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The commonality of nipples and rubber bands

September 17, 2012 by

I knew this day was coming.  I had hoped maybe I’d be spared this time around but no, Sugarbaby is following in the suckling footsteps of her 5 big sisters.  Rubber band nipple.  If you are unfamiliar with this phenomenon, picture this: a sweet baby with a strong sucking action at their mother’s breast as they eat when suddenly, *twinkle* *bam* *tiniest-sound-ever* super sonic bat-ears baby hears something and simply must look whipping their head in a 180 turn to examine the source all while never releasing the vacuum hold they have on their mother’s nipple.  If this idea makes you gasp and criss-cross your arms across your chest then you get the idea.  I must say, this does encourage me to appreciate not only those days of focused breastfeeding moments but also the incredible durability of my nipples.

Forteen years ago, when expecting my first baby, I never, ever would imagine what I would come to appreciate, not the least of which would be the incredible durability of my nipples.  Becoming a parent does strange things to a person.

As I marveled over these incredibly durable nipples of mine, I started to wonder how nipples and rubber bands do actually compare.  At first glance it may seem like there is little in common and therefor one would wonder why babies attempt to treat them so much a like but a closer look reveals there are some real similarities.  There are also some very distinct incomparability.

Nipples and rubber bands are soft and pliable, fiddling with them is fun for the person fiddling.  The nipple and the rubber band?  Maybe not so much.

Unlike rubber bands, nipples are attached to a person that may have an opinion on this.

 

Nipples and rubber bands are stretchy, to a finite point, they can stretch significantly beyond their resting form and then springing back upon release.  Again, more fun for the person doing the stretching than for the nipple and rubber band.

Unlike rubber bands, nipples have nerve endings.  While a rubber band will break when stretched too far, they will not experience excruciating pain and tears when they tear apart from themselves.  Nipples, on the other hand…

 

Nipples and rubber bands come in a wide array of colors, all pleasing to the eye.  Whether peachy cream or dark and bold, there is a unique variety.

Unlike rubber bands though, red, orange, blue, green, teal, purple, and several other colors really don’t look good on nipples and should be cause for concern.

 

Nipples and rubber bands can be used in therapies, providing a distraction or focusing opportunity when needed.

Unlike rubber bands, nipples aren’t used therapeutically to inflict a snapping sensation.  Squeezing nipples when frustrated or anxious is also discouraged probably most importantly by the person they belong to.

 

Nipples and rubber bands are functional.  Far more than decoration, there are some very specific purposes for both of them.

Unlike rubber bands, nipples function to sustain life, arguably more important that bundling objects together or even shooting obnoxious friends and family.

 

Nipples and rubber bands can bring great satisfaction, they are fun, soothing, and functional.

Unlike rubber bands, nipples have the ultimate trump card: they have milk.

 

It is highly doubtful that my nursling is going to understand or give a rip about the distinctions between nipples and rubber bands.  Alas, I shall be left to ponder these differences on my own through our feedings.  For now, I’ll just have to keep a child-safe nursing necklace handy (see buttons on the side to find some necklaces of your own) to keep her focused on something that doesn’t require stretching my nipple like a rubber band.  Thankfully this stage is short lived.  Even better?  I have incredibly durable nipples for which I never knew I would be so grateful.

 

 

Filed Under: Article, breastfeeding humor, Featured, Jessica Tagged With: , ,

A Translation Guide for Navigating the Terrain Between Breastfeeders and Formula-Feeders

February 16, 2012 by

Talking about breastmilk or formula can be difficult to navigate with a loose, slippery, and uneven terrain.  One second you think you have sure-footing and the next you’re on your butt.

I’m not going to deny that hurtful phrases come from breastfeeding supporters, occasionally in the form of personal attacks, and if you’ve personally experienced that, I’m truly sorry.  Please know that most of us just want to get information out there, encourage others and want to see babies fed.  Including me.

More often I see what are truly meant as innocuous statements of information and education that are simply misunderstood.  All of us experience life through a variety of personal filters and we often have sensitive areas that automatically put us on our guard and we may take things as a personal attack when that’s hardly the intent.  When it comes to feeding babies all those devoted moms doing their best have some serious passion.

An article is released sharing the findings of a new study that revealing some new findings about breastmilk or there may be some issues with formula and hundreds of comments pour in with things like “formula is the same thing, really and all the breastfed kids I know are sick all the time but my formula fed kids have genius IQs and are never sick” or “you know, not everyone can breastfeed so I guess I’m a bad mom because my breasts just didn’t work.”  To add fuel to the fire there are the comments that say things like “See, this is why I’m so glad I gave my babies the best and breastfed.”  And really, what does saying something like that do for anyone?  Heaven forbid it be an article on a formula recall and the “so glad I breastfeed, breastmilk is never recalled” comments start flooding Facebook newsfeeds and loading the comments section on blogs and articles.  Nothing like rubbing someone’s face in their scary circumstances and flaunting “sucks to be you!”  If we’re not careful we cross the line from passionate advocacy into plain ol’ bullying.

Then there’s the mom celebrating her success in breastfeeding, sharing “So excited we’ve made it to 6 months without even one drop of formula!  GO BOOBIE MILK!  WOOT!”  In that moment that mom is inviting everyone to a party at her house because she’s truly excited about her accomplishment.  But just as sure as she’s about to pop the cork on that sparkling grape juice to pour a round for everyone someone says something like “I don’t know why everyone has to be so down on formula, it makes moms that use it feel bad.”

They probably don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer and they don’t intend to dismiss the celebration of that mom (or maybe they do, I can’t really say) but stirring in their internal narrative of parenting confidence are insecurities on this issue, perhaps closer to the surface than they realized.  Instead of being able to celebrate with that mom, they are having to deal with their own less than happy feelings and defend, at least to themselves, their reality.

Thankfully, most of the time people can just say some encouraging and supportive words.  Once in a while, far more often than I’d like, the communication deteriorates.  Quickly.  As though we’re trying to have an important conversation but lack the skills.  Like we’re speaking different languages.

Maybe we need an interpreter?  What follows is my light-hearted attempt at some translations to help us navigate these slippery slopes.

 

It’s not a put down on formula feeding mothers when breastfeeding advocates say:

 

“Breastfeeding is the normal way to feed a baby.”

What we don’t mean:  “Formula feeding moms are less of a mother and less than normal.”  We know that’s not true.  We also know that breastfeeding isn’t (yet) accepted as normal in society.  We certainly don’t mean that it is always easy or even possible for every mom.  Or that formula feeding moms don’t deserve to be treated as normal, loving, caring mothers because we know they are normal, loving, caring mothers.  Nope, none of those things are what we mean.

What we do mean:  Breastfeeding is the biologically normal way to feed a baby.  A mother’s body is programmed to breastfeed and a newborn baby is programmed TO breastfeed.  Meaning that, barring any physical difficulties, babies are born ready to breastfeed; the delivery of the placenta signals the mother’s breasts to produce milk to feed, the mother’s body biologically responds to birth by producing milk, and human milk is (usually) the perfectly formulated food biologically for a human baby.

 

“I’m proud to breastfeed.”

We don’t mean:  “I’m better than a formula feeding mom.”  Just like being proud to be a mother isn’t a put down to those aren’t mothers, so being proud of breastfeeding isn’t a put down to those that don’t breastfeed.

We do mean:  Breastfeeding is important to us and sometimes it’s hard and comes with recognized challenges.  We’re celebrating our accomplishment of something we value as important for ourselves.  We’re also recognizing that there is a lot in our society that sabotages moms that want to breastfeed and combating that can be challenging.

 

“I love the bond I have with my baby with breastfeeding.”

We don’t mean:  “Moms that don’t breastfeed aren’t as connected to their babies.”  Feeding a baby is a deep connection no matter how it’s done and is just one way parents bond with their babies.  Most of us know moms that formula-fed and are incredibly bonded to their children and don’t doubt for a second that formula-feeding moms deeply love their children.

We do mean:  This is something we consider special and helps us feel connected to our child.  That, to us, breastfeeding has a deep feeling of interconnection that goes beyond something we can explain but we try even thought words fail us.  Feeding our babies with our milk and at our breasts is one way we feel deeply bonded to our babies.

 

“I’m so glad I’ve never had to give my baby formula” or “I’m so glad she’s not had 1 drop of formula.”

We don’t mean:  “Formula feeding moms are lazy or giving their babies poison.”  Nope, it’s not a commentary on what someone else does.  We’re not saying that somehow formula feeding moms should be ashamed of giving their babies formula or that never giving a baby formula is some dividing line between the good moms and the bad moms.

We do mean:  Like being proud of breastfeeding, not giving their baby formula just feels like a personal accomplishment.  It is in no way a reflection of our opinion of anyone else’s choice or situation, merely an acknowledgment of a personal goal.

 

“Breastfeeding is beautiful!”

We don’t mean:  “It’s perfectly beautiful all the time.”  Finding something beautiful doesn’t mean it’s easy or right for everyone and it doesn’t even mean we always enjoy the experience.

We do mean:  Not only do we NOT find it gross, we also think it is special, something wonderful, and to be celebrated.  It is more than nutrition to us and is a beautiful experience we treasure even though it has plenty of challenges along the way.  We also know that not everyone agrees with us, that’s part of why we say it though so we can hope to change negative cultural attitudes toward breastfeeding.

 

“Breast is best!”

We don’t mean:  “The moms that breastfeed are the best moms and the moms that don’t are just ok or bad.”  That’s not it at all.  In fact, this slogan came first from formula companies when they were forced to acknowledge that breastmilk was a superior product to formula.  They had to acknowledge that but had to find a way that could make formula sound normal and breastfeeding to sound like it was a parenting “extra,” an optional choice.

We do mean:  Breast milk is the best food choice available for a baby and young child.  Personally, I don’t care for this statement myself (you can find more on that here) but I know when people say it they aren’t intending anything other than their enthusiasm for breastfeeding and stating a simple fact: breast milk is good for babies.  It’s not a put down towards anyone.

 

“I feel sorry for babies that aren’t breastfed.”

We don’t mean:  “Those kids are just so screwed.”  This comment makes me uncomfortable, I don’t like it.  But I understand where it’s coming from and why it’s said.  Those of us that breastfeed see the joy and delight our own children have in the experience, how they love breastfeeding.  We are completely convinced it is special for both them and ourselves in a purely innocent, sweet way.  While it can be very close to a put down, I don’t believe it usually is intended as such and we don’t actually full on pity children that didn’t get to breastfeed but rather mourn the loss of an experience we consider special.

We do mean:  This is an awkward but genuine expression of sadness for those missing out on something we feel is so special.  Should it be said?  I don’t think so.  But if it is I hope formula-feeding moms can understand it is most likely only because the speaker/writer truly believes every child should get to have the marvelous experience her own enjoyed so much.

 

“There need to be strict regulations regarding the manufacturing and marketing of formula.”

We don’t mean:  “Formula-feeding parents are gullible and fall for the marketing of poisonous formula.”  Voicing the view point that there need to be standards in how formula is marketed and that there should be strict regulations for formula as a product isn’t a reflection on the parents at all.  It may reflect a cynical distrust that formula manufactures have anything other than a bottom line on their mind (Unsupportive Support- For a Profit).  Ultimately though, those of us that believe that the manufacturing and marketing of artificial breastmilk substitutes in infant and toddler nutrition believe so for the good of the children’ receiving the product.

We do mean:  Even if our children don’t receive formula, the children that do are worth higher standards of excellence.  We demand transparency and better regulations for artificial breastmilk substitutes manufacturing for the babies that need it. Formula is necessary, the health of many children depend on it being manufactured with integrity.

 

Before you find yourself careening down a conversation on your butt, try to remember that most people aren’t trying to start something and those that are probably aren’t worth your time.  As a breastfeeding mother, I promise, I’m not trying to push formula feeding parents down.  We’re all just carefully trying to pick our way over the rocks, slippery spots, and potential jabs to enjoy the view life has to offer and with a little bit of sensitivity and understanding going both ways, we can all offer a hand to each other in spite of our differences.

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding help, breastfeeding humor, breastfeeding support, Featured, formula, guilt, humor, Jessica, motherhood, nursing, Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Toddler Breastfeeding, Frustration and What Keeps Me Going

June 14, 2011 by

For the last week I haven’t liked breastfeeding Smunchie.  Not just not enjoyed it but skin crawling, hair pulling, hiding in the bathroom couldn’t stand it.  I can’t tell you how much I’ve hesitated to admit this.

When Smunchie started walking I smiled and thought “wow, I’m now breastfeeding a real toddler again” and it was sweet, special and adorable.  It didn’t seem like a big deal either, just a natural transition easing the reality of my baby, more than likely my last baby, growing up.  I’ve breastfed toddlers before but this time I was more tuned in, intending to savor every moment, holding onto it because it was one of the last.  I told everyone I wasn’t going to try to convince them to breastfeed their toddler, just talked about breastfeeding mine.  Like a fairy tale marked only occasionally by moments that were just slightly less than fantasy, I rode the unicorns over the rainbows of my breastfeeding dreams once again into nursing toddlerhood.

Having breastfed toddlers before I know they can become little gymnasts at the breast, start drive-by nursing and attempt to help themselves if necessary.  They don’t hesitate to ask for it by name, loudly and repeatedly and they can become quite demanding.  I know all this, I’ve been there before so I knew what was most likely coming.  But Smunchie’s transition into toddlerhood and breastfeeding was sweet and full of sunshine kisses.  I was the freakin’ wood nymph breastfeeding a toddler while fairies fed me bites of ambrosia and sips of nectar as my cherub toddler caressed my cheek as she sweetly nursed while we gazed into each other’s eyes.  Rainbow farting unicorns.

And then last week Smunchie became that toddler.  Any time I sat down was clearly an invitation for her to breastfeed (really, what else could I have to do sitting down?) and she rejected any multitasking on my part.  She also solidly learned and established her word for breastfeeding, one created and handed down by a big sister, Smunchie now whispers, sweetly chirps or screeches “BOBBIE!” when she feels she needs to nurse.  Which, as it turns out, is all. the. time.  When she was a sleepy newborn with heart issues we could’t get her to wake long enough for a feed and if we let her she’d easily sleep 6-8 hour stretches from the get go causing much worry and alarm clock setting.  Now though she would be happy on the boob every hour, sometimes 3 or 4 times in an hour.  And sometimes she could be on the breast for 25 minutes, others she’s struggling to focus for 5 but if I close up shop she freaks as though I took her unfinished ambrosia meal away.  She’s also gotten jealous of the other girls giving me hugs, climbing up on my lap for a cuddle or even sitting next to me.  To be clear, it’s not really about me as much as someone else coming close to her precious bobbies.  Then there’s the standing nursing, the dancing nursing, the upside down nursing, the head flop nursing, the splits nursing, the humming nursing, the snacking nursing, the in and out of the pool nursing and the just-because-I-love-it-so-much-this-is-the-best-stuff-in-the-world-nursing.  There’s also the entertainment she creates while nursing, the pinching, the scratching, the tickling, the mole picking (Oh how I roar then), the smacking, the foot in the eye, the hand in the mouth and the random but oh-so-predictable raspberry blowing.  I’d love to say that I have a halo permantely over my head and the patience of a saint but the truth is this behavior is starting to make me a little crazy.  Or, a lot crazy.  The wood nymph is now chained to the couch with a screeching gremlin demanding the breast.  And the unicorn farts are not rainbows.

Now I’ve probably scared everyone away and you’re thinking “that’s what I’m in for?  I don’t want to be a wood-nymph!”  Before you go running for the least wood-nymphy outfit you can find that makes the boobies completely inaccessible to your nursling let me explain a few things.

This is normal. Not because my darling nymph baby has now morphed into a gremlin but rather because her toddler development is right on track.  She’s really come to understand that we’re not the same person which means her beloved “bobbies” can walk away.  Very scary when your favorite food source can freely move about.  Oh yes, she absolutely MUST capture it every chance she can!  CARPE DI LECHE!

Move it baby! Not only does she now realize the bobbies roam freely but she’s also discovered that she has a fairly decent amount of mobility all on her own now.  In fact, she’s exploring all the different way she can move and really, what could be better than having boobies around for the exploration?  It’s a good way to be sure she’s hydrated and keeps track of the boobies so they don’t get away.  I mean, really, can you blame her?

She needs more. As she grows her nutritional needs do too.  In Smunchie’s case she’s not a huge fan of solids, she’ll eat somethings really well and others not well at all.  We offer a variety of whole foods often and frequently but some days she just refuses to eat anything solid.  Except carrots, she’ll always eat carrots.  It shouldn’t really surprise me then when she wants to breastfeed more often because she needs something to fuel her.  And I know that breastmilk is still perfectly adjusted to her needs and her body can tell that too which is why she wants it so much.  Check out this info. from Kellymom.com on how mom’s milk meets so much of a toddler’s nutritional needs. (If you haven’t seen this yet you’ll really, really want to.  Hint: it’s pretty awesome!)  By the way, in case you’re wondering, no, I’m not concerned that she’ll never switch over to solids and give up breastfeeding all together and no, I don’t think breastfeeding past 1 year old has messed up how she eats. I’m completely confident that she’ll one day be quite happy to let the bobbies go.  In fact, have you ever met anyone that didn’t stop breastfeeding at some point? Have you ever met anyone that was still dependent on breastmilk as a teen or adult?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

(Also, this study is kind of interesting which is why I’m randomly sharing it here.  The Abstract basically says that the longer a child is breastfed the more they will talk and more words they will have.  Which makes me realize I’m really doomed and The Piano Man and I have almost no chance of getting a word in edgewise around here.)

It makes her feel better. Toddlers fall a lot, get hurt or become frustrated. (Or get pushed/hit by an older sister.)  So much change happening so quickly, what are they supposed to do?  Sit down and rationally talk about it?  A pat on the back?  As adults we think that eating to comfort ourselves is bad but it’s really because of WHAT we eat when we’re eating to comfort.  Smunchie wants more perfect food?  If I reached for spinach or a head of broccoli when I was upset instead of a tub of ice-cream I’d be in great shape.  Smunchie doesn’t always need to breastfeed when she falls down but sometimes she really wants to and the skin-to-skin, the familiar taste and smell of mom and the position of being cradled all combine to be way better than spinach or broccoli.  Or ice-cream for that matter.  I would go so far as to say that by responding quickly to comfort her with the breast if that’s what she wants I’m helping her develop the confidence she is going to need one day to figure out how to comfort herself in healthy ways.

She talks! New words happen daily and she’s clearly assimilating all the nuances of communication.  Everyone around her are fairly decent experts at communicating and she’s trying really hard to get there.  Learning how to tell me she wanted to nurse the same way she hears other people communicate is a big milestone for her because, let’s face it, up until now breastfeeding has really been the most important activity in her life.  Now not only can she sign for it but she can verbally communicate.  Verbally communicate that she wants it with a full spectrum of volume.  She really HAS to use it!

Our relationship is changing.  She doesn’t always want to be held or worn in a carrier.  These days she really likes to get down and do her own thing.  Sometimes she loses track of me.  Others she gets so busy exploring and playing that she forgot to see what I was up to.  And then there are the times where mommy finds her standing on top of the piano or scaling the book shelves (that are anchored) and she’s quickly and quite rudely snatched from the middle of her adventure by fun-ruining mommy.  In those moments she may need to remember our connection, a crucial element of who we are to each other is our breastfeeding and it reaffirms our bond quickly.  Specially if she’s hurt that I’ve ruined her fun.

Boundaries. Smunchie’s developing behavior serves as a reminder to me that she is indeed always growing.  My baby is, in fact, leaving babyhood.  As much as breastfeeding has helped ease this transition, these new behaviors from her help to make the transition real.  As our relationship changes so does my parenting.  In our breastfeeding relationship I’ve realized I need to set some boundaries for both of us, it’s time.  Breastfeeding is a mutual relationship, it has to work for both of us.  Part of Smunchie growing up means her seeing boundaries not only for herself but for others.  This week I’ve started putting some of those boundaries in place with our breastfeeding relationship just as I’ve had to do with her big sisters.

  • This is normal but I have other responsibilities and children that need me.  If I know she’s ok and fed I don’t hesitate to make her wait a few minutes to breastfeed if I’m busy with making dinner, tending the needs of one of her big sisters, or need to transfer the laundry before I can sit down to nurse.
  • I love my baby’s new moves, she’s quite talented.  Still, my nipple isn’t a rubber band and I really don’t care to have it yanked around as she attempts a 360 degree turn while latched.  Or a full back flip.  Just like when she was a new born, if it hurts, I stop it.  Like with biting, if she continues I end our session telling her “ouch, you’re hurting mommy” then put her down and offer a toy that can handle the acrobatics.  Sometimes she’s happy to move on, others she gets upset but I find that she is much more settled at the breast then.
  • Her nutritional needs have increased and I love that my milk is up for the challenge.  Not crazy about being a snack bar though, I limit the number of times at the breast if she’s crossing into 2-3 times in an hour and sometimes offer a healthy snack instead of the breast to get her to stretch to 2-3 hour intervals a couple of times a day.  She’s also recently discovered that she likes almond milk and will accept that in a sippy cup when I need a break.
  • Knowing I can comfort just about any hurt is an incredibly empowering knowledge as a mother.  Knowing that she can get hurt every 10 minutes makes me tired.  So we’re developing other comfort measures.  Smunchie has a lovey and a baby doll that she loves to cuddle with.  When she’s been hurt (feelings or otherwise) I help her locate these items and cuddle her with them.  I also make it a personal rule to never pull my breast out assuming it’s what she’s going to want, I wait for her to ask for it.  When she does, I take it situation by situation and either find alternative ways to comfort or go ahead and nurse.  Having a big family, Smunchie has the added benefit of lots of other pairs of arms that would love to give a cuddle so I build up The Piano Man and her biggest sisters as sources of comfort too.  We have discovered that they all excel in getting her calmed down and moving on much faster than I can.  This also helps when I’m feeling touched out and is a great preventative measure to keep resentment from building when I’m at that point.
  • With our relationship changing Smunchie has started to really communicate that she doesn’t like me multitasking while breastfeeding.  When she really needs me she will reject me holding anything, watching anything or talking to anyone while she’s at the breast and wants me to stare down at her, stroking her hair and talking to her.  To respect her boundaries I try to be sensitive to that need and give her that when it’s required.  In doing so I’ve noticed that she doesn’t come back as soon to nurse again.  That connection established she’s secure enough to move on and explore again.
  • When she screams “bobbies” at me I try to respond softly and gently, affirming that I understand what she wants.  Children learn most through modeling and Smunchie very often drops her voice to the same tone I’m using.  I try to respond very quickly when she does to affirm this positive behavior and thank her for asking so kindly.  Which may explain why “thank you” is one of her new words too.
  • Letting go.  She and I are both having to start letting go.  It’s a gradual process but one that happens none-the-less.  I don’t believe that Smunchie is doing this to manipulate me.  I really believe it’s a part of the developmental fast track she’s on as a toddler.  Recognizing that she is going through a lot right now reminds me to respond more gently when what I feel like doing is rolling my eyes and locking myself in the bathroom.

All these realizations are very helpful in keeping me going when the going gets tough and the boundaries give me hope that this won’t be forever.  My patience is growing, maybe, little by little.   We’re not going to stop breastfeeding any time soon, I know she’s not ready for that and truthfully neither am I.  That does’t mean I never feel like stopping, nope.  I still feel crazy sometimes and I am still a little irritated at the unicorns a few times a day but we’re going to be fine.

One of the most cathartic moves I made as I struggled this week was to admit how I felt.  One evening in a moment of frustration and fatigue and the 4th time Smunchie had nursed in an hour when I had planned on being very productive I hissed at her “I HATE nursing!”  Yep, I said that.  And, in that moment, I meant it.  Twenty minutes later, I didn’t.  Ok, maybe it was more like two hours later but whatever.  The point is it wasn’t what I believed even if I felt it.  More importantly, even if I did believe it for myself my belief that breastfeeding my toddler is important and worthwhile is stronger.  To be able to stick with it though I had to admit how I felt and find ways to keep going.  Admitting it on Twitter was even more cathartic.  Because there I found out I’m not alone.  I typed, deleted, retyped, deleted, retyped, waited 10 minutes before I finally tweeted : “Dear world, right now I’m so sick of #breastfeeding. My toddler is constantly wanting to nurse and I am starting to go crazy. It will pass.” I was scared, what would Twitter-verse think of The Leaky Boob admitting she was sick of breastfeeding?  I even went so far as to add my own “it will pass” to dismiss my feelings and hopefully preempt any replies of the same.  Though I had some, mostly I was surprised by the number of replies saying they were feeling the same way.  When Stylin_Momma replied with “@TheLeakyBoob I needed someone else to admit that. Thank you. I’m trying to tell my 2.5 DD that she has to wait at least 1 hr btwn sessions.” and “I’m trying to encourage night weaning. These things make me feel like #breastfeeding support phoney. So thank you.” I wanted to jump up and down.  In fact, I might have.  The rest of the day I tweeted with Stylin_Momma and a few others about how we and our nursing toddlers were doing, passed around ideas and strategies and shared funny stories.  By that afternoon I was feeling much better and encouraged.  We weren’t breastfeeding support phonies just because we admitted we weren’t enjoying breastfeeding at the moment.  If anything, we were as real as breastfeeding support comes and could offer support from the trenches, knowing that sometimes it really isn’t all rainbow farting unicorns.  That day I leaned on my fellow breastfeeding-a-toddler moms and we propped each other up giving each other a chance to commiserate, laugh and develop some new tools for this phase of breastfeeding.

There are many great and wonderful parts of breastfeeding a toddler too.  I look for them and savor them to try and have a more balanced perspective.  That afternoon I pulled out a basket of instruments for Smunchie to distract her from wanting the boob again.  She immediately forgot about breastfeeding, or so I thought, as she became engrossed in the instruments.  Playing chimes on a drum and wooden xlaphone, Smunchie started singing.  I returned to what I was doing, smiling at the banging and chiming filling the living room as her little voice soared.  Then I realized what she was singing, the first time I’ve ever heard her put words to her songs.  Over and over again in sweetly sustained notes she was singing “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBIEEEEEEEEEEE!  BOBBIE! BOBBIE! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

See, only a toddler could write a song about how much she loves her bobbies.

Filed Under: Article, Boobs, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding difficulties, breastfeeding humor, breastfeeding stories, child led weaning, extended breastfeeding Tagged With:

Breastfeeding = Breastfeeding

March 30, 2011 by

“You look like a breastfeeder.”

I had just met the woman that said that to me and we were not even 10 minutes into our first conversation.  We met at a friend’s birthday party when the what-do-you-do question came up and I mentioned The Leaky Boob.  After explaining what TLB is to her “excuse me, say what?” response she surprised me with her response.  After I got over my own shock at her statement I wanted to say “why yes, of course I look like a breastfeeder, I’m a woman with a baby!”  Instead, I laughed.  Because I knew exactly what she meant.

I was offended a little bit though, in part because I didn’t think I did look like a breastfeeder at that moment.  Often I do but I was actually pretty not-breastfeeder looking that day, I thought.  I really thought my style was funky-artsy-cool.  Then it hit me, I was offended that someone thought I looked like a breastfeeder.  I mean, my hair was short and funky, I was wearing my cool cat style green glasses, blue jeans, halter top and a hoodie.  My nails were even done!  As you can see from the pic below, just a quick head shot on my phone I know, but taken on that very day, I don’t scream breastfeeder, do I?

Except for the female part.  And the breast part.  And the kids part.  And maybe The Leaky Boob part.

But I don’t want to look like a breastfeeder outside of those things.  Because it has a certain connotation in our culture.  Looking like a breastfeeder means you look weird.  Means only a certain type breastfeed. It means that as of yet breastfeeding is not so normal in our society and there is a brand that goes along with breastfeeding that is more specific than a person with breasts that can lactate and children.  Really, every single woman should look like a breastfeeder, not just one type.

I have to tell you something.  It’s not exactly easy for me to admit this and I’m afraid you’ll look at me differently but I need to get this out there:

The truth is I’m a pretty green mom.  Green as in… crunchy.  As in environmentally aware and “natural.”  As in we use cloth napkins and cloth diapers, have home births and we choose an alternative vaccination schedule.  We have almost no plastic play things and avoid most trademarked characters on clothing and toys as well.  I really, really am pretty crunchy.  But I think of myself as funky-normal, a variation of mainstream.  I can’t always afford to buy organic and I really like make up.  I haven’t recycled my glass in like 2 years because the city doesn’t pick it up and there isn’t a drop off anywhere near me and after lugging boxes of glass bottles around in my van for months I decided that I was probably wasting so much gas from the weight of the glass in my car that it totally offset recycling them- if I ever got to recycle them.  Oh, and I haven’t been to a homeopath since I had kids.  No Birkenstocks either.  There are plenty of not natural, non-organic probably bad for you products in my house, some of them we eat.  Also, I have a PILE of reusable shopping bags, I’ve even made some of them but I forget them more often than I take them with me to the store.  So I’m green but not green.  Not Kelly green, more like 1970’s linoleum avocado green and I have the glasses to prove it.

I have another confession.

While it is true that we avoid prepackaged foods and artificial colors and flavors in our foods we go to fast food a couple of times a month and my kids get candy full of crap 2-3 times a week.  Some of you are shaking your head going “tsk, tsk, she’s poisoning her kids!” and others are going “yeah so, we go out to some place like that every meal or would if I could afford it and I freaking LOVE Skittles.”  Personally, I’m with both of you.  I wasn’t allowed to have that stuff growing up and my mom made us have healthy substitutes instead.  We’d take our own piece of cake to birthday parties, adults would never give us the candy other kids got because my mother warned them not to, we’d get these sesame honey stick things my mom called “good candy” instead and the snacks we brought to play groups looked suspiciously similar to mulch.  Everyone looked at me sympathetically.  I hated being that kid.  H-A-T-E-D IT.  So I don’t make my kids be that kid.  They eat the crap candy their teacher hands out.  And in full disclosure, my lactivist self is a traitor and I even let my kids eat the Nestlé candy they get.  Shame on me, right?

I have another confession.

Most labels make me uncomfortable.  If I were to use one to describe myself someone could quickly point out how I am not that.  Every time I try to label myself I have an immediate exception ready.  So I don’t call myself an attachment parent.  But I do wear my babies, they sleep in our room, there is almost always a parent with them when they are young (me or The Piano Man and rarely sitters), and we don’t spank.  That said, I also believe in regularly leaving them for my own sanity and because I’m a better parent when I do, I like my stroller, and sometimes I pump a bottle of milk just because I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack if I have a baby on my boob one more time.  And I LIKE it that way, it works for my family.  Which by some standards means I fail attachment parenting.  By other standards it means I win at label-rejection I guess.

I have another confession.

We homeschool.  But I don’t want to.  In fact, I have such a hard time with it I almost can’t say it out loud.  It’s been a struggle for me for the last 4 years and as a homeschool graduate myself I swore I would never, ever homeschool.  NEVER.  I knew I wasn’t cut out for it even before I had kids and I still know I’m not.  If The Piano Man didn’t homeschool with me and we didn’t have some great homeschool programs there is no way we’d be making it.  Obviously I feel our reasons to homeschool are important enough to be doing it right now but it’s not going to be this way forever because I can’t wait to send my kids to school. Besides, I don’t look like a homeschooler either.  Right?

I have another confession.

I’m a lactivist but I don’t particularly love breastfeeding.  True story.  As a lactivist I have lots of thoughts about formula and formula companies.  Shocker, right?  Here’s the real shocker: I don’t think formula is poison!  gasp  Though I think there need to be better standards, higher quality ingredients and a heck of a lot better regulations, I’m never going to say formula is poison.  I also don’t think a mom bottle feeds because she’s lazy or selfish even if she claims that’s why.  Nope.  Instead I think there are much bigger, much deeper issues involved that she may not even understand but are a result of the booby traps so prevalent in our society and I don’t want any mom that doesn’t breastfeed to feel guilty about it.  Should I hand in my lactivist card now?  Should I be smacked and scolded “bad lactivist!” and denounced?

I have another confession.

I was a breastfeeding mom from the get-go even when I was decidedly not “crunchy.”  Before I recycled or used cloth diapers, I breastfed.  When we ate Hamburger Helper regularly as part of my rebellion in getting to eat whatever I wanted and I didn’t even know what MSG or Red 40 was, I breastfed.  When I had one carrier I hated, kept my baby in her bucket car seat all the time and planned on spanking to discipline, I breastfed.  When I worked full time, had a hospital birth, and bought every Winnie the Pooh decoration and toy I could find, I breastfed.  The idea that it was a “natural parenting” choice didn’t even occur to me.  These things weren’t even on my radar and I’d never even heard most of these terms.  In fact, over 12 years ago I went to a La Leche League meeting and was completely freaked out by my experience there and those “natural types.”  I didn’t co-sleep, didn’t want to garden, and couldn’t handle the idea of putting a candle in an ear to cure an ear infection.  Since I didn’t fit in I never went back.  But I did keep breastfeeding in spite of having almost no support.

Recently I’ve seen conversations that almost assume that everyone that breastfeeds is on the same page regarding every parenting choice.  Like we’re a club that talks, walks, dresses, eats and sleeps the same.  But we’re not.  The mom across the street from me breastfed her son for close to a year, pumping for him when she returned to work.  Unlike me she lets her son eat prepackaged food daily, have character toys and clothing and she has him fully vaccinated.  Like me, she does curbside recycling.  Also like me?  She loves her child more than she could begin to articulate.  I admire her, she’s an awesome mom and I’ve learned a lot from her and I hope maybe she’s learned some things from me.

Here’s the thing: the natural parenting/crunchy/hippie/green/stay-at-home-mom/work-at-home-mom/gentle-parenting/natural birthing/what-ever-you-want-to-add-here communities do not have the corner on breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding ≠ all natural parenting.  Breastfeeding ≠ attachment parenting.  Breastfeeding ≠ crunchy.  Breastfeeding ≠ a parenting style.  Breastfeeding ≠ rejecting mainstream parenting.  Aside from having lactating breasts, there are no real parenting style requirements to breastfeed.  No card to carry that you’re in danger of losing if your baby sleeps in a crib in another room.  Every woman that breastfeeds is a part of the breastfeeding mom club no matter how long she breastfed, where her baby sleeps, what she eats, how she introduces solids, where she gave birth, if she stays home or works, if she loves her stroller or has a dozen carriers, if she used a form of sleep training that involved cry-it-out or if she co-sleeps, if she vaccinates or doesn’t vaccinate, if she circumcises or is staunchly against it, if she covers when breastfeeding in public or just puts her baby to her breast, or even if she uses formula to supplement.  Other moms don’t have to agree with or like her choices but it doesn’t change the fact that if they breastfeed they are all still breastfeeding moms.  Moms that are the more natural, crunchy types are just as much mothers and breastfeeders in need of support as those that are more mainstream types or those that defy labels completely.  And vice-versa.

I worry sometimes that if breastfeeding is perceived to be a part of the complete “natural” package we will discover some push back against it completely.  What if they’re not interested in co-sleeping but are willing to breastfeed and then in the experience of looking for breastfeeding help and support they discover they are also expected to co-sleep?  Or a new mom plans on breastfeeding for the first 6 weeks, encounters some difficulty but is determined to get through it only to ask for help and get chastised for not planning to breastfeed until the child self-weans?  If it starts feeling like it has to be all or nothing as though breastfeeding is some sort of lifestyle then for some it will be easier and less intimidating to choose nothing than to choose all and fail.  Breastfeeding isn’t a move to pick up any label or style of parenting.  Being a breastfeeding mom doesn’t automatically make someone a babywearing mom, or a co-sleeping mom or a gentle parenting advocate.  Being a breastfeeding mom means she’s just that, a breastfeeding mom and whatever else she chooses to be.  You don’t have to adopt all or even any of the stereotypical aspects of “those natural types” in order to be a breastfeeding mother.  Just because I eventually did doesn’t mean it’s right for you and I can respect that and still support and encourage you.  Personally, I seek to support and empower women, families, parents and breastfeeding moms and their supporters regardless of their labels and choices in parenting styles.

It’s not that we can’t talk about these different choices, we can and should.  In fact, it is through encouraging and respectful dialogue about different choices we’ve made that others can be empowered to consider something other than what they already know.  For many, that’s probably how they even considered breastfeeding in the first place.  So let the conversation flow freely but let’s be careful that we don’t have a string of parenting style requirements to breastfeed and be willing to put aside our differences and still offer genuine support.  I hope we get to the place where you can’t pick a breastfeeding mom out of the crowd based on how she’s dressed or how she interacts with her children or what baby products she has with her.  That regardless of our other parenting and even lifestyle choices breastfeeding is just so normal that we don’t assume breastfeeding women look or act a certain way other than being a mom.  Whether she’s a fashionista like Kourtney Kardashian or a babywearing, homebirthing, Birkenstock sporting hippie or something in between several different stereotypes, a breastfeeding mom deserves to be supported regardless of her parenting approach.  Nobody has the monopoly on breastfeeding.  We can all be a part of the club and we all deserve support.  Just like no matter how we feed our babies we’re all a part of the mom club too.

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Do you fit any labels?  Or find that you are a little of this, a little of that?  How would you describe your parenting style and does that have any influence on your breastfeeding?  Do you find that sometimes you look down on others that parent differently than you?

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By the way, I think all of this goes for any other parenting choice.  However we feed our children, our family and household rules, discipline, educational choices, and so much more, we all have one thing in common for sure: we’re parents that love our children.

Filed Under: Article, Boobs, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding humor, breasts, family, formula, guilt, humor Tagged With: , , , , ,

Healthy-Feeding and Older Children, Knowing When to Draw the Line

March 3, 2011 by

It’s time to cut her off.

Sure she’s still young and growing and absolutely adorable but we have to end it.  As it is we’ve gone way past socially accepted norms.  I’ve avoided doing it in public for a while now, just couldn’t handle the strange looks we’d receive and people were getting increasingly rude with their comments.  And now that she’s 8 I can’t pretend any longer that she really needs it anyway, it’s just for comfort now and like my mom said, I can’t let her go on thinking she can just take advantage of me, use me like that forever.  I can’t even imagine what my mom would say if I told her what happened last night…

Brace yourself… Lolie actually asked for it. (I’m totally blushing here, don’t judge me!)  She knew what she wanted and she asked for it.  That would really freak some people out!  You know how many times I’ve heard “they are really too old when they can ASK for it!  That’s just so disgusting!”

We were preparing for her birthday, asking her what meals she wanted and she said… (my stomach’s in knots just thinking this!) taco salad!  Homemade taco salad for lunch.  And a veggie and fruit tray.  Spinach and mushroom crepes for dinner.  Homemade cake.  I tried to dissuade her, offered Papa John’s Pizza, Taco Bell anything, McDonald’s, Chili’s, and more but she refused!  All she wants for her birthday is healthy, homemade growing food.  Carrots!

I can hear it now: “she asked for spinach and mushrooms for her birthday dinner?!  Oh. My. Gosh.  Someone get this kid a Happy Meal with extra large fries and supersized Coke STAT!”

I’m pretty sure healthy-feeding her for this long has ruined her.  She’s probably developmentally behind her peers, physically malnourished, emotionally stunted and over-attached to me now.  What was I thinking?  I guess I wasn’t really, it just sort of happened.  The recommendation was to healthy-feed until 6 years old, school age but it just felt so right, so natural that I continued.  I mean, if it was so good for her brain development, bone growth and all that then why would it suddenly stop?  We have our own term for it: growing food.  We were both happy, it worked for us and she seemed to be thriving and even though she was past the minimum age recommended to healthy food-feed, she still seemed so young to me.  So I let it keep going.

But now she’s gone and asked for it?!  That’s clearly not normal, maybe even perverted.  What 7, almost 8 year old child actually turns down pizza in favor of a salad?  Rejects a Happy Meal and prefers spinach and mushroom crepes?  Turns up her nose at a brilliantly colored store bought ice cream cake and specifically requests a homemade cake from scratch?  Or begs for homemade whole wheat bread and doesn’t even know what Wonder Bread is?

I’ve ruined my Lolie!

There comes a point when you just have to stop healthy-feeding a child.  If it’s come from the ground or is fresh, made from scratch and void of branded packaging it can’t be good for the child to continue past 6, certainly not past 8.  Going to 10 would be positively revolting, people everywhere would lose their Taco Bell taco meat product tacos at the thought.  If you don’t stop it how will the child eat in the future?  How do you know EXACTLY what they are eating without a package label?  How will they learn how to feed themselves?  How will they recognize the brands of sustenance?

My friends will be freaked out that she asked for it, that she doesn’t even want junk food.  Some of them had a hard enough time that I even did this at all (after all, they only ate prepackaged and fast foods and they are fine) but this will really be too much.  Once they can open the refrigerator and get their own carrot you’ve got to stop it, right?  I mean, what in the world would happen if kids everywhere thought eating carrots and food that came out of the ground and not out of a box or package was NORMAL?!  Our very economy would be in danger!  It’s not like we don’t have access to other foods, it’s not like we’re uncivilized, right?  It would damage their perspective of the human body and food.  Years and years of therapy would be required for all these confused kids that would think it’s actually good to eat this way.  No, for her mental health and our socio-economic standing I just can’t allow this to continue!  I wonder if our friends will even let their kids play with her any more.  If word of this gets out it could ruin her socially.  It probably will destroy her chances of getting the lead in the spring play… she’ll get kicked out of the ballet studio… summer camps will reject her… no hope of getting a date for prom… Harvard will totally laugh at her… she’ll never find a job… she’ll be living at home eating like this and completely dependent on me forever!

It’s her birthday and I have to cut her off, she’s simply too old.  It will break her heart and I know she won’t understand but how can I let her continue?  I’m so sad just thinking of it but we have to be done, that’s just all there is to it.  Today was the last time, no more.

*sob*

I will tell her tonight as she nurses to sleep.  At least she will still have that, so glad there’s no taboo surrounding breastfeeding.  How sad would that be?

_____________________________________________________________________


From the American Academy of Pediatrics: “Exclusive breastfeeding for approximately the first six months and support for breastfeeding for the first year and beyond as long as mutually desired by mother and child.”

It is my hope that mothers continue breastfeeding as long as it is right for them and their child.  The decision to stop should be an informed one, using research and individual considerations of physical and emotional health to determine the best choice for each mother and her nursling.  Whether that is 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years.  Pressure to stop at some arbitrary date and claims that breastmilk has no nutritional value after a certain age are uninformed and potentially damaging. Instead of telling women what they need to do we need to support them in making informed decisions.  You can find more information on the value of breastfeeding beyond the first year at Kellymom.com.  I believe every woman should have support without pressure or condemnation no matter how long she breastfeeds.

By the way, I’m thrilled my daughter requests homemade food full of veggies and whole grain goodness for her birthday and I won’t be cutting her off from that nutrition for any reason.  Not even if it isn’t normal for a child her age to turn down fast-food style pizza and other nutritionally similar options in favor of whole foods.  Also, in the interest of honest representation, she hasn’t breastfed in quite some time.

Filed Under: Article, baby-led weaning, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding benefits, breastfeeding humor, child led weaning, Children and breastfeeding, extended breastfeeding, formula

Oh My Gosh… I’m a LACTIVIST!

August 18, 2010 by


Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m a lactivist. To everyone else this has probably been obvious for a long time but this is the first time I’m admitting this fact in a public setting. I’m not sure how it happened really. In my head it was a sudden shift that came out of nowhere and has caught me by surprise. Is that my voice? Is that MY voice? I ask when I hear myself speaking about breastfeeding… again. One day I was a normal, level-headed, regular person and then the next I was talking about breastfeeding all the time, crazy-advocate and a *gasp* real lactivist. There was a time when I read literature on breastfeeding and responded with small nods and “Hm, that’s interesting” but now I’m pounding the table yelling “Preach it sistah!” I’ve even introduced myself as “Hi, I’m Jessica, The Leaky B@@b.”

No, seriously, I have.

What the…? How did that happen?

*Freak out*

In reality the shift was probably gradual. Sure, there were some monumental, no-turning-back moments such as when I decided I wanted have my babies at home or when I became a student midwife, but since nobody would ever have described me as level-headed in the first place, maybe I wasn’t that far off from the beginning. The funny thing is, when it comes to feeding babies, I actually think I’m more level-headed now than I ever was.


How do I know I’m a lactivist? Well, there are some tell-tale signs that I can no longer deny in myself. So I now bring you:

You might be a lactivist if…

  • You read every article on breastfeeding you come across. Even if you already know everything it says. Maybe even if you’ve read it before. You can’t help it, you have to read them and your significant other is likely going to get an earful about what you read regardless if the tone of the article was positive or negative.
  • You don’t flinch, blush or feel even a little awkward with words like “breast,” “boobs,” “nipple,” “areola,” “bra,” etc. Around anyone, ever. You may not even care where you say them. It is common to say them often.
  • You have to resist the urge to applaud a woman breastfeeding in public. Or smile broadly at her while staring. Or hug her. Or point her out to, oh, everyone. Or stalk her, just a little.
  • Little gets you hotter than another story in the news about a woman and her baby being asked to leave an establishment while breastfeeding or invited to breastfeed in the bathroom. Seriously, the bathroom? It’s been said before but you’ll say it again; would YOU want to eat in the bathroom? Didn’t think so. What is wrong with people having an issue with a baby eating? You will go on and on and on about this to anyone willing to listen and sometimes, even those that aren’t.
  • Talking with someone that has just had a baby you don’t hesitate to ask “how’s breastfeeding going?” You don’t actually know if they are breastfeeding but you assume they are. And if things aren’t going well you’re ready to spring into action to help. Your baby gift is a pair of the softest reusable breast pads, a tube of lanolin, a water bottle and a boppy.
  • The idea of someone touching your breast or you touching someone else’s breast to assist with breastfeeding a newborn is like, so whatever. Since that’s what b@@bs are for, it’s no big deal any more. You might even forget that it still is a big deal for others and inadvertently make new moms uncomfortable. Got to work on that.
  • You have downloaded and printed or purchased “Thank you for breastfeeding in public” cards to hand out to breastfeeding moms you spot while out and about. And you use them too. There are some in your purse, your glove box, your diaper bag, the back pocket of your jeans, and your kids backpack. You consider it a good day if you got to hand out a few at the mall.
  • There are at least 2 Facebook groups you follow about breastfeeding and Twitter too. Maybe even a forum or two. You check often and share lots of links and stories. Reading the stories others post there is addicting and before you know it you’ve spent hours reading about breastfeeding. All for the cause, all for the cause.
  • You get home from a trip to the zoo and post on a FaceBook wall how many women you saw NIP while you were out. Probably on one of those pages but maybe even your own private Facebook. This doesn’t seem strange to you at all, after all, how else are we going to normalize breastfeeding? Seeing mothers NIP should be celebrated, you’re just doing your part. Nothing crazy about that!
  • You have taken pictures of yourself breastfeeding. Or had your partner or older child snap a few for you. It’s real serious if you’ve had a breastfeeding sitting with a professional photographer. Is it framed and on your wall? Is there a piece of breastfeeding art, photograph or other, that isn’t of you? Why not, right? It’s beautiful and natural. In fact, you probably have more pictures of you breastfeeding, most likely of just your chest, arm and little one, than of you actually looking at the camera or doing any thing else.
  • You have shared pictures of yourself breastfeeding online. On those groups or forums. Or your own blog. Even better if it’s your profile image on a social networking site or discussion board. You’re a proud breastfeeder! Breastfeeding is not obscene Facebook! You probably even “liked” the Facebook page that says that.
  • You know what the World Breastfeeding Symbol is and you have used it either online or in real life. Do you have a bag or shirt with it? Does your baby? A car decal? Or is it part of your profile pic? Yeah? You’ve got it bad baby. If you ever happen to see the symbol in a business you’ll probably hug the shop owner.
  • You know when World Breastfeeding Week is and you get a little giddy when it rolls around every year. Events are planned, give-aways are entered, and lactation cookies are baked. You know what organization is doing what, where and when and you plan on being there. That is, if you didn’t organize it yourself. You probably even got a special shirt for the occasion. Maybe even learned a dance.
  • You don’t like Nestle and avoid buying Nestle products. Even if your favorite candy is Butterfinger. The fact that the BlogHer conference was sponsored by Nestle really bothered you and you even asked your favorite blogger how they could participate. When Halloween rolls around you debate digging through the kid’s loot to find the Nestle products and throw them away. Except for the Butterfingers, you eat those rationalizing that at least you didn’t pay for them.
  • Covering for breastfeeding to you means making sure your belly, back and sides are covered but you don’t worry about who may catch a brief glimpse of a little b@@b. In fact, you have mixed feelings about breastfeeding covers. Whatever helps a woman feed her baby is great but should we be hiding breastfeeding? It’s complicated and you’re just happy for breastfeeding in public at all. Personally, you just don’t want your flab showing.
  • Breastfeeding past a year is normal, passed 2 common and over 3 no biggie. It’s the people that have a problem with it that are weird. You know that the global average age for weaning is age 4 so people just need to get over themselves since breastmilk doesn’t suddenly turn to water after a certain age. It’s not like there is an expiration date on breastfeeding, sheesh.
  • The Kelly Mom, Best for Babes, Dr. Jack Newman, La Leche League, and other breastfeeding websites are bookmarked on your computer. You also have a considerable breastfeeding library which you loan out often. In fact, you bought several copies of your favorite breastfeeding book to have on hand to give to new moms. You do so with excitement and a list of those websites and don’t even notice your partner throwing a breastfeeding-cover-apron-thingy over his head while you jabber on excitedly. When you do notice you give him a “Thank you for NIP” card.
  • You can name at least 3 celebrities that breastfed. You might even know how many kids and how long they breastfed. But you’re not sure what movies or TV shows they are from and maybe have never even seen them in anything or know why they are even celebrities at all.
  • Science comes out with new information that breastfeeding has “new” health benefits for mom and/or baby and you say “duh.” The information is good to know, you’re glad they’ve done research but it just seems kind of obvious that feeding as nature intended would be a good thing, right?
  • You meet someone for the first time in a non-breastfeeding related environment and you somehow are talking about breastfeeding within 20 minutes. You know if they were breastfed, if they did or intend to breastfeed, how long, what they’ve read, if they are aware of your favorite breastfeeding resources, etc. Later you may not remember their name but you’ll be able to confidently greet them with “You breastfed your youngest for 16 months, of course I remember you!” This applies to men too.
  • You think maybe Gisele was on to something. Even if you don’t exactly agree with what she said or that it could even happen you can totally understand it and even secretly wish it was possible. You’re cautious about saying that anywhere but can’t help wonder “what if…?”
  • The phrases “if breastfeeding offends you put a blanket over your head” and “if breastfeeding is sexual then a bottle is a dildo” make you laugh and you really, really want to share them somewhere. You probably have too. And you know more and have come up with a few of your own. They are what go through your head when having conversations with anti-breastfeeding types. Sometimes they even come flying out of your mouth.
  • Your children think feeding babies with bottles is weird. In their minds the only reason to do so is because something is wrong or the mother is unavailable and then it would be expressed breastmilk. They may not even know what formula is.
  • It is strange that you haven’t typed or said “breastfeeding” in one full day. Woah, how did that happen? You must have been sick.
  • Out on a date your partner asks if you could talk about something other than breastfeeding for a little bit. Whether you were talking about you breastfeeding, someone else breastfeeding, breastfeeding in the news, or something else, you didn’t even realize you were until he asked to change the subject. It just seemed… normal.
  • You want to replace the slogan “breast is best” with “breast is normal.” You’ve thought long and hard about this and you’re ready to change the world. Breastfeeding is normal!
  • After reading an online article about breastfeeding in public harassment incidents, you read through the comments and respond to every uneducated reply posted. You only walk away after you realize your blood pressure is through the roof. And in search of some chocolate.

Recognize yourself at all in any of these? Know anyone that fits these? I bet you could add some too, share yours in the comments here so I know I’m not alone.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hi, I’m Jessica, The Leaky B@@b and I’m a lactivist.

Now… I need some chocolate. Or maybe some baby kisses. Or both.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding humor

Not From Personal Experience or Anything

August 5, 2010 by

This post is a part of The Leaky B@@b blog carnival “Perspectives: Breastfeeding from Every Angle” for World Breastfeeding Week 2010.

Me feeding Smunchie at a working ranch during a field trip.

I’ve wanted to share some giggle-worth perspectives on breastfeeding but for the life of me I can’t find my funny bone lately. Well, I have, it’s been in my head. I’m constantly cracking myself up, unfortunately all anyone hears of that humor is me laughing at myself because I can’t get it from out of my head onto the computer screen. Which is fabulous. I walk around and giggle from time to time because I mentally write a line or develop a concept that I find funny. A frazzled looking woman walking around laughing to herself, what’s so odd about that? Where I live, you see it all the time, particularly near that one part of town. Fortunately I’m regularly upstaged by my children so I think the crazy lady laughing and mumbling to herself goes mostly unnoticed.

To shut-up the voice in my head telling me funny stories and to make myself seem at least a little less crazy, I wrote down some of these under-developed perspectives. I feel I need to be clear, none of these are things I know personally, these aren’t my personal perspectives and experiences here. No, I’m sure I can’t relate to these perspectives at all. Ever. In all the years nursing 5 kids. Nope. Ok, maybe a little…

Perspective #1: The Cheap Lazy Mother
Ladies and gentlemen I’m a cheap, lazy mother! No, not that way, get your mind out of the gutter. Don’t you love how by saying that your mind totally goes in the gutter? Ah, the delights of cheap humor. But it is true, I am a cheap, lazy mother. Yeah sure, breast is best… ok, normal, we’ll go with normal, since I’ve had a thing or two to say about getting rid of that terminology. Human breastmilk is normal feeding for human babies. It is also cheap. And easily available, as long as everything is working normally. I love that. It can be kind of difficult sometimes for the first few weeks maybe but considering you’ve either pushed the equivalent of a human Smart Car out of your vagina or had your belly opened up and pulled apart to remove the human Smart Car, you understandably have some laying around to do anyway. May as well get the cheap feeding machines up and running while you lay there. A few weeks further down the road and you’ll be well into not just the cheap part but the “OH-MY-GAH-WHY-CAN’T-EVERYONE-IN-MY-FAMILY-EAT-THIS-WAY?” mode. Particularly if you’ve been down this road before and those former happy b@@bie customers are now little (or big) people that constantly say any variation of “I’m hungry” or “What’s for dinner?” And then complain about the options. (Consequently, our bilingual home is proof that you do not have to speak a language well to understand “I’m hungry.” “I’m hungry” whined in any language sounds just as annoying as it does in English. Even when that other language is French.) But when you have a regular b@@b customer it is over and done with just a lift of your shirt and best of all, no complaints. Those little buggers love it every time! The original fast food and infinitely better for your customers, b@@bie juice is ready and available to customized perfection whenever, where ever and however. Nothing can make that claim no matter how it is packaged and marketed. (HA! Take THAT Nestle!) When 4pm rolls around in my house and I realize I never threw “something” in the slow cooker and I have to actually figure out “something” to cook, I have found myself wishing I could just park my butt on the couch and feed my family without having to get up. It’s not gross or disgusting. It’s lazy and cheap but still better than McDonald’s. And just because I’ve wanted to do that doesn’t mean I have.

The big girls have turned me down every time, dang it.

Perspective #2: The Vain Mom
I’ve heard women say they didn’t want to breastfeed because it would ruin their breasts and make them sag. Aside from the fact that they are wrong about that and obviously haven’t researched if that is true or not, they are missing out on so much! And, it’s not, by the way. Blame pregnancy, gravity and genetics, if your breasts are going to sag they are going to sag. Look around, there are plenty of older women who have never even had children that have their knockers knocking their knees. These women that don’t breastfeed to spare their breast, I have to wonder what they are thinking. Breastfeeding is awesome! Burn 500 calories just by breastfeeding! That’s like eating a whole giant slice of chocolate cake and it doesn’t even count. HELLO! What in the world am I going to do when Smunchie weans? Plus, breastmilk b@@bs are firm but soft, full but natural, bouncy but expanded. They look great in a low top, in a t-shirt, and drop-dead stunning in the nude. Ruin my breasts with breastfeeding? Heck no! Breastfeeding did me a FAVOR!

Perspective #3: The Diaper
Now why should you give a crap what the diaper’s perspective is on breastfeeding? Well, for starters, I get to use an obvious pun. Secondly, it’s a valid perspective. Diapers deal with the other side of breastmilk and formula. (Score, another obvious pun!) Whether you’re changing it, near it when it is being changed, washing it or taking the sausage links of plastic wrapped fecal packages to the trash can, there are no ifs, ands or butts (I am on an obvious pun ROLL!), breastmilk poop looks better, smells better and cleans up better than the formula variety. People, I’ve dealt with both and here is the cold hard truth (or should I saw the warm, soft, sort-a-sweet smelling truth?): breastmilk poop is way better than formula poop. Formula poop is nasty, stinky, ugly and just plain a load of sh*t no matter how you dispose of it. (And the puns just keep a-coming.) The color of breastmilk poop is even better, I love the color- check out my walls. And if you cloth diaper, breastmilk poop is like a mustard color lazy pass: you don’t have to rinse, spray, dunk, swirl or flick just toss the soiled dipe in your wetbag and go on you merry way until the next time it is time to wash diapers. Wash. Hang any stained ones on the line in the sun. Voila, done. You don’t have to flush all your time away (YES!) trying to scrape off sticky, stinky formula rejects. The diapers will thank you for breastfeeding, no matter what kind of diapers you use.

And when one of those diapers can’t possibly hold the entire package of goo one day and you and baby are both wearing it smeared all over your white Easter dresses, you’ll thank yourself for breastfeeding just because yellow mush smells like buttered popcorn or yogurt. You will not thank yourself for the white ensemble or the lack of a change of clothes for yourself. Not that I know this from personal experience or anything…

Perspective 4: The Sleep Deprived, Harried Mom
To get air to her nipples as they toughen up during the first few weeks of breastfeeding her new baby she took an old stained tee of her husbands and strategically cut 2, 2 inch holes in the chest. A needy and upset tiny infant hasn’t slept more than 20 minutes at a time for the last 9 days. Her head itches constantly from needing a shower, her hair having been in the same ponytail since the shower she had after giving birth, now drooping and creating a halo of frizz around her head as though she stuck her finger in a light socket. Just as she was going to get in the shower for the first time in 5 days because that little person finally fell asleep and let her set him down, the doorbell rings. Knowing she looks like a meth addict but craving adult interaction, she stumbles to the door, hesitating for just a moment but far too exhausted to figure out why. They are going to leave and you’ll not have spoken to another adult other than her husband for who-knows-how-long if you let this moment pass! Flinging open the door with a little too much fake enthusiasm she sees a twenty-something man in a brown work uniform holding a digital clipboard and a box. Somebody thought of her and sent a package! Suddenly she is 6 years old again, filled with glee, A PRESENT! Controlled by fatigue still, she gives a lopsided bounce and weak clap, croaking “yay!” The expression on the attractive (hey, she’s tired, not dead) delivery man’s face difficult to read, she reminds herself to not act so desperate and takes his clipboard to sign for the package. Avoiding her eyes, he awkwardly takes the clipboard back, pushing the cardboard package away from him. She takes it and reads the label, her best friend from out of state sent the hand made blanket they had planned together for the baby. Even more excited, she bounces up and down a little more and needing to share that excitment with someone she calls out to the UPS guy retreating from the house “Thank you so much! You don’t know how much this means to me? What’s your name? Joe? Joe, thank you so much, I could hug you!” Like a cornered puppy desperately looking for an escape, he nearly trips over a flower pot to bolt to his truck. He must have a lot of packages to deliver, he’s in such a hurry. Inside she opens the box and admires the beautiful handmade blanket with her son’s name stitched into it and reads the card 6 times, having to wipe the snot and tears from her face at least as many times. The clock is ticking though and she knows the angle sleeping in the co-sleeper will wake up soon and become the swirling vortex of screaming. Shower. Still smiling slightly thinking of the blanket and note from her friend, she walks with a little more energy now into the bathroom to shower. Walking past the closet door with it’s full-length mirror, she sees someone. Oh, that’s me. Wow I look… Oh. My. God. Smile gone. The hair, the eyes the red nose and blotchy skin, they are nothing.

Shirt.

Holes.

Nipples.

All the blood drains from her face. For just a minute she sees how it looked from the other side of the door. How she looked. And it totally makes sense.

For just a few seconds she feels a little sick.

Then she snorts, chortling at the image and the memory of the scene. She rushes to the shower to start the water and laugh without waking the baby. Silently giggling she tugs the ponytail free and looks in the mirror. With a bray, she’s laughing hysterically, tucks her hands into her shirt and jabs her fingers through the nipple holes. She has to lean against the wall and hold her side when she suddenly realizes she’s about to pee, she takes her seat and remains on the toilet until the uncontrollable laughing subsides and mops her the snot and tears from her face once again. Stripping down, she gets in the shower and shrugs, oh well, who cares, she’s just happy she’s actually getting to shower. And, as a bonus, she peed in private. When the baby wakes up she’ll have to tell him all about it.

Other Perspectives
I have more. Oh yes, I talk to myself all the time and think up funny and even some not so funny perspective about breatsfeeding. And other subjects too, actually. Here are some I’ve written before.

Lactating b@@bies and I have a conversation. Well, I talk to them really. I let them know how I see things on a few issues. More on b@@bies, A-DD, here. I talk about b@@bs a lot.

This could be called “The Smart-ass vs. Polite response to Stupid Breastfeeding Comments Perspective”

For a colorful perspective on breastmilk, particularly on The Piano Man and Earth Baby’s first poop experience you should check out “Holy Crap.”

My friend Sue takes a look back at breastfeeding now that her youngest is weaned. Talking about the experience of giving her 4 children the “sweet nectar of life,” Sue brings humor to even the most, um, interesting experiences she had breastfeeding.

Earth Baby has shared her personal perspective on breastfeeding already, but all of my girls have very vocal opinions on breastfeeding.

My perspective of a 4 month old Smunchie nursing in the carrier.
Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding humor, breastfeeding stories, humor, World Breastfeeding Week

My response to all the stupid comments I’ve never received

July 23, 2010 by

I have been very fortunate and have heard almost no stupid comments regarding breastfeeding directed at me. Either that or I’m oblivious – which is possible; sometimes hearing what you want to hear keeps the world a much nicer place. I always have the in-my-head response and then the real response where I censor myself. I guess that means I talk to myself. That’s a good thing though; I wouldn’t have any friends if I didn’t. This is the only dumb exchange I really have had:

“You can’t drink alcohol if you breastfeed.” and “How do you have a life if you breastfeed?”
The snarky in my head response: “I’m not an IV and I like my life, thanks.”

What I’d probably really say:“That’s not true, you can drink in moderation when you are breastfeeding, like you should already only do when you have kids anyway. I already knew having a life would be redefined by having kids but I make it work. You can always make it work.” *Confident smile*

That’s it and it’s really not that bad. But I know stupid comments about breastfeeding abound so today I asked all the “leakies” on our Facebook page to share some of the dumb things they’ve heard about breastfeeding. Suddenly, I wished I could have those idiotic statements directed at me just so I could reply. Below, my pretend response in all its snarky glory to all the dumb things people haven’t said to me about breastfeeding. Thanks to my Facebook friends for the inspiration!

“Breastfeeding your baby is great but it should be done in private. It makes people uncomfortable, so could you do it in the bathroom?”
Snarky in my head response: “Stupidity spewing from your mouth like an overflowing toilet makes me uncomfortable, so could you do it in the bathroom?” *Sweet smile*

What I’d probably really say: “Oh, I’m sorry but I can’t expose my baby to the disgusting germs of a bathroom while she eats. Do you know what people DO in the bathroom? Yikes, that’s gross. By the way, did you know that the law here protects my baby’s right to eat the normal way wherever my baby and I are permitted to be and it isn’t considered indecent exposure to breastfeed? Yeah, so I’m not moving.” *Sweet smile*

“You’re going to kill your unborn baby nursing during pregnancy.”
Snarky in my head response: “Where did you get your training in breastfeeding education again? You might want to ask for a refund because you totally got ripped off. I’ve heard people say that about sex too. Crazy, right?”

What I’d probably really say: “Awww, thanks for your concern.” *Look touched, look touched… don’t hit them*

“You have to drink milk to make milk.”
Snarky in my head response: “Wow, that line is still going around? Don’t you kind of wonder how cows do it then?”

What I’d probably really say: “Actually, that’s a myth but thanks anyway.” *Smile*

“After 6 months your milk spoils.”
Snarky in my head response: “Is THAT why they take dairy cows out and shoot them when their calves are 6 months old?”

What I’d probably really say: “Interesting. That’s not what The World Health Organization or The American Academy of Pediatrics say. I’ll have to look into that, thanks.” *Insert fake cheesy smile here*

“After 6 months/1 year/2 years your breastmilk is nothing more than water.”
Snarky in my head response: “Do you think that’s true for cows too? Boy, have we all been fooled by those dairy farmers and scientists! I’d love to see the research information you have on that. I’ve only read studies with dramatically different results but you should hurry and tell the World Health Organization, The American Academy of Pediatrics and millions of moms around the world that they’ve got it all wrong!”

What I’d probably really say: “Oh, that’s not what I’ve heard, do you have some information on that I could read?” *With a smile, as always.*

“If you breastfeed her too long you’ll turn her gay.”
Snarky in my head response: “Wow. I don’t even know what to say to this. I really don’t. How STUPID do you have to be to even think this?”

What I’d probably really say: *Pause, long pause* “I’m really not sure how to respond to this on so many levels.” *Thinly veiled disgust*

“If your newborn baby nurses too much it’s a sign of breastfeeding syndrome.”
Snarky in my head response: “Say what?”

What I’d probably really say:“Say what?! Uh… I’ve never heard of that before but I do know that newborn babies nurse often because their stomach is the size of a walnut.” *Very, very confused look on my face.*

“Nursing a bigger baby must be hard work, why don’t you give them a bottle to make it easier on yourself?”
Snarky in my head response: “Hard work is coming up with a response to that logic, breastfeeding is a lot easier than that.”

What I’d probably really say:“Funny, but I breastfeed because I’m too lazy to make a bottle and wash it!” *too loud forced fake laugh here.*

“Breastfeeding is overrated.”
Snarky in my head response: “Ooooh! I wonder who’s profiting from me breastfeeding? Oh… wait… The formula companies sure do wish everyone believed that! Hey… do you work for Nestlé?”

What I’d probably really say: “Huh, that seems strange considering it’s only natural to breastfeed. Who is overrating do you think?” *Lean in with feigned interest*

“Isn’t that baby taking a bottle yet?”
Snarky in my head response: “Haven’t you learned any manners yet? And why are you asking this exactly?”

What I’d probably really say: “Nope! Isn’t that awesome?” *Proud mama smile*

“But my son won’t be able to bond with his baby if you breastfeed!”
Snarky in my head response: “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve promised he can change every diaper!”

What I’d probably really say: “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve promised he can change every diaper!” *Vomit-worthy sugary smile*

Really, my MIL is great and a big supporter of breastfeeding so I’m not real sure but I really do think I’d say that just because I wouldn’t be able to censor myself in time.

“I’m all for breastfeeding, but I wish you’d give your 3 month old a bottle of breast milk so we could babysit while you two go out.”
Snarky in my head response: “What, so I could pump on my date with hubby? I don’t think so!”

What I’d probably really say: “Oh, you’re so sweet but we’re ok for now. Would hate to screw up my supply and all that. You can watch the other kids though and we’ll take her with us, thanks!” *Big hug*

“Breastmilk makes babies too fat.”
Snarky in my head response: “I think you’ve gotten breastmilk confused with McDonalds.”

What I’d probably really say: “Actually, did you know that breastfeeding greatly reduces a child’s chance of obesity later in life? Everything they get from their mother’s milk is the exact, perfect, customized concoction for what they personally need at that time, no such thing as getting too fat on it. Isn’t that cool?!” *With a little too excited tone and slightly crazy look in my eyes*

“Breastmilk makes babies starve.”
Snarky in my head response: “Makes you wonder how the human race survived, doesn’t it?”

What I’d probably really say: “Baby is looking good to me but I’ll be sure to keep an eye out for starvation.” *Avoiding eye contact so I don’t stick my tongue out at them*

“Breastfeeding is incest.”
Snarky in my head response: “Would you say that to Jesus? I mean, really? Or how about Ghandi? Because they were breastfed. Obviously you’ve never breastfed because only an ignorant person would say something like that.”

What I’d probably really say: “I don’t want to be mean but since you already have been… are you just saying that so you feel better about not breastfeeding or for objectifying women and only seeing them for your personal sexual pleasure? Because breastfeeding isn’t illegal and is recognized as the normal, best way to feed a baby but what you just said is sexual harassment.” *I wouldn’t say it but I’d be thinking it: FU*

I might say it.

“Breastfeeding an older baby/child is just spoiling them.”
The snarky in my head response: “Yep, it sure is. That’s why she’s so sweet, confident, and full of love; because I’m spoiling her. Listening to you talk has totally spoiled my manners though: shut-up.”

What I’d probably really say: “At least it’s not candy and won’t hurt them, haha!” *Silly, knowing smile*

“Your partner won’t find you attractive any more if you breastfeed.”
The snarky in my head response: “When did you get into my partner’s head to know what they think about this? And if it is true, then my partner is an a-hole and not the person I thought they were and we have way bigger problems. He should have thought about that before getting me pregnant.”

What I’d probably really say: “Really? Hmmmm, I’ll have to ask him about that.”

And an extra for if they said that to me now: “Yeah, that’s why we have 5 kids and I’ve breastfed them all. Obviously he thinks I’m repulsive and never touches me, I just get pregnant when I wash our clothes together.” *Rolling eyes*

“Are you STILL doing that?”
The snarky in my head response: “No, it’s just a figment of your imagination. Ooooh look, flying monkeys!”

What I’d probably really say: “Looks like it!” *Laugh- idiot*

“Breastfeeding is dangerous because you can’t tell if they are getting enough.”
The snarky in my head response: “For some people, thinking is dangerous and opening their mouths even more so. You never know what will happen when stupid things come flying out.”

What I’d probably really say: “You think so? I guess the real miracle is all those babies that survived on their mother’s milk before there were bottles, huh? It can be tricky to tell but babies eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. You know what’s really funny, there are actually people that think breastfed babies get too fat! I know, right!” *Real laughter at my own cleverness*

“It’s unnatural to breastfeed a baby past 6 months.”
The snarky in my head response: “Crap, somebody should have told my kids that!”

What I’d probably really say: “Is it? I wonder why that is?” *With wide-eyed innocence*

“Don’t give your baby formula if you want to keep breastfeeding because the baby won’t like your breastmilk any more.”
The snarky in my head response: “Dude, have you tasted formula? Or even just smelled it? Not going to be a problem.”

What I’d probably really say: “Thankfully I don’t have to worry about that.” *Polite. Just… polite*

“I don’t breastfeed. I like to spend time with my other children and do not want them to feel left out.”
The snarky in my head response: “So what other things will you not do for your new baby so you don’t take time away from your other kids? Change diapers? Make a bottle?”

What I’d probably really say: “What a wonderful commitment you have to your children! I find breastfeeding to be a huge time saver personally. I just figure it out. Every new baby changes the family dynamic and it’s important for us to let it happen. We all grow together caring for the new little one in our unique ways. Plus, my big girls love seeing me nurse their new sister and hearing the stories of when I breastfed them. It really has brought us closer together.” *Genuine*

“If you don’t want your b@@bs to hurt you should stop breastfeeding.”
The snarky in my head response: “If I don’t want my head to hurt I should stop being around you.”

What I’d probably really say: “That’s possible. But I’ve got a great LC working with me and we’ll get things worked out. Thanks!” *Confident don’t-mess-with-me smile*

“Breastfeeding just isn’t worth the headache.”
The snarky in my head response: “You know what’s not worth the headache…”

What I’d probably really say: “It is to me. Formula feeding and bottles are an even bigger headache since I can’t keep up with the dishes as it is.” *With head nod.*

“Ewwww, that’s gross!”
The snarky in my head response: “Poop is gross. Used condoms at the park are gross. McDonald’s is gross. People saying stupid things is gross.”

What I’d probably really say: “Seriously? Wow, you’re rude AND uneducated. I can think of a lot of things that are gross and breastfeeding isn’t one of them.” *Pissed off attitude.*

“”I would NEVER breastfeed, I don’t wanna be close to my kid like that, plus my husband has to do SOMETHING!”
The snarky in my head response: “I wish I could be a fly on the wall when your kid is bigger and asks you one day if they were breastfed. How do you nicely say ‘I didn’t want to be that close to you’ to your own kid?”

What I’d probably really say: “My husband does tons and I breastfeed. Actually, after the first few weeks, I have it easy compared to him” *Avoiding eye contact until the very end with a little smile.*

“You can’t BF in the heat cause your milk will come out hot.”
The snarky in my head response: “OMG, I never thought of that! Do you think I can make my milk boil inside me?”

What I’d probably really say: “Pretty sure it would come out around 98.6 degrees no matter the outside temp.” *Stifling a laugh and probably not very well.*

“Babies don’t like the taste of breastmilk.”
The snarky in my head response: “Poor things, having to suffer like that. LOL!”

What I’d probably really say: “Have you ever tasted breastmilk? I have, and it’s super sweet. My babies sure seem to like it.” *Confused expression, very confused*

“Why don’t you just give her a bottle?”
The snarky in my head response: “No. Why don’t you just mind your own business.”

What I’d probably really say: “Why go to all that trouble when I have everything ready right here?” *Raised eyebrows*

“If he’s eating all the time it’s because you’re starving him and you don’t make enough milk.”
The snarky in my head response: “OR it’s because he’s hungry and is establishing a good supply of my milk since that is how this whole system works in the first place.”

What I’d probably really say: “It’s a supply-and-demand system and he totally gets that. He’s not starving.” *Do not make eye contact to avoid shooting them a birdie*

“You shouldn’t breastfeed in front of children.”
The snarky in my head response: “Blindfold the babies, blindfold the babies! They might see b@@bs are for breastfeeding and totally ruin their idea of women as sex objects!”

What I’d probably really say: “I don’t understand, why would it be bad for them to see a baby breastfeed?” *Disbelief.*

“If you don’t make him stop he never will” and “If you breastfeed past a year they won’t know how to eat real food.”
The snarky in my head response: “OMG, THAT’S why my brother wanted my mom to go with him to college!”

What I’d probably really say: “I really don’t think that’s going to be a problem” *I would laugh, I wouldn’t be able to help myself*

“If you breastfeed you can’t eat bananas/cabbage/broccoli/chocolate/caffeine/soda/beans/spicy food/cucumbers/tomatoes and who knows was else.”
The snarky in my head response: “Great! I can eat french fries all day!”

What I’d probably really say: “Depends on the baby. Some babies can handle anything their mothers eat. Most babies in cultures that eat spicy foods and such do just fine. A few will have an adjustment period and it usually isn’t a long time or that complicated.” *Smile- I’m educating them, I’m educating them, I’m educating them…*

“Once they have teeth you have to wean, it will hurt too much to nurse.”
The snarky in my head response: “This is such a load of shit and I’m tired of hearing it. Honestly, it’s not that big of a deal people!”

What I’d probably really say: “Sometimes they may bite but I’ve taught my other kids not to so I think I’ll be ok.” *Smile and nod, just smile and nod.*

“Breastmilk is inferior to formula because formula has vitamins in it.”
The snarky in my head response: “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. That’s even what the formula companies say right on their labels as required because ‘closer to breastmilk’ totally means that.”

What I’d probably really say: *Laugh* “Oh, you weren’t joking? Because I thought you were joking. Oh, well, let’s see, how do I explain this… breastmilk is what formula want to be. The vitamins and stuff added to formula is just an attempt to get closer to breastmilk. Sorry I laughed, it just…” *laughing again*

And if any of those things came from a doctor or a nurse I’d say:
“Interesting.” *Pause* “You’re not my doctor any more. You’re fired. Please stay away from me. Given your ignorance, I’m afraid you’d hurt me or my child and I’d hate to have to sue you.” *Looking them straight in the eyes and deadly serious*

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding humor

Two weeks in with #5

July 7, 2010 by

This is an old post from January 2010 from my other blog. It seemed fitting to share it here. It’s funny, I wrote this before I started The Leaky B@@b and used the phrase “leaky boobs.”

Ok, so I’m nursing a new baby again which is… hard. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of nursing, it is good for mom and baby but I’m not going to sugar coat things and tell you how easy it is at first, not even for a 5th time mom. Smunchie is cute, adorable and absolutely precious and as true as these things are every two hours or so I have to grab a glass of water, pull out my leaky boobs, practice breathing techniques I don’t even use for pushing in labor, and willingly let my baby suck on my sore nipples. Her perfectly sweet mouth is transformed into a device of torture, a pit of barbed wire churning around my tatas. Experts will tell you that it shouldn’t hurt, that if there is pain it is because of a poor latch and can be corrected with proper positioning and getting the baby to get on the breast correctly; I’ve told women this as well. For the most part, I think that is true but there are times when mom and baby just can’t get it worked out for a few weeks and for them it just isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. This is me and Smunchie, the combination of my rather large nipples and her tiny mouth plus this thing she has against putting her tongue forward have all combined to make this a difficult and painful two weeks of nursing so far.

But we’ll get there. I had one other baby that gave me cracked and bleeding nipples and eventually we made it through and nursing became a bonding experience for us, special and easy so I have confidence that Smunchie and I can make it there too. When we do I’ll be nursing her anywhere she needs to eat (for the torture sessions I prefer to remain at home at the moment) and doing so unapologetically. Even in church. Since I believe that God made me to nurse my baby I’m not about to leave and go nurse somewhere else when we’re there to worship. Boobies nursing babies aren’t a shock to God and if they are to the people around me, well, they are free to turn their attention back to God and leave me and my baby alone. Most of the time I won’t be covering up and if I choose to do so it will be very special circumstances. I don’t cover up for my dad, don’t cover at church, don’t cover around our friends… in fact, I can’t think of such a special circumstance, interesting. I’ve heard all the arguments in favor of covering up but seeing as I believe breasts are for nursing babies and anything else is just a bonus I don’t see me changing. Any man that is turned on (or grossed out) by a baby being fed has issues, that’s all I’m saying. And any woman… well… yeah.

And because I have a baby crying, a 6 year old needing some direction, a 2 year old needing a diaper change, an 8 year old “doing homework” that needs supervision, an 11 year old freaking out about a Greek test tomorrow, dinner that needs to be warmed up (thank goodness it is cooked thanks to wonderful friends!), a house in dire need of cleaning, laundry that needs to be folded and put away, dishes that need to be done, and a new lace pattern to try on that sweater, etc. I’m going to go now and just say: read this. She’s obviously not as tired as I am and said it all so much better.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding difficulties, breastfeeding humor, breastfeeding stories, NIP

A Little Let-down.

April 27, 2010 by

breats
Alright Boobies, we’ve got to have a talk.

First of all, let me start off by saying you are awesome. Totally amazing. I’m impressed and really consider myself super blessed that, though you are of modest proportions, you can totally provide all the food Smunchie needs right now. Not to mention the 4 babies before her. And it’s not just any food. It’s super food! The acai berry thing advertised all over the place doesn’t hold a candle to the goodness you provide. Plus there will be no “it’s not as great as we thought” scandal happening about your goods. Nope, you are the real thing. You rock! No really, sometimes you are a pair of rocks. But figuratively, you rock too.

However, there are few aspects of your awesomeness that we need to work on.

  • Not all babies are your babies. It is sweet really, that you want to be sure every baby you come into contact with isn’t going to go hungry, really it is. But other babies have mommies and I’m sure they are feeding them. So it’s not your job. No need to be “all systems go!” upon spotting a little person under the age of one year old. You need to calm down.

 

  • Crying does not need to be an automatic on switch! I get it. It is a design thing. Baby cries and you start leaking, an instant response to the call for food. I wish chocolate would dispense like that for me but alas, that would probably be a bad thing. Coffee probably should do that for me. You don’t have to do this. Not all crying means “feed me!” And not all cries come from your baby. For real. This can stop. Our baby has gotten quite good at getting the milk out of you now, you don’t have to go soaking through my shirt in an attempt to silence all cries.

 

  • You are highly suggestible. Words like “leak,” “leaky,” “breastmilk,” “nursing,” etc. do not mean “faucet. on. now.” Aaaaaaaaaaaand, somebody looking at you is not another signal for you to get to work. I know, I know, sometimes people look even when you’re covered and put away and while I find it a little confusing myself, it is most likely just curiosity. Though I have to admit your size is significantly more noticeable in your current lactating state than we normally have. But not everyone who checks you out is looking for a free instant meal! In fact, most would be rather grossed out if I offered. So please stop that.

 

  • This last one is a little, well, intimate. I’m thrilled that you still enjoy the whole “other side” of your potential. That you can understand being both a feeding machine and sex goddess is really awesome. Thank you for still being willing to have fun. There’s just one request I have regarding that. If I’m going to get to have sex without a bra on you have got to stop spraying all over the place just when it gets really good! Oh my gosh! Girlfriends, that is… so… freaking… annoying. I understand your excitement, good grief I’m excited too but in that time and place, in that exact moment, your contribution is really to just be there, feel good and look pretty. Showering your contents all over actually puts a damper on the moment. I don’t let it slow me down but I notice and it does distract me. Fortunately, for you and me, The Piano Man and I don’t let you rain on our parade and we still have, er, fun. Though I guess you do… rain on our parade. Maybe it would be better to say we let the parade go on anyway.

Overall, I think you’re great. In fact, you have taught me a lot and far exceeded my expectations. I’m proud of you. You can do amazing things like feed babies, have fun, shoot milk across the room, and more. There are just a few things that if you could work on, I’d really appreciate. Thanks for listening and being so awesome. We’re all good. So, yeah, thanks for everything. Love ya babes.

Filed Under: Boobs, breastfeeding humor, humor Tagged With: ,
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