Don’t Ever Want To Forget

For our WBW blog carnival on “Perspectives: Breastfeeding From Every Angle” we are pleased to host guest posts from various contributors. Today we are honored to share a beautiful poem from Alex and her memories looking back at her child-led weaning experience when her daughter was 3.5 years old.


Don’t Want to Forget

I don’t ever want to forget

That she called them Waa, and then MommaWaa, and then Yummies, and finally they were her Yums.

That she named them Jack and Jill, and she loved them.

That when I laid her down, the imprint of her ear would be pressed into my arm just below my elbow and I always wanted to be brave enough to get it tattooed there.

I don’t ever want to forget

Her sleep eating.

How angry I felt sometimes, and how I had to learn to listen to what both our bodies needed.

How I thought it would never end, and then it did.

******
A Child-led Weaning

It’s been happening slowly and organically, just the way I had always hoped. Less and less often with occasional bouts of tornado like nursing, reassuring herself, I think, that all was still good in her world.

The day before yesterday I thought it might be coming to an end, this amazing relationship, and I soaked up the warmth of her – the weight in my arms, her ear pressed into the bend of my elbow. The stillness that only belongs to that moment. Then today, when she nursed (due to the natural rules of demand based supply) there was nothing. And miracle beyond all miracles, she was ok!

I told her that her yummies say she is big enough now, she doesn’t need their milk anymore. And so she stood up to check how big she was and then asked if she could hug them outside their bra. Her smile was so happy and full that I had to take pictures. And so we were done.

We baked a cake last night, and Daddy grilled steaks. We put every candle we had on the cake, and we blew them out together, the three of us. It was a group effort all round, this breastfeeding thing.

I do feel as though I have lost one of my tools. What about her runny nose? What do I do next time she has the flu? Dehydration? I’ve never had to worry about that!

And I feel proud! Proud of her and me and us. I was scared from the get go that breastfeeding wouldn’t work for me. My body lets me down sometimes, and I feel like I don’t stick with things that are hard. But I did it, and it really is empowering. I feel as though I have birthed again. An end to one stage, one I cannot go back and revisit, but with it the sure knowledge that I have done a good thing and she is full.

Baby Belle Girl, I wish that all your transitions could be this good. That I could know that you have had your fill, are completely satisfied and are ready to go. I hope I can always let go and know that now I’ve done what I needed to do. Mama’s so proud of you.

Alex’s Daughter.

It’s Happy Hour! Breastfeeding Advocacy Wear for Baby!

She’s just starting out with her little business and has the cutest little model. Sarah Campbell is giving away one of her vibrant Misfit Moms breastfeeding advocacy onesies for The Leaky B@@bs Happy Hour give-away from 4-10pm CST today for World Breastfeeding Week. Your own adorable little model could boldly crawl around declaring his or her commitment to breastfeeding by wearing a fun, colorful onesie with the international breastfeeding symbol emblazoned on the chest.

It’s Happy Hour at The Leaky B@@b. To be entered, head over to The Leaky B@@b on FaceBook and look for the post on our wall saying “Comment here to win!” You don’t have to do anything else to be entered but I’d love it if you did “like” the Misfit Mama FaceBook Page. Please, please, pretty please with a cherry in your cocktail?

Exclusively Pumping: My Journey Thus Far

For our WBW blog carnival on “Perspectives: Breastfeeding From Every Angle” we are pleased to host guest posts from various contributors. Today we are honored to share from Beth Anne Mowery, exclusively pumping mom for her son Preston.

Before I became pregnant I had never really given breastfeeding much thought as no one in my family or I knew had done it. Once I became pregnant I bought many pregnancy and parenting books to help me prepare for the unknown that was happening to me. I read about breastfeeding and how it was so much better for the baby to receive the colostrum when they were first born. I decided that I liked the idea of breast milk, but would prefer to pump. There was not a lot of information on pumping, so as my due date approached I decided I would give breastfeeding a try first and go from there. Somehow I would make sure Preston got that “liquid gold” I had read so much about.

On the day of Preston’s birth, I breastfed him right after he was born. I was tired, he was tired, and I was anxious as any first time mother is. The nurses kept pressuring me to give him formula until my milk “came in.” I politely refused and told them he was doing just fine. It hurt so bad, I’m not going to lie. I wanted to give up, but I knew that this was something I needed and wanted to do for my son. My recovery nurse even threatened that they would take my baby to the NICU for low blood sugar if I didn’t give him formula. I hand expressed some milk into a little cup and fed him that way to prove to that nurse that yes in fact my baby was getting something in his tummy.

We bought my pump before we left the hospital because I insisted to my husband that I had to have it. It was around $300 for the pump, plus all the extra storage containers and what not to go with it, quite a large investment. When we got home I had so many visitors. Everyone kept asking if they could feed Preston a bottle. I tried to explain that I was nursing, but they all laughed and exclaimed in a few weeks I would come to my senses and he would be on formula. I did not feel comfortable nursing period let alone in front of all of my visitors, so I quietly got my pump and went to my bedroom determined to prove all of them wrong. I was going to give Preston the best thing I could ever give him, no matter how badly it might hurt. That’s how I got started exclusively pumping or EP.

I felt much more comfortable with the pump on my breasts than I did with my son. He hurt and liked to look around and pull my nipple from day one. He did not have any latching issues, but for my sanity, pumping worked better for me and he was still getting my “liquid gold.” As the days turned to weeks and the weeks became months, I learned more about breast milk than I ever thought humanly possible. Did it hurt at first? Hell yes it hurt, but that pain was for a good cause, my son. A mother will do ANYTHING for the well-being of their child. After about 14 weeks, it didn’t hurt so bad, I guess I became immune to the pain. Now, pumping is habit and I don’t know what life is like not doing it.

At first I barely got anything, but I would offer Preston what I had pumped and he took it eagerly. I tried to pump then feed him, but I discovered he was hungry a lot sooner than I was pumping. I finally figured out to pump ever 2 hours around the clock, even if he was sleeping, so I could keep up with his demands. Little by little ½ an ounce became 1 ounce then 1 ounce became 2 ounces. I now pump after every bottle he takes; it varies between 2-4 hours, but no longer than 4 hours. I even get up in the middle of the night to pump, even though Preston sleeps a solid 6 hours during the night. I am now proud to say I make over 35 ounces a day (way more than he eats). I freeze the daily leftovers for my just in case stash, but I always offer him fresh milk for his next feeding. It tickles me to death that I have been EPing for over 4 months and I am still going strong and my supply is wonderful. I have had to take Fenugreek and drink Mother’s Milk Tea to help regulate my supply. Lactation consultants are invaluable for their advice with supply regulation. Use them!!

Oh and EPing has some pretty amazing perks besides being best for baby. The biggest perks to EPing are as follows: I can pretty much eat whatever I want (as long as Preston tolerates it well) and not gain weight, his poop doesn’t smell bad (HUGE plus!!-have you ever smelled a formula fed baby’s diaper—phew!!), no stinky/staining spit-up, Preston smells great (like vanilla), have you seen a “milk drunk” baby? (That is some hardcore sleeping), the money we save is AWESOME, and finally breast milk makes babies smarter (who doesn’t want an Ivey League graduate?).

I love it when people ask me why I am still pumping or even why I do it. I take this opportunity to educate them (mostly young 20-somethings like myself) on the importance of breast milk rather fresh from the tap or given in a bottle. I even have my 16 year old cousin thinking that pumping breast milk for the baby or nursing your baby is the normal thing. She said she saw a woman nursing in public at Disney World and she told her how awesome it was she was giving her baby such an amazing gift! Gosh I was proud of my cousin for saying that to the nursing mother.

My family (with exceptions to my mom, husband, mother in law, and cousin) still think I am crazy for giving Preston breast milk. They keep offering to pay for formula if “money is an issue.” They don’t understand I want to and need to do this for Preston’s health, which it is just not about saving money. It is about saving his health, giving him antibodies to protect him, and starting him out on the right path nutritionally. I love looking at my son knowing that every roll on his legs or arms is because of me and my hard work and dedication with pumping around the clock. That baby fat is from my milk alone and nothing else. My baby is thriving and happy on my breast milk and at the end of the day that is really all that matters.

World Breastfeeding Week- Tuesday!

10 year old Eve’s perspective of her mother breastfeeding.
Submitted for the Children’s Art Project “Perspectives: Breastfeeding Through Children’s Eyes.”

This Tuesday of World Breastfeeding Week 2010 brings us some more wonderful ways to celebrate. We have give-aways, guest posts, art work and of course, the blog carnival.

Submissions are coming in for the Children’s Art Project. Scan or photograph your child’s art about breastfeeding and send it to me, it could be selected as to be the print on note cards from Paper Mama benefiting the Best For Babes Foundation.

Last night The Leaky B@@b started Happy Hour from 4-9 CST giving away a beautiful Katie M. Berggren print of the winner’s choice. Today we have yet another Happy Hour give-away on FaceBook, a KIDS EAT FREE! give away on the blog from YoHo Graphix 4 me, another Katie M. Berggren print and a special World Breastfeeding Week give-away from PumpEase. Still today, we have the Safe Sippy2 give-away from Natural Pure Essentials AND she is giving The Leaky B@@b readers a very special 10% off discount for the rest of World Breastfeeding Week with the code leakyboob.

The blog carnival rolls along today with more great participants from all over the blogsphere.

Sacred Time: Nursing My Baby To Sleep– Code Name: Mama brings a sweet guest post to the carnival with the personal and touching story of a mom’s love for breastfeeding her daughter when she can through difficult breastfeeding challenges. Dionna writes about natural/attachment parenting and life with a toddler (soon to be preschooler) at Code Name: Mama. She also cofounded NursingFreedom.org, a site dedicated to normalizing breastfeeding and advocating for breastfeeding rights.

Breastfeeding
– Feminist, Christian, married without kids, The Hyphen House brings us a perspective on breastfeeding we haven’t seen yet in our carnival. Lauran Kerr-Heraly is an American writer based in London. She holds a Ph.D. in history and women’s studies from the University of Houston. Along with her husband, Eric, she enjoys traveling and playing Scrabble obsessively.

From Hesitancy to Hysteria: The Evolution of This Breastfeeding Mother– She wasn’t sure about the whole breastfeeding thing but my, how things can change! Jennifer is a stay-at-home-mom of two boys writing about how her life has changed in a short time from being in the work-place and happy hour to life with kids at The Whacky Lactivist.

A Celebration of World Breastfeed Week 2010– Nutrition, bonding, we all know how great breastfeeding is so why should we need a week devoted to it? Toni Rakestraw of At My Breast is the mother of 8 breastfed children. She is a writer and an artist and she is currently looking for subjects for a drawing project she has and is requesting photos of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

It’s All Fun and Games… Until You Squirt Someone’s Eye Out
– Designer Lisa Criggeris offering up a free breastfeeding advocacy embroidery design every day this week. This one may just be my favorite.

On The Leaky B@@b we have 2 guests posts again both talking about bottles. In Behind The Bottle: A Caregiver’s Perspective, we hear the observations of Stephanie, a child care provider and in Exclusively Pumping, Beth shares about her experience and journey to exclusively pumping her breastmilk for her son Preston.

I hope I have time today to write some of my own perspectives on breastfeeding, as you, I’m sure you can imagine, I have a lot to say. Hit the Facebook wall often to stay up to date with all The Leaky B@@b activities going on through out the day. Visit The Leaky B@@b forums for sneak peeks, chat with other breastfeeding supporters, help trouble shoot breastfeeding problems, and have a safe place to share your breastfeeding moments captured on camera.

This beautiful photo was shared on The Leaky B@@b forum by Kim and shared here with permission.

Hope you’re enjoying all the fun!

Behind the Bottle: A Caregiver’s Perspective

For our WBW blog carnival on “Perspectives: Breastfeeding From Every Angle” we are pleased to host guest posts from various contributors. Today we are honored to share from Stephanie, mother and child-care provider sharing her perspective of breastfeeding from the other side of the bottle, be it breastmilk or formula.

I have been a caregiver to many children in the past 8 years. The children come and go. Some of the children outgrow me and head off to school and some simply move away. Each child has come to me as an infant and left as a toddler or preschooler. I have seen all kinds: the hard core breast only baby, the all formula baby, and the ones that have been a mixture of both. I have answered my door with a child at the breast and seen rejection, enjoyment, and loss in the eyes of the mothers whose children I keep watch over. These are the things that I have learned.

Some mothers genuinely enjoy breastfeeding. They relish the bond and enjoy the feel of continuing to nurture their child past birth. These mothers light up when their babies are near and quickly whisk them away when it is time to go home. They don’t linger on the way home or make detours. No unscheduled shopping trips for them. They are eager to be reunited with their child and clasp them to their heart. Some of these joyful breastfeeders have trouble keeping up their supply when they return to work. I have watched and offered support to these mothers as their milk slowly diminishes and they begin to supplement with formula. It saddens them to have to supplement but they still continue to nurse whenever they are able, even if it’s only once or twice a day. In these mother’s eyes I see joy and loss when they see another woman nurse her child.

Some mothers who breastfeed resent it. They don’t understand the loss that the joyful breastfeeders feel. Weaning to them is a relief and can’t come soon enough. I have often wondered why these mothers even bother breastfeeding at all. Is it so they can say that they weathered the hardships of motherhood? The sleepless nights, the engorged breasts, the biting, the sore nipples… What makes a woman breastfeed when she doesn’t like it? Have we come to the point in society where breastfeeding is the norm? I don’t think so. And any mother who has been asked to nurse in a restroom wouldn’t think so either. Is it because all her friends did it? If that is the reason then kudos to the friends that gave her such a fine example. Is it financial? Not necessarily because most of the reluctant breastfeeders have the most expensive pumps on the market. They have all the best breastfeeding accessories and seem to flaunt the fact that they DO breastfeed. The only conclusion that I have been able to reach is that they nurse for the glory. I do not understand these mothers at all but they are out there. I do not include women who struggle to breast feed in this category. These glory hounds have breastfed easily and pumped with ease. I am glad for their children’s sake that they chose to breastfeed though whatever their personal motivation. I have found that these type of mothers are the least eager to come and get their children and the ones who most often “need a break” from the demands of motherhood.


Next are the mothers who formula feed their children. With all the evidence that is available today why would anyone choose to give their children second rate food? In my experience it isn’t because these mothers do not love their children just as much as women who joyfully nurse do. I have found that it is a mental and emotional block that they themselves have, a feeling that breasts are sexual and not to be exposed to young children. Along with this feeling there are fears of inadequacy; they won’t have enough milk, the baby won’t eat enough and will starve, their partner will find them unattractive if they breastfeed, and the list goes on and on. All of the formula fed children I have cared for are products of families that have formula fed for the past three generations. It was good enough for their parents and themselves so it’s good enough for their children. To breastfeed would be an unspoken criticism of their mothers and fathers. “Why do you have to breastfeed? You were formula fed and you turned out just fine.” Choosing how you will nourish your child has never been more complicated than in the past 40 years with the resurgence of breastfeeding.

Many breastfeeders I know are first generation breastfeeders. I have been blessed to be a second generation breastfeeder. My mother chose to breastfeed myself and all 7 of my brothers and sisters. I was her first and she fell victim to the classic myth that her milk was no good and stopped breastfeeding after 6 weeks. With my sister she had a friend who saw her struggling once again to breastfeed. Her friend showed her the trick to getting a proper latch and how to keep the baby awake so that she ate. My mother is still a passionate advocate of breastfeeding. I learned from her the joy of watching a mother and child bond together and the closeness that comes from joyfully nursing your newborn. Two of my sisters have children and they too have breastfed their children. For us it wasn’t even a question because of the example our mother had provided for us. We knew that breastfeeding was the best way to feed our babies and that’s what we did. It is my hope that my boys will be supportive and encourage their wives to breastfeed when the time comes for them to have children. It is my fondest hope that we can so normalize breastfeeding that it is the primary way that infants everywhere are fed. There is no shame in feeding a child from a breast. Breastfeeding is not something that is dirty or sexual. It is the way nature intended for us to be fed. So nurse your baby proudly and don’t be afraid to share your love and support for the next generation of breastfeeders.

It’s Happy Hour! Katie M Berggren 5 hour give-away


Her work is stunning, heart-warming and intimate. Katie M Berggren captures something that can usually only be felt and freezes it to be remembered forever, immortalized in one of her moving paintings. You should go drool over her website and etsy.

And from 4-9 PM Central time you can win an 8×10 print of your choice from her collection.

Go do a happy dance, I know you want to.

It’s Happy Hour at The Leaky B@@b. To be entered, head over to The Leaky B@@b on FaceBook and look for the post on our wall saying “Comment here to win!”

KIDS EAT FREE! Natural Pure Essentials Safe Sippy Give-Away

It’s going to be raining give-aways around here this week. For real.

Eventually every customer has to drink from something other than straight from the tap. For those moments our personal favorite is the Safe Sippy.

Natural Pure Essentials is offering a Safe Sippy 2 of her choice for a fantastic TLB World Breastfeeding Week give-away. If you don’t win this one you’re in luck, because our fellow Leaky, Navine, owner of Natural Pure Essentials, has more in stock in her store for you to grab one of your own. Whether you’re putting water, cow’s milk, b@@bie juice or something else in your Safe Sippy, you know it’s BPA-free and durable enough for even the toughest toddler. And if you’re looking for other products that support natural parenting choices, be sure to look through her store. Some of my favorites in her shop include the Boba 2G Baby Carrier, the 12oz Safe Sporter (I want some of these!), summer essential ThinkBaby/ThinkSport sunscreen, and the cute, not to mention on sale AIO diapers.

To be entered for the Safe Sippy from Natural Pure Essentials, simply check out their website, tell us your favorite product, share it with some friends via FaceBook, a parenting forum (not TLB), twitter or some other social network and then leave a comment saying “I love ________ (product) and I told everyone!”

For an additional entry, go “like” Natural Pure Essentials on Facebook and leave another comment letting me know you did so.

That’s it!

If I could enter my own give-away (could somebody else come be The Leaky B@@b for a bit so I could win something?!) I would have to say that my favorite product is the Silikids Siliskin Glass Bottles-4oz. It’s what I want to get anyway, I already know that my very favorite is the Safe Sippy, we have two and love them.

Good luck!

Squiggle Bug drinks out of her Safe Sippy while in The Piano Man’s arms during a family photo shoot.

**********************************************************************************************************

This Give-Away Is Now Closed!
Thanks to Natural Pure Essentials and everyone that entered.

The winner is Jaime B! Natural Pure Essentials has your e-mail address and will be in touch as to what size and what design you’d like. Congrats and enjoy! Oh, and once you get your shirts, we’d love to see some action shots!

World Breastfeeding Week- It’s Monday and we’ve got more!

This beautiful photo was sent in by Xena.

Yesterday was fun, lots of great things going on all over for World Breastfeeding Week and we’ve had our own fair share of good things here.

I’m probably most excited about our children’s art project with the theme “Perspectives: Breastfeeding Through Children’s Eyes.” I’d be thrilled to post each and every submission we receive from kid artists on the theme of breastfeeding. Of all the perspectives and voices out there, our kids are the ones I care about the most and are poised for the greatest impact of raising breastfeeding support and awareness. I can’t wait to see what your kids send in. You can find details for submitting here.

Also exciting are the give-aways. There are more give-aways coming through out this week but if you haven’t already entered the Paper Mama Give Away for a Mom/Baby t-shirt set, go enter now and join in the fun. You only have until 1.30pm CST.

Continuing our “Perspectives: Breastfeeding From Every Angle” blog carnival we’re setting our scope wide yet again engaging our mind and heart as we consider breastfeeding through the lenses of others.

Breastfeeding as an Environmental Movement– Thorough, researched and well written, Abbie, Farmer’s Daughter, uses her background in science to explore the potential global impact of breastfeeding. She is a wife, mom, teacher and environmentalist who was raised on her family’s farm. She cooks from scratch, garden, craft, read and writes in her spare time.

The Guilty Nursing Mom
– Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions when breastfeeding our babies and even when they are they are the right ones we may struggle with guilt. Blogging mom Navine Acevedo is the owner of Natural Pure Essentials.

How Can We Increase the Breastfeeding Age to Two?– The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding for a minimum of 2 years yet on average the breastfeeding rates in the states are below 20% by 6 months. We’re invited to discuss ways to improve those statistics on NursingFreedom.org. NursingFreedom.org was cofounded by Dionna of Code Name: Mama and Paige of Baby Dust Diaries. NursingFreedom.org is dedicated to normalizing breastfeeding and advocating for breastfeeding rights. Please follow NursingFreedom.org on its Facebook page to connect with other mamas who are passionate about breastfeeding advocacy..

A Nurses Perspective of Breast Feeding Promotion– Gentle lactivist, wife, mom of 4, and OB nurse, Jackie writes at State of Grace and highlights some of the benefits of breastfeeding with a focus on how health care professionals can encourage, support and educate the public in a well presented paper that addresses practices related to the promotion of breastfeeding. And when you’re done reading that, get a giggle with some Soon-to-be and New Dads Comments and be encouraged by the BFing friendly policies at her new hospital in What a Week.

Worth Learning For
– She was told “You do not TRY to nurse a baby. You either do or you do not” and her world was changed forever. Sarah Christensen writes candidly and humorously about her experiences mothering (and breastfeeding!) her one-year-old nursling at BecomingSarah.com.

We have two guest posts today sharing very different experiences with breastfeeding and how our culture and past can come into play. In Broken for You, Karen bravely opens up about how past abuse impacted her emotionally and the impact that hurt had on her breastfeeding her daughters. Mexican-American cultures dance together in Martha’s story and she tells how she figured out who and what she really is through breastfeeding.

And there’s more coming! Check back often, here, on FaceBook and on our forums to see what we’ve added to the week-long party. Happy Leaking!

Mexican-American B@@bies

For our WBW blog carnival on “Perspectives: Breastfeeding From Every Angle” we are pleased to host guest posts from various contributors. Today we are honored to share from Martha, Mexican-American mother working in the US and breastfeeding her daughter.

I am a Mexican-American. My parents are both from Mexico and came to the US before I was born. I was born state-side. My entire life has been a struggle between two cultures. Growing up I wanted to be just an American. I didn’t deny my Mexican heritage but being a Mexican wasn’t my top priority. I think I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I’m never Mexican enough, never American enough.

Then I had my daughter. Audrey has been the piece that made me feel whole. I don’t have to belong to anyone but her. Breastfeeding has been an integral part of that journey. Knowing that Audrey’s well-being was based on me finally made me rearlize that no one else’s thoughts about me and my background mattered. Audrey is number one in my life.

Growing up breastfeeding was just a normal part of life. Boobs were for babies. Who had money for formula? If you had to give a bottle, it had regular cow’s milk, not formula. To me, breastfeeding was just normal so there was never a question in my mind that I would breastfeed.

Though I have to admit, I did buy into the whole American bottle thing. I had just about bought the whole American birth/baby thing. You have to buy stuff to raise a kid, right? If you don’t spend the money, your child will be weird. I almost fell for it and then my midwife said “All you need for the baby is a blanket, a diaper and pair of boobs.” A light went off. I don’t need anything else but my breast in order to raise my baby. You can successfully raise a child with just your boobs!

I knew from the start that I would be returning to work after 6-weeks so I was going to have to bottle feed once I returned to work. I was worried that working full-time and breastfeeding were not going to work together. I didn’t know anyone that had done it. All the women I had known that breastfed were stay-at-home-moms. I had never heard of pumping! I took a breastfeeding class and that helped put my mind at ease that I could do it. I could work full-time and breastfeed. Maybe it wasn’t what I was used to, but I could do it. A true melding of the Mexican and American me.

It hasn’t always been easy. At week 5, just as I was sure I could do this. Just as I was getting comfortable with the whole operation, I got thrush. Honestly, it hurt worse than labor. I was sure my breastfeeding days were over. Thankfully my doctor gave me a prescription and encouraged me to continue. After that, the transition back to work went smoothly. Audrey refuses to take a bottle unless she is really hungry, which means a surplus of milk in the freezer. But otherwise, thankfully, we are going strong even after 7 months.

I’ve learned that my life isn’t about being Mexican or American; it’s about being me and being the best mother I can be. For me, breastfeeding has been a huge part of me growing into a woman. I’m not a little girl playing dress up, I’m a wife and mother. My body has had a part in creating life and continues to nurture that life. It took my breast living up to their potential to help me see myself as a whole person.

Broken for You

For our WBW blog carnival on “Perspectives: Breastfeeding From Every Angle” we are pleased to host guest posts from various contributors. Today we are honored to share from Karen., Christian mother to two beautiful girls.

My hate affair with my body began when I was around 11. I went to bed one night and woke up a C cup. I was not the only one who noticed; boys and men everywhere took notice and somehow seemed to think that because they now stood out so far they were in community space and ripe for the picking. The couple of times it happened with a stranger were disconcerting and maddening, but it didn’t invoke the same fear as when someone you loved and trusted did it. I would soon give up my love of swimming because of a family member who always felt it was somehow “funny” to pull down the front of my swimming suit – in front of everyone. And my best friend in high school doesn’t know that our friendship ended because her father developed a creepy hug technique that always included approaching from behind so that his hands always managed to land on my breasts. Boys always assumed that big=easy. There were many times when a first date would pull up to some location and let me know what it was for. I learned to go on group dates and make sure I had a way out.

I spent my junior and high school years developing many anorexic rituals in the hope that losing extreme weight would make them smaller. Ironically, it just made them stand out more. It didn’t help when I was diagnosed with Scoliosis and the amazing therapeutic back brace worked like an old fashioned corset. While other girls looked at my cinched in waist with envy, I threw up in the bathroom because my anxiety about my body was ratcheting up to record highs.
Somehow as an adult many of these things worked themselves out. I married an awesome man who understood that I felt my body was my enemy and we just dealt with things as they came up. And come up they did: no one was more surprised then me when driving home from Christmas dinner one day “Oh crap, I’m pregnant.” The conversation began quite simply as I looked at my husband and said that dinner tasted weird. He felt it was yet another awesome and tasty one. And then the lightbulb went on, I was pregnant.

Pregnancy would turn out to be another instance in which my body had betrayed: I developed a condition which I now know to be Hyperemesis Gravidarum. So while other women went about their days registering at Target and picking colors and themes, I tried to stay out of the hospital and maybe managed to go to work a couple of days a week. I had plenty of time to lay in bed and contemplate the many ways in which my body was a complete and utter failure. And every time I went to the ob they would ask, “Are you going to breastfeed?”

I *wanted* to breastfeed. Intellectually I understood that it was best for my baby, and I certainly wanted that. But the idea of letting yet another human being, even one I loved so wholeheartedly, once again use my breasts for their personal gratification – even if I did so willingly – was laden with deep, emotional complications. My biggest fear is that I could not get past my own body issues and that they would seep into this precious bonding time and complicate it. Would I resent my baby? Would it cause me more fear and anxiety?

On the day my baby was born 2 things happened: 1) I was able to eat for the first time in 9 months. Suddenly and amazingly my body felt okay again. And 2) I realized that I was not personally in a healthy enough place to try breastfeeding my newborn baby. In the end, for me, it was the best decision I could make for my daughter. I understand the nutritional aspect of it, but I also understood that if I tried to do it – there would be emotional complications much to great for us to carry into the future. I did not want my relationship with my body and the scars of my abuse to affect us, to affect her.

Oddly enough 2 pregnancies and 1 child later – I had worked hard and healed emotionally enough that I would in fact attempt to breastfeed my child. And still, thanks in large part to Hyperemesis Gravidarum (months of dehydration left me unable to produce milk) and my breasts themselves (the rude lactation consultant assured me after violating me once again by opening my robe without asking that my nipples – their flatness – was an issue), my body failed me once again. After a few weeks of nursing and pumping non-stop, we switched to formula and supplemented with breastmilk bought from a milk bank. I was grateful to have that option available to me.

My prayer is that my daughters will be at peace with their bodies and will be able to breastfeed their children, should they choose to do so. But I know that no matter what they choose to do, I will love and support them in that because our bodies are not always our friends – and sometimes you can be broken in more than one way. I don’t want them to bring brokenness into their relationships with their children, just as I did not want to bring it into mine.