by Jennie Bernstein
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In Search of Answers on Breastfeeding
April 13, 2015 by Leave a Comment
by Elizabeth Grattan
I found the Leaky Boob after a long while of going it alone in my nursing journey. I lurked silently for months. I watched women come for support. I listened and I learned. And I am so thankful and grateful for the resource. We are three plus years and going strong, my lad and I. And so, in the spirit of forward support, the following is my contribution to celebrate five wonderful years of encouragement for women and men. Thank you Jessica and your admins and the entire family of TLB. All those in this community who make the difference. — Elizabeth
The author and her son.
So many questions. So many answers. Information at our fingertips as we crowd source for support and scour the internet to validate our choices. And still, with all the resources in the world, so much still unknown.
Until we figure out we’re answering the wrong questions. We’re framing our dialogues wrong. We’re talking, but we’re not really saying anything. We’re hearing, but we aren’t really listening. We’re trying to reach, without teaching the things that equip and empower women.
So stop for minute. And consider a better lesson….
The reproductive right that belongs to women. The informed choice she can make when taught all the information. The answer to every single question:
Teach children about anatomy. Equip and educate on reproductive choice early and often. Teach the history of breastfeeding. That autonomy always mattered. That milk is custom to species. That women weaned. That nursing a child is part of the reproductive journey.
Teach what alternatives were used besides the mother’s breast to nourish the offspring. Animals, meat stocks, slaves — hundreds of options that tested our humanity along the way. Teach the history. The good, the bad, the ugly. Teach the injustice. Teach the risk they carried. Teach that babies died early. That infant mortality was horrifying. That we used and exploited women’s bodies.
Teach that we wanted to breastfeed. That we wanted to wean. That we wanted to dry up our milk completely. That we were once unknowingly stripped of a choice. That a pill and a shot were just par for the course. That women and children were at risk. That our options were hit or miss.
Teach the advancements in our journey. How far we have come. How we’re still not done. How amazing that is. That women and children live. But that for some, those same horrors still exist. Teach that we are still working on it.
Teach the socio-economics. Teach the privilege. Teach the realities and the limits on women. Teach the strides we’re making. Teach the change in legislation. Teach that we can and have and will succeed in decisions.
Teach that nursing is a learning process. That seeing breastfeeding matters. That we need observation and exposure. Teach that qualifications have no place. That normalizing keeps women and children from hiding under cover in shame.
Teach about the imperfection in reproduction. So no one is taken aback because a myth told them it was for everyone. Teach how to handle the griefs and losses for women who had their reproductive choices stripped from them.
Teach how to dry the milk. Teach how to wean. Teach how to latch a baby. Teach the laws on breastfeeding. Teach people everything.
And don’t assume a woman will decide to nurse and don’t assume she won’t. Ask her. Trust her answer. Trust her answer might change. And empower her along the way.
So if she says: “I do not want to use my reproductive system this way,” you say: “Okay, here is information on all your options. From drying your milk to stopping engorgement to offering your child their developmental requirement. Here is what’s safe. Here is what isn’t.”
So if she says: “I want to use my reproductive system this way,” you say: “Okay, here is information on all you’re offering. From latching your child to expressing your milk to never forgetting to be kind to yourself. Here is what’s safe. Here is what isn’t.”
But don’t battle about if a reproductive process has benefits. Don’t project your personal preference. Don’t ignore the anecdotes. Don’t ignore the evidence. Don’t tell. Listen. And ask the only relevant question:
“What do you want to do? Because it’s your body, it’s your call. And I want you to know I’m here to help you. Through it all.”
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How would you answer the above question? How have you asked it in support of other women? How are you giving support forward?
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Elizabeth Grattan is a broadcast talent and writer who has covered current events, human interest and social justice for over twenty-five years. Her loves are the strong, gentle arms of her best friend, reasonably priced blended reds and obviously her dream come true little man. Find & friend Elizabeth on FB or follow along on Twitter.
How to explain breastfeeding to children of all ages
November 8, 2013 by 9 Comments
Every once in a while, pretty much every time breastfeeding in public comes up on The Leaky Boob Facebook page or in a group setting, someone expresses in frustration why they feel women should cover or go somewhere private to breastfeed asking “what do I say to my child as to what she is doing?” Inevitably I think they are joking for some reason and for a moment I’ll be amused. But then I realize they are completely serious and they find this to be a very valid reason as to why women should not breastfeed in public. So I, very seriously and with compassion for their situation, offer suggestions, believing that knowing how to talk to children about nutrition, life, and normal infant feeding is important and I don’t want to leave them hanging. How DO you talk about it?
If you’re very busy, and you probably are, I’ll go ahead and save you time and you can get on with your day:
Tell them she is feeding her baby.
This explanation is the most straightforward and appropriate response no matter what the age of the person asking. It has the added bonus of being neither awkward or an untruth. From 12 months to 120 years old, anyone can understand that a breastfeeding woman is feeding her baby. It is simple, it is clear, it is true.
Now, it is possible that some may find this confusing and want to argue that it is somehow gross, indecent, or too intimate to be done in public. This argument is made possible by beer commercials, the media’s portrayal of women’s bodies, and our own overblown ideas fixating on only the sexual nature of the female breasts. However, those that would raise such objections are not likely to be children but rather adults that have bought into the messages of society that the female body, in particular the female breasts, exist solely for the sexual gratification of men. Children do not naturally have such bias so it is doubtful that, if your child is asking what a woman is doing while breastfeeding, they are equating the act with sex. The anxiety you feel about their question is coming from your own inner insecurities and not that of the child. Have no fear though, it is a simple fix: take a deep breath, own your issues, and answer honestly. Hopefully by doing so you can avoid handing down the same issues you have internalized in objectifying women.
Need more help in handling this situation? As a mom of 6 children and a teacher of many more, I’ve had lots of practice. Check out these 6 simple ways of answering the question “what’s that lady doing?” when your child sees a breastfeeding woman:
18 months – 2.5 years old: “You see the mommy feeding her baby? Isn’t that sweet? Let’s leave them alone so that baby can finish their snack, would you like a snack too?”
Or, for the toddler that breastfeeds as well…
“Yes, that baby gets to eat just like you. Would you like to have some mommy milk now too?”
2.5 years old – 4 years old: “Oh, that mommy’s just feeding her baby. All mammal mommies have breasts to feed their babies and even the daddies have nipples but really only mommies have nipples that work for feeding babies. Where are your nipples?”
Or, for the preschooler that breastfeeds as well…
“Yes, that baby gets to eat just like you. Would you like to have some mommy milk now too?”
To help them understand how normal this is and that all mammal mommies feed their babies this way, watch one or all of these sweet clips from Sesame Street:
4 years old – 8 years old: “She’s feeding her baby. That’s what breasts are for, feeding babies. That’s where the term ‘mammal’ comes from, all creatures that feed their babies with their teat or breast are called mammals. What animals can you think of that feed their young this way?”
Or, for the child that breastfeeds as well, all that plus: “Would you like to have some mommy milk now too?”
8 years old – 11 years old: “Thanks for pointing out the mom feeding her baby, I love seeing moms feeding their babies, don’t you? Can you think of other ways babies are sometimes fed? Do you know what kind of creatures feed their babies this way? What other animals feed their young with their mammary glands? Do you know how I fed you as a baby? You were breast/bottle fed and I’m so grateful for the time I had getting to feed you, it was so special.”
11 years old – 13 years old: “It is so nice to see a mom feeding her baby. What do you think of seeing this? It isn’t always easy for moms to breastfeed in public, our society hasn’t always been very supportive of moms. It is the normal way for babies to eat though, we should smile at her to encourage her as she takes care of her baby.”
13 years old – 18 years old: “She’s feeding her baby, isn’t that cool? Does it bother you? I wonder why a mom feeding her baby would make you uncomfortable? Did you know that the primary function of the female breast is to feed babies? Breastfeeding is the normal way for human babies, actually, all baby mammals, to eat. You and I don’t have to hide when we’re eating, why should that baby have to hide? And did you know that bottles are designed inspired by the breast? I’m really glad we got to see this mom feeding her baby, I hope it helps us remember that this is normal and good. Too often the only capacity in which we see the female breast is with an over emphasis on the sexual nature that ends up objectifying women. Let’s smile at her to show our support and in thanks for the reminder that women aren’t sex objects.”
For an adult that acts like a child when they see a woman breastfeeding, refer to the explanation for the younger two categories, that should be simple enough for them to understand.
If you would, however, rather not inform children about breastfeeding and would prefer to hand down issues, simply act like breastfeeding is shameful. With a reaction like that you can continue to be a part of a society that pressures women to breastfed yet sends confusing messages that doing so is somehow shameful and perverted. Such a reaction will go a long way in helping absolutely nobody.
Because it really is as simple as breastfeeding is a mother feeding her baby.
