Breastfeeding support

The surprising barrier women encounter to getting breastfeeding help- breastfeeding advocates

February 7, 2014 by theleakyb@@b 12 Comments

by Jessica Martin-Weber

Support that makes a difference involves respect and thrives in relationship. Meeting Leakies at MommyCon last year was all about mutual respect and relationships.

Sometimes I hear stories of women who struggled with breastfeeding and never got help. They didn’t know who to call or where to go or were too embarrassed to ask for help. Or they didn’t have the money or insurance coverage for an IBCLC or there wasn’t even one in their area. They may have tried a breastfeeding support group but felt intimidated and didn’t speak up. Whatever the case may be, it isn’t as uncommon as you might think that we receive messages at TLB from women stating they have nobody to turn to or nobody they feel comfortable asking. Only with the anonymous intimacy of the internet are these women comfortable even talking about their breastfeeding journey. How, I wonder, could we have gotten to this place where asking for help for a normal body function that isn’t functioning normally is so hard? We’re not even talking about waste or something sexual, we’re talking about feeding children. How can we be so disconnected?

A cursory glance at infant feeding history will reveal that the introduction of formula marketing probably contributed to this break down as well as the cultural expectations developed in the early 1900s that only specific health professionals hold all the answers for our bodies. As science became more elevated, anything that could be measured and formulated was seen as good. Anything else, particularly of our bodies, was suspect as inadequate and less.

But still, why, with all the information about breastmilk now, why would women struggle to even ask for help? Is it really just the effects of marketing and a left over fear from an era that held the doctor as god?

Digging deeper it’s not difficult to see that the over emphasis on the sexual nature of the female breast has contributed to the barriers some women face when they think of their breasts feeding their children. Regular objectification can make it hard for women to connect with their own bodies on a good day let alone if things are proving to be difficult. As society sends mixed signals celebrating female breasts to a point of idolatry yet reacting with disgust far too often when a woman uses her breasts to feed her baby, that disconnect isn’t far from turning into their own repulsion.

Again though, surely information and education can overcome these messages and women can see through the societal objectification of women to reach out for help in feeding their babies, right? Sure, it’s a mountain of baggage to overcome but if we just get the information out there these women will climb that mountain to succeed in making informed choices of which we approve with our support. Why is this so hard?

Maybe it’s because generations of women now haven’t been exposed to breastfeeding or if they have it has been either nominal or little more than entertainment. Breasts are thrust in everyone’s face in TV ads, online images, magazine and newspaper pages, and blown up in store windows but many women have never seen breastfeeding aside from when it is used for comedic relief or perfectly staged and lit for a parenting magazine.

Those trends are turning though, more and more breastfeeding is visible in social media outlets and with increasing frequency in real life. Celebrities and other influencers have taken to not only breastfeeding their own children but doing so openly and in the media’s eye. We’re a long way from breastfeeding really being normal again in society but there is increasingly a precedent of support for breastfeeding moms.

So why are there still so many women asking for anonymous help with their breastfeeding issues? Why is it that there are countless women who don’t feel able to ask for help when they encounter breastfeeding challenges? How are we not closing these gaps with information and public breastfeeding support such that there are still women who feel that seeking out breastfeeding help is too much vulnerability for them to risk? Where is the connection of women that should provide a safe space for infant feeding support?

I believe that one of the reasons our culture struggles so much with vulnerability and honesty is that when people dare to take the risk they are met with responses such as ‘you should be more like me, I don’t have those issues;’ ‘here let me tell you what you should do to fix your very broken self.’ When images and memes circulate demeaning women who don’t breastfeed or didn’t breastfeed long as not having tried hard enough, being lazy, giving their child poison, being unfit mothers, and deserving of guilt for falling short of the “best is breast” mandate or “biological norm” jargon, the connections we should have are torn down, not fortified.

A few months ago at a speaking engagement at an event with a “natural” parenting bent, a woman came up to talk to me. Her voice and posture were defensive from the beginning and she led with “I’ve heard of you but I’ve never been to your site or online community because I knew what I would hear there. I heard you today and I was surprised, I expected you to try to make me feel bad because I use formula. What would you say to me if I told you I used formula? Because I know that makes me the odd one out here and everyone thinks I’m lazy and give my baby poison.” I told her that I would say I was glad she was feeding her baby and I was certain she was doing what was right for her family according to her specific set of circumstances. I told her that I respected her and I understood what it was like being the odd one out in a setting. By the end of our conversation we hugged and took a selfie together. She had opened up about the breastfeeding challenges she was having and I shared some ideas and resources that could help her with those challenges should she so choose. It didn’t matter if she was going to increase her breastfeeding and cut back on the formula, what mattered was that she was heard, she wasn’t alone, and she felt respected and supported. My place was not to judge, pressure, or shame, my place was to respectfully care.

In a time when access to global community is better than ever, when information and support are freely available, when there are a multitude of voices offering support, women are still encountering pressuring messages of shame about their bodies and their choices. Isolating messages. Instead of finding help, many are afraid of facing belittlement. They encounter mocking and dismissive responses to questions or vents about low supply: ‘didn’t you know, only 2% of women can’t physically make enough milk, you couldn’t possibly be in that 2% so you’re just not trying hard enough AKA you’re lazy. If doing the best for your child is important enough to you, you’ll push through any difficulties’. They encounter similar messages about pain: ‘it shouldn’t hurt, if it hurts you’re doing something wrong’. They encounter callous responses to their challenges with societal pressures: ‘just stand up for your rights and stick it to the man or better yet, quit your job and stay home and don’t let someone else raise your child’. And, they encounter unhelpful responses to their challenges with breastfeeding in public: ‘if other people don’t like it they can throw a blanket over their heads, don’t be ashamed to feed your baby’. And these are just the messages that are intended to be helpful.

It can be down right dangerous to suggest that you are considering or *gasp* even have actually supplemented with formula. If you do your very mothering ability could be called into question with accusations of feeding your child poison and comparisons of formula to human waste: ‘formula has CORN SYRUP, how could you want to give your baby poison? Stick to breastmilk, at least it is never recalled and sure formula is better than starvation but so is eating your own shit’. Seeking help with these messages of shame swirling around, knowing the people you would ask have at least seen these messages and may even agree with them and could very well have made or propagated them, can require heaps of bravery at a time when a woman is feeling very vulnerable and possibly already struggling with feelings of inadequacy. Must a woman be brave to ask for help?

What if the very people claiming to advocate for breastfeeding and support families in their infant feeding experiences are the ones driving women away from seeking help when they are struggling? Can it be that the messages coming at women meant to inspire, motivate, and inform actually undermine them? Do we have a responsibility to maybe sit down, shut up and just be available? Instead of telling women what they should do and are doing wrong without really listening to them, what would happen if we provided a safe space to just be, offering support without arrogantly assuming we know exactly what choices each woman should make in her individual circumstances with her available financial, emotional, and relational resources?

Imagine how connected we could be if we would just listen and empathize as our first response rather than isolate, shame, and suggest DIY fixes. Meeting women where they are instead of where we think they should be. Imagine the change this could bring if just a few of us decided that we will stand against bullying, unintentional and intentional, as part of breastfeeding support and simply be the safe community that respects each woman without condition of conforming to our own breastfeeding agendas and principles.

I have been called a bully for calling out breastfeeding activists that have used such tactics and recently, when I encouraged my readers to be careful with whom they align themselves with through their social media outlets, I was told I was shaming another breastfeeding advocate and people I should support even if I disagree with how they are behaving. I have been asked how I could partner with someone like the Suzanne Barston from the Fearless Formula Feeder who supposedly should be my “sworn enemy” in spreading a message of support for all. I have been approached by concerned breastfeeding advocates that perhaps I should put my efforts into creating a unified front for breastfeeding education and support instead of denouncing those in our camp that refuse to reconsider their strong-arm messaging of shame. Though I’ve been vocal against such methods of supposed “support” in the past, I haven’t had the energy or the time to juggle everything let alone to add making those whose “camp” I should be in angry so TLB just quietly carried on with our core values in place doing the best we could to support. But I’ve had enough and I can’t continue even appearing as though I’m part of a movement that often (yes, OFTEN) utilizes tools of shame cloaked as “inspiration.”

If standing against bullying and shame based motivators requires me to hand in my “lactivist” or breastfeeding advocate card, so be it. You can have it. The Leaky Boob is about people first and I will not throw that principle and my compassion under the bus of arrogant activism. I have no doubt sometimes my own efforts of support are missteps and unintentionally hurt people and I know sometimes there are voices within TLB’s community that can be harsh. This isn’t a step away from the belief that there are risks to formula feeding that parents need information about, it isn’t a divorce from the science that supports breastfeeding as the healthy normal food for a human infant, this isn’t a watering down of our commitment to help moms reach their breastfeeding goals, and it certainly isn’t a sugarcoating of the issues surrounding infant feeding and society. Those issues remain and will continue to be something we respectfully discuss. This is simply a more clear step toward expressing the underlying belief that pressuring moms and telling them what to do and how to do it is not actual support. Whatever label or camp TLB falls under, I hope it is one that is hallmarked with compassion. In agreement with those the asked me what about being unified, I call all breastfeeding advocates, all infant nutrition experts, all WHO Code champions, all individuals with an invested interest in infant and early childhood feeding to ask how we can all unite with respect as mothers and fathers first, remembering our humanity as more important than our individual lifestyles and choices. As Amy West said:

Maybe the breastfeeding advocacy chapter is coming to a close; maybe fostering respect among mothers is the real cause worth championing.

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding support, Featured, formula, guilt, Jessica, motherhood Tagged With: Amy West, breastfeeding advocates, breastfeeding barriers, Breastfeeding support, lactavism, lactavists, The Fearless Formula Feeder

Guest Post from Suzanne of The Fearless Formula Feeder- Mean People Suck.

January 31, 2014 by theleakyb@@b 3 Comments

I’m happy to share this guest post from Suzanne Barston the a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Suzanne writes over at the Fearless Formula Feeder, a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. I asked to cross post her article because I thought it was well written and offered a perspective that should touch all of our humanity about how we treat others in the name of a cause. My friendship with Suzanne has been growing and I deeply respect her, the work she does, and her heart because while it may seem at first glance that she and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum, we are, in fact, more similar than we are different. I highly encourage my readers to quietly spend some time on her website and Facebook page listening and learning. To genuinely support you have to first listen to what those needing support actually need and don’t assume you know better than they. This article was originally published here. ~Jessica

by Suzanne Barston

Back in the 90’s, before the age of memes, bumper stickers were the best of sending the world (or at least the person stuck behind you in traffic) a message about your political leanings, philosophy, or the status of your child’s “Good Citizenship” in school. People got seriously creative with these little strips of adhesive, but there was one that seemed to be strike a chord with the folks I typically associated with. The Birkenstocks-wearing, Ani-DiFranco-listening, liberal-arts-major types. The message that seemed to be stuck to the back of everyone’s used Volvo was this:

Mean People Suck.

Catchy, isn’t it?

But what I’ve realized in my late thirties is that mean people do more than just “suck”. The screw things up for the rest of us, in serious, systemic ways. They are the cops who brutalize minor offenders based on the color of their skin; the politicians who refuse to see the human side of their voting record, the instigators of road rage. And in the parenting world, they are the women who perpetuate the mommy wars (such a stupid and patronizing term, for a stupid and patronizing problem).

The thing is, mommy “wars” may be stupid, but their effect is far-reaching and profound. They make us believe we need to take sides, choose a team, thus dividing us and making it ridiculously easy to conquer us. And by conquering us, I mean keeping us from fighting collectively for better family leave, better maternal health care, better resources and options for our children and ourselves. We’re so busy trying to prove we’re an Alpha Female, conveniently forgetting that alpha males are generally assholes.

Speaking of Alpha Females, there’s a woman who has built up an impressive following on the Internet who I’ve tried to avoid giving airtime for the past year or so, after a few run-ins that made it clear her only motivation in life is to fight. I’ve tried thinking about her in a new-agey way, considering what made her the way she is, and trying to feel sympathy for her anger and vitriol rather than letting her make me act in turn. But when Jessica from the Leaky Boob – a woman I admire greatly and am proud to consider a friend – reached out to me about this Alpha person’s latest assault, I agreed to speak up.

I agreed to speak up because my friendship with Jessica is based on everything that this other person is trying her damndest to destroy. Jessica runs one of the most respected and beloved communities for breastfeeding women. I run a modest but pretty vocal community of people who take issue with the current state of breastfeeding promotion (as well as people who are totally cool with breastfeeding promotion, but ended up using formula for whatever reason and are willing to put up with the constant drama and debate because they have few other communities where they feel safe asking questions about formula feeding). We’re part of an informal community of breastfeeding advocates (and me, although I do consider myself a breastfeeding advocate, albeit a strange hybrid of one) where we discuss ways to better serve all mothers and provide REAL support and education. It’s actually really awesome to see how women can work together to find solutions even when they come from opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.

The Alpha individual operates on the premise that working relationships (and friendships) like this cannot – or should not – exist. Her page and blog are consistently dedicated to making fun of those who haven’t lived up to her own personal standards. Her work wouldn’t be worth mentioning at all, except for the fact that she has gotten the seal of approval from several notable breastfeeding researchers and advocates, including James Akre, who writes regular (and strikingly misogynist) guest posts for her blog. The woman knows how to get page views and Facebook likes. You have to admire her for that.

But in the immortal words of Stan Lee (and as I keep telling my Marvel comic-obsessed son), with great power comes great responsibility. And when someone with a fair share of public attention does something incredibly harmful, not only to a movement (those invested in creating a more supportive environment among mothers) but more importantly to an individual, that is an abuse of power, and seriously irresponsible.

Here are the facts: The blogger in question stole a photo of a woman in an emotional moment and used it to promote her recurring message that formula feeding parents are lazy and un-invested in their children. The photo was of a woman hooked up to wires, looking at least semi-unconscious, with a baby being held up to her breast. The blogger superimposed the word “obsessed” on the photo, meant in a “positive” way, as in, yes; this woman was obsessed with breastfeeding, which was a good thing because it meant she was properly dedicated. Unlike the rest of you nitwits.

The thing is, that was the antithesis of what this photo meant to the mom featured in it. This was, for her, a memory of something she went through with her child. I don’t know if that memory was positive or negative or something in between, as most postpartum memories are when something goes awry. It’s not my business to know. It’s hers. She didn’t intend for her image to be used this way. We don’t know the backstory behind the image, which I’m sure is human and flawed and beautiful and complicated.

But bloggers like the Alpha person are not complicated. They are simple. They are mean. And mean people suck.

They suck the life out of images like this; make them fodder for a contrived mommy war. They suck the life out of breastfeeding advocacy efforts, because they perpetuate the myth of the “breastapo” by becoming a caricature of that concept. They suck the joy out of parenting, by making it a competition. They suck the intelligence and nuance out of what could be a productive debate between people who genuinely care about maternal and child health. And they suck the energy out of bloggers like Jessica and myself, who resent that we feel forced into a corner and made to confront this type of bottom-feeding behavior, when we could be focusing our collective efforts on something more productive.

Alpha types will always exist, these parasites that feed on fear, loneliness and feelings of inferiority. But parasites can be stopped if their food source is cut off. That’s why we are asking both of our communities to stop engaging. Don’t be a food source. Don’t visit her site. Don’t comment on the Facebook page, even if it’s to fight back against the hate. Just don’t engage.

If you see people you respect at risk of an infestation, let them know the true nature of the beast. Speak up when respected advocates are partnering with her or linking to her work. Let those around you know that this type of behavior does not advocate breastfeeding; it advocates bullying, shaming and hate.

And if you see one of her memes, post one of your own. One from a time before the internet allowed the best and worst of humanity to be distributed worldwide: Mean People Suck. Because they do.

Filed Under: Article, Bottle Feeding, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding difficulties, breastfeeding support, Facebook, Featured, guest posts, motherhood, Parenting Tagged With: breastfeeding advocacy, Breastfeeding support, cyber bullying, infant feeding support, Mean people suck, memes, Parenting, stealing photos, The Alpha Parent, The Fearless Formula Feeder

Tough Love Breastfeeding Support, AKA bullying, and the case of the stolen photo

January 30, 2014 by theleakyb@@b 35 Comments

by Jessica Martin-Weber

Sometimes tough love is necessary, sometimes people getting in your face, calling you names, and yelling at you totally works as motivation. Usually motivation to punch them in the throat but hey it’s motivation. Entire “reality” TV shows have been built on this premise: you can scream troubled teens onto the right path, personal trainers can belittle overweight individuals into exercise and healthy eating, and business moguels can rant apprentices into savvy executives. In spite of all the studies that show that shaming doesn’t actually provide any kind of lasting intrinsic motivation, countless parents, self-help gurus, educators, and others in positions of influence and authority resort to shaming in a desperate attempt to inspire positive change. Sometimes tough love really isn’t tough love, it’s a power trip down false-sense-of-superiority lane.

Even those purporting to support families. Birth, breastfeeding, and, ironically, gentle parenting advocates, far too often resort to shaming other parents. Because that makes sense, something negative is going to have a lasting, positive impact. Undermining parents’ confidence surely is going to result in change for the better, right?

Wrong.

It may get your website page views, it may increase your “talking about” numbers on Facebook, it may even get people pinning your content on Pinterest. But helping people? Not likely. Inspiring them to do something different? Maybe but that may just be to ignore any information or support because it all starts to feel like an attack. I’m not talking about guilt here (though wishing guilt on people is just nasty) but rather intentionally belittling, mocking, and dismissing others in order to induce shame and build a false sense of superiority. Guilt is one’s own feeling and sense of grief over perceived wrongdoing (sometimes legit, other times not) so believing that what they did was wrong, shame is one’s own feeling and sense of grief over their personal ability of perceived wrongdoing (sometimes legit, other times not) so believing that who they are is wrong. Shaming is intentionally trying to make someone not only feel guilt but to internalize it as believing that somehow they are bad/lazy/stupid/unloving/pathetic/unloveable/worthless as a result. Ultimately, shaming comes from a desire to see someone feel bad about themselves.

It’s disgusting. And it doesn’t work to motivate people to change their actions. It isn’t education, it isn’t support, it is really nothing more than abuse.

I’ve shared before that I’m not really passionate about breastfeeding. I mean, I am, but I’m not actually passionate about breastfeeding. What I am passionate about is people and personally, I don’t see how you can actually be passionate about breastfeeding but not be passionate about people. To do so would mean that you care less about people than you do about being heard as right. Do you know what happens with that kind of passion? It hurts people and detracts from the message you are trying to promote. That kind of passion becomes easy to dismiss at best, damaging at worst.

The Leaky Boob isn’t about that kind of passion. The information, images, stories, and interactions we share are meant to inspire and encourage people. While we can’t control nor are we responsible for the emotions of others, we don’t intentionally try to manipulate others’ feelings. Underlying everything at TLB is respect and the belief that with genuine support and information, women are perfectly capable as mothers to make the best decisions for their families based on the information and resources available to them in their individual circumstances. We don’t assume to know what that looks like for anyone.

So it was with horror that we discovered an image of one of our own volunteer admins originally shared on The Leaky Boob Facebook page and then on theleakyboob.com had been turned into a vehicle intended to shame, belittle, and attack certain mothers. An image that was shared to inspire and encourage, to give someone the platform to share their own personal story and breastfeeding journey, had been used as a vile expression of superiority intended to hurt others. Words were applied to this image communicating the very opposite of what TLB and Serena, the woman pictured, stand for as a community. Without permission, Serena’s image was used to spread a message she in no way condones aligning her with those that would bully others.

I’m not going to lie, I am incensed. For my friend, for my community, and for those hurt by this image, I am outraged. Disgusted.

Mean people suck. My friend Suzie at the Fearless Formula Feeder breaks it down beautifully.

The person that perverted this image stole Serena’s photo and manipulated it in order to send a shaming message to formula feeders. In a statement to me Serena expressed that she felt violated and used. Not only that, but as a woman that has both breastfed and formula fed, Serena’s own image was used to attack a group of women to which she belongs as well.

When I opened FB this morning to a message from a concerned friend with a link to this meme I was shocked. Shocked that MY photo, a photo of a tender moment, could be used in such a hateful, disparaging way. To see that it was posted 28 weeks ago only makes it worse. All this time MY photo has been circulating with such a hurtful message, a message that I would NEVER propagate. Belittling or negating someone else’s breastfeeding issues or choices is not beneficial for anyone. As mothers we all do what we believe is best for our children. Even though our opinions may differ due to choice or circumstance. I am not a breastfeeding martyr, I have used formula in conjunction with breastfeeding when needed. What was important was that I was able to mother my son in the way I wanted to, due to the SUPPORT I received. Support is something that was lacking in the making of this meme. I do not condone the use of my photo in this way. ~Serena Tremblay

As far as we can tell, the image was originally posted to The Alpha Parent’s Pinterest board “Dear Formula Feeder,” don’t go check it out, it is a virtual collection of putrid hate filled shaming refuse. Nobody needs to see that. There has been no response to our two email attempts requesting the image be removed and destroyed (and never shared again) and so Serena has followed Pinterest guidelines to have the graphic removed. We have tried to utilize respectful means and the proper channels to have this image removed and do believe that Pinterest will not allow the copyright violation to remain. Still, simply having that image erased from Pinterest won’t be enough. It has been seen and discussed in some circles, it’s message cutting and hurting and not helping anyone. The Leaky Boob stands behind Serena that this graphic is not a message we condone. The Leaky Boob, including Serena and all the volunteer admins hold to a very different set of values:

It is rare that I single anybody out for how they run their own website and social media presence. I respect that there are different styles and a variety of people are attracted to those style distinctives. I don’t have to get it or agree. But this has gone too far. Stealing an image and putting words to it that are directly opposed to the intent of the owner of the photo. Standing against the oppression of others is part of my passion for people, so I have raised my voice to express concern and even outrage when I have seen supposed breastfeeding advocates resort to shaming in general and specifically with this same offender. It is not the first time I have vocally opposed messages coming from The Alpha Parent and I agree with Amy West’s assessment of TAP’s “brand” of support. This time though a line has been crossed and while I have long not tolerated any abusive messages in the name of “supporting breastfeeding” within The Leaky Boob community, now I am taking stand against any and all expressions of shaming in the name of breastfeeding advocacy outside of my own little space.

Why am I sharing this with you? What can you do about it? If you’re reading this and have made it this far you probably care at least a little about how babies are fed, the information moms receive, have an interest in parenting support, or at the very least watch online interactions with a passing interest. To those ends then, consider how you are promoting shaming messages targeting others. Here are some simple steps you can take to not contribute to the type of interactions that do nothing to make our world a better place.

Don’t share or spread memes that mock, belittle, or promote the shaming of anyone. This isn’t just a breastfeeding/formula feeding issue. This is a human issue.
Before you use an image, be sure you have permission and don’t create memes and graphics that mock, belittle, or promote the shaming of anyone.
Question every image you see and the message attached with it, particularly online. Everything may not be what it seems.
If you “like” or follow any personality that regularly engages in such messaging, unlike and unfollow them. Take away their audience and don’t align yourself with the hate they are communicating.
NEVER share materials, even if they seem supportive, from a source that you can not verify as free of mocking, belittling, or the promotion of shaming. Many of the breastfeeding support and education sources I follow share materials from The Alpha Parent because some of her content, particularly her older stuff, is pretty decent. Every time I see one of these resources share content from her I cringe, it’s like leading lambs to the slaughter. I loved her “anatomy of the toddler brain” post from a while back but there is no way I’ll share that with my audience, it would be irresponsible of me to do so. Share responsibly.
Ignore them. It is tempting to take a stand and engage in heated arguments with those that thrive on putting down others, particularly online, but truth be told, ignoring them is far more effective in shutting them up. Don’t engage.
Consistently share and interact with messages that promote true support and eventually the attraction of the fight will fade. Offer supportive support and if you find you are tempted to go on the attack, ask yourself why and what insecurities could be motivating you to do so.

I won’t be linking to The Alpha Parent here but I do encourage you to look through your social media channels and remove The Alpha Parent from your playlist if she is there. My intent is not to shame The Alpha Parent or cause her any harm and I hope that she finds her own happiness that doesn’t depend on a false sense of superiority. I hope we all can.

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding support, Facebook, Featured, formula, guilt, Jessica, off my chest, The Leaky Boob Tagged With: anti bullying, Breastfeeding in the NICU, breastfeeding memes, Breastfeeding support, Bullying, memes, online bullying, Serena Tremblay, social media responsibility, The Alpha Parent, The Leaky Boob, tough love

How to explain breastfeeding to children of all ages

November 8, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 9 Comments

Every once in a while, pretty much every time breastfeeding in public comes up on The Leaky Boob Facebook page or in a group setting, someone expresses in frustration why they feel women should cover or go somewhere private to breastfeed asking “what do I say to my child as to what she is doing?” Inevitably I think they are joking for some reason and for a moment I’ll be amused. But then I realize they are completely serious and they find this to be a very valid reason as to why women should not breastfeed in public. So I, very seriously and with compassion for their situation, offer suggestions, believing that knowing how to talk to children about nutrition, life, and normal infant feeding is important and I don’t want to leave them hanging. How DO you talk about it?

If you’re very busy, and you probably are, I’ll go ahead and save you time and you can get on with your day:

Tell them she is feeding her baby.

This explanation is the most straightforward and appropriate response no matter what the age of the person asking. It has the added bonus of being neither awkward or an untruth. From 12 months to 120 years old, anyone can understand that a breastfeeding woman is feeding her baby. It is simple, it is clear, it is true.

Now, it is possible that some may find this confusing and want to argue that it is somehow gross, indecent, or too intimate to be done in public. This argument is made possible by beer commercials, the media’s portrayal of women’s bodies, and our own overblown ideas fixating on only the sexual nature of the female breasts. However, those that would raise such objections are not likely to be children but rather adults that have bought into the messages of society that the female body, in particular the female breasts, exist solely for the sexual gratification of men. Children do not naturally have such bias so it is doubtful that, if your child is asking what a woman is doing while breastfeeding, they are equating the act with sex. The anxiety you feel about their question is coming from your own inner insecurities and not that of the child. Have no fear though, it is a simple fix: take a deep breath, own your issues, and answer honestly. Hopefully by doing so you can avoid handing down the same issues you have internalized in objectifying women.

Need more help in handling this situation? As a mom of 6 children and a teacher of many more, I’ve had lots of practice. Check out these 6 simple ways of answering the question “what’s that lady doing?” when your child sees a breastfeeding woman:

18 months – 2.5 years old: “You see the mommy feeding her baby? Isn’t that sweet? Let’s leave them alone so that baby can finish their snack, would you like a snack too?”

Or, for the toddler that breastfeeds as well…

“Yes, that baby gets to eat just like you. Would you like to have some mommy milk now too?”

2.5 years old – 4 years old: “Oh, that mommy’s just feeding her baby. All mammal mommies have breasts to feed their babies and even the daddies have nipples but really only mommies have nipples that work for feeding babies. Where are your nipples?”

Or, for the preschooler that breastfeeds as well…

“Yes, that baby gets to eat just like you. Would you like to have some mommy milk now too?”

To help them understand how normal this is and that all mammal mommies feed their babies this way, watch one or all of these sweet clips from Sesame Street:

Mom and baby mammals

Buffy nurses Cody

Maria Breastfeeds

You’re My Baby music video

4 years old – 8 years old: “She’s feeding her baby. That’s what breasts are for, feeding babies. That’s where the term ‘mammal’ comes from, all creatures that feed their babies with their teat or breast are called mammals. What animals can you think of that feed their young this way?”

Or, for the child that breastfeeds as well, all that plus: “Would you like to have some mommy milk now too?”

8 years old – 11 years old: “Thanks for pointing out the mom feeding her baby, I love seeing moms feeding their babies, don’t you? Can you think of other ways babies are sometimes fed? Do you know what kind of creatures feed their babies this way? What other animals feed their young with their mammary glands? Do you know how I fed you as a baby? You were breast/bottle fed and I’m so grateful for the time I had getting to feed you, it was so special.”

11 years old – 13 years old: “It is so nice to see a mom feeding her baby. What do you think of seeing this? It isn’t always easy for moms to breastfeed in public, our society hasn’t always been very supportive of moms. It is the normal way for babies to eat though, we should smile at her to encourage her as she takes care of her baby.”

13 years old – 18 years old: “She’s feeding her baby, isn’t that cool? Does it bother you? I wonder why a mom feeding her baby would make you uncomfortable? Did you know that the primary function of the female breast is to feed babies? Breastfeeding is the normal way for human babies, actually, all baby mammals, to eat. You and I don’t have to hide when we’re eating, why should that baby have to hide? And did you know that bottles are designed inspired by the breast? I’m really glad we got to see this mom feeding her baby, I hope it helps us remember that this is normal and good. Too often the only capacity in which we see the female breast is with an over emphasis on the sexual nature that ends up objectifying women. Let’s smile at her to show our support and in thanks for the reminder that women aren’t sex objects.”

For an adult that acts like a child when they see a woman breastfeeding, refer to the explanation for the younger two categories, that should be simple enough for them to understand.

If you would, however, rather not inform children about breastfeeding and would prefer to hand down issues, simply act like breastfeeding is shameful. With a reaction like that you can continue to be a part of a society that pressures women to breastfed yet sends confusing messages that doing so is somehow shameful and perverted. Such a reaction will go a long way in helping absolutely nobody.

Because it really is as simple as breastfeeding is a mother feeding her baby.

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding humor, Breastfeeding in public, Children and breastfeeding, Featured, Jessica, Parenting Tagged With: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding education, breastfeeding in public, Breastfeeding support, children and breastfeeding, cover breastfeeding, satire

Six myths about breastfeeding toddlers and preschoolers

October 4, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 19 Comments

Breastfeeding beyond the first year has been something of a hot topic over on The Leaky Boob page this week. It started when I shared this image from Health Canada.

The conversation quickly went from “YAY!” and “awww!” to “gross,” and “that’s sexual abuse of a child.” You can check it out yourself here but it may not be too good for your blood pressure and that’s with having deleted the worst of the comments. The next day I shared another related post presenting the perspective of a rather well-balanced 12 year old that remembers weaning at 4 years old. That thread on Facebook got pretty ugly too.

As I read through the comments I was a bit puzzled as to what the outcry was about. Putting the pieces together I began to see that it came down to what is really just some misunderstandings. Myths about breastfeeding beyond the first year and the women that are willing to do so fueled these passionate (AKA really, really angry) responses to these posts. Then the mothers that are fine breastfeeding beyond the first year were hurt, feeling judged based on myths that they did not find to be true of themselves. Some got defensive. And then more misunderstandings happened. It was a vicious cycle.

To help clear up the misunderstanding, let’s take a look at some of the (surprisingly) common myths held about natural duration breastfeeding.

Myth #1: Moms that breastfeed beyond the first year and definitely into the 3rd year or beyond are trying to keep their children as babies and can’t let go and let them grow up. If you don’t stop when they are young, they’ll never stop.

I’ve never met a parent that didn’t experience their child growing up and leaving various stages as bittersweet. We go into parenting knowing that’s the deal, and let’s be honest here, we’re all looking forward to being done with diapers when the time comes even though we’ll be sad when they don’t quite fit to cuddle on our laps any more. The moms I’ve talked to and from my personal experience, breastfeeding beyond 12 months isn’t about holding on to our child’s infancy, but there is a lot about embracing where they are in the moment. If they still want to breastfeed, fine, no arbitrary date on a calendar they can’t read dictates their needs or our response. As of yet there is no record of an adult needing their mother with them because they never weaned, really don’t think we need to worry about that.

Besides, breastfeeding a toddler or preschooler really is nothing like breastfeeding an infant. Gymnurstics, squirmy excitement, multitasking, etc., one can’t be breastfeeding a toddler and think “aw, it’s just like cuddling them that first day!” Even when they are falling asleep at the breast and miraculously still (and mom likely is falling asleep finally too) there’s nothing to confuse between those newborn tiny baby days where they fit into the crook of your arm at 7 pounds and the big ol’ toddler days with 30 pounds of limbs covering your lap. I am never more aware of just how fast my daughter is growing up than in those moments and breastfeeding isn’t helping me hold on, it’s helping her hold on as she gradually transitions from baby to toddler to preschooler to school aged child.

Myth #2: Breastfeeding beyond the first year is for the mom’s benefit, not for the child.

This could only be said by someone that hasn’t breastfed beyond the first 12 months. I can’t quite grasp this, I can’t get my child to give me a kiss, put on her shoes, or eat her food if she doesn’t want to, how in the world am I going to force her to breastfeed? And why would I? I mean, seriously, there are teeth in that mouth, for me to be willing to allow that mouth on my breast there has to be some very rearust established and I’m not going to risk getting bit just “for my benefit.” And breastfeeding a toddler or preschooler isn’t all rainbow farting unicorns either, it can be very challenging and while I’m no martyr I’m also honest and realistic enough to admit that not only are there some special sweet moments breastfeeding beyond the first 12 months but there are also some crazy hard moments that I can’t stand. Breastfeeding beyond the first 12 months isn’t for the mom’s benefit, it is for the mom and child’s benefit together.

Myth #3: Natural duration breastfeeding means a child won’t learn how to eat solids or use a cup. Breastfeeding should stop when the child gets teeth.

Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Where did that idea come from? Seriously, I can’t even begin to understand how someone made that rather large leap. Some babies are born with teeth, some cut them as early as a 2-4 months. Having teeth does not negate the nutritional and developmental requirements a child has. Not all babies warm up to solids right away but generally toddlers grasp the concept of eating solids and drinking from a cup quite well. One word for you: cheerios. All my girls that breastfed beyond the first year were well into solids and drinking out of a cup by the time their first birthday rolled around. Cake smashing was an event they enjoyed. Avocado was a favorite first food as well as banana, sweet potatoes, and chicken, and more, all by the first year. I have had my toddler finish at the breast and immediately sign “eat” or “drink.” She’s not confused, she just wants to have her boob, her cup, her cake, and to eat it too.

So let me set the record straight: breastfeeding for long beyond the first 12 months will not inhibit a child’s developmental ability to eat and drink other foods.

Myth #4: Mothers that breastfeed beyond a year are trying to force all other mothers to breastfeed beyond a year even if other mothers are uncomfortable doing so. Also, they judge any mother that doesn’t breastfeed beyond a year.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve got my hands full trying to get my own kids to do things, I have absolutely no desire to try and get anyone else to do anything else. Sharing information and promoting conversation is great, I’m all for it, but I don’t have the energy to force anyone to do anything. Breastfeed, don’t breastfeed. You don’t need my approval and I’m not looking to give it. You can breastfeed for 3 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years, I will support you. You may not breastfeed at all and whatever your reason, I can still support you as a person and fellow mother. My choices are not a reaction nor a judgment on yours. The information I share is not intended to guilt or to shame, simply share. Conversation is great but if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, there are lots of other people that do.

So now that we got that cleared up, let’s be friends. You take care of your kids, I’ll take care of mine. If we can learn from each other and encourage each other along the way, that would be awesome. If not… I bet there’s a place where you can find that and it will work for you and some place else for me.

Myth #5: Breasts are for sex so breastfeeding past 12 months is sexual abuse. Breasts are genitals and having a child suck on them is pedophilia.

Just… no. This myth is one giant ball of NO. Stop and think about it for just a minute. There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING that would constitute as sexual abuse at 18 months that was acceptable to do to a child at 6 weeks. People, please. No. Breastfeeding doesn’t suddenly turn into a sex act simply because of a birthday (or two or three). Breasts have a powerful sexual attraction to them, biologically men are drawn to find female breasts attractive in looking for a mate. Which makes sense because if they mate, well, breasts will be needed to feed the end result of that mating. Babies need boobies. Men are attracted to a mate that can feed babies. It’s all kind of linked. That doesn’t mean a child suckling at the breast is performing some kind of sexual act. GIANT BALL OF NO. Children are not sexually mature and hopefully a 3 year old hasn’t been exposed to the lies from society telling them that a woman’s body is first and foremost for the pleasure of others and selling things and all they know is that their mother is safe and warm and her milk is for them. Children do not understand the concept of sex, that would be projecting adult ideas onto them. In other words: if you see breastfeeding as a sexual act you have your own issues to deal with and you should leave the child out of it.

Myth #6: Breastfeeding after 12 months will cause a child mental health issues.

Thankfully, while there is a rise in mental health issues amongst today’s teens, breastfeeding does not appear to be related. At. All. Is “extended breastfeeding messing up our kids?” The answer is a resounding no.

I’m willing to bet that if these naysayers against natural duration breastfeeding actually met most mothers who practiced natural duration breastfeeding out with her child, unless her child was actually breastfeeding when the encountered them, they would think she was a normal, healthy mother lovingly caring for her children.

And they would be right.

Because she is a normal, healthy mother lovingly caring for her children.

Maybe breastfeeding beyond a year isn’t for you, maybe you’re uncomfortable seeing it. Maybe it’s no big deal to you and you have enjoyed that connection with your own child. Let’s let the myths go, they cloud the issue and distract from open dialogue, breaking down what could otherwise be a supportive, encouraging exchange of ideas in conversation.

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What other myths have you heard related to breastfeeding past the first 12 months? What has been your experience breastfeeding beyond a year?

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Filed Under: Article, baby-led weaning, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, child led weaning, extended breastfeeding, Facebook, family, Featured, Jessica, The Leaky Boob, toddler, Weaning Tagged With: Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding support, extended breastfeeding, extreme parenting, health canada breastfeeding is not just for newborns, moms, motherhood, natural duration breastfeeding, Parenting, Toddlers

For the Love of All Things Holy…

September 15, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 7 Comments

by Kari Swanson

For the love of all things holy, breastfeeding is not sacred. It is simply a fact of anatomical structures, physiological processes and biological circumstance that female mammals produce these nutritional substances we call milk to sustain the lives of their offspring through infancy, preparing them in uniquely appropriate ways for their future existences. While I certainly appreciate the wonder that is nature, whether it was designed by some Intelligence or not, I do not think it serves women or infants particularly well to proceed down the rabbit hole that is defining what should be a commonplace, normal, and natural part of child-rearing as a sacred activity that requires devotion on the scale of a full-fledged religious experience.

Milk is the liquid substance produced by the mammary glands of female mammals upon which young mammals feed. For each species the quantity and quality of the life-sustaining substance varies to support the specific needs of that species. Like other mammals, human females produce milk from their mammary glands in what some might describe as a complex, yet elegant process. Except in cases where glandular tissue is insufficiently developed, all human females possess the anatomy and physiology to produce milk. Quality and quantity are dependent on numerous factors (e.g. the woman’s nutritional status, stimulation of supply from suckling, etc.), but the capability is there simply by the existence of the glandular tissue itself and exposure to the cascade of chemicals that result following pregnancy and childbirth. Whether or not there was intelligence in the design it is a factual characteristic of our membership in the class Mammalia that we as human females can and do produce milk. Given the right circumstances it can even be stimulated in females who have never given birth. Yet despite the decidedly universal nature of this capability among all mammals we are arguably the only species that both maligns and elevates this activity.

It is the elevation of this somewhat mundane activity that is my primary concern here. The term sacred is variously defined by Merriam Webster to include, that which is “dedicated or set apart for the service or worship of a deity”, or that which is “worthy of religious veneration” or that which is “entitled to reverence or respect” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sacred). In the profane world in which we live elevating breastfeeding into the realm of the sacred marginalizes women. Women are not deities. Setting us apart for special treatment based purely on the fact of our anatomy is a set up for social exclusion and it is a set up for segregating women into categories of those who “do it right” and those who do not. Dichotomy is not supportive. It is divisive. It is a privileged perspective.

Cult-like worship of a biological activity that requires significant social support, in a culture that has largely forgotten that the activity is normal, does little to improve the integration of the activity into the everyday lives of all people. It also does not present a broad range of what constitutes success, which will certainly not increase rates of breastfeeding. It will alienate women who cannot achieve the ideal. Women need to create their own standards for breastfeeding success and they need to be supported in so doing. It behooves us as supporters of breastfeeding women to provide the kind of support that increases the number of women who breastfeed. Classifying breastfeeding as a sacred activity does not do that.

Breastfeeding is not a sacred activity. Breastfeeding is everyday, commonplace, normal, flexible, and beautiful for what it is. This is breastfeeding:

Woman breastfeeding a child while surrounded by others listening to speakers during an outdoor STFU meeting. http://www.flickr.com/photos/kheelcenter/5279315901/in/photolist-93vSFX/

Nothing more. Nothing less.

Kari Swanson is a daughter, sister, wife, mother of two, librarian, member of Generation X and an admin for The Leaky B@@b Facebook page. Kari blogs occasionally over at Thoughts from BookishMama.

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding support Tagged With: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding and society, Breastfeeding support

Iola Kostrzewski on Black Breastfeeding Week

August 30, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 17 Comments

by Iola Kostrzewski

Black Breastfeeding Week is not, I repeat, is not a week to have more of the white versus black argument. It’s not a week to get white women to notice black women breastfeeding, or even to get white women to acknowledge the fact that black women do breastfeed. It’s a week for us black women to bring awareness to other black women that, yes, we are in control of our bodies, that we need to no longer let historical trauma hold us back, that we need to have more free breastfeeding education classes and access to those classes.

Black Breastfeeding Week is bittersweet. It says, “Hey, there is enough of an issue that World Breastfeeding Week is no longer cutting it.” If anything it’s a black versus black week; it’s about trying to change the outlook on the breastfeeding from within the black community. We need to do whatever we need to do to raise the rate of black women breastfeeding.

From the time Black Breastfeeding Week was announced, I have seen women who call themselves breastfeeding advocates make some of the most racist comments I have ever seen written by anyone who claims to promote breastfeeding. I have seen women who have had nurse-ins, who stand up for the rights of nursing mothers, argue that there is no need for this week. They argue that the week, even though black women created it, is racist.

Let’s stop, gather our thoughts, and breathe.

Let’s also take the time to remember that this week is not about whites versus blacks.

Yes, I understand that there was a World Breastfeeding Week a few weeks ago that is supposed to promote equality for women of all races who breastfeed. Yet how can we have equality when the statistics show that black women are lagging behind when it comes to breastfeeding? We cannot be equal until all women are on the same playing field.

No matter how hard I try to understand, I don’t understand how this week is offensive.

What’s offensive is making the comment “Black women are just lazy” or “Black women just don’t use their mind” after reading explanations about why this week is needed. What’s offensive is refusing to acknowledge your white privilege while continuing to ramble on about how, yes, you have had hard times when it comes to breastfeeding, but you got over it. What’s offensive is going on to question why there isn’t a “White Breastfeeding Week”. Though, I sit here and wonder to myself how can you have a “white” week? Wouldn’t you mean a German, Norwegian, or Polish week?

What is mind-boggling is how a person can say she is color blind to race, yet follows that by saying, “I have a black friend who has mixed kids and she breastfed them.” How in anyway is that being color blind?

Yet this week is not about me versus you.

This week, in all reality, is Black vs. Black. It’s about battling the misconceptions about breastfeeding in the black community, particularly in the United States. It’s about being able to breastfeed in front of my mother without her cringing and saying, “That’s what slaves used to do.” It’s about not being told by a black parenting group that the project I have been working on is too “explicit” and offensive to Jesus. Jesus was breastfed.

This week is about letting certain black celebrities know that milk sharing and wet nurses are not just things that slaves did, and that a 150 years later it’s done by free will. This week is about letting black women know that if we work together we can make a change.

So, instead of saying this week isn’t necessary, tell me “I support you.” Tell me that what I am doing is beautiful.

Many people I know don’t support breastfeeding at all. It isn’t celebrated in my culture. Black Breastfeeding Week is helping to make it part of my culture. My friends and family, my neighbors and community leaders need to see breastfeeding as a normal part of life. Help me make that a reality.

This week targets the population with the lowest breastfeeding rates overall. Let’s work to bring those numbers up so we can all celebrate together.

It is my dream that in a couple years Black Breastfeeding Week will no longer be necessary. My hope is that we can make enough of an impact together to close the statistical gap. This is something we need to do together. Black women need to come together and show our community that breastfeeding is normal. And, we need the support of our friends of all colors and walks of life.

The author wishes to thank Amanda Jenson, who provided moral and editorial support for this piece.

Iola Kostrzewski is a wife, mother of two boys, babywearing educator, lactation educator in training, and an aspiring midwife. Iola blogs at What the b**p and I doing?! .

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding support, Featured, guest posts, World Breastfeeding Week Tagged With: African-American mothers, Black Breastfeeding Week, black women, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding support, Community, Why do we need black breastfeeding week, women of color and breastfeeding

Peer Support and a history of World Breastfeeding Week- Celebrate WBW 2013

July 25, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 14 Comments

this post made possible by the generous sponsorship of Fairhaven Health.

Nations around the world continue to make progress in terms of normalizing and supporting breastfeeding, whether in public or in the privacy of a mother’s home. Last week, Guam senator Aline Yamashita introduced a bill to protect the right of women to breastfeed in public or private spaces. In fact, most U.S. states and territories have passed some sort of law regarding breastfeeding.

This is exactly what the World Alliance for Breastfeeding Action had hoped for when they launched World Breastfeeding Week in 1992. Each year, World Breastfeeding Week celebrates women’s breastfeeding rights from August 1-7. The global campaign aims to protect, promote, and support breastfeeding, while raising public awareness about the benefits of breastfeeding.

This year’s theme is all about breastfeeding peer support. Approximately 77 percent of moms begin breastfeeding after delivery, however only 47 percent of moms continue to breastfeed at six months old, and by 12 months old only 25 percent of moms breastfeed their infants. Community support after delivery is essential to successful and sustained breastfeeding. Traditionally, families provided this support but with the global community available via the world wide web, women can seek peer support from Internet communities including The Leaky Boob.

To celebrate World Breastfeeding Week 2013 and breastfeeding peer support The Leaky Boob is hosting The Ultimate World Breastfeeding Week giveaway along with The Boob Group, and the San Diego Breastfeeding Center. Two lucky winners, announced August 8, will each receive an enormous gift basket of breastfeeding support products including teas, nipple salves, breast pads, baby carriers, and much, much more. Last year’s Ultimate World Breastfeeding Week giveaway had over 19,000 entries and the sponsors anticipate having even more this year!

In keeping with the theme of the week, Fairhaven Health plans to host contests and giveaways on their Belly to Breast Facebook page where Facebookers can enter to win natural breastfeeding support products like:

Nursing Blend: A doctor-designed breastfeeding supplement that offers optimal vitamin and mineral support for breastfeeding women, and helps increase milk production.
Nipple Nurture Balm: An organic, all-natural nipple balm designed to soothe, protect, and heal sore or cracked nipples.
Fenugreek: A concentrated, all-natural Fenugreek supplement designed to help increase breast milk production.
Nursing Time Tea: A natural nursing tea to help increase breast milk quality and quantity.
Nursing Postnatal: A comprehensive postnatal multivitamin designed to meet the unique nutritional needs to breastfeeding women.

World Breastfeeding Week also brings The Big Latch On, a global event where women and their children come together to breastfeed for one minute. The goal of the event is to break the record for the number of women breastfeeding simultaneously. Last year’s record to break: 8,862 women and their children. Valuing supporting breastfeeding mothers, Fairhaven Health is working with numerous local organizations to supply breastfeeding support products for Big Latch On events across the country and encouraging online events and interactions that raise awareness of breastfeeding around the world.

For a full list of this year’s events, visit worldbreastfeedingweek.org.

About World Breastfeeding Week

The World Alliance for Breastfeeding Action (WABA) was formed in 1991 to act on the Innocenti Declaration passed by the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) and the World Health Organization (WHO). The declaration recognizes that breastfeeding is a unique process that provides ideal nutrition to infants, contributes to healthy infant growth and development, reduces disease, contributes to women’s health, provides social and economic benefits, and provides women with a sense of satisfaction. World Breastfeeding Week, launched on August 1, 1992, is WABA’s main global campaign to support and promote breastfeeding, and commemorates the adoption of the Innocenti Declaration.

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding stories, giveaway, Jessica, World Breastfeeding Week Tagged With: Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding support, fair haven health, Giveaway, the boob group, The Leaky Boob, world breastfeeding week 2013

Eighteen ways to support your breastfeeding partner and a Beco Soleil giveaway

June 17, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 393 Comments

This post made possible by the generous support of Beco Baby Carrier.

When talking about breastfeeding we naturally spend a lot of time and energy working with, talking to, and sharing about women and babies so it may come as a surprise to you to hear that I feel breastfeeding is not a women’s issue, rather a humanitarian issue. Which means it’s a men’s issue too. Breastfeeding may seem like it’s about moms and babies but in reality breastfeeding is about the family and all of humanity. It matters not just to those doing it and those receiving it but the value of breastfeeding extends to those that used to breastfeed, those who support those who breastfeed, those who know someone who breastfeeds, those who love someone who breastfeeds, and those that helped make the baby that breastfeeds.

Partners, this post’s for you.

I thought about having Jeremy write a post on dads and breastfeeding related to Father’s Day but that was about the equivalent of saying “hey, it’s the holiday to celebrate you… here’s more work for you to do!” Instead we’re heading down the “brag about your partner” path.

Recent research suggests that one of the most important contributing factors in a woman reaching her breastfeeding goals is the support she receives. Those closest to her and health care professionals can have the most impact on her breastfeeding experience. Partners, this means you! Your role in breastfeeding, even though you’re not the one putting the baby to your breast, is not to be minimized. You matter, a lot. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: when you help support a mom according to her needs, she will fall more in love with you. Check out this thread on The Leaky B@@b Facebook page to see more about that. Women are strong and determined and are equipped to breastfeed just fine on their own without support but when we don’t have to… it’s a beautiful thing.

I’m confident I could breastfeed just fine without The Piano Man’s support but I am grateful I have my partner’s support non the less. With so much emphasis put on being a “real man” in culture today it could be easy for him to not be willing to support me breastfeeding or think there’s no room for his involvement but his role is important, valuable. Real man? There is little I find more attractive than an involved partner, equally parenting in a setting of equal support and respect for each other’s contribution in the family. That’s sexy. And totally worth celebrating.

Eighteen ways to support your breastfeeding partner and bond with your baby

bath time- a favorite recommendation for the non-breastfeeding partner is bath time. It gives mom a break, accomplishes an important tasks, creates an opportunity for skin-to-skin, and can’t be multitasked.
play time- even from the time they are first born, babies play. The method just changes. As newborns, talk to them, hold a toy steady for them to examine, holding them securely rock and dance with them. As they grow, the play becomes more active. I love watching my husband play with our children no matter what their age, they bond, I get a break, and I see the tender, fun-loving side of my husband that I love so much.
get her water and make her be comfortable for feedings- breastfeeding is primarily between the mom and baby but there is no reason others can’t be involved. Sit with them, talk with them, physically support her and metaphorically support her, be involved in the connection. Even if it is 2am. By taking care of her by getting her water, snacks, pillows, or anything else she needs, you are involved in the feeding and care of your child.
learn about breastfeeding- read the science behind breastfeeding and encourage her by sharing that information. Find resources and share them with her, learn what a proper latch looks like, and ask her what you can do to help. If she’s pumping, help set up the pump and wash parts. You don’t have to be left out but you may have to involve yourself.
encourage her- think your partner breastfeeding is amazing? TELL HER. Do you think the expression on her face when she looks at your baby at her breast is beautiful? Let her know. Are you proud of her? Respect her? Communicating your support and doing so often goes a long way in her feeling like you’re really present.
make the call- is she struggling with breastfeeding? Is she in pain? Worried? Find the name and number of an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant and make the call. Then get her to the appointment. You could be responsible for saving that breastfeeding relationship.
run interference- is there an annoying individual pressuring her to use formula? Find ways to keep them at bay. Has someone criticized her breastfeeding? Ask her if she wants you to say something or just wants your quiet support while she stands up for herself. In those early days, help her get the rest she needs and hold the boundaries for her to heal from birth well so she can focus on establishing her milk supply.
adjust expectations- things have changed, her body, the family dynamic, sleep, you name it. Having your expectations remain the same simply isn’t realistic and it could greatly damage your relationship. For everyone, have a discussion about realistic expectations in everything from financial decisions to responsibilities, from conversations to chores, from physical intimacy to sleep. Be real and be flexible and you will all end up stronger.
massage- offer to give your partner a back rub and even if she’s touched out, she’ll probably welcome that physical closeness. Learn infant massage and give your partner some space to herself while you soothe and care for your child. Massage is powerful.
send her away- if baby is fed, consider sending your breastfeeding partner out of the house for an hour or so while you take on all the care. Bonding with your baby while she’s gone and giving her some time to hear her own thoughts can strengthen you all.
cosleep- while it may not be for everyone, done safely, cosleeping provides the space for some deep connections for the family. Do your research before making the decision and if you cosleep make it an intentional choice (not falling asleep on accident on the couch with your newborn) and you’ll find it simplifies breastfeeding at night and puts you right there to not miss out on any of the night time parenting opportunities.
get up- maybe you could sleep through all the night time feedings but if you wake and help get baby (if they aren’t right there in the bed with you already) then you become the promise of milk for your hungry baby. It can be pretty lonely feeding a baby in the middle of the night, don’t miss out on the chance to be present with them. Get up, change the diaper, hand baby to mom, get her a drink of water, and keep her company before you go back to sleep. Everyone will think you’re pretty awesome.
solids- when it’s time to introduce solids, get involved in the action! However you decide to get your baby started on solids (check out baby led weaning or baby led solids- SO fun!) there’s lots of room for the non breastfeeding partner to take the led. You’ll have a blast and so will your baby and chances are strong your partner will love watching you help your baby explore new tastes.
do some chores- think about it this way, if you help with the stuff around the house like dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc., you free up more time for all of you to connect and rest. This will help your bond with your child by modeling healthy adult behavior and balance and by making sure their mother isn’t too drained and stressed. This will help your bond with your partner because while doing the dishes isn’t exactly sexy, her NOT having to do them is.
diaper changes- sure, it’s poop and pee but it happens regularly and is a great opportunity for face to face interactions. Hearing my husband talk to our baby or make silly faces that make them laugh as he changes their diaper always makes me smile. I love that he’s such a good dad.
cook- whatever it is, learn to cook something and do it regularly. Humans bond over food which is part of why breastfeeding is such a bonding experience but it doesn’t stop there. Cooking for your partner and your children forges deeper connections, sharing that meal together (and expressing gratitude for the one that prepared the food!) is sharing a nourishment that reaches the soul.
soothe- if, for some strange reason, the breast can’t soothe your upset child at some point, take a turn trying to soothe them. I’m not sure how but my husband has a magical soothing touch and there has been a point with all of our children where he is the only one that can comfort them and get them to settle to sleep. Even the boob won’t work. When he gets them calmed, I’m calm knowing they were in the arms of someone that loves them as much as I do.
babywearing- all the celebrities are doing, wearing a baby is the trendiest accessory these days. Seriously though, get a carrier you feel comfortable in and take turns with your parter having your baby attached to your body.

My friend Jamie Grumet from I Am Not the Babysitter celebrates these involved partners too and I just love her “Real Men of AP” series highlighting attached dads, see her post about her husband Brian, A Real Man of AP. From babywearing to breastfeeding support, Real Men of AP are the partners that aren’t afraid to forge deep connections with their children, biological or otherwise, even if it means bucking what society tells them is required to be a “real man.” Nurturing, giving, and in tune, these guys step up their manliness factor not in spite of but because they participate in tea parties, run the vacuum, and with lots of cuddles.

This post went live Thursday and then vanished as a result of some technical problems. Preparing our eldest daughter to leave for the rest of the summer, I tried to juggle the issues with the site and having my attention focused on her and getting her ready to leave on Father’s Day. The Piano Man encouraged me to let it go and just be present with my family. So this post is late, very late, but somehow it feels right that it’s so late because it was my very own Real Man of AP that saw my stress in the midst of it all and reminded me of what’s really important and I took the time needed to pour into my family and it was good for my heart. When I think of the guy I co-parent with I see the guy that helps me be the kind of parent I want to be even when external circumstances make that challenging. A man that reminds me it can be ok to disappoint others in some areas so I can be so present with my family. Today that’s what I think of when I think of my Real Man of AP.

The Leaky Boob is teaming up with Jamie and Beco Baby Carrier for a great giveaway and sharing information about how to form strong connections with our children. We want to see the Real Men in your life and how they are attached and connecting with your children, whatever that looks like. Then on Thursday, June 20, 2013 at 10am Central, we’re having a live chat sponsored by Beco Baby Carrier with Jamie Grumet from I am not The Babysitter about developing those attachments with our children, babywearing, discussing attachment parenting, and taking a look at parenting beyond a theory or philosophy in the real world. Share your images and stories of a Real Man of AP and enter for a chance to win one of 3 Beco Soleils (retail value $130/each) and attach drool pads, a coordinating hood, and an infant insert with accessory pack (retail value $40/each) and you can keep the attachment going with a carry-all bag (retail value $25/each) that attaches to the carrier. Let’s show the world what a Real Man of AP looks like, use the hashtag #RealMenofAP on twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, and FB so we all can see (and tag us!) and we’ll share our favorite images on the Facebook pages of I Am Not the Babysitter, Beco Baby Carrier, and The Leaky Boob and visit the Real Men of AP tumblr.

Quick info on the Beco Soleil:

3 carry positions: front, hip, and back.
Built-in waist belt pocket, key and toy ring
Carries 7-45lbs
Carrier weight 1.1lbs
Material: 100% cotton
Seat: 16″ and 17″ tall
Shoulder straps extending from 18″ to 45″
Waist belt extending from 27″ to 59″
Recommended fit for adults 5′ to 6′ 5″
Compatible accessories: hood, drool pads, infant insert, carry-all

Good luck and we look forward to seeing and hearing your pictures and stories! See the widget below to enter.
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Filed Under: Article, baby, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding support, dads, family, father, Featured, giveaway, Jessica, Parenting Tagged With: #RealMenofAP, babywearing, Beco, beco soleil, Breastfeeding support, dads, fathers, Giveaway, I am not the babysitter, Parenting, Real Men of AP

IBCLCs, Negative Experiences, and Self-Advocacy

April 24, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 11 Comments

This post made possible in part by the generous support of Boba, makers of the Boba Baby Carrier.

When my daughter was entering the 2nd grade at our local public school, we were all enthusiastic about the coming year. She loved school, loved learning, loved everything about it. But just a few short weeks into the school year things we drastically different. She cried all the time, she hated going to school, she started struggling with school work, and every day she complained that her tummy hurt and she was too sick to go to school. We were confused. What had happened to our little girl?

It quickly became apparent that while there were multiple issues going on that I won’t go into here except to say there were some technical difficulties and an adjustment period that needed to happen. Still, there was one particular issue that emerged as being critical: she didn’t like her teacher. Believing we need to encourage her to work with people, even ones she didn’t like, The Piano Man and I tried to help her navigate this relationship. This proved to be more challenging than we expected because, as it turned out, we didn’t like her either. She simply wasn’t the kind of person we thought would be teaching second grade. Or teaching at all. Grough, grumpy, rarely smiled, she came across as cold and distant. Suddenly, challenges our daughter had previously felt empowered to tackle loomed as impossible mountains. Intimidated by the one she thought was there to guide and support her in facing these challenges, she withdrew and began to give up.

We tried to work with the school and the teacher but in a short amount of time we felt we needed to explore other options and ended up transferring schools. It was that, or risk killing our daughter’s love for learning and that simply wasn’t something we were willing to sacrifice.

When we visited the new school Earth Baby was nervous about meeting the 2nd grade teacher. Gripping my hand she whispered “I don’t like 2nd grade teachers, they are mean.” I was surprised she had already jumped to a conclusion about a group of people based on her experience with just one of that group. Given that she was 7 at the time, I probably shouldn’t have been surprised at such an immature response but I felt that we had worked hard to help our children understand how individuals can be so different. Encouraging her to remember that Miss B. would be a person first, a 2nd grade teacher second, we met with the teacher. Gentle, kind, friendly, and very warm, Miss B. proved to be the opposite of the previous 2nd grade teacher and Earth Baby ended up flourishing in her class. Inspired with hope and confidence, Earth Baby made a lifelong friend in her teacher (and is seeing her this summer) and not only met but surpassed her goals for the year with an enflamed love of learning. Interestingly enough, now she will talk about how wonderful 2nd grade teachers are and being a teacher is in her top 5 career options.

Why am I sharing this story on a breastfeeding site? Moms often come to TLB looking for breastfeeding support. The support they are looking for is usually just about what is normal in breastfeeding journeys, the mom-to-mom support of experience and camaraderie. Sometimes it’s for issues that are outside of normal and require more expertise support and help. It isn’t uncommon for a Leaky and/or one of the admin to recommend seeing an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) for experienced and trained support. These experts are usually the most equipped to help moms with true lactation problems having gone through intense training and having to comply to regular board standards in their continuing education and certification. Just as often, someone then shares their negative experience with an IBCLC. Frustrated and hurt, these women sometimes share that an IBCLC almost ruined their breastfeeding relationship with misinformation, intimidating and overwhelming directions, and sometimes down right bullying.

From these comments it sometimes sounds as though they fear all IBCLCs will be just like the negative experience they had. Hurt and discouraged by the one or two individuals they encountered in the profession, they are unsure they can trust anyone with the title and position. Like my daughter felt unsure about 2nd grade teachers, these moms are skeptical of the entire IBCLC profession, not because they don’t know that they are all different people but because they may believe that what they didn’t like is actually expected to be a part of the profession. As if the consultants are trained to support that way. Just as with any profession, there are individuals within the lactation consultant profession that are rude, unsupportive, not helpful, judgmental, dismissive, and misinformed. Thankfully, most I’ve met go into supporting breastfeeding moms because they genuinely care and want to help moms reach their breastfeeding goals. The IBCLCs I’ve interacted with understand the vulnerable nature of that time in a mother’s life and the importance of providing the right kind of support. Most IBCLCs aren’t in the profession to push an agenda or tell moms what to do, they genuinely seek to provide legitimate support unique to each mothers’ needs. Sure, I’ve met a few that seemed burned out and dogmatic just like my daughter’s first second grade teacher, but just like most 2nd grade teachers actually enjoy children and teaching, so most IBCLCs aim to provide sincere information and assistance. I encourage moms that need lactation support to move on from someone that isn’t supportive to find someone that’s a better fit. It’s that, or risk not reaching your breastfeeding goals and that simply isn’t something we should be willing to sacrifice without a fight.

I am aware that for many, a second choice, let alone a third or fourth, isn’t readily available. Financial restrictions, local availability, and even cultural support from family and friends can make it difficult to find someone. Sometimes, shoot, maybe often, the support you need will find you in unexpected places such as the internet or a new friend. Moms may have to try other paths for lactation support such as virtual appointments via the web or attending a local breastfeeding support group or even reading articles online. Whatever it takes, pushing on to find the support you need may be work but you and your baby are worth it.

You don’t have to be stuck with a professional providing inadequate support. In the end, you are the biggest advocate for you and your child and if advocating for you both means moving on to find the assistance you need, you won’t regret doing so. As Leaky and IBCLC Jackie Rauch shared:

I will sometimes tell my clients the story of me seeking her out just to let them know that even the people with the knowledge need to seek out help from people with the knowledge. If you are not getting the help you need, keep looking!

You never know, you may find the one that helps you turn it all around and inspires you with hope and confidence.

Need a lactation consultant? This site can help you find one.

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What about you? What has your experience with an IBCLC or other lactation professional been like? Did you have to find someone else for better support at some point? Did an IBCLC or other lactation professional help you in your breastfeeding journey? Check out the conversation we’re having on this very topic over on The Leaky B@@b Facebook page.

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Filed Under: Article, baby, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding support, Facebook, Featured, Jessica Tagged With: advocating for yourself, boba, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding health care, Breastfeeding support, IBCLC, ILCA, Lactation Consultant, professional support, support

The surprising barrier women encounter to getting breastfeeding help- breastfeeding advocates

by Jessica Martin-Weber

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How to explain breastfeeding to children of all ages

Six myths about breastfeeding toddlers and preschoolers

For the Love of All Things Holy…

Iola Kostrzewski on Black Breastfeeding Week

Peer Support and a history of World Breastfeeding Week- Celebrate WBW 2013

this post made possible by the generous sponsorship of Fairhaven Health.

Eighteen ways to support your breastfeeding partner and a Beco Soleil giveaway

This post made possible by the generous support of Beco Baby Carrier.

IBCLCs, Negative Experiences, and Self-Advocacy

This post made possible in part by the generous support of Boba, makers of the Boba Baby Carrier.

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by Jessica Martin-Weber

by Jessica Martin-Weber

this post made possible by the generous sponsorship of Fairhaven Health.

This post made possible by the generous support of Beco Baby Carrier.

This post made possible in part by the generous support of Boba, makers of the Boba Baby Carrier.

Support The Leaky Boob

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