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There is No “ME” in UterUS: A Tale of Uterine Envy

May 2, 2012 by
by Jamie Grayson

There are many reasons I’m jealous of women.

You can wear more clothing that shows skin in the summer and it’s still appropriate.

As long as you don’t look like a damn clown, you’re able to wear makeup to cover blemishes.

You can blame mood swings on an “Aunt Flo.”. Who the hell is she?  Why don’t I have one and why doesnt she send me birthday cards???

You can carry a child.

The other day I was on a train and a pregnant lady sat across from me.  She was wearing a skirt and tank top, so she looked like many other pregnant women I see on the train. As a matter of fact, she looked like many men I see on the subway. It’s New York. Expect the unexpected.  But then, she changed.

She moved her hands over her stomach and immediately started glowing. I shit you not. It was as if a connection had been made that no science or religion could argue about.

She is a mother.

I sat on that train trying not to cry.  Sometimes I get emotional while working with clients. The first time I see a new baby I’m usually a wreck. But that’s ok in that situation. Crying on the subway, not so much.  It has been a nutty few months and I’m just a little bit more susceptible to my feelings right now.

I realized a long time ago that I physically couldn’t carry a child. I know, it’s a shocker.  I feel completely blessed to be able to work with and around expectant and new parents daily. The greatest honor of my life was being able to spend six months in Minneapolis with my family and those two nuggets I’m obsessed with, as well as being my sister’s labor doula.  It was life-changing.

When female friends complain about something, I often respond with:    “Yeah. But I can’t get pregnant.”

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I mean every single word.

I know women have to deal with many things I’ll never understand:  training bras, heels, haircuts that cost too much, highlights, menopause…the list could go on and on. However, you’ve also the ultimate blessing:  you can carry life.

I know all women cannot do this, and my heart goes out to them. That’s a topic that deserves an entire post on another site.

This goes out to the guys.

I’ve not met many guys who feel this way, so I definitely feel as if I’m in the minority.  Most guys I work with or meet are actually ecstatic that they’ll never be pregnant. I honestly cannot say I blame them for feeling that way, but I’m wired differently.  I dont know when these feelings started. Was it the birth education center?  Maybe. Was it working with my clients?  Mayhaps. I do know that one item I hold near and dear is a video of my sister, Jennifer, and I walking into the delivery room after my sister Olivia was born.  I remember sitting outside and hearing her cries for the first time. Walking in that room blew my mind. What my 16 year-old brain could only understand as something growing inside my mom was now here.  I could touch her and hold her and hug her.  For sixteen years she has constantly amazed/bewildered/aggravated/enraged/enlightened me. She’s my rat girl (long story) and always will be  Sixteen years later I’m amazed at what she’s become, and thrilled by what my youngest sister, Elizabeth, continues to be.

I’m starting to ramble.

I’ll never know what it’s like to be that connected to a life. I’ll never know what it’s like to feel someone kick me from inside.  My loins will never produce my offspring. Women always complain about “the curse of Eve.”

What about the Curse of Adam??

 

Jamie Grayson, known as TheBabyGuyNYC, is a nationally-recognized baby gear expert and baby planner, and has been featured on Martha Stewart, Today Show, and several regional news programs.  Traveling the country speaking at expectant parent events and product launches, writing forStrollerTraffic.com as well as other media outlets, and working with expectant families takes up most of his time–although he still makes time for a movie and a cocktail on occasion.  Questions?  He’s always available on Facebook or Twitter.
Filed Under: Article, baby, birth, Featured, guest posts, Parenting, Pregnancy Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Sugarbaby Introduces Herself

April 22, 2012 by
by The Piano Man

Hello world, Sugarbaby here.  My name is Arden, or so I’m told.  Most of the time Sisters call me baby, but Mommy and Daddy are trying their hardest to get them to use my name.  I have 5 sisters!  And there’s never a lack of hands to hold me close, but my favorite place to be in the whole world, as I know it, is in Mommy’s arms.  Daddy’s ok, but there’s nothing like the smell, the touch, the feel of Mommy.  I’m pretty sure she feels the same way, because I can feel her face touching my head and I can hear her breathing me in as well.  I can’t imagine a happier place.

Mommy and Daddy noticed that I already dream when I sleep, but I’m not telling them if I dream of the last couple of days where everything is so bright, or of the day I left my first home, or of when I was still in that warm and comfy place before that.  It was getting really crowded in there, so it’s nice to be able to stretch out my arms and feel the emptiness around me in between my fingers.  But sometimes that makes me scared, and so Mommy or Daddy hold me close with my arms tight against my tummy, and I feel much better.  I really like being close, really, really close.  When I’m awake, and when I’m asleep.  All the time.

I really didn’t want to come out of Mommy’s tummy at first.  It was crowded in there, but I didn’t want to leave.  I would wiggle my head and refused to go through the right way.  But in the end, I decided to come out anyway, but it had to be my way.  And my way was without my head being squished.  Plus I waited until absolutely everything was just right, which took a while, and then I came out in one push.  Everyone was so surprised!  And then they said things like how big I was.  I guess I’m just a bit ahead of the curve, full of surprises.  They measured me and weighed me and determined that I was actually a week and a half older than they estimated.  But that was after I got some serious cuddle time with Mommy.  It was a little strange feeling her from the outside, but I really love the way she smells, and the way it feels to be against her chest with her arms around me.  Oh yeah!  I can smell!  And breathe!  I practiced all that before but it’s really different when you breathe liquid.  But all that practice really paid off.  The world is lot bigger than I imagined, but it’s ok because I have Mommy to hold me, and feed me.  Oh, and I eat!  That’s new too, but I really like it.  I could do it all day.  And don’t worry, this is all totally normal and your own baby can tell you all about that right here.

Anyway, when everybody saw me, they said things like how big I am, and how my head is perfect – which, of course it is, I worked hard to keep it that way! – and then later they said how I looked like a 3-month old Cosette!  That’s so funny.  She must have been teeny!

Well, I’m getting sleepy again.  I love to sleep.  I could do that all day too!  But before I go dream my secret dreams, I’ll give you some of the other information that those Other People seem to think is really important.

my full name: Arden Credence Martin-Weber – Arden is the name of a forest in England and the setting of a wonderful Shakespeare play they say is called As You Like It.  I’m going to read it later.  Arden means “ardent,” “passionate,” or “excited,” and I think I’m living up to that pretty well so far.  Credence means belief, faith, credibility.  Not sure where I stand on that one yet.

birth date: April 19, 2012 (I share a birthday with my godfather.  We were born 31 years and 30 minutes apart!)

birth weight: 8 lbs 10 oz – record breaking Martin-Weber baby! I may be the littlest but I’m the biggest too!  I rock.

birth length: 21 1/4 inches – not a record breaker, but still, I’m sure I’m long for my age.

I’m a girl – duh.  : )  And that’s just perfect for me.

I have a red birthmark on my forehead (wherever that is – I can’t see it), and it’ll probably fade with time, but it’s the same birthmark that my biggest sister, Ophélia, had, and also my wonderful uncle Preston.  It’ll probably fade with time, and pop up when I get angry, er, passionate about something, because that’s my name.  Arden.

Filed Under: Article, baby, birth, Breastfeeding the newborn, dads, family, father, Featured Tagged With: , , , , ,

Gear up, baby!

April 17, 2012 by

I’m a simple kind of gal.  There is very little I feel we need for a new baby and then some things I want for a new baby.  Really it comes down to something for the pee/poop, boobs, and something to keep the newbie tied to me.  But there are somethings beyond that we get to help care for our newest little person.  Some are our basics, others make it easier, and still others are a luxury.  Most of this can be found at yard sales, thrift stores, craigslist, consignment shops, and hand-me-downs from friends, we rarely buy brand new. Everyone’s list will look a bit different, what works for one family won’t for another.  Here’s our breakdown.

Basics:

diapers- we cloth diaper, here’s what we find essential

  • 3 snappis
  • prefolds, hand-me-downs and from Green Mountain Diapers
  • wool covers- mostly homemade hand knit or repurposed wool, some PUL covers from Thirsties (I ordered some new Duo Wraps from Lullaby Kisses)
  • detergent- trying Thirsties Super Wash this time, also ordered from Lullaby Kisses as well as Rockin’ Green.
  • cloth wipes- flannel squares work well as do baby wash cloths
  • diaper ointment- my babies always have sensitive skin, I love Motherlove Herbal’s Diaper Rash and Thrush, cloth diaper safe, works well, gentle on my babies’ sensitive skin, and you can’t beat these ingredients.  Oh, and a pot of it lasts forever!
  • Wetbags- dirty diapers need a designated spot.  Wetbags do the job without nasty pails of soaking diapers.  We have one big one (from Goodmama ages ago) and 2 medium ones for the diaper bag, and 1 small one to hold wipes, all WAHM ones. (Lullaby Kisses has a good selection of these too.)

clothes

  • 5 or so gowns- baby in a bag, easy for changing in the middle of the night
  • 5 or so footed PJs
  • 5+ t-shirts
  • dozen socks (because there is always one missing)
  • 3 hats (1 on their head, 1 in the laundry, 1 ready- because they somehow get poop on them)
  • 8 or so bottoms- most of ours are hand knits, have extras for poop accidents

sleep

  • Moses basket- typically a hand-me-down or borrowed, can be moved room to room or outside.
  • carrier- because they usually sleep on me or their daddy and with work and family I need to be able to multitask.  You really only need one versatile carrier.  We already have a Moby, my go-to carrier for a newborn (also available at Lullaby Kisses), a Beco, my go-to carrier for longer excursions when they are a bit bigger; a homemade mei-tai, and was recently gifted my first woven wrap (a Didymos– so pretty).  I lost my ring sling (that I’ve had for years!) and so I’m getting a new one from Paxbaby.com (they carry EVERYTHING and have great personalized service) because it’s my “fast” carrier.
  • baby blankets for light swaddling, warmth, and to throw down wherever baby ends up sleeping when not on mommy or daddy.

bath

  • water- breastmilk poop is water soluble, doesn’t even need a cleaning agent besides water.
  • bath tub- I usually bathe with my babies the first few weeks so I just hold them on my lap in the tub.
  • 2-3 wash clothes to gently scrub the neck folds.
  • 2 hooded towels, because they WILL poop on one leading to another bath and the need for another towel.

travel- leaving the house

  • Car seat- no exception.  I’ve never started with a convertible, always an infant car seat AKA bucket.  It stays in the car most of the time.  This time it’s the same Chicco we had with Smunchie and then we’ll be going to clek’s new Foonf when Sugarbaby is ready for a convertible and it will last us years.  It doesn’t have to be the best of the best or top of the line but a good seat with a high safety rating is an essential for our family.  This is one area where we see spending big dollars to be essential for ultimate safety, it’s not a luxury.  As a major yarn lover I’ve sold yarn in the past to be able to afford the kind of seat we could feel good about.
  • carrier- we don’t keep our babies in the bucket seats, they go from the car seat into a carrier.
  • bag for diapers
  • 2 wet bags- wipes and dirty diapers
  • 2 changes of clothes
  • thin blanket- to lay down for changes if need be.
  • top for mom- I’m going to leak and I want to be prepared just in case.
  • breast pads- I have a pair in my bra and a pair in my bag.  This is vital as I leak a lot.  I’ll be wearing Bamboobies most of the time and trying out Posh Pads for the first time.
  • burp cloths- spit up happens.  Whether it’s a diaper or a fancy boutique burp cloth, it’s essential to have something to clean up with.  We already have some special ones that were made for different babies along the way.

play time

  • blankets- all types: thick, thin, big, little, homemade, store bought, etc.  I like to have a nice stack of blankets for time on the floor, making a nest in a basket for time outside, for peek-a-boo, and for anything else that seems useful.
  • toy/lovey- no, they aren’t playing or interacting with these things yet but I have found one way to help older siblings respect the new baby and their space is to have something that is brand new for them, set apart as “theirs.”  Often my big girls pick out the item and often the item (sometimes items) actually do become the lovey object of choice.

feeding

  • my boobs
Nice to have

diapers- cloth

  • different styles- while the basic prefold is our workhorse diaper, it’s nice to have different styles.  We have some fitteds, a couple of pockets (LolliDoo’s eco pockets are great!), and an all-in-one.
  • cloth wipes, specifically for wiping up little bums, these are thicker than wash clothes.  Happy Heinys has some nice basic wipes you just throw in with your diaper laundry.

clothes

  • a few special pieces, just for the new baby, something I’ll save to give them for their children one day.
  • a couple of cute outfits they can poop on for you.
  • a few handmade/hand knitted/hand sewn items from me and other family member/friends.
  • extras of everything so I don’t have to do laundry as often.

Sleep

  • a special blanket designated as new for the baby, usually handmade.  My mom has a friend that loves to crochet blankets and so I pick out the yarn, my mom buys it, and this friend makes something beautiful with it.  I love this more than I can say.  It helps a lot too, everyone knows it’s the baby’s blanket, and it gives the new big sisters a way to help take care of the baby too.  Then, as the baby gets older, they love hearing about how it was made for them, why I picked the colors I did, and how it’s all their own.  These are treasures in our home.  But if you don’t have someone to make you a handmade blanket and won’t be making one yourself, I love these blankets from Sarah’s Silks and have quite a few friends whose children grow up loving their special soft blankets.  But since you don’t lay babies down with blankets anyway, these really aren’t for sleep in the first year, more like for cuddling to sleep.
  • cosleeper- we borrowed one of these from a friend with Squiggle Bug, loved it.  It was particularly nice when my hormones went crazy and I was having the night sweats.  We haven’t been able to budget for one since but it was really nice to have then.
  • I also think one of those moses basket stands would be nice to have though the cosleeper and the stand would be overkill.  Either one would be nice.
  • a variety of carriers.  Since I’m going to be wearing my baby more than I am anything else, it’s nice to have some options in carriers.  Like maybe something that will go with everything: a Girasol Rainbow wrap. (I might lust after that one.)

bath

Travel- leaving the house

  • diaper bag- something with lots of pockets and compartments and I really like to have a big one for longer outings with room for a carrier, and a small one for shorter outings.
  • stroller- I usually wear my babies, it’s true, but sometimes I like to put them in a stroller for various reasons (i.e. bra shopping while babywearing is a tad difficult) and sometimes it’s for nothing more than holding various paraphernalia including the diaper bag.  We’ve had the same stroller for ages, it’s falling apart so I’m hoping it makes it through one more baby before we trash it.  If not I’ll be checking out craigslist, thrift stores, and yard sales.

Play time

  • swing or bouncy seat- while we wear our babies most of the time, sometimes I have to set them down for my own sanity, shower, or just a change of pace for all of us.
  • play gym or activity bar- they can’t really do anything with it but throw down a blanket and put them on their back under that toy bar and I get enough time to cook up some bacon as they stare in wonder, particularly at the one with the mirror.  But my favorite thing?  How the older siblings get in on the action by talking to baby, jingling the toys dangling, and showing them how it all works.
  • a couple of natural wood rattles like this one, this one, this international breastfeeding symbol one, or the classic favorite Sofie.  These become heirlooms and fun to share.

Breastfeeding

  • as far as baby is concerned, nothing is nicer to have than boobies.

 

Luxury

diapers- cloth

  • some fun, fancy diapers in fun fancy prints or with embroidery.  There are so many brands out there, I just picked a few to try and bought the prints I liked.  We’ve had ours for years though and didn’t buy any for Sugarbaby this time.
  • pretty colors, super soft fabric, maybe even custom made… velour wipes are so pretty, clean up so well, and are quite the splurge.  Hazelbee Baby has a great selection in all the colors of the rainbow and then some.  Simply beautiful.

clothes

  • a line of clothing- picking a line from a company and getting a few pieces from that line.  I fell hard for some stuff from Zutano this time around and was so excited when it came up on Zulily.  Plus, this incredible company truly supports breastfeeding and has a breastfeeding/baby friendly work environment for the moms that work for them.  Beautiful clothes and an amazing company that supports a cause close to my heart?  Yes please!
  • special yarn that gets made into a special outfit.  Luxury for both me and baby plus it becomes a keepsake.
  • soft shoes- they don’t walk anywhere but they sure are cute!  Plus, they help keep those baby socks on that we’re losing otherwise.

sleep

  • I have long admired, though never been able to afford, a baby hammock like this one.  We cosleep but in a combination of room sharing and bed sharing and since we often still have company from our big kids in the middle of the night, I would love something like this for Sugarbaby.  This is definitely one of my luxury wish list items.
  • I’m big on blankets I’m noticing.  The last 3 of our babies (including Sugarbaby) have gotten a custom bamboo velour blanket from Zaichiki Baby.  We pick out the colors as a family and order them a toddler size blanket.  So they get the handmade crochet blanket and one bamboo blanket.  These become best sleeping buds as time goes by and let me tell you, the bamboo velour is divine.  This one is Smunchie’s and this one is Squiggle Bug’s.

bath

  • these and these– can you imagine?  We don’t have them but they sure seem nice!
  • hooded baby bathrobe/sack- someone gave us one of these when Earth Baby was born and I was surprised to discover I loved it.  Put her in it right out of the bath, zip it up, and snuggle!  One of the cutest things and it seemed to instantly calm her.  We’ve had it ever since, it’s a little worn looking these days.
  • Earth Mama Angel Baby Bundle of Suds and/or the Non-scents Head to Toe wash, and the Angel Baby Oil because baby massage is awesome.  I also really love all of Weleda’s baby products (and then some) and am so grateful we were given the Baby Starter Kit with an earlier baby and now a couple of Weleda products are on our wish list with our new babies.  (Pssst… they have a baby massage video on their site plus if you buy 2 baby products and use the code “BABYDOLL” at check out they’ll include a cute little free baby doll with your order!)
Travel- leaving the house
  • Ness Diaper Bag– because they’re gorgeous and incredibly well designed! (I want one, totally drooling over these bags.)
  • JuJu-Be Diaper Bag– because they’re fun!  This hip messenger style would probably be my pick.
  • I got to play with some luxury strollers at the ABC Expo this past fall and wow, I had no idea what I was missing.  Still way out of my price range but totally dreamy, I loved most of the ones I got to try.  Check out Phil and Teds, iCandy, and Bugaboo, if you’re in the market for a stroller that really does make your life easier.
Play time
  • Lambskin cuddle rug- I have wanted one of these for a long time and this past fall even figured out what brand I’d get if I could.  I love the short cut of the Lamby cuddle rug and this would be my choice to have to lay down for play times and sleepy time.  On my wishlist!
Breastfeeding
  • my boobs

 

As Sugarbaby is expected any day now I find myself checking to be sure everything is ready for having a new baby, even things I know won’t be used right away.  “Stuff” doesn’t make a home ready for a new baby but there is a lot of “stuff” that helps a family care for their new arrival including helping with the transition of adding a family member.  The tangible preparations can go a long way in helping with the mental and emotional preparations for a new baby.  Sugarbaby won’t be interested in playing with the new wood rattle waiting on the shelf in our room but every time I look at it I look forward a little bit more to my sweet babe being in my arms.  Coming up I’ll be sharing my lists for me and for the family because having a baby isn’t just about the baby, you have to take care of everyone.

_______________________________

What does your list look like?  Basic, nice to have, and luxury, what would you put on your list of baby gear to have?

Filed Under: Article, baby, birth, family, Featured, Jessica, Parenting, postpartum, Pregnancy Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Why find out?

December 17, 2011 by

After sharing my thoughts on the sex of this baby and finding out (Blue hair, ultrasound, 5 girls, and Sugarbaby) I had a lot of questions asking if we don’t care what the sex is, why find out?

I’ve talked before and openly about my pregnancies and having to deal with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) through out them.  To sum it up, HG is severe nausea and vomiting in pregnancy, beyond the normal morning sickness levels, that usually results in a more than 10% weight loss for the mother, poor nutrition, dehydration, and other complications.  It’s like food poisoning that stretches on for months, for me personally it’s looked like vomiting 20-30 times a day and getting down to as low as 83 pounds.  Thanks to aggressive preventative care, this time I’ve only lost 16 pounds and with regular daily fluids through my PICC line, I’ve not dealt with severe dehydration.  At this point (over 20 weeks) I’m doing better than I ever have in one of my pregnancies and am down to vomiting 3-4 times a day and  for the most part I am able to function.

Still, it’s not easy and I have to admit to feeling more like I’m managing an illness than like I’m having a baby.  Because right now, that’s exactly what I’m most focused on, managing an illness.  Sugarbaby moves and kicks a lot and my belly is growing but I feel far more connected to my PICC line than I do the child growing inside of me.  I’ve even considered naming it, the line that is.  I have named my puke bucket in the past, so deep was the connection there.

There are reasons to be concerned about ultrasounds and like many in the natural birth community, I have my reservations about routine ultrasounds in pregnancy.  I’d share links to articles and research on the issue but I’m avoiding them right now since I’m about to go have one.  But do a search, there are plenty out there.

So why would I do an ultrasound if I have concern about their safety in pregnancy?  Aside from the fact that it’s only one ultrasound we plan on having during the entire pregnancy unless medically indicated otherwise, I have my reasons.  In my experience I have seen that a pregnant woman’s mind can greatly influence her pregnancy and her birth.  We have not had ultrasounds with each of our babies, with two we felt there was no medical reason to do so.  But then we discovered something: I struggled more with depression and feeling connected to my baby both during and immediately following the pregnancy when we didn’t find out than when we did.  There comes a point where I need something to help me start knowing the person I’m growing and connecting with them more than I’m connected to my IVs.  Knowing the sex of the individual growing inside of me is like a surge of power between me and my baby, energizing my connection and helping me get excited about having them.  That excitement helps make managing my HG this small challenge along the journey of getting this person.  The tiny potential risk of one ultrasound that gives us that connection as well as the peace of mind that the medications I’m on aren’t causing my baby to grow a second head means lower stress levels, higher endorphins, and begins the emotional journey from “I’m sick” to “we’re having a baby!”

With each of my pregnancies I find I worry more that something is wrong with my baby.  I used to think it was that I know more but now I think it’s not that complex.  We’ve had 5 healthy babies (Smunchie does have a minor heart defect and it was difficult and scary for a few months) and I start thinking there’s no way we’re going to have a 6th healthy baby.  Each time I imagine something worse.  Silly?  Probably.  Very real to me?  Yep.  And so, to help me sleep and to lower my anxiety, silly though it may be, we get the scan.  What if we do have a baby that is going to have special needs?  Well, things will proceed as already planned and we’ll start learning about navigating the world of parenting a child with special needs.  That’s not the problem for me, it’s the not knowing and the imagining that is.  Boy, girl, perfectly healthy, or special needs, this baby is ours and we love it very much, none of that’s going to change.

One more question that I’ve been asked frequently and I know goes unasked even more frequently: why keep having babies when you’re pregnancies are so rough?  The short, easy answer is because I’m crazy.  The longer, more complicated answer is that for me personally, I didn’t want HG to have the say in our family planning.  Our family didn’t feel complete.  We considered adoption and had actually planned on adopting but that didn’t work out.  So here we are.  It has been a difficult decision but one I don’t regret.  Getting through each pregnancy is hell, I won’t lie, and I hate the stress it puts on my family.  But we weren’t done, so we’ve walked through it.  I know it’s not for everyone and I grieve with my HG sisters that want more children but can’t make the HG journey again.  I feel incredibly blessed.

Please, if you or someone you know struggles with vomiting and nausea in pregnancy, please visit helpher.org for information on HG.  While care and treatment of HG is improving, it has long been misunderstood, left undiagnosed, and poorly treated.  Check this list to see if what you’re dealing with is normal morning sickness or HG.

Filed Under: Article, baby, birth, family, Jessica, Parenting, Pregnancy Tagged With: , , , , ,

Evenflo: Attaching shame to breastfeeding should NEVER be funny.

September 8, 2011 by

by Star Rodriguez

My former in-laws are fantastic people.  They are absolutely lovely, and I still maintain a positive relationship with them, despite being divorced from their son.

They were also very uncertain about breastfeeding.

My ex mother in law was a teen mother in the seventies, when there was little breastfeeding support and absolutely no support for teen mothers.  My ex father in law and his family are incredibly conservative folk with standards of modesty that are as high as they go in most of the United States.  My former sister in law nursed her first for a brief time and then stopped, choosing to not attempt with the second.  So when I had my first, there was no precedent for exclusively breastfeeding.

During the entire time I nursed my daughter, male members of the family left the room rather than be near an exposed boob.  In certain areas, I was asked to cover up (politely, I will add.)  My mother in law lamented once or twice that she never got to feed the baby.

Still, I stuck to my guns, nursing my baby on demand, anywhere that we were.  If we were at someone’s home and they wanted me to cover up, I respected their wishes, despite disagreeing that it was necessary.  My husband became a staunch supporter of breastfeeding, and if someone said something that he thought hinted at criticism, he would start recounting benefits of breastfeeding and risks of formula feeding.  When we did have some nursing issues, and I had to work to overcome them, my in-laws had become so used to breastfeeding that they were staunch supporters in my struggle to make it all work out.   For you to know what a 180 that was, you should know that when I told my mother in law in the beginning that I was nursing – and on demand – she asked me how she would possibly be able to have my daughter stay overnight with her.  This was at a few days old, and, yes, she absolutely meant In the not too distant future.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I heard about this Evenflo ad that everyone was up in arms about.  Let me first say that Evenflo has the distinct displeasure of being the worst reviewed pump company with my clients.  They constantly report things like breaking pumps, bad customer service, pain, and an inability to get milk out.  These can all significantly affect a breastfeeding relationship.  In one case, a mother using an Evenflo pump had some pretty awful nipple damage from a malfunctioning pump.  Despite the fact that their pumps were terrible, I would recommend other, decent Evenflo products like I was their marketing division, since they were one of the few WHO Code compliant companies.  (What’s the WHO code?  Here’s the official document of the World Health Organization’s Code of ethics for marketing breastmilk substitutes, another explaining it in more detail (last 2 pages are summary) and the wikipedia article on the code.)

Evenflo has since decided to abandon the WHO Code in favor of more marketing, and one of the results is this advertisement that mocks breastfeeding in public, depicting uncomfortable and pushy in-laws who claim that breastfeeding means no one else can feed and thus bond with the baby, and includes an awkward scene after the mom pumps (We wanted to be able to share the video with you but after a strong backlash it appears to have been pulled but not after millions had already viewed it.)

There are so many terrible things about this ad.  The bullying, stereotypical in-laws.  The dad who won’t speak up.  The implication that breast size is tied to milk making capacity (it isn’t.)  How long the mother in law implies that breastfeeding takes.  The idea that bonding can only come from feeding. The horrified face of the father in law after drinking the breastmilk-laced coffee.  Listen, I like low-brow humor, and even I was disgusted by this.  In fact, when I showed my husband it (who does not take violations of the Code or breastfeeding stuff as seriously as I do) he said, “Really?  Is that a joke?  They’re trying to sell pumps with that?  But it makes breastfeeding and breastmilk look terrible and disgusting!”

I work with women every day.  Women who want to breastfeed, but…  They can’t trust that their baby is getting enough.  They can’t get over societal-induced fears of public breastfeeding.  They can’t believe that their bodies can produce something that is superior to science.  And so when I watch things like this, I cringe.  You see, I was that girl.  And I had an in-law experience that could have turned bad.  We conquered it with positivity, but if I had not had a good support group and encouragement, that might not have been the case.  And so this ad disgusts me and fills me full of rage.  Who are you, Evenflo, to tell a mom to hide in the bedroom and pump instead of standing up for herself?  Who are you to undermine someone’s confidence and call it fun and games?

There is one silver lining to this terrible ad, though.  In my time on Evenflo Baby’s Twitter and Facebook and in comments on articles about this, I have seen both breast and formula feeding women standing up and calling this ad horrible.  That warms my heart.  Moms have it hard, no matter how they are feeding their baby.  Seeing the Mommy Wars put aside to focus on something that does a disservice to women as a whole is pretty awesome.

Evenflo has issued a half-apology PR statement on their Facebook and Twitter that reads, “We hear you. We appreciate how passionate you are. We are equally passionate and fully support all moms and the personal choices they make everyday.”  The video remained up until this morning.  But while this particular video is currently unavailable, the rest in the “savvy parents” series are similarly demeaning and damaging.  You can view those here.  In fact, check out their webisode of how to survive 3am feedings.  It’s served up with an (un)healthy side of parental stupidity, sexism (towards men- too stupid to deal with bottles), and really, really bad breastfeeding practices (giving even a bottle of expressed breastmilk at night could lesson a mom’s night milk making, crucial to supply!) not to mention what mother wouldn’t be in tears over all the spilled expressed breast milk!

Please join me and the countless others in letting Evenflo know that this isn’t ok.  Companies do listen to feedback, especially negative feedback.  Their Facebook and Twitter are both open for commenting, and I urge you to do so.  Let’s let Evenflo know that savvy parenting looks much different than they think.

 

Editors note:

I shared this on Facebook and I’ll share it here.  The problem I have with this video is that it perpetuates this idea that breastfeeding is weird, gross, awkward and prevents others bonding with the baby.  All myths and all ones willingly encouraged by a society that undervalues breastfeeding and dismisses the women that breastfeed. 

The commercial is obviously campy, it’s over the top, overacted, and ridiculous. Obviously intended to be funny.  However, even with recognizing those aspects it plants the idea that a mom should just run off to a room to pump to spare anyone the discomfort of seeing her breastfeed and give into the demands of someone that feels it is their right to feed her baby as well.  If a woman wants to pump and let others feed her baby a bottle of her milk, fine, her choice. If she feels forced to pump by harassing individuals it’s another matter entirely. This commercial, in all it’s camped up attempts at humor, gives onlookers “permission” to say to a breastfeeding mom “why can’t you just go pump so someone else can feed the baby” or “you should bring a bottle of pumped milk so you don’t have to breastfeed in public.”  Or worse like “you can’t do that here.”

Anything communicating that breastfeeding is wrong, gross, or something a woman should feel awkward and ashamed about just isn’t funny. Just like I will never find racist or sexist humor funny, I will never find humor that attempts to shame breastfeeding moms funny.  Period. ~Jessica

 

 Star is a breastfeeding peer counselor for a WIC in the Midwest.  She sat the IBCLC  exam for the first time this summer, and is anxiously awaiting the end of October.   She also sits on the breastfeeding task force in her town, is helping her  community’s Early Head Start redefine their breastfeeding support, and is the  driving force behind a local breastfeeding campaign.  In the remainder of her free  time, she chases around her nursling and preschooler.
Filed Under: birth, breastfeeding video, family, Featured, giveaway, Letters from The Leaky Boob Tagged With: , , , ,

Baby Explains- Normal Newborn Behavior

August 18, 2011 by

By Diana Cassar-Uhl, IBCLC 

 

Dear Mommy,

Thank you so much for breastfeeding me!  You probably already know that your milk is designed especially for me, and is better than anything else you could feed me.

I know that right now, you feel like your friends who aren’t breastfeeding their babies seem to have an easier time of things.  Those other babies sleep soundly and longer between feedings, they drink so much, and they don’t fuss to eat all the time like I do!  I can tell you’re getting a little bit frustrated, and I hear all the advice you’re getting … my grandma says you weren’t breastfed and you turned out just fine, my daddy says he feels like he can’t do anything to soothe me, and that lady with the cold hands that you call “doctor” gave you a can of something that she says will help me grow faster.  You’re tired and frustrated because taking care of me just seems too hard, but please mommy, before you give up this yummy breastfeeding thing, let me explain some of my behavior to you.  It might help you feel better.

First, if you and I were separated after I was born, for any reason (maybe it was hospital protocol that I be left under a warmer, maybe you were recovering from surgery), I’ve got some catching up to do, because I probably lost more weight than my friends who got to stay close to their mommies.  It’s OK … I’m really good at letting you know when I need some more calories, but it’s important that you let me breastfeed lots and lots, even if my grandma says “he just ate!!”  In my first few days, the nurses at the hospital might tell you I’m hungry and your body can’t make enough milk for me … but mommy, that colostrum from your breasts is some awesome stuff!  It’s packed with protein, which binds to any bilirubin in my body (elevated bilirubin causes jaundice in more than half of newborns) so I can poop it on out.  It’s also a great laxative, which makes it easy for me to get all that black, tarry meconium out of me and we can move on to the seedy, yellow-brown poops that are much easier to clean off my sweet tushie.  Now, the colostrum is really thick and sticky, and I’m so small and still figuring out how to move my tongue, and we’re both still trying to get comfortable together, so it might take me 20 minutes or longer to suck out just ONE TEASPOON (5-7 mL) of that liquid gold.

But it’s OK, mommy!  You know, there is really nowhere I’d rather be than in your arms, hearing your sweet voice and smelling you  — even though you haven’t had a shower since before I was born, you’re just delicious to me.  And something else you should know about me … even though I have a really cute “Buddha belly” that looks all chubby, the capacity of my stomach on the day I’m born is just 5-7 milliliters – that’s the size of a small marble!  You’re the smartest woman in my whole world, so I know you see the connection here!  The amount of colostrum in your breast is exactly the capacity of my tummy!  My stomach walls on my first day of life are very rigid and won’t stretch; this is why, if anyone tries to feed me with a bottle, I’m going to spit most of it back up again, even though I eagerly suck at it.  See, mommy, I only have two ways to send and receive information from my brand-new world – I can cry, and I can suck.  I can’t see much, and all these sounds are so much louder than when I was inside you, and I can use my hands to help me orient myself on your breast, but crying and sucking are pretty much how I make sense of everything.

From the Heart Photography – Tiffany Hileman

I know it seems really confusing, mommy, that I would want to suck and suck and suck even though my tummy is full.  When I suck, lots of great things happen for both of us.  I keep my own digestion moving by triggering the involuntary digestive muscles in peristalsis – moving the contents of my stomach along because I’m still moving my mouth and tongue, which are the beginning of my digestive tract.  When you let me do all this suckling at your breast, I can very easily regulate how I suck, depending on why I’m sucking at any given moment.  You can probably feel when I’m suckling nutritively and swallowing lots of milk, and when I’m kind of relaxed about it, feeding sort of like I’m savoring a bowl of ice cream … you know how sometimes, you scrape just a tiny bit onto your spoon, because you want it to last a long time?  To me, you’re better than ice cream!  But on a bottle, it’s impossible for me to suck and not get whatever’s in there, and that’s confusing to me, so I might keep sucking because that’s what my instinct is telling me to do, or I might realize my tummy hurts (because even on day 10, my stomach capacity is only a ping pong ball) and I’ll cry and cry because all I really know is crying and sucking!

A word about these instincts I feel … I really can’t help it, mommy, that I want to suckle so much.  It’s just how I came out, and there doesn’t seem to be much that I can do about it.  Please believe me, I’m not trying to trick you!  In a few weeks, this need lets up a tiny bit, but for now, suckling is my M.O.  But, do you want to know something really cool?  I’m not the only one who benefits!  When I suckle at your breast in these early days, your body actually activates prolactin receptors!  Isn’t that amazing?  In my first two weeks, the higher I make your prolactin levels go (my suckling triggers a prolactin surge in your body), the more of these receptors get activated in your breasts, and the higher your potential milk production will be for as long as you choose to breastfeed me.  That’s one reason your lactation consultant tells you to wait on introducing that bottle or that binky– this prolactin receptor thing only happens for the first 10-14 days.  After that, the prolatcin surges when I breastfeed are much smaller, so the more receptors there are to gobble up what prolactin is there, the more easily you’ll make all the milk I need.

Besides prolactin, there’s oxytocin, another hormone I activate when I am at your breast.  Oxytocin is part of what makes you so addicted to me!  It’s “the love hormone” and it helps you feel relaxed and content when we’re breastfeeding.  Go ahead, mommy, exhale and relax!  It’s OK!  Oxytocin release is triggered by nipple stimulation, not necessarily milk removal (though when things are going well, my stimulation of your nipples usually means I’m removing milk!).  Now, I know this might sound a little awkward coming from your baby, but I need you to know something about oxytocin.  There are only three events in your life that trigger oxytocin release: nipple stimulation (like when I’m breastfeeding), labor (the oxytocin released during childbirth stimulates uterine contractions, which is why nipple stimulation might be suggested when labor stalls, and also explains why sometimes, after you breastfeed me, you feel an increased expulsion of lochia and maybe some cramping), and … orgasm!!  Isn’t neat that the same hormone plays a part in making me, birthing me, and feeding me, and it’s a hormone that makes you feel GOOD to do all three?

Mommy, I know you are trying your very best for me and you’ve been worried about whether your body can satisfy my appetite.  I know you’re used to being able to measure everything, and your breasts don’t have markers on them to tell you how much milk I got.  Maybe you used a breast pump, and that confirmed your worries that there isn’t much milk there – but mommy, please understand that a good pump can mimic me, but your body wasn’t designed to have all these wonderful hormone surges for a cold piece of plastic with a noisy vacuum motor.  You know that feeling you get when you hold my warmth and weight, smell how delicious I am, and nom nom nom on my fat cheeks?  That feeling helps you make milk!  That feeling is part of the whole system that was designed to make you need to be close to me, just as much as I need to be close to you.  And mommy, I know you’re very busy, and important, and there’s so much you used to do before I came, and I know right now, it feels like you’ll never do those things again, and our house is getting messy, and maybe that scares you.  But please know, every moment you spend holding me, every time you gaze lovingly at me, and every hour you spend breastfeeding me in these early days is so important to me, because you’re all I know.  I love daddy and grandma and all of our friends, but I’m designed to be happiest and least stressed when I’m with you.  Can you wear me in a sling or soft carrier after I’m milk-drunk?  I really like listening to your heart beating while I sleep, and you are warm and soft and smell so good.  That space between your breasts is perfectly sized for my head, and there’s nothing I like better than the feel of your skin against mine.  Well, maybe there is something I like better … I love it when you sleep next to me after we’ve been breastfeeding.  Oh, mommy, when you nurse me while lying down, you relax and your milk flows so nicely, and I feel like you’re so happy to be with me, and I’m very special to you because you don’t have to run off and do something else as soon as I’ve let your breast go.

And mommy, I have a promise to make to you.  I can’t say for sure when it will happen, but there will come a day when I need you a little bit less intensely.  My feedings will get more organized, my weight gain will stabilize, and sometimes, I’ll even like when my daddy or grandma or other loving person holds me.  But today, I need you.  You’ll always be my number one, even after we’re done breastfeeding, but I will learn, like you did, to defer my needs and to trust others to meet them once you and I get a good thing going.  Thank you so much for all you’ve done for me so far. Until you start giving me an allowance, I hope my good health, sweet smiles, coos, and giggles will sustain you!

Love,

Baby


 

Many thanks to the hundreds of readers that shared so many beautiful photos of their newborn babies.  There is just a small sampling here but you all have incredible photographs of your beautiful babies.  Thank you for being willing to share and to all the photographers of these precious images!

 

Diana Cassar-Uhl, IBCLC and La Leche League Leader, has written articles for the La Leche League publications Leaven and Breastfeeding Today, and is the author of the La Leche League tear-off sheet Vitamin D, Your Baby, and You. She is a frequent presenter at breastfeeding education events. Excited about her work toward a Master of Public Health, Diana hopes to work in public service as an advisor to policymakers in maternal/child health and nutrition. Diana, mother to three breastfed children, has served as a clarinetist on active Army duty in the West Point Band since 1995. Diana enjoys running, writing, skiing, and cross-stitching when she finds herself with spare time.  She also writes at Normal, like breathing. 

 

Filed Under: Article, Articles from the professional experts, birth, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding the newborn, breastfeeding twins, Featured, guest posts, Photos, postpartum, Relational Resource Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Mothering Mistakes and the Human Spirit

April 6, 2011 by

This guest post is an important one and I’m honored to be bringing it to you.  Mi-Jo Sayegh is a very active member of The Leaky B@@b Facebook page offering encouragement, support and information to others through sharing her experience.  I love this post of hers and feel it is a message so many moms need to hear and take to heart.

When I was pregnant I didn’t know anything about labour or child birth.  I was so busy learning about breastfeeding and gathering all the information I could on that subject, the thought that there was any other way to have a baby, other than in the hospital with pain medication never even occurred to me.

I never got to have the natural birth I had hoped for.

Looking back, I know that there was series of events that led to my c-section.  Was it my fault ? Maybe , maybe not.  The end result was that my daughter had rapid breathing and ended up being in the NICU for 10 days.  I was not allowed to hold her for the first two days of her life, she never had contact with her mother, and was left to cry it out all alone in an oxygen tank.

I was a terrible mother.

It was all my fault.

According to a lot of mothers on the internet, the damage was done, my daughter would be traumatized for life and I couldn’t change it.

I had ruined my baby. This hard start would effect every aspect of her life, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was too late.

My ruined baby hardly ever cried the first year of her life.  She was sweet , content, easy to please and a generally happy little girl.  I’m sorry to say that the same can’t be said for her mother.

I cried, I felt guilty, I blamed myself, I blamed the doctors , and I wallowed in self pity.  Those are all normal emotions, but the worst thing that happened was I became an alarmist.

No one ever knew, but I obsessed about what I would feed her, how it would effect her if she had to cry for a few minutes while I went to the bathroom, whether or not she would be scarred for life if I needed a few hours away and Dad gave her a bottle of pumped milk.

I had visions of terrible things happening to her, of accidents and dangers that lurked around every corner.  I agonized over every potential mistake I never made and ones that I had.  The paranoia became all consuming.

I’m not sure when or why it happened, but one morning I woke up and realized that this way of mothering wasn’t going to work for me. I couldn’t continue living like this.

I remember my mother once telling me that she had not one ounce of guilt over the fact that she formula fed me. When I asked her why, she simply replied that ”You turned out just fine and we can only work with what we know at the time ”

Ok. I know how most people HATE that expression.

I do also, but I mostly hate it when people use it to argue science or dismiss new theories and studies.  My mother accepts that giving me solids very early, formula feeding and letting me watch too much tv were not the best choices and she would never try to claim otherwise.  But she also thought that wallowing in guilt over it could do much more damage to me in the long run.

I must admit that I now think she is right.

The more I think about it, the more right I think she is.  I’m not saying that doing any of these things are mistakes, but I know many mothers who regret choices they have made and let it consume them, I know, because I was one of them.

My guilt and paranoia was getting in the way of me being able to parent effectively. I’m not saying that we don’t have the right to feel guilty, we all have the right to our feelings, but I am saying that the way we act around our children, and the messages we send to them with our own behavior is probably more important than any other parenting choices or mistakes we make.

If I give my daughter the impression that making a parenting mistake is something I should suffer for, or is unacceptable and may ruin her for life, then how can I turn around and tell her it is ok to make mistakes and that it’s not the end of the world?  Surely I can’t, because then I would be a hypocrite.

I have come to terms with the mistakes I’ve made now.

I accept them, I learned from them, and I have moved on.  I don’t get defensive about them, I admit when I could have done things differently, but I am also aware that these mistakes will not alter my child’s entire destiny.  What better life lesson can we give our children than the lesson of self forgiveness ?  I’m a less guilty mom now, but I’m not perfect and that is fine by me.

I believe in informed choices, I believe in trying to do the best we can, but I also believe in the human spirit.  My daughter is going to be fine.  She isn’t ruined.  I only wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize that. Her spirit is strong, she’s a survivor, and there aren’t many mistakes I could make that will change that, as long as I keep on trying my best and learning from my regrets.

Guilt is ok, it’s an important emotion, but I also now know it doesn’t make me a bad mother to let go of it.

If anything, it has made me a better one.

I want my daughter to grow up knowing there is no such thing as perfection, knowing that I made mistakes and that I am sorry, but that it is ok to forgive yourself.  I want her to see that no matter what sort of mistake she makes, or if she makes choices she regrets, it’s going to be ok, she is going to be ok and that no one expects her to make the right decisions all the time.  I want her to have faith in the human spirit.  I want her to have confidence in her ability to bounce back from anything.  I want her to know that any wrong she makes can be made right and that if it can’t, she has the ability to make it through the hard times.

I want other moms to have faith in that also, for themselves and for their children.  I want other moms to have know I have faith in them.  I want other moms to know that it is ok to feel guilt and regret.  I also want them to realize it’s ok to let it go and that it doesn’t make them uncaring mothers.

We can’t know for sure that when our children get sick, that it isn’t our fault.  We can’t know that the choices we made, the ones we regret, won’t have some sort of impact on them later on in life.   We can know that obsessing about it and letting it get in the way of our day to day life will have a greater impact.  I have no proof of this, but I believe it with all of my heart.

My challenge to you is to try to have a guilt free day today.

Let it go, and enjoy your children.  You are allowed, and you deserve it.  In the end, our memories and our human spirit are all we have.  If we spend our short time here on earth with our children, obsessing about past wrongs, it may end up being the biggest regret we have.

Filed Under: Article, birth, Breastfeeding, formula, guest posts, guilt, motherhood

A Time To Heal- A look at postpartum recovery

December 22, 2010 by

This post was inspired by something I wrote a year ago to a friend feeling overwhelmed with life and the physical condition of her body just 3 weeks after giving birth.  I’ve changed a lot of it and added to it to apply to more women but the message is the same.

Laboring at home.

I often see or hear of women pushing themselves to return to normal as quickly as possible after birth.  In a hurry to get their life and body back they jump into a myriad of activities at warp speed, often just days after giving birth.  Riding on the birth and baby high, pumped full of adrenaline yet restless from the last few weeks of pregnancy, particularly if they felt like a watched pot, these women fill their schedule, attack their house, and find new projects determined to not be slowed down, impatiently trying to control and master this new version of normal. 

These women are often viewed with admiration and awe and the media highlights celebrities that are back to their prepregnant weight by 6 weeks or were spotted out jogging at 3 weeks or were back on the set of their TV show at 10 days.  This is held up as the epitome of a strong woman, give birth, bounce back, conquer world.  After all, women in China squat in a rice field, push their baby out and throw them on their back then return to work, right?


It’s as though we’ve forgotten to celebrate.  We’ve forgotten how important it is to rest after a hard work and enjoy the fruit of our labors.  We’ve forgotten that while pregnancy and childbirth may not be an illness our bodies still need to recover from the taxing physical and emotional demands of the endeavor. 

Pregnancy, labor and childbirth may be a normal part of life but it is anything but easy.  The change a woman’s body goes through are massive to say nothing of the emotional journey as well.  Ignoring this reality can have serious consequences for our bodies, our emotional health, our breastfeeding relationship with our baby, our mothering, and our families.  Do not underestimate the potential for damage if we neglect our postpartum healing.

Smunchie, 2 weeks.

 

I understand the temptation, the drive.  My pregnancies are difficult and I feel more alive after birth than I ever feel during the months of pregnancy so I can’t wait to get back to feeling well and being active.  Two weeks after giving birth to my first we moved and I returned to teaching private lessons and was leading worship at 3 weeks.  With my second I was performing at 6 days postpartum (dress rehearsal was at 5 days), my dress too tight in the chest thanks to being engorged and my baby in the green room with a friend where I’d run to nurse her between sets praying I wouldn’t soak through my breast pads.  With my 3rd baby I did nothing… for a week and then I was back cleaning my house, cooking and grocery shopping.  I actually had maternity leave that time and I took it, mostly.  The only reason I wasn’t out shopping, taking the older kids to the park and lessons was because we all got the flu when she was just 3 weeks old. 

Almost 5 years later baby #4 was born and I still hadn’t learned my lesson, shopping at Baby’s R Us at 2 days postpartum, walking the mall at 2 weeks and attending births at 3 weeks and that was after experiencing uterine prolapse during the pushing stage.  In the 2 years between #4 and #5 I learned a lot, worked with a lot of women as a midwife student and doula, studied different cultures’ approach to birth and motherhood, talked to midwives and many mothers and came to realize that we were missing something vital. 

Nearly a year ago with Smunchie I did nothing for almost 4 weeks and then tried to gradually ease into activity after that.  The biggest obstacle I encountered in trying to rest?  Not my children, not the house cleaning, not the cooking, not anything I was missing out on.  No, the biggest obstacle was the voice in my head and a tiny handful of other people (including the company that came to “help”) saying I couldn’t let this “keep me down,” I was strong and there was so much to do. 

Stupid voices.


Dear pregnant women and recently postpartum women, I have a few things to say to you.  Please, please, please let yourself rest and recover, do not be impatient with this postpartum time.  You have gone through so much and now is the time to simply be with your baby.  You have not done a small thing, no.  This major organ and bag of muscles in your body grew quickly more than tripling in size in a few months. Your blood volume more than doubled. Demands were placed on your body and while it rose to the challenge this also depleted your resources. Organs shifted and were smashed. 

If you had a vaginal birth your body worked to move your baby down and out, stretching, pulling, opening, applying 40-60 pounds of pressure as your uterus flexed it’s great strength to bring you your baby.  Parts of your body stretched and eased out a whole person, a small person but still, a person.  And maybe not that small.  Any tearing or swelling needs time to heal.  If you encountered interventions outside of your body’s own initiative then you have additional physical stress and possibly emotional stress to recover from as well. 

For those that had a cesarean, you had major (as in, serious, muscle separating, invasive) surgery that removed a significant mass (baby, sorry) from your body causing significant blood loss, a shift of internal organs, and an incision that all require recovery and healing.  C-section surgery may be the most common surgery in our country but that doesn’t make it any less invasive and traumatizing on the body. C-sections don’t mean you get to completely skip out on postpartum recovery and “only” have to recover from surgery, no, you have both to do and this isn’t easy.  Some of you labored and had major abdominal surgery too. 

However your baby was born you need rest and lots and lots of it.  Either way there is a large wound inside you where the placenta was attached, it needs rest to heal.  Days or weeks into your postpartum recovery you are healing from huge physical changes and giving birth, maybe surgery, tears, and more. There are major risks to not resting and not recovering well including anemia, uterine and pelvic prolapse, scaring, life-long incontinence, infection, incision rupture, muscle strain, depression, and much more.  

Six weeks is a small amount of time to ensure you recover well.  Mothers recovering from a c-section, remember you had major surgery and you should be resting, REALLY resting for at least 8 weeks knowing that surgery can take even longer for full recovery.

My roses from The Piano Man after Smunchie’s birth and my baby hanging out.



The western world has placed unrealistic expectations and demands on new mothers during the postpartum period. We not only neglect them but we ask them to neglect themselves! I’m a firm believer that staying home, lounging in your PJs for 6 weeks with good food, real support, and helpers is the best way to set a new mother up for success.

In cultures where this is practiced postpartum depression rates are significantly lower, mothers report being happier and more confident and partner relationships are stronger. A woman’s partner sees that she has gone through a physically trans-formative experience and respects that more in her. I am a huge advocate of pregnancy and birth as normal, life events, not an illness but at the same time recognize that we must embrace the changes that this normal process brings our bodies with peace, rest, and gentleness for ourselves.

I know it’s hard, I know you’ve been stuck feeling crappy at the end of pregnancy for what feels like ages and it is hard not to be in a hurry to return to normal. There can be an itch to return to normal activity.  But here’s the reality check we rarely talk about: you have a new normal now.  Life will never go back completely the same, everything has changed.  Normal is now redefined. This new normal includes having been pregnant and giving birth, being a mother for the first time or having one (or 2 or 3) more children than you did before.  Busy before looks nothing like busy now.  Sleep is changed.  Instead of handbag you carry a diaper bag.  You don’t even pee the same way.  Your body is different.  

Our culture tells us these things are the bad parts of becoming a mother but maybe they are actually the good parts.  I don’t know but what I do know is that at first it is just crazy overwhelming. Your postpartum time can help you ease into this new normal as much as possible. Pull out of your regular activities, they will be fine not having you for a few weeks I promise. You will too. Recognize that there will have to be a lot of flexibility because your baby simply isn’t going to be reading the same things you are. Just like with labor and birth take it one step, one minute at a time. Go easy on yourself and show yourself some grace. 

Even if you have other children already you need this time and the truth is they do to.  Having things change drastically for them for a short time isn’t going to be the end of the world.  In our family, an almost no screen-time family, we watched lots of movies all day, played wii, ate in the living room, had a stack of library books, got some special toys we pulled out for this time and believe it or not, we didn’t explode.  It was fine and we moved back into our routine in time.  

Embracing the changes you are all experiencing means giving room for them to happen.  And by the way, those celebrities you see, they have help, lots and lots of help.  Not to mention they’re not respecting themselves either by ignoring this time.

The Piano Man sitting with a jaundiced Smunchie in the sun while I napped, well, napped after I took this pic.


Now, I’m pulling out the mommy tone… you can ignore me if you like but I have to say it.

Put the car seat down. For that matter, put the keys down. You don’t have to be super mom. In fact, if you try you are likely to burn out and find yourself much worse off. Take it or leave it but I’m giving you permission to not wash your hair, not change your clothes, not leave the house, not wash a dish, not pick-up a toy and not do anything else than put a DVD on, sit on the couch with your precious baby and be the postpartum woman you actually are.  Stare into your baby’s eyes, stare at partner staring into your baby’s eyes. Close your eyes and take a nap when all three of you are tired of staring.  Focus on breastfeeding and getting your supply well established, take the time to get both you and your baby comfortable with breastfeeding.  Sip a glass of wine once in a while, take a long shower while someone else holds your baby, ask a friend paint your toe nails.  Have your husband bring food home, if you don’t care, let him pick, if you do care, call ahead and have the order placed and just let him know where to stop on his way home. Order extra so there are left-overs for tomorrow.  Ask him to help pick up around the house even while you just lay in bed or sit on the couch.  Yes, he’s tired, yes, he may be working a lot and dealing with the stress of sleep issues with a newborn in the house (maybe) but, sorry, you still have the trump card of 9 months of major body changes, the extreme workout of your uterus contracting and pushing our a baby or the muscles in your abdomen recently severed, pulled apart and opened and your baby extracted from your insides after which you were put back together but not completely. Put the car seat down. Oh, I said that earlier. Well, I mean it.

Ask for help, friends, family, or hired help (postpartum doulas are great) and actually let them help.  You need rest and healing. Whatever that looks like. Who gives a flip if you take 6 weeks to do nothing?  Being truly rested and healed is worth the time.  You don’t have to be on house arrest the whole time by any stretch but after giving yourself a good 2-3 weeks staying in, ease yourself into the outings slowly and listen to your body and go home when it says it’s had enough and it’s time to rest.

Your body has ways to tell you when you’re not resting enough.  If you spot any of these in yourself it’s time to slow down.

Bright red bleeding– The first few days the lochia (postpartum discharge of blood, tissue, and mucus) is usually heavy and red but it tapers off to pink and mucusy and then brown.  When you see bright red after it has changed then you are doing too much.

Thirst– Change in blood volume, hormones, sweating, and breastfeeding make staying hydrated important.  If you’re thirsty then your body is telling you it’s dehydrated so please slow down and drink more and eat food rich in water.

Exhaustion– Being tired goes with having a new baby but if you’re exhausted you’re setting yourself up for a host of other problems including postpartum depression.  Sleep is important.  The old adage to nap when the baby naps isn’t just for fun, you really need to try to sleep every chance you can.

Baby Blues– It’s completely normal to have a wide range of emotions after having a baby and feeling a little blue isn’t uncommon.  However, when that feeling is stronger than just a bit of the blues or you find yourself battling overwhelming sadness, anxiety and stress, look and see if your schedule is too full.  Don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor about it if the blues turn into something much more oppressive.

Constipation– There are several causes for constipation including diet and fluid intake but did you know that if you’re not getting the rest you need and not taking the time to eat and drink well it can also contribute?  And after pregnancy and birth you want to keep things easy down there.

Trouble sleeping– Babies wake often to feed so sleep can be a little difficult to come by in the early days.  If you find yourself unable to sleep when you do actually have the chance it could be because you’re not getting enough rest and are overtired.  Activity can help with sleep to but don’t rush into anything, take your time and be well rested to avoid a vicious cycle.

Breastfeeding troubles– There is nothing like staying home for weeks, putting your feet up and making sure you and your baby get off to as good a start as possible.  This takes work, attention and sometimes perseverance.  The first week is particularly important, lay in bed, eat, drink, nurse, change diapers there, and get your supply established by feeding on demand. The dust bunnies can wait, someone else can do the dishes or use paper plates but this breastfeeding relationship is for the long haul and not something that you want to worry about fixing later.

Continued bleeding– Most women stop bleeding anywhere between 3-6 weeks postpartum.  I have seen with myself and with other women that the postpartum bleeding time can be greatly reduced by resting and for those that don’t rest it often extends, sometimes going much longer than 6 weeks.

Touched out– Babies like to be close which is great, we like to have them close too.  But sometimes you may wonder when was the last time someone wasn’t touching you.  If you start feeling touched out and overwhelmed with physical contact it may be time to let someone else hold your baby.  Your brain is signaling for you to take care of yourself and being fatigued will make you overly sensitive to stimulation.  Feed your baby and hand him/her off while you take a nap alone, shower or make a run to the coffee shop drive-through.

It wasn’t until my 5th baby that I finally rested postpartum.  Looking back I don’t regret taking that time at all and I wish I had respected myself and my babies more the 4 times prior.  Due to some health concerns with Smunchie it wasn’t exactly the restful period I had hoped for but it was significantly more so than it had ever been with my 4 older girls.  My bleeding time was 3 weeks, we stocked up on cuddles as a family, I was actually able to sleep even with a crazy breastfeeding and pumping schedule, and I felt great.  There were moments when I felt I should be doing something but nothing was left undone that either someone else couldn’t do or couldn’t wait for me to get around to it.  To combat feeling lazy and unproductive (sleep is productive though!) I did knit some and really enjoyed having my baby laying next to me while I knit her some sweet clothes.

Roses, baby and my knitting 1 week postpartum.



In all of my long-winded babbling my point is respect yourself, respect this time.  Hold onto it, fight for it, it will pass quickly and there are precious moments here.  Moments of healing, moments of growing, moments of developing, moments of transition, moments of deepening and moments of memory. The first six weeks or so pass in a blur as it is, slow down so you don’t miss them entirely. If you are too busy for those moments you will feel like you missed something and your body will not be in a place to help support the pace of life having a new baby now puts you.  There is no doubt you can do it but how you begin can make a huge difference in how you continue.  Rest for now, busy will always find you again later and your new normal will engulf you soon enough.

Filed Under: Article, birth, Breastfeeding, postpartum
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