Why find out?

After sharing my thoughts on the sex of this baby and finding out (Blue hair, ultrasound, 5 girls, and Sugarbaby) I had a lot of questions asking if we don’t care what the sex is, why find out?

I’ve talked before and openly about my pregnancies and having to deal with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) through out them.  To sum it up, HG is severe nausea and vomiting in pregnancy, beyond the normal morning sickness levels, that usually results in a more than 10% weight loss for the mother, poor nutrition, dehydration, and other complications.  It’s like food poisoning that stretches on for months, for me personally it’s looked like vomiting 20-30 times a day and getting down to as low as 83 pounds.  Thanks to aggressive preventative care, this time I’ve only lost 16 pounds and with regular daily fluids through my PICC line, I’ve not dealt with severe dehydration.  At this point (over 20 weeks) I’m doing better than I ever have in one of my pregnancies and am down to vomiting 3-4 times a day and  for the most part I am able to function.

Still, it’s not easy and I have to admit to feeling more like I’m managing an illness than like I’m having a baby.  Because right now, that’s exactly what I’m most focused on, managing an illness.  Sugarbaby moves and kicks a lot and my belly is growing but I feel far more connected to my PICC line than I do the child growing inside of me.  I’ve even considered naming it, the line that is.  I have named my puke bucket in the past, so deep was the connection there.

There are reasons to be concerned about ultrasounds and like many in the natural birth community, I have my reservations about routine ultrasounds in pregnancy.  I’d share links to articles and research on the issue but I’m avoiding them right now since I’m about to go have one.  But do a search, there are plenty out there.

So why would I do an ultrasound if I have concern about their safety in pregnancy?  Aside from the fact that it’s only one ultrasound we plan on having during the entire pregnancy unless medically indicated otherwise, I have my reasons.  In my experience I have seen that a pregnant woman’s mind can greatly influence her pregnancy and her birth.  We have not had ultrasounds with each of our babies, with two we felt there was no medical reason to do so.  But then we discovered something: I struggled more with depression and feeling connected to my baby both during and immediately following the pregnancy when we didn’t find out than when we did.  There comes a point where I need something to help me start knowing the person I’m growing and connecting with them more than I’m connected to my IVs.  Knowing the sex of the individual growing inside of me is like a surge of power between me and my baby, energizing my connection and helping me get excited about having them.  That excitement helps make managing my HG this small challenge along the journey of getting this person.  The tiny potential risk of one ultrasound that gives us that connection as well as the peace of mind that the medications I’m on aren’t causing my baby to grow a second head means lower stress levels, higher endorphins, and begins the emotional journey from “I’m sick” to “we’re having a baby!”

With each of my pregnancies I find I worry more that something is wrong with my baby.  I used to think it was that I know more but now I think it’s not that complex.  We’ve had 5 healthy babies (Smunchie does have a minor heart defect and it was difficult and scary for a few months) and I start thinking there’s no way we’re going to have a 6th healthy baby.  Each time I imagine something worse.  Silly?  Probably.  Very real to me?  Yep.  And so, to help me sleep and to lower my anxiety, silly though it may be, we get the scan.  What if we do have a baby that is going to have special needs?  Well, things will proceed as already planned and we’ll start learning about navigating the world of parenting a child with special needs.  That’s not the problem for me, it’s the not knowing and the imagining that is.  Boy, girl, perfectly healthy, or special needs, this baby is ours and we love it very much, none of that’s going to change.

One more question that I’ve been asked frequently and I know goes unasked even more frequently: why keep having babies when you’re pregnancies are so rough?  The short, easy answer is because I’m crazy.  The longer, more complicated answer is that for me personally, I didn’t want HG to have the say in our family planning.  Our family didn’t feel complete.  We considered adoption and had actually planned on adopting but that didn’t work out.  So here we are.  It has been a difficult decision but one I don’t regret.  Getting through each pregnancy is hell, I won’t lie, and I hate the stress it puts on my family.  But we weren’t done, so we’ve walked through it.  I know it’s not for everyone and I grieve with my HG sisters that want more children but can’t make the HG journey again.  I feel incredibly blessed.

Please, if you or someone you know struggles with vomiting and nausea in pregnancy, please visit helpher.org for information on HG.  While care and treatment of HG is improving, it has long been misunderstood, left undiagnosed, and poorly treated.  Check this list to see if what you’re dealing with is normal morning sickness or HG.