share my opinion with you but please keep in mind it is just that, my opinion and based on my own personal experience.

 

What do you do if baby just screams bloody murder when DF/DH/partner goes in to settle them? Do u finally give in and give em the b@@b?

First I would try to sooth them without the breast but with cuddling with me.  Sometimes I think it works great to have the non-breastfeeding partner to do the soothing when night weaning.  Other times I think the child becomes confused, not only do they not get to breastfeed, they don’t get their mommy.  There is a significant bond between mother and child and that bond still needs to be honored.  Smunchie still wants me at night, even if it’s me without the bobbies.  Honestly, I think being denied access to the mother could be traumatizing if her presence is truly what the child needs.

If that still didn’t work and if the crying crossed the line of what I can comfortably accept as just expressing anger into feeling abandoned or betrayed then I would nurse.  I would do so because I would have to consider that my child is responding this way simply because they are not ready to night wean.  In Dr. Gordon’s plan he warns that there may be a few nights that are really rough but by this point most parents would be doing this they would know the difference between angry cry and totally confused, scared cry.

 

Could you have coped with this method on your own, or do you think it worked so well because you had the help of your husband on the *worst* nights? (Single mother here, trying to work out how best to go about on my own)

Yes, I do think it would have worked on my own.  There were a few nights that I did it completely on my own because Squiggle Bug needed The Piano Man.  The hardest part for me on my own was staying awake enough to follow through with the plan and not just nurse so I could try to sleep.

 

Do you regret not night weaning sooner? Also, sometimes my 12mo will wake up and be up for 1.5-2 hours at time. Does night weaning help with this problem also?

Part of me wishes we had tried it sooner but only because I was feeling so incredibly burned out as a parent and getting sick of breastfeeding.  Those feeling have completely lifted with the night weaning, not that I always love breastfeeding but I am enjoying it more and can relax to be more in the moment.  However, I’m not convinced that earlier would have been right for Smunchie and would not have ended well.  So I don’t regret the decision to wait until I felt she was ready.  Yes, the night weaning has helped with the extended night waking/play time thing too.

 

Not sure if you could answer this one, but I was wondering what age would a baby/toddler wean himself the night nursing, if the parents are not actively trying to encourage him/her to stop nursing in the night.  I have a 11 months old that wakes up 6-7 times a night, to nurse, If i do not nurse her she is crying in a very panicky/distress way.  We co-sleep and we do get our rest for the time being, but would be nice to have a bit of a perspective.

Usually between 2-4 years old if it’s on their own.

 

I’m curious how you arrange the sleeping surfaces in your bedroom?

I don’t have any pictures of my bedroom or I’d show you.  It’s a tiny room with not a lot of room once the bed is in there.  Our queen-sized bed is against one wall with Smunchie’s pack-n-play directly across from it against the opposite wall about 2 feet from the end of our bed.  That’s usually where she starts out and stays until her morning waking any more but when she was waking she’d end up in bed with me.  Often, even still, The Piano Man ends up in Squiggle Bug’s room sleeping with her as she still wakes during the night.

 

What foods do you offer that you think help with more sleep/less waking?  Sometimes I wonder if dinner wasn’t substantial enough when my 11 mo old wakes in the middle of the night.  Why almond milk? i’m feeling the pressure to start cow’s milk but I, myself, don’t drink cow’s milk so I’m hesitant to offer it.

We go for high calorie, high fat and high protein foods in the evening. Rice and beans are a favorite with some avocado, Greek yogurt, meat (providing Smunchie will eat it, often she won’t), nut butters, cheese, quinoa (she LOVES this), eggs, veggies in a “cream” sauce (we use Greek yogurt for that usually), hummus (I make several varieties including traditional, black bean, white kidney bean, etc.) avocado with anything, and almond milk. As to why almond milk, we’re an omnivore family but Smunchie doesn’t like cow or any other mammal milk but mine but she loves almond milk. I like that it is a good source of protein and is yummy. Since we have no nut allergies in my family I don’t have to worry about giving my kids nuts after 12 months.

We offer a cup of water usually with her meals and she drinks almond milk because she doesn’t like any other milk. Smunchie still nurses often, several times a day. She’ll continue for a long time still, a couple of times a day I’ll offer her a cup of water and in the evening she gets a cup of almond milk as we read stories. But it doesn’t replace me, not by a long shot, she wants to nurse often!

 

What’s your bed time routine for Smunchie?  How do you get her to go down without breastfeeding her to sleep?

Because I have older kids or used to be on-call to attend births I always felt like I had to be sure my babies could go down without the breast.  Here’s what works for us.   Around 7.15-7.30 or even 7.15-8.30 (flexibility is crucial in our family, the reality of having older children with activities) we start getting ready.  A story or two (usually French selections daddy reads) with Smunchie and Squiggle Bug on the couch while Squiggle Bug drinks a cup of milk and Smunchie a cup of almond milk.  Then brushing teeth and getting into pajamas.  After giving good night kisses to the entire family we split up, The Piano Man taking Squiggle Bug and Smunchie is with me.  On night’s that he’s working I work it out on my own.  I nurse Smunchie for a bit while reading to her but I haven’t let her fall asleep consistently on the breast for a long time now so when she’s done she sits up and we read a few more books.  Then I say a little prayer with her, we snuggle, I start singing something and stand up, she hands me everything she wants in bed with her (usually a couple cooks, her lovey and her doll and sometimes random things like shoes), I lay those down and then she reaches for me.  We stand just outside her bed hugging while I continue to sing and then I lay her down.  I stay in the room singing for a bit until I can hear her settling and then I tell her good night and slip out.

 

I can’t stress enough that being flexible and figuring out what works for your family, not following a set schedule of what someone has predetermined your child should be doing at what age is crucial for the night weaning experience to be free from trauma.  Please don’t take what I’ve shared as what has to work for everyone.  Thank you for letting me share our journey with you.

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Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding and sleep, Jessica, motherhood, New article, nursing, Parenting, sleep through the night, toddler, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Our night weaning journey, more questions answered

August 17, 2011 By

After Dreaming about sleep for years, The Piano Man and I decided to try Dr. Gordon’s method for sleep changes and the family bed and blog about it.  You can read about night 1,  night 2,  night 3,  night 4,  night 5, night 6, night 7 and the one month update.  I also answered one round of questions about our experience here.

Ah… she sleeps.
Between the Facebook page, comments on the night weaning journey blog posts and emails I received quite a few questions about our night weaning experience.  I need to make it clear, I am not an expert, not a doctor, and have no background that qualifies me as an authority on the subject.  All I have is my experience as a mom and what I’ve learned along the way.  I’m happy to share my opinion with you but please keep in mind it is just that, my opinion and based on my own personal experience.  There were several questions so I’ve broken them up into two parts (you can find the second part here) in addition to the first round of questions I answered a month ago.  I hope you find these helpful.

 

When is a good time to start thinking about night weaning and moving baby into their own sleep space? How do you go about it? How do you know if they’re ready?

I really think the answer to this is very unique to each family and each baby.  If by own sleep space you mean their own room I’m really not sure.  We’ve done it different every time but what I have noticed is that when the child is ready they will a) do it on their own and b) it won’t be a struggle.  We’ve had difficult transitions and easy transitions.  Now though it’s kind of easy, nobody in our family is in their own room, everybody shares.  When the transition happens they get to be with a big sister, which they usually think is pretty cool.  At 3 years old Squiggle Bug still comes and finds us though, she’s in our bed more than Smunchie is actually.  She just has a higher need to be close to someone at night.  Sometimes she seeks out a sister but usually she prefers her daddy.  We’ve felt that they are ready when they are sleeping well, enjoy the bedtime routine, like the idea of their own space, and seem to be exerting their independence a little more.

 

How do you night wean when your baby doesn’t take a bottle at all! Only uses norma cups or a straw!

Smunchie doesn’t use a bottle and she doesn’t really care for sippy cups either.  She does, however, love regular cups.  What I do is let her take a drink from the glass of water I have by my bed every night if she seems thirsty when she wakes.  We just sit on the bed together and I help her hold the cup steady while she guides it to her mouth to drink.  It works great for us.  If thirst is what woke her up she will settle quickly after that.

 

What are some cues that your baby maybe ready for night time weaning (currently 9 mos and night nursing 3-4 times)?

Studies have shown that babies under 12 months still need to wake often to eat both for nutrition and for safety in their sleep cycle.  So I don’t look for any signs of readiness before 12 months.  After the one year mark though any combination of these may be signs of readiness to night wean:

  • Seems tired and grumpy during the day.
  • Eats well (solids and breast milk) during the day.
  • Has moved through some of the major milestones such as walking.
  • Does NOT have intense separation anxiety.
  • Is not actively teething or sick.
  • Seems frustrated and restless at night at the breast
  • Wakes to nurse but falls quickly back to sleep without really eating.
  • Shows basic understanding to phrases like “all done.”
  • Shows interest and awareness in bed time routines and day time vs. night time.
  • May play putting toys to bed.
  • Responds to soothing other than breastfeeding (i.e. rocking, singing, back rubs, etc.)

I think night weaning is most successful if the child is truly ready for it, please don’t expect that just because your child is over a year they will be ready to night wean.  If it is a giant struggle or at any time the parents feel this is all wrong and not what they want to be doing then they should stop.  It is possible that a child won’t be ready one month but will be the next.  Remaining flexible is perhaps the most important key to night weaning.  Maybe all of parenting actually.

 

Help! I’m tandem feeding and can’t cope ending 2 children at night. My 21/2 year old is up for 1-4 hours 4 out of 5 nights! How do I night wean her gently?

I recommend Dr. Jay Gordon’s technique or The No Cry Sleep Solution.  I’ve used both and found them to both be helpful.  To help prepare for the transition, work on establishing a home rhythm or routine, particularly for going to bed.  It doesn’t have to be a strict schedule, just a regular pattern to your days.  I also highly recommend reading the book Nursie’s When The Sun Shines to read with her.  For gentle night weaning keep it mind that what makes it gentle is you continuing to be available, just not offering the breast.

 

How have you and The Piano Man adjusted to the night weaning? Was it harder or easier (emotionally speaking) than you thought? Would you use that method again?

The first few nights she slept completely through the night I would wake often, like my body was just programmed to wake up several times.  I adjusted pretty quickly though and one reason I think we were ready was that I didn’t get engorged through the process, was able to pump but not overflowing.  The Piano Man did fine though he’s still getting up at least once a night with Squiggle Bug (he’s her night time parent of choice, I suspect because I was often nursing Smunchie when she’d need someone) so we’d still like to get that worked out for his sake.  Emotionally I was very ready though so it wasn’t very hard at all.  I thought it would be and there was a twinge of sadness that this phase is over which makes her seem so much bigger to me now.  But that twinge is nothing compared to the frustration I felt at being so tired that I wasn’t the kind of mother I wanted to be during the day to all of my children.

Yes, I would use this method again.  Simple and easy to follow while still maintaining that night time parenting availability we are committed to.

 

I need to night wean my 18 month old! He is only nursing at night and it’s just to fall back asleep. Less than 5 minutes but can be up to 4x a night! I am due in Nov with #2 and don’t want to nurse the two together. Is that bad…?

Nope, it’s not bad.  If you are comfortable with it, if it’s working for you and your family then no need to change.  There is no rule that says you have to night wean or ruin your child.  If it’s not working for you then work to change it.  Maybe try night weaning sooner rather than later though, just so your son doesn’t blame the baby for the change.  Be prepared too, there could be a regression in other areas after his sibling arrives.  That’s not a bad thing, just part of processing the added element in his environment.  Another idea would be to wait until you’ve actually tried it with both, you may not mind it as much as you think.  It’s important to remember that you won’t be pregnant any more so the frustration and feelings you may be experiencing now could change.  Whatever you decide to do though try to remain flexible and enjoy the journey.  Do what is right for your family.

 

How did you transition Smunchie from your bed to her own? Did you feel like you were missing something? Or was it more of a relief that you got your bed back and sleep? I’m a SAHM with only one 16 month old. I’ve tried putting DD in her own bed which is right next to mine but I find I actually sleep less.

Five for five now, I sleep better when they aren’t in bed with me.  Every body is different and some love sleeping with their babies, others don’t mind and some of us can’t stand it.  I’m the last sort.  I do it because I believe it’s what she needs and there are moments when I love it.  They’re brief moments.  But that’s ok, I don’t mind.  There are plenty of other parenting responsibilities I don’t like either but I’m going to keep doing them for the safety and well being of my child.  I started the transition when she was still an infant by laying her down during naps.  It was no problem to just extend that to night sleeping as well.

 

My DD is 10 weeks old and has slept through the night since 1-2 weeks old. No matter what I did to wake her up at night to eat she would cry and “yell” at me and go right back to sleep refused to nurse for more than a min or two. She still sleeps through the night for a good solid 6 hrs but she sleeps in a cradle next to my bed. What is the best way to transition her to her crib?

Personally, I’d keep her in your room.  In your room in her crib or cradle doesn’t matter.  There are some major changes coming up that will completely change how she sleeps at night and not only will it be easier to meet her needs during those times if she’s still in her room, you’ll be able to do so sooner which will go a long way in helping her feel safe and secure.  Plus, hopefully actually get more sleep.  As to how, we always tried transitioning at nap time first.  Lay her down in her crib after following all the same routine you already do getting ready for naps.  Stay close by so you can comfort her easily if need be.  She may not even notice.

 

Have you noticed an increase in day nursing? We’re 3 weeks into night weaning and it seems like DD can’t get enough during the day.

Yep.  Specially in the morning.  Smunchie now wakes up around 7.30am (except for the last week, she’s started favoring the 6am hour) and cuddles in bed to nurse.  It’s usually a long session.  Then we get up, do our morning thing and within 20 minutes she wants me to sit and nurse her again.  Another long one.  Then breakfast with the family and almost without fail another boob session following the family meal.  After that she doesn’t nurse again for a while, usually around nap time.

 

I can’t stress enough that being flexible and figuring out what works for your family, not following a set schedule of what someone has predetermined your child should be doing at what age is crucial for the night weaning experience to be free from trauma.  Please don’t take what I’ve shared as what has to work for everyone.

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Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding and sleep, Featured, Jessica, motherhood, Parenting, sleep through the night, toddler, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Sleep is the bomb. One month night weaning update.

August 17, 2011 By

After Dreaming about sleep for years, The Piano Man and I decided to try Dr. Gordon’s method for sleep changes and the family bed and blog about it.  You can read about night 1,  night 2,  night 3,  night 4,  night 5, night 6, and night 7.  I also answered one round of questions about our experience here.

 


It’s been a month since our night weaning journey.  So where are we now?  Zombie parents?  Or happy shiny, awake parents?

Night weaning 18 month old Smunchie turned out to be a very good idea for our family.

Night weaning 18 month old Smunchie right before a 2 week road thrip?  Risky.

When we decided to give night weaning a try using Dr. Jay Gordon’s method of night weaning it came out of a desperate necessity to increase the amount of sleep we were getting.  The timing was little more than reaching the end of our rope just as we felt that Smunchie was showing signs of being ready to give up her bobbies at night.  As we began planning to follow Dr. Gordon’s strategy I hoped it would mean that before we left for a 2 week driving vacation across the midwestern United States The Piano Man and I would be able to get enough sleep to not make driving any riskier than it need to be.

It worked, we actually hit the road feeling well rested and Smunchie sleeping anywhere between 8-11 hours each night.

This part of the plan was great, being rested before going on a 2 week cross-country driving trip?  Yes please.

But I was concerned.  I know big changes to a toddler’s routine can throw everything into a tailspin and everything from eating to sleeping could become unpredictable.  Sleeping in a different place most nights, meeting lots of new people, hiking, long days on the road, and all kinds of variables outside our control definitely count as big changes to Smunchie’s routine.  I was concerned that our recent night weaning would become completely undone and we’d be saying “well, she WAS night weaned but now…”

This part of the plan was about as brilliant as those polar bear swims they do in places that freeze in January.  Could be fun and life changing but most likely is just going to kill something you’d actually like to keep on your body.

I had no need to worry though.  Smunchie rolled with the punches and though she developed an amazing ability to transform into one angry flailing octopus any time we headed toward her car seat, sleep was something she approached as a familiar friend.  Hotel room, friends house, sharing a bed with her sisters, on a fold out with The Piano Man and I, in a friend’s Pack-N-Play or even on a palette on the floor she slept.  Which meant we all slept.  Which meant we all actually enjoyed the trip and had more to talk about than “all I really remember is nights of crying and being really tired…”

(Which is why this post is punctuated by random hipstamatic pics from our trip.  That way I can just tell my mom to check the blog to see pics of our trip.  Enjoy!)

Being well rested probably suited the diabolical plans she was concocting to destroy her car seat.  Thankfully, she couldn’t execute them just yet.  I’m hoping the seat has a few more years before she exacts her revenge.  I’m pretty sure I heard her talking in her sleep in the hotel one night, something about “seat… no, no, nooooo!.. go away… poop… chocolate… big sister…”  This could end badly.

We’ve been home for a couple of weeks now and Smunchie is still sleeping through the night without nursing.  She’s recently started having occasional wakings that seem like she’s had a nightmare but a cuddle and gently whispered encouragement and she’s back out in no time.  If she does require something more we’re at a place where we aren’t so drained that we can’t be completely present with her.  The couple of nights she’s had a rough time for some reason I have been able to handle well, more aware.

Some observations since night weaning Smunchie:

  • Random hugs.  Instead of wanting to nurse every time she sees me sometimes she’s satisfied just to get a big squeeze and run off to the really fun stuff in life.
  • When she does want some boob time though it’s a longer, more focused and more real feeling feeding.  And I enjoy it more.
  • It could be coincidence or it could be related but she’s developed a lot more personality and suddenly reached some social milestones almost over night.  I suspect better sleep for her has something to do with this.
  • When she wakes up in the morning she is really, really up.  She’s well rested and ready to get rocking and rolling.  Which is kind of irritating me since she’s decided she’s wide awake at 6am lately.  She’ll play in her bed sometimes but thankfully Lolie is also an early riser so the 2 of them go off to play together in the living room and I snooze for another 45 minutes or so.
  • More often she wants to nurse to sleep at night but then doesn’t ask for it again if she does happen to wake during the night.  I’ve been stopping her with “bobbies all done” when I can tell she’s going to fall asleep and sometimes she complains about that but usually it goes well and she’s clearly ready to go to her bed.
  • I still can’t get over how I feel.  My back pain has diminished to almost none, my fatigue is also mostly gone (except when I stay up too late doing my own thing- such as writing this post, can only blame myself for that!), and my energy level is way up.  It’s great.  With all of this I’m so much more the parent and partner I’ve wanted to be for so long but struggled with just because of sheer exhaustion.
  • I shower more regularly.  Seriously, I really do.  I also actually get dressed, more than the yoga pants t-shirt look.  I’m even wearing jewelry again AND cute shoes.
  • My productivity and my fun-mom-energy has been great.  Not perfect but I never will be, I can live with improved.
  • Patience is a virtue.  And one directly linked to sleep for me.  There’s more to it than that but all my girls have noticed.  I’m more patient with them, with myself and with the thousands of drivers in Houston that oddly enough don’t have working turn signals or at least don’t know how to use them.

Right before we decided to night wean I was struggling often with feeling like I hated breastfeeding.  Me, The Leaky Boob hating breastfeeding?  Yep.  This admission, even just to myself, was a bit horrifying.  However, it was there and I had to examine why.  Within a week of Smunchie being night weaned that feeling was completely gone and though I’ll never completely love breastfeeding (I’ve shared that before) I am enjoying it much more now and am ok with going on for a good while longer.

So all in all this night weaning experience worked very well for us.  I’m glad we waited until we felt the time was right and I’m beyond thrilled Smunchie agreed.  We’re no longer zombie parents, at least not most of the time.  I’m pretty much a happy, shiny awake parent now and it’s been loads of fun.  In the time since we night weaned not only did we travel for 2 week but we raised a whole batch of frog eggs all the way through, made numerous batches of play dough, had loads of living room dance parties, done special outings, seen a couple of movies at the theater, gone on bike rides, played in the sprinkler, spent hours coloring with sidewalk chalk, taught Lolie how to knit, gotten most of us back into knitting (turning fall-ward I think), had more dates with The Piano Man and… probably way TMI… I’ve had a whole lot more sex and it’s the really good kind too.

This sleeping thing?  Yeah, it’s the bomb.

 

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Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding and sleep, family, Featured, Jessica, motherhood, Parenting, sleep through the night, toddler Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Our Night Weaning Journey,Your Questions Answered

July 13, 2011 By

After Dreaming about sleep for years, The Piano Man and I decided to try Dr. Gordon’s method for sleep changes and the family bed and blog about it.  You can read about night 1, night 2, night 3, night 4, night 5, night 6, and night 7.

The last two nights Smunchie has slept 11 hours straight.  Yesterday I felt like a new woman.  As we’ve been sharing this journey I’ve been asked several questions so I thought I’d take some time to answer them all at once.  The questions range from the very practical (i.e. what’s your bed time routine) to more about our parenting approach or why we decided to do XYZ.  I am not a doctor or any sort of expert on any of this, all I am doing is sharing our choices as parents and why.  It is up to you to make as informed of a choice as you can for what will work best for your family.  I have included links that I think may be helpful to your research as they were to ours.

Why not put Smunchie in her own room?  Wouldn’t that help, specially if she wakes when you go into the room you share?

With our 3 older girls we did put them in their own room at some point in their first year, usually around 4 months.  However it didn’t really help us get sleep since we had to go to them and they often ended up in our room anyway.  Additionally we are a family of 7 living in a small 3 bedroom house (with one bathroom) and there’s not a room.  Everyone shares sleeping space in our family so it’s really not even an option.

More importantly and why we wouldn’t put her in her own room even if we could is because we don’t want to.  Over the years we’ve changed and learned a lot as parents and we have a better understanding of child development which has led to us making different decisions than we ever expected.  Including decisions related to co-sleeping/bed sharing.  I’ll be honest (always am), I don’t like bed sharing and don’t particularly care for co-sleeping even.  Just another thing in my parenting list I’m not crazy about.  I also don’t like changing diapers and sometimes I hate making meals.  But through research and personal experience The Piano Man and I feel that what our children need is to be with us and us with them, even through the night.  Over the years co-sleeping has started growing on me and I’m starting to enjoy and appreciate the practice more.  The research we’ve done strongly supports co-sleeping and bed sharing.  If you’d like to learn more about the sleep needs of infants and small children, I strongly suggest this very thorough review of co-sleeping by James J. McKenna and Thomas McDade of the University of Notre Dame.  This review may help some to understand better why we choose to co-sleep with our babies.

Wouldn’t it be easier to let her cry it out?

Easier for whom?  Ok, I wasn’t actually asked this question, or at least not so directly, just implied.  I’ve been asked even more direct than that in real life, however so I feel it’s one I should address.  The Piano Man and I feel that cry it out (CIO) or sleep training is not something that would be right for our family.  We tried it, once, 11 years ago, when Earth Baby was about 18 months.  It was traumatic and I believe greatly harmed our relationship, which I share a little bit about in the post I Dream of Sleep.  I know some people swear by it and I have friends that have used this practice and their children seem to have experienced no harm that I can see.  Still, it’s not right for us.  There are concerns about levels of cortisol in a child’s brain when left to cry it out and some associations with attachment disorder related to cry it out methods.  The risk and our own personal experience as well as our philosophy of gentle parenting eliminate CIO entirely as an option for helping us get more sleep.  These concerns have been covered in mainstream news outlets as well as reputable medical journals.  Even without that all it takes is one flashback memory to know I will never do that with my children again.

I don’t understand how you can do this, how can you deny your child her milk and how can she possibly understand?  Why would you ever do that?

It’s so neat to see that people care enough for my family and me to ask even the really hard questions.  I got a few emails and comments on Facebook asking me this and maybe even 1 or 2 on the blog posts, people genuinely concerned that night weaning would be confusing and harmful for Smunchie.  The concern and care is so appreciated and I am touched.  One woman said “…I just feel sad, when I read. I cannot ever imagine denying my babe milk day or night, nor can i think of a reason to try or want to try…I really cannot.”  I shared with her this list of reasons: Because I’ve been so exhausted when I’ve gotten behind the wheel of the car that later I wondered if I shouldn’t have driven. Because I’ve had conversations with my older kids and realized I couldn’t even pay attention long enough to remember what they said. Because my 12 year old some times needs someone to talk to late at night away from her sisters. Because I can’t keep my children prisoners in my house simply because I am lacking the energy to keep up with them and their activities. Because I struggle to get any sleep with a child at the breast and lack of sleep leads to me being irritable and not the kind of parent or partner or really even just the kind of person I want to be. Because with my history of sexual abuse sometimes I start feeling trapped and don’t want to resent my child. Because I have experienced doing things carelessly or dangerously simply because I was too tired to be doing them at all. Because I am educated enough to know that physically she can go 8 hours without additional calories and therefor can experience comfort in other ways. Because I know my child well enough and am and have been tuned in to her needs long enough to be confident enough in my parenting to know she’s ready for this and we have found a way that works for all of us- including her. Because I’m human and know that if things don’t change I will be facing depression stemming from deep fatigue and that is not good for my family. Because I want to remember her toddler time, not just get through it.

I believe Smunchie can understand it because I’m with her and that even more than the breast, I am what she needs. We have each other and she understood before I even did that my breast is not the only way she receives comfort from me. Because she’s not going through this change alone, we are going through it together.  The way we are bringing about this change is mindful of her needs, attentive to her cues, gentle in approach and flexible to modifications.  Together we learn to give and find balance.  And no, I don’t think my 18 month old who can understand sharing a toy with her sister or a bite of her apple with me is too young to understand accepting comfort measures other than what she prefers.

Extended sleep deprivation is dangerous.  There comes a point when one must calculate the risks and I am certain that it was becoming increasingly dangerous for us to continue to try and operate at such a level of fatigue.  I feared for the safety of my children.

How old is Smunchie?  Why now?  Why not younger/older?

Smunchie is 18 months old, born December 28, 2009.

This is going to sound so unscientific: because now felt right.  Unscientific but important.  More and more we were seeing Smunchie seek other forms of comfort besides the breast and respond well to them.  She was also having fits at night that the breast wouldn’t sooth.  We observed that after certain foods offered at dinner she would sleep better with less wakings.  It seemed that she was not in the middle of any major milestone and would have a bit before something new would develop.  And I could tell my fatigue was becoming crippling at best, dangerous at worst with depression seeping into my daily life as a result of my exhaustion even when I forced myself to bed early.  Knowing that physically she could go longer stretches without requiring additional calories as well as being aware that often her suckling at night was not giving her calories, just comfort, I felt confident she could transition to  going without the breast at night.

While I have longed for a good night’s sleep for a very long time, doing so before now would not have been the right time for Smunchie and our family.  I believe she wasn’t ready until now.  In fact, I have found that research supports that before at least 1 year babies are not ready to go the night without waking and there are actually advantages to them waking frequently at night including a lower risk of SIDS.  As much as I would have loved to sleep more before now I do not believe that Smunchie was physically, developmentally and emotionally ready to do so.  If we had waited I’m afraid I would have begun to resent her and we didn’t want to continue the pattern we had begun to establish in our fatigue of not being the kind of parents, partners or people we want to be.

Why use Dr. Gordon’s method and not something else?

Since CIO wasn’t an option for our family there really wasn’t a lot left.  We like the No-Cry Sleep Solution but I was too tired to implement it well or even read the book again.  We did use the No-Cry method with Squiggle Bug and liked it at the time.  I think we would have liked it now too but we were looking for something more simple.  Back with The Storyteller we tried The Baby Whisperer and at the time we kind of liked it.  It was hard though and a little too close to CIO for us so we modified it greatly.  When I read Dr. Gordon’s Sleep, Changing Patterns In The Family Bed I felt that it not only fit our parenting desires but was also something we could manage and The Piano Man agreed.  Simple and compassionate.  I don’t care how great a method is, if it’s too complicated to implement when you’re exhausted then it’s probably not going to work.  I love that Dr. Gordon’s suggestions are not according to some arbitrary age that a child should be sleeping through the night and instead he encourages parents to do what works for their family.  He just shares the tools that can work when and if the family wants to use them.

How have you functioned on so little sleep for so long?  Why do you stay up late?

The sleep patterns of our little ones tend to change every few months so it’s not been the entire time that we’ve been waking every 2 hours or so, just since 12 months and she’s now 18 months so it’s been a 6 month stretch this time.  Before that it was more like 3-4 hours, there was a period with more like 5-6 and other times that it was every 2.  I’ve always been able to function pretty well on less sleep.  My natural rhythm is, unfortunately, out of synch with most of the world so I’ve adapted to a middle ground.  I become very alert around 9pm so going to bed early is very difficult, instead I just tend to do with less sleep.  And I like coffee, a lot.  I also take vitamins and try to stay very well hydrated and avoid processed foods.  Between my performance background in music and theater and my midwifery training (moms tend to labor at night) I’ve gotten pretty good at making just a few hours of sleep work for me.  The 8-midnight is my time to get work done, work for TLB, work for my other job and release my creative side.  This is important to my mental and emotional health, when I have neglected this I become depressed and bitter.  I have to have balance of all the various sides of myself which is why I find it important to Nurture the Nurturer.

However, if I go very long periods without decent sleep I can certainly feel it’s effect.  Less than 5 hours for more than a few days and I feel nauseated, grumpy, struggle with memory and I notice the very mild heart condition I have starts making me feel uncomfortable.  When that happens I try to find some way to get more sleep such as The Piano Man taking the girls out or putting a movie on and me sleeping on the couch.  About twice a week I go to bed “early”, between 9.30 and 11pm.

What’s your bedtime routine with Smunchie?  Does she nurse to sleep?

Around 7.15-7.30 or even 7.15-8.30 (flexibility is crucial in our family, the reality of having older children with activities) we start getting ready.  A story or two (usually French selections daddy reads) with Smunchie and Squiggle Bug on the couch while Squiggle Bug drinks a cup of milk and Smunchie a cup of almond milk.  Then brushing teeth and getting into pajamas.  After giving good night kisses to the entire family we split up, The Piano Man taking Squiggle Bug and Smunchie is with me.  On night’s that he’s working I work it out on my own.  I nurse Smunchie for a bit while reading to her but I haven’t let her fall asleep consistently on the breast for a long time now so when she’s done she sits up and we read a few more books.  Then I say a little prayer with her, we snuggle, I start singing something and stand up, she hands me everything she wants in bed with her (usually a couple cooks, her lovey and her doll and sometimes random things like shoes), I lay those down and then she reaches for me.  We stand just outside her bed hugging then give kisses and say night-night while I continue to sing and lay her down.  I stay in the room but out of sight singing or mm-hmming for a bit until I can hear her settling and then I slip out.  She doesn’t usually cry or fuss at all but if she does I go to her, pat or rub her back and stay close by.  Every great once in a while she will nurse to sleep if we’ve been out too late or if she just can’t seep to settle but it is, by now, the exception.

How did you get Smunchie to take a lovey object?

I planned for it before she was even born.  While I was still pregnant I slept with the little blanket we picked to be her special object so it would smell like me.  From birth it’s just been “around.” Once it was safe for it to join her in her bed we would lay her down with it.  It just stuck.

I was asked a few other questions including some regarding how I fixed her lazy toddler latch and using the phrase “bobbies all done” and her accepting that.  There is a future article planned on breastfeeding a toddler some where I share more about these and other tips related to breastfeeding an older baby or toddler.

We’re not experts, just figuring it out as we go along like most parents.  Along the way we’ve adapted and changed as we have adjusted to the different personalities and needs of our different children and shifting family dynamic.  Identifying what is important to us we make it work with flexibility.  What works for us may not work for you and what’s important to us may not be important to you.  Hopefully with parents sharing their stories and experiences along the way combined with taking responsibility to research and surround ourselves with knowledgable doctors and experts as well as those willing to help and support us in our goals/desires you and I can make the best decisions we can at the time with the information and resources available.  Thanks for letting us share our journey with you.

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Do you have other questions for us about the night weaning process?  Or something else?  Post your questions in the comments below and I’ll try to get to those as well.  No question but have some thoughts on what you read here?  You comments are most welcomed, I look forward to reading your opinions and experiences as well.

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Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding and sleep, Jessica Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Changing Our Sleep Patterns- the 3rd Night

July 8, 2011 By

Perhaps one of my most crucial parenting tools is coffee.  I know, lots will tell me it’s bad, I shouldn’t drink it and doing so while nursing is probably going to cause my child to grow a 3rd eye.  Since I’m convinced that not drinking coffee could lead to much worse, I’ll take my chances.

We made it through the 3rd night.

Official analysis?  Night #3 was tolerable.  A marked improvement over night #2.

So far with this experience I can say that every night has been different.  Which is probably good, not sure I could handle multiple nights like night 2.  At least not in a row because really, who knows what tonight will bring?  Not me.

After stumbling around yesterday attempting to use grunts as a form of communication I was hoping for an easy bed time.  It kind of was.  The entire day yesterday was the kind that you just file under “glad it’s over” and hurry up and forget it.  With the exception of Smunchie, everyone in the house struggled and I never figured out if they were picking it up from me or if they too were tired and grumpy.  The crankies woke Smunchie up from her nap after just 25 minutes so I was really worried about bed time.  Squiggle Bug is 3 so I probably don’t need to say more but I will, she is in a major testing phase right now.  It’s normal and healthy but has been extra challenging because of our sleep issues with Smunchie.  Yesterday she pulled out all the stops and I had to dig down deep to find the most loving and patient grunts I could manage.  We got through and bed time was surprisingly easy for Smunchie, almost impossible for Squiggle Bug but by 8.38 they were both down.

I hung out with The Storyteller who had also had a rough day and needed some positive mom time.  When I apologized about being short with her earlier she said “it’s ok, I heard Smunchie last night.  She was mad at you.  So I thought maybe you’d just let us do whatever we wanted today because you were tired.  Sorry, I tried to take advantage of you.”

I knew it!

As I was finishing up the post about night 2 Smunchie woke up around 10.  She nursed and fell quickly back asleep at the breast.  I hoped that would mean she’d stay down longer.  Wrong.  At 11.40 she woke again and since our window begins at midnight after changing her diaper I nursed her.  She must have been hungry because she really nursed well, let go, burped and threw her arms over her head and passed out.

I felt confident that the night was not going to go well.  She hadn’t even slept more than 2 hours without waking yet and she usually did a 4 hour stretch.  Sleep horror movies begin this way.

Timeline-ish

1amish- The call for bobbies was issued again and some how she ended up in bed nursing.  I don’t remember who got her.  I think I fell asleep for a moment but when I woke she was still latched and sucking.  ”Bobbies all done” was met again with her unlatching and rolling over.  I can’t believe how easy that has been.  This time I kind of froze for a moment, afraid that the bobbie-monster would rise again in a few minutes but nothing happened.  Scooped her up and put her back in her bed before zombie-mommy drug her butt back the entire 2 feet back to bed.

3.45ish- This one happened but I remember nothing about it, zero details.  Smunchie got bobbies I ended it before she was asleep and she did fine.  It was remarkably unremarkable.

4.13ish- I looked at the clock this time when I got her.  Since I fell asleep the first time because I was too far gone to keep myself awake to be sure I didn’t nurse her to sleep and because the 2nd time I wasn’t even sure actually happened, I really tried to rouse myself.  While I was nursing her The Piano Man left the room, I’m wasn’t sure why but she didn’t notice and when I thought that was enough I mumbled our end phrase.  This time she let go and fussed, kind of a grumbly whiny fussing at me but she rolled over and cuddled with her lovey and Ceil.  Wakefulness hit me from my bladder.  Hoping to bed share for the rest of the night I was waiting for The Piano Man to return to stay in bed with her while I peed.  I waited.  And waited.  Afraid I was going to have my first accident in probably 30 years I finally got up.  Somehow, she knew it.  Before I was even out the door she was crying.  I soothed her and apologized telling her I had to go potty and oddly enough she calmed down and resumed her deep breathing.  Odd, very odd.  I peeked into Squiggle Bug’s room but no Piano Man and the couch was empty too.  Puzzled I got to the bathroom which was closed.  Someone was in there but I didn’t know who.  I had to pee but if I knocked I risked waking someone so I figured they couldn’t be in there long.  I was wrong.  Stepping repeatedly on the creaky spot in our hall hardwood floor I hoped whomever was inside would realize there was a lurker in the hall.  Eventually the door opened and there was The Piano Man looking very confused.

We think he fell asleep on the toilet.  He doesn’t actually remember anything about any of it.  I guess you take sleep wherever you can get it sometimes.

4.45ish- back to bed, Smunchie was sound asleep on her tummy in a starfish position taking up the entire bed.  I moved her to her bed.

7.30ish- I wake up to laughter.  Smunchie and Squiggle Bug were both in her bed playing.  They were laughing so hard and having so much fun.  Smiling at the sound before I even opened my eyes, I thought we are in for a much better day today.

See how well we’re hanging in there?

Sleep deprivation, our constant accessory.

Tonight we’re supposed to begin the second set of 3 nights.  The prospect is a little scary and have I visions of a bad horror movie where you yell at the idiotic characters as they run straight to the bad guy.  I’m not going to think about it just yet though, I’m going to enjoy the day with my family before some work appointments in the afternoon.  Being more rested today I am looking forward to some together time without the baggage of crippling fatigue.

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Filed Under: breastfeeding and sleep, sleep through the night, toddler Tagged With: , , , ,

Toddler Breastfeeding, Frustration and What Keeps Me Going

June 14, 2011 By

For the last week I haven’t liked breastfeeding Smunchie.  Not just not enjoyed it but skin crawling, hair pulling, hiding in the bathroom couldn’t stand it.  I can’t tell you how much I’ve hesitated to admit this.

When Smunchie started walking I smiled and thought “wow, I’m now breastfeeding a real toddler again” and it was sweet, special and adorable.  It didn’t seem like a big deal either, just a natural transition easing the reality of my baby, more than likely my last baby, growing up.  I’ve breastfed toddlers before but this time I was more tuned in, intending to savor every moment, holding onto it because it was one of the last.  I told everyone I wasn’t going to try to convince them to breastfeed their toddler, just talked about breastfeeding mine.  Like a fairy tale marked only occasionally by moments that were just slightly less than fantasy, I rode the unicorns over the rainbows of my breastfeeding dreams once again into nursing toddlerhood.

Having breastfed toddlers before I know they can become little gymnasts at the breast, start drive-by nursing and attempt to help themselves if necessary.  They don’t hesitate to ask for it by name, loudly and repeatedly and they can become quite demanding.  I know all this, I’ve been there before so I knew what was most likely coming.  But Smunchie’s transition into toddlerhood and breastfeeding was sweet and full of sunshine kisses.  I was the freakin’ wood nymph breastfeeding a toddler while fairies fed me bites of ambrosia and sips of nectar as my cherub toddler caressed my cheek as she sweetly nursed while we gazed into each other’s eyes.  Rainbow farting unicorns.

And then last week Smunchie became that toddler.  Any time I sat down was clearly an invitation for her to breastfeed (really, what else could I have to do sitting down?) and she rejected any multitasking on my part.  She also solidly learned and established her word for breastfeeding, one created and handed down by a big sister, Smunchie now whispers, sweetly chirps or screeches “BOBBIE!” when she feels she needs to nurse.  Which, as it turns out, is all. the. time.  When she was a sleepy newborn with heart issues we could’t get her to wake long enough for a feed and if we let her she’d easily sleep 6-8 hour stretches from the get go causing much worry and alarm clock setting.  Now though she would be happy on the boob every hour, sometimes 3 or 4 times in an hour.  And sometimes she could be on the breast for 25 minutes, others she’s struggling to focus for 5 but if I close up shop she freaks as though I took her unfinished ambrosia meal away.  She’s also gotten jealous of the other girls giving me hugs, climbing up on my lap for a cuddle or even sitting next to me.  To be clear, it’s not really about me as much as someone else coming close to her precious bobbies.  Then there’s the standing nursing, the dancing nursing, the upside down nursing, the head flop nursing, the splits nursing, the humming nursing, the snacking nursing, the in and out of the pool nursing and the just-because-I-love-it-so-much-this-is-the-best-stuff-in-the-world-nursing.  There’s also the entertainment she creates while nursing, the pinching, the scratching, the tickling, the mole picking (Oh how I roar then), the smacking, the foot in the eye, the hand in the mouth and the random but oh-so-predictable raspberry blowing.  I’d love to say that I have a halo permantely over my head and the patience of a saint but the truth is this behavior is starting to make me a little crazy.  Or, a lot crazy.  The wood nymph is now chained to the couch with a screeching gremlin demanding the breast.  And the unicorn farts are not rainbows.

Now I’ve probably scared everyone away and you’re thinking “that’s what I’m in for?  I don’t want to be a wood-nymph!”  Before you go running for the least wood-nymphy outfit you can find that makes the boobies completely inaccessible to your nursling let me explain a few things.

This is normal. Not because my darling nymph baby has now morphed into a gremlin but rather because her toddler development is right on track.  She’s really come to understand that we’re not the same person which means her beloved “bobbies” can walk away.  Very scary when your favorite food source can freely move about.  Oh yes, she absolutely MUST capture it every chance she can!  CARPE DI LECHE!

Move it baby! Not only does she now realize the bobbies roam freely but she’s also discovered that she has a fairly decent amount of mobility all on her own now.  In fact, she’s exploring all the different way she can move and really, what could be better than having boobies around for the exploration?  It’s a good way to be sure she’s hydrated and keeps track of the boobies so they don’t get away.  I mean, really, can you blame her?

She needs more. As she grows her nutritional needs do too.  In Smunchie’s case she’s not a huge fan of solids, she’ll eat somethings really well and others not well at all.  We offer a variety of whole foods often and frequently but some days she just refuses to eat anything solid.  Except carrots, she’ll always eat carrots.  It shouldn’t really surprise me then when she wants to breastfeed more often because she needs something to fuel her.  And I know that breastmilk is still perfectly adjusted to her needs and her body can tell that too which is why she wants it so much.  Check out this info. from Kellymom.com on how mom’s milk meets so much of a toddler’s nutritional needs. (If you haven’t seen this yet you’ll really, really want to.  Hint: it’s pretty awesome!)  By the way, in case you’re wondering, no, I’m not concerned that she’ll never switch over to solids and give up breastfeeding all together and no, I don’t think breastfeeding past 1 year old has messed up how she eats. I’m completely confident that she’ll one day be quite happy to let the bobbies go.  In fact, have you ever met anyone that didn’t stop breastfeeding at some point? Have you ever met anyone that was still dependent on breastmilk as a teen or adult?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

(Also, this study is kind of interesting which is why I’m randomly sharing it here.  The Abstract basically says that the longer a child is breastfed the more they will talk and more words they will have.  Which makes me realize I’m really doomed and The Piano Man and I have almost no chance of getting a word in edgewise around here.)

It makes her feel better. Toddlers fall a lot, get hurt or become frustrated. (Or get pushed/hit by an older sister.)  So much change happening so quickly, what are they supposed to do?  Sit down and rationally talk about it?  A pat on the back?  As adults we think that eating to comfort ourselves is bad but it’s really because of WHAT we eat when we’re eating to comfort.  Smunchie wants more perfect food?  If I reached for spinach or a head of broccoli when I was upset instead of a tub of ice-cream I’d be in great shape.  Smunchie doesn’t always need to breastfeed when she falls down but sometimes she really wants to and the skin-to-skin, the familiar taste and smell of mom and the position of being cradled all combine to be way better than spinach or broccoli.  Or ice-cream for that matter.  I would go so far as to say that by responding quickly to comfort her with the breast if that’s what she wants I’m helping her develop the confidence she is going to need one day to figure out how to comfort herself in healthy ways.

She talks! New words happen daily and she’s clearly assimilating all the nuances of communication.  Everyone around her are fairly decent experts at communicating and she’s trying really hard to get there.  Learning how to tell me she wanted to nurse the same way she hears other people communicate is a big milestone for her because, let’s face it, up until now breastfeeding has really been the most important activity in her life.  Now not only can she sign for it but she can verbally communicate.  Verbally communicate that she wants it with a full spectrum of volume.  She really HAS to use it!

Our relationship is changing.  She doesn’t always want to be held or worn in a carrier.  These days she really likes to get down and do her own thing.  Sometimes she loses track of me.  Others she gets so busy exploring and playing that she forgot to see what I was up to.  And then there are the times where mommy finds her standing on top of the piano or scaling the book shelves (that are anchored) and she’s quickly and quite rudely snatched from the middle of her adventure by fun-ruining mommy.  In those moments she may need to remember our connection, a crucial element of who we are to each other is our breastfeeding and it reaffirms our bond quickly.  Specially if she’s hurt that I’ve ruined her fun.

Boundaries. Smunchie’s developing behavior serves as a reminder to me that she is indeed always growing.  My baby is, in fact, leaving babyhood.  As much as breastfeeding has helped ease this transition, these new behaviors from her help to make the transition real.  As our relationship changes so does my parenting.  In our breastfeeding relationship I’ve realized I need to set some boundaries for both of us, it’s time.  Breastfeeding is a mutual relationship, it has to work for both of us.  Part of Smunchie growing up means her seeing boundaries not only for herself but for others.  This week I’ve started putting some of those boundaries in place with our breastfeeding relationship just as I’ve had to do with her big sisters.

  • This is normal but I have other responsibilities and children that need me.  If I know she’s ok and fed I don’t hesitate to make her wait a few minutes to breastfeed if I’m busy with making dinner, tending the needs of one of her big sisters, or need to transfer the laundry before I can sit down to nurse.
  • I love my baby’s new moves, she’s quite talented.  Still, my nipple isn’t a rubber band and I really don’t care to have it yanked around as she attempts a 360 degree turn while latched.  Or a full back flip.  Just like when she was a new born, if it hurts, I stop it.  Like with biting, if she continues I end our session telling her “ouch, you’re hurting mommy” then put her down and offer a toy that can handle the acrobatics.  Sometimes she’s happy to move on, others she gets upset but I find that she is much more settled at the breast then.
  • Her nutritional needs have increased and I love that my milk is up for the challenge.  Not crazy about being a snack bar though, I limit the number of times at the breast if she’s crossing into 2-3 times in an hour and sometimes offer a healthy snack instead of the breast to get her to stretch to 2-3 hour intervals a couple of times a day.  She’s also recently discovered that she likes almond milk and will accept that in a sippy cup when I need a break.
  • Knowing I can comfort just about any hurt is an incredibly empowering knowledge as a mother.  Knowing that she can get hurt every 10 minutes makes me tired.  So we’re developing other comfort measures.  Smunchie has a lovey and a baby doll that she loves to cuddle with.  When she’s been hurt (feelings or otherwise) I help her locate these items and cuddle her with them.  I also make it a personal rule to never pull my breast out assuming it’s what she’s going to want, I wait for her to ask for it.  When she does, I take it situation by situation and either find alternative ways to comfort or go ahead and nurse.  Having a big family, Smunchie has the added benefit of lots of other pairs of arms that would love to give a cuddle so I build up The Piano Man and her biggest sisters as sources of comfort too.  We have discovered that they all excel in getting her calmed down and moving on much faster than I can.  This also helps when I’m feeling touched out and is a great preventative measure to keep resentment from building when I’m at that point.
  • With our relationship changing Smunchie has started to really communicate that she doesn’t like me multitasking while breastfeeding.  When she really needs me she will reject me holding anything, watching anything or talking to anyone while she’s at the breast and wants me to stare down at her, stroking her hair and talking to her.  To respect her boundaries I try to be sensitive to that need and give her that when it’s required.  In doing so I’ve noticed that she doesn’t come back as soon to nurse again.  That connection established she’s secure enough to move on and explore again.
  • When she screams “bobbies” at me I try to respond softly and gently, affirming that I understand what she wants.  Children learn most through modeling and Smunchie very often drops her voice to the same tone I’m using.  I try to respond very quickly when she does to affirm this positive behavior and thank her for asking so kindly.  Which may explain why “thank you” is one of her new words too.
  • Letting go.  She and I are both having to start letting go.  It’s a gradual process but one that happens none-the-less.  I don’t believe that Smunchie is doing this to manipulate me.  I really believe it’s a part of the developmental fast track she’s on as a toddler.  Recognizing that she is going through a lot right now reminds me to respond more gently when what I feel like doing is rolling my eyes and locking myself in the bathroom.

All these realizations are very helpful in keeping me going when the going gets tough and the boundaries give me hope that this won’t be forever.  My patience is growing, maybe, little by little.   We’re not going to stop breastfeeding any time soon, I know she’s not ready for that and truthfully neither am I.  That does’t mean I never feel like stopping, nope.  I still feel crazy sometimes and I am still a little irritated at the unicorns a few times a day but we’re going to be fine.

One of the most cathartic moves I made as I struggled this week was to admit how I felt.  One evening in a moment of frustration and fatigue and the 4th time Smunchie had nursed in an hour when I had planned on being very productive I hissed at her “I HATE nursing!”  Yep, I said that.  And, in that moment, I meant it.  Twenty minutes later, I didn’t.  Ok, maybe it was more like two hours later but whatever.  The point is it wasn’t what I believed even if I felt it.  More importantly, even if I did believe it for myself my belief that breastfeeding my toddler is important and worthwhile is stronger.  To be able to stick with it though I had to admit how I felt and find ways to keep going.  Admitting it on Twitter was even more cathartic.  Because there I found out I’m not alone.  I typed, deleted, retyped, deleted, retyped, waited 10 minutes before I finally tweeted : “Dear world, right now I’m so sick of #breastfeeding. My toddler is constantly wanting to nurse and I am starting to go crazy. It will pass.” I was scared, what would Twitter-verse think of The Leaky Boob admitting she was sick of breastfeeding?  I even went so far as to add my own “it will pass” to dismiss my feelings and hopefully preempt any replies of the same.  Though I had some, mostly I was surprised by the number of replies saying they were feeling the same way.  When Stylin_Momma replied with “@TheLeakyBoob I needed someone else to admit that. Thank you. I’m trying to tell my 2.5 DD that she has to wait at least 1 hr btwn sessions.” and “I’m trying to encourage night weaning. These things make me feel like #breastfeeding support phoney. So thank you.” I wanted to jump up and down.  In fact, I might have.  The rest of the day I tweeted with Stylin_Momma and a few others about how we and our nursing toddlers were doing, passed around ideas and strategies and shared funny stories.  By that afternoon I was feeling much better and encouraged.  We weren’t breastfeeding support phonies just because we admitted we weren’t enjoying breastfeeding at the moment.  If anything, we were as real as breastfeeding support comes and could offer support from the trenches, knowing that sometimes it really isn’t all rainbow farting unicorns.  That day I leaned on my fellow breastfeeding-a-toddler moms and we propped each other up giving each other a chance to commiserate, laugh and develop some new tools for this phase of breastfeeding.

There are many great and wonderful parts of breastfeeding a toddler too.  I look for them and savor them to try and have a more balanced perspective.  That afternoon I pulled out a basket of instruments for Smunchie to distract her from wanting the boob again.  She immediately forgot about breastfeeding, or so I thought, as she became engrossed in the instruments.  Playing chimes on a drum and wooden xlaphone, Smunchie started singing.  I returned to what I was doing, smiling at the banging and chiming filling the living room as her little voice soared.  Then I realized what she was singing, the first time I’ve ever heard her put words to her songs.  Over and over again in sweetly sustained notes she was singing “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBIEEEEEEEEEEE!  BOBBIE! BOBBIE! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

See, only a toddler could write a song about how much she loves her bobbies.

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Filed Under: Boobs, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding difficulties, breastfeeding humor, breastfeeding stories, child led weaning, extended breastfeeding Tagged With: