Breastfeeding In Public | The Leaky B@@b

Changing for the breast? A 14 year old shares her views on breasts, breastfeeding, sex appeal, and society.

April 3, 2013 By theleakyb@@b 37 Comments

by Ophélia Martin-Weber

Photo credit Dorothea Lange, 1936 Library of Congress, American Memory

I wonder when people started treating boobs as objects used just for sex. A long time ago did people respect moms and their breasts feeding hungry babies? Even though they didn’t see women as equal did they know that breastfeeding was the healthiest, easiest, and natural source of nutrients to feed the baby and nothing to shun? There was a time when women didn’t have the right to vote but could freely pull out their breast and feed their baby and today it seems like we have flipped those. In some ways we have come so far in how women are treated and viewed in society but in other ways women, particularly mothers, are dismissed as their real value being only in their appeal to the opposite sex. I wonder if we’ve lost something. Then I wonder what that means for me and I’m only 14 years old.

When I was younger I didn’t know breasts had amazing powers to produce milk even though my mom breastfed my sisters and me. All that I knew was that I had little boobies and I couldn’t wait for the day when my nipples would transform into breasts. I don’t remember when the fact that mature breasts can give milk really stuck in my head but when it did I thought humans were related to cows. Sure, humans and cows are both mammals but when I was a kid I thought maybe women actually were cows. Today I know that’s not true and I also understand there is a lot of attention given to the sexiness of the female breast and that makes me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because now that I have breasts I find myself wanting smaller breasts in part because of dance but also because I know that bigger breasts are supposed draw attention from guys, are seen as more sexy, and could decide how I am treated by others. Part of me feels that if I want to be liked I have to have big breasts. I want guys to notice me but I don’t want guys to notice me (yes, I know this is a contradiction) and I really don’t want them to think I’m just here to have sex with. I’m just not ready for that and don’t know if I ever will be. To me, I’m so much more than my sex appeal. So I’m careful about what I wear, I don’t want communicate that I want attention based on sex but that frustrates me too. The clothes I like the best are more form fitting but if I wear yoga pants that fit my butt well will it be communicating that I want the wrong kind of attention? Or in a leotard are my breasts speaking louder than my mind or my art? I hope not. I want to matter to others for more than just my body. As a dancer, I work with my body a lot and I work hard to make it strong and healthy but not for attention. That work is to help me tell stories, to use my body as an artist and an athlete. Struggling with my body every day is part of my lot as a dancer and I have a love hate relationship with it and I’m ok with that. What I don’t want is to question my natural biology simply because of how others say it should be. Sometimes it feels as though society wants to punish those with female body parts yet tell us we’re equal without having to act like we really are. I don’t get it, I understand that breasts are considered sex things but they don’t seem any more “sexy” than most of the other parts of my body such as my lips, my arms, my shoulders, my legs. Men may find them sexy (is it that way in every culture or just ours?) but they aren’t sexy to me, they feed babies.

The author, Ophélia Martin-Weber

Looking back to what my childish mind was thinking and comparing it to some people’s opinions about moms openly breastfeeding in public, I wonder if they too see breastfeeding moms as cows? Do breastfeeding mothers need to be fenced and herded together, separate from everyone else? I know there are people that think about moms that way but not everyone does. A lot of my adult friends have different opinions about breastfeeding but they don’t think poorly about my mom and they don’t ask her to cover when she’s feeding my little sister. It doesn’t bother them that part of my mom’s breast is visible. Pictures of beautiful and sexy women show off breasts at least as much as a mom’s breast is seen when she is breastfeeding. In our culture, what is the most sexy part about women’s breasts? The breast that is popping out of a too small shirt or the covered nipple? Why? If it’s the nipple, why is it such a big deal about breastfeeding in public if the baby is hiding the nipple? Understandable because of the messages we get from certain parts of society, they might think it is sexual because a person’s mouth, even if it is a baby is on a woman’s breast but they need to get a grip and review their history lessons. And also learn how breastfeeding works.

And why is it ok for men to show off their mammary glands but women can’t? Why aren’t women “allowed” to expose their chest as much as men can? Why is it considered indecent for me to be topless by my neighbor across the street can walk around just in his shorts and nobody has a problem with it? How is that equal? How is that not discrimination? Stop telling me I can be equal to my male counterparts but then tell me I have to hide my body more as if there is something wrong with me.

I’m not sure I even want to have babies but if I do I will breastfeed them though I have to admit the idea of breastfeeding in public scares me because I know how people think of breasts, women, and moms. That kind of attention isn’t what I want for myself. I don’t know what I will do though because I know too much about breastfeeding to not breastfeed and I don’t think I’d want to just stay home all the time. How sad is it that anyone would be afraid to feed their baby in public? I’m a little disappointed in myself for feeling this way, I mean, my mom is The Leaky Boob, I feel like she’s the queen of breastfeeding. But that’s where I am right now. Fortunately, I have a long time to figure that out and I know I have a family that will support me along the way.

If all this obsession with female breasts didn’t actually happen, what would life be like? If we could change the attitudes against breastfeeding would we actually change attitudes about women? I hope we can learn from our mistakes.

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What do you think?

Do you feel attitudes about breastfeeding are related in any way to our attitudes about women in general?

How did you think about breasts, breastfeeding, and your own body when you were a teen?

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Completely unrelated to this post, this video shares the author’s story of dance and her dance aspirations.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycG-NW1UGno

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Ophélia Martin-Weber is 14 years old, the eldest of six girls. Ophélia is in 8th grade, homeschooled, and is passionate about dance. A few years ago Ophélia wrote for The Leaky Boob, sharing her views as an 11 year old on breastfeeding and Jessica recently shared a proud mama moment about Ophélia. You can see some of Ophélia’s dancing and hear her share her dance story and dreams in this video.

Filed Under: body image, Boobs, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, Breastfeeding in public, breasts, Children and breastfeeding, covering, family, Featured, guest posts, Parenting Tagged With: body image, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding and culture, breastfeeding in public, culture, dance and body image, equality, feminism, teens, teens and body image

Fear and Breastfeeding in Las Vegas

January 14, 2013 By theleakyb@@b

Since starting The Leaky Boob 2.5 years ago I have said and photographed things I would never have imagined doing before. I’ve said things such as “breastfeeding is not about sex, it’s about feeding a baby.” Nothing like stating the obvious. Most recently was texting my husband “do you know where that nudie card is I brought back from Vegas? I need it.” Yep, I brought a nudie card home from Vegas.

Say “Las Vegas” and most of us conjure up images of slot machines, black jack tables, show girls, stripers, booze, and buffets with obscene quantities of food. Sex and money seem to flow freely. Clothing requirements are little more than sequins, triangles, stars, and stilettos for women, the range is a little more diverse for men.

Say “mommy conference” and you probably picture babies in strollers or carriers, baby toys, tennis shoes, snack cups, and a chatty group of women. Breastmilk and cheerios seem to flow freely. Clothing requirements range from diapers and onesies or soft outfits in bright colors for the smaller ones in the crowd and something comfortable covered in spit up for the adults.

Say “mommy conference in Las Vegas” and you might get a little confused.

However, as much as it may seem like a collision of 2 very different worlds, the MommyCon conference in Las Vegas hosted at the Flamingo Hotel and Casino was anything but confused. It was fun, vibrant, and sometimes a little comical (I doubt Vegas has ever seen so many babies in carriers going through their casinos). The Flamingo Hotel did a great job securing extra cribs for the influx of young guests and the conference area hosted workshops like dancing with your baby and it didn’t even involve a pole. While there was room for improvement, the host hotel handled the influx of moms and dads with babies and young children well and the juxtaposition wasn’t as weird as I anticipated. I was thrilled to be there as a speaker and enjoyed my first ever trip to Las Vegas. It seemed appropriate that I was in Vegas speaking about Sex, Lies, Parenting, and the Rest. I had a great time with my fellow speakers and meeting the attendees of the event.

I have breastfed 6 children now, in all different settings, sometimes covered and sometimes not. Over time, however, I stopped covering completely thanks to babies that fought the cover, me realizing that I don’t show much when I feed my baby, and eventually a belief that covering was actually hindering breastfeeding for some women either because they didn’t see others doing it or because they couldn’t navigate breastfeeding in public with a cover. In all my breastfeeding in public experience, I have never, not once, been asked to cover or leave. There have been times I thought I received disapproving looks or was shunned for feeding but I’ve never experienced any kind of real negativity about my feeding my baby. Actually, I’ve experienced several positive and affirming exchanges as I fed my babies in public, more people expressing support than disapproval. Today I’m experienced and confident when I feed my babies, well practiced and well informed about my baby’s right to eat. Even now though, when I need to feed my baby in a public setting I will have a moment of anticipatory nervousness as though I expect something to happen.

Feeding Sugarbaby at the Tropical Breezes cafe at the Flamingo in Las Vegas

Except in Vegas at a mommy conference that highlighted breastfeeding and where I was speaking because I created “The Leaky Boob.” It didn’t even occur to me that someone could have a problem with me breastfeeding there, of all places.

Following my first talk in the morning of Friday, January 4, 2013, I met up with my friend, Sue, who was helping take care of my 8 month old daughter, who I call Sugarbaby, while I spoke. We decided to have lunch in the Flamingo’s Tropical Breeze Cafe so I could feed my baby and myself before speaking at another session after the break. Wearing a simple button up shirt and a Rumina Nursingwear tank with Bamboobies breastpads (I may be The Leaky Boob but I didn’t want to leak during my talks), I fed my hungry baby shortly after we were seated while we skimmed the menu. She was hungry and had missed me so she got down to business pretty quickly and stayed focused. Our server brought us our drinks and a random cup of coffee neither of us ordered and took our food order. As we sat joking about the random cup of coffee and waiting for our food (I think he thought I looked like I could use some caffeine), a lovely woman in a suit approached us. She smiled and asked us how we were then very politely requested that I use a cover, nodding in the general direction of my baby at my breast.

People, I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I laughed and asked her to repeat herself.

After confirming that she was indeed asking me to cover while I fed my baby I returned her smile, barely suppressed my laughter, and informed her of my legal right to breastfeed my baby anywhere my baby and I have the right to be, covered or not. (Do you know the laws where you are? This helpful resource compiled by You Can Breastfeed Here is a great place to start to find out.) Her smile waining ever so slightly and her eyes widening ever so noticeably, she gently, though firmly, informed me that I could do whatever I wanted to do but that if I covered I would be making others feel more comfortable as there had been four tables that complained about what I was doing.

I laughed again. Harder. “They do know they are in Vegas, right?” I asked her through my laughter. Because this is what is on the sidewalks and shoved into the hands of those walking on the strip:

She looked around and I kept looking at her, still chuckling at the irony of this situation. She knows that just before walking into her cafe I walked past a platform where that very evening, like every night, a woman exposing far more than I was while feeding my baby, dances with moves intending to sexually entice. She knows that the sidewalks in front of the hotel are littered with photo cards of naked women with tiny stars on their nipples. She knows that this very hotel advertises a burlesque show featuring breasts (bare), butts, and spread eagle moves on a video that loops endlessly in each guest elevator. She knows that the very people that complained have seen all that and probably more in the 10 minutes before they sat at their table. I know she was just trying to do her job. I know she had no idea that there was actually a law stating I had the right to breastfeed anywhere my baby and I were legally permitted to be. I know that in her line of work making the customer happy is a delicate balance when one customer may be making another uncomfortable. I know that in that moment she was wishing I had never walked into her cafe. I wondered if news coverage of irate breastfeeding moms flashed through her mind.

When she looked back at me I felt sorry for her. She was probably a mom, I don’t know, but she wasn’t trying to make my life hard, nor was I trying to complicate her job. In her mind it was simple, I could cover. In my mind it was simple as well, putting the comfort of others over my child’s right to eat without a blanket on her head just wasn’t ok. Her smile gone but her face still pleasant she stated again that I could do what I want but it would really help if I covered. I thanked her and kindly told her that I would continue feeding my baby as I was.

Note that she didn’t yell at me, she never touched my baby or me, she did not call me names, she did not go over to the tables that complained and loudly inform them that I wouldn’t comply, she didn’t ask me to leave, and she didn’t threaten me in any way.

My friend and I laughed once she walked away, we could hardly talk as we shook with laughter. Jamie Greyson, TheBabyGuyNYC, joined us for lunch and we all talked about what had just happened. This was a big deal but I didn’t want to do much about it before giving the hotel and casino the opportunity to make things right. As I had another session coming up there wasn’t much I could do in the moment but finish feeding my daughter, eat my lunch, and tweet about the irony of the situation. Jamie and I both shared the story on Twitter, tagged Flamingo, ordered our food, and discussed the entire situation over our meal before heading to my next session. We all agreed that how I was feeding Sugarbaby at the moment showed far less than the poster outside the cafe and the cards handed out on the Vegas streets.

Poster outside cafe, me feeding Sugarbaby inside cafe.

Here’s where it gets most interesting. In the 2.5 years I’ve been running The Leaky Boob I have watched how companies handle such fumbles when they receive public scrutiny for harassing a breastfeeding mothers and precious few navigate the rocky terrain well. That very weekend Hollister Co was facing a national nurse-in protesting their handling of one of their store managers humiliating a Houston woman for breastfeeding in their Galleria store. Over a week later and the company still hasn’t responded adequately. I wasn’t sure what to expect from a Las Vegas hotel and casino but was pleasantly surprised to discover tweets from them responding not only to mine and Jamie’s tweets regarding the situation but individual responses to each of our followers that tweeted Flamingo about the situation as well. It wasn’t long before I had a direct exchange with Flamingo on Twitter, in direct message, over emails, and then a phone call. The representatives of the Flamingo asked if they could meet with me before I left and they publicly informed Twitter that they would be working with me to make it right.

My day was full of events and meetings so I was unavailable until Saturday, just before I had to leave. It would have been easy to brush me off on a Saturday but instead Scott Farber Director of Food Operations, met with me personally Saturday morning to apologize, let me know that he had a meeting with his staff on Friday and informed them of Nevada state law permitting a woman to breastfeed her child where ever she has the legal right to be, and instructing his staff that should customers complain about a woman breastfeeding again they would not address the mother but would work with the customers that complained. Kind and genuine, Scott laughed with me at the irony of being in Vegas and asked to cover. Scott offered to make it up to me with a free meal and more and was genuinely concerned about how I was after the experience. He shared that Estella, the manager, was horrified that she had misstepped in saying anything to me and he extended her apology as well as I didn’t have time to meet with her. We discussed how the Flamingo could better welcome families and some changes that could be made to do so well. The possibility of me returning to train their staff and sister hotels to consult with them on how to be set apart in Las Vegas as a family friendly destination came up. These weren’t the actions of a company that wanted to embarrass their customer families, these were the actions of a company that cared to stand apart and understands the value of doing things right.

Yes, the cafe manager should have been aware of the law prior to asking me to cover but it isn’t a well-known law and probably not something they would have even anticipated needing to know. Now that they are aware, however, they are responding and preparing to not make the same mistake again. Instead of ignoring or responding heatedly to the situation, the Flamingo has become a model for other companies that find themselves in what could be a PR disaster. A company that will receive my repeat business because of how well they handled their mistake.

The problem is a simple fix for the historic Las Vegas hotel and casino and they are well on their way to making it right. The experience reflects more on society as a whole though. That the most scandalous sight for some Las Vegas visitors was a baby eating is a little mind boggling. Thankfully, I’m not easily intimidated, am informed on the law, am more than happy to help educate, and in the end I’m glad this experience happened to me because I believe through it The Leaky Boob and the Flamingo hotel and casino can work together to better support breastfeeding moms be they in Las Vegas or on the other side of the world. If it happened to someone else it could have greatly damaged their breastfeeding relationship or intimidated them to not risk leaving their home setting them up for postpartum depression and extreme isolation. Hopefully, by raising awareness others can become informed of the laws and their right to feed their baby and more companies will work to educate their employees on how to better support breastfeeding mothers and more and more mothers won’t have to be afraid to breastfeed their babies in Vegas or anywhere else.

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The Flamingo Hotel and Casino has asked me for tips and suggestions as to how their staff could handle breastfeeding situations in the future in a way that would be supportive and informed.

What would be your suggestions?

What tips would you give the employees that may encounter a breastfeeding pair and possible complaints from other guests?

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Filed Under: Boobs, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, Breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding stories, breasts, covering, Featured, Jessica, motherhood, nursing Tagged With: asked to cover while breastfeeding in public, baby feeding, breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding in Vegas, Flamingo Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas and family, MommyCon

Toe Cleavage

October 12, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, Featured Tagged With: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, toe cleavage

Feeding babies, breasts, planes, cameras, and discrimination

October 12, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

Forget having it all, breastfeeding activists want it both ways on a plane. Which sounds dirty. Surprisingly though, it’s just about feeding a baby and not having their pictures taken.

Anyone else surprised this is an issue? Anyone else think this really isn’t about breastfeeding?

This weekend I will be flying with Sugarbaby, a total of 4 flights to get where I’m going and return home. According to Christopher Elliott and people he talked to that are afraid of a nurse-in happening if they share their name, if I breastfeed my baby on a plane without a cover, I can’t complain if someone snaps a picture of my exposed breast.

Does this happen frequently? Because I’ve flown and breastfed my babies many times and have never experienced someone wiping out their cell phone to snap a picture of my exposed breast and tweet it to the world or post to a breastfeeding fetish site. At least, I’m not aware of this happening anyway. It just seems so immature and ridiculous.

Let’s say it does happen, just for the sake of discussion. Personally, it wouldn’t really phase me. Except for the part of a stranger taking pictures of my child and me without my permission. It’s not the breastfeeding part or the maybe catch a glimpse of my breast part that I would have an issue with. No, it’s the lack of human decency that I’d have an issue with. The taking a photo of my child and me without permission that would bother me. It wouldn’t matter what we were doing, I would never be ok with someone taking a photo of my child if I haven’t expressly given my permission. Plus, it’s creepy.

Let me be clear, this has nothing to do with breastfeeding. Or breastfeeding pictures.

It’s not illegal to take pictures of people out in public, so that’s really not the issue, even if it is creepy. It’s more the attitude that’s concerning here. Change the circumstances. A woman giving her child a bottle and some random person pulling out their camera. Pretty sure that mom would be just as uncomfortable as the breastfeeding mom. Or the woman with a pedicure in a pair of sandals and a man she doesn’t know starts zooming in with his phone. Bet she would be uncomfortable, maybe even kick him. How about the guy that looks like Santa Claus sitting in Starbucks a few tables from me right now? Surely he wouldn’t mind if I started taking pictures, after all he went out in public with his snowy beard, apple cheeks, and evidence of significant cookie consumption. It’s like the guy is asking for it. The man at the beach with man boobs? Might he have an issue with a teen girl snapping pictures and posting online for everyone to laugh at him? How about a girl wearing a skirt and that guy sneaking to take pictures up her skirt with cameras on the toes of his shoes? He was arrested, actually. Or that baby hanging out in their car seat while their mom has coffee, surely he’s fair game for me to snap a few photos of and share on the internet. What about the woman with the cane? The child in a wheel chair? A black man in a suit? An interracial couple? I mean, really, can anyone go out in public and do anything and expect not to have their pictures taken without their permission from total strangers? Can they really have it both ways? The law doesn’t protect them from having their pictures taken without their permission, we’re all fair game to random stranger’s picture snapping so if someone thinks you’re strange, gross, or an opportunity for their sexual fantasies, then can you really have it both ways? Another way of putting it would be “can you really leave the house?” Or get on a plane.

Taking photos of individuals without their permission is rude. Sites like peopleofwalmart.com are based on this behavior, taking photos of individuals without their permission for the sake of our personal gratification. Be it a gross fascination, to mock them, or a sexual fetish, regardless, it is rude and self-serving.

In fact, it’s far more reprehensible than feeding a baby. Because that’s all it is feeding. It is not a sex act, not human waste, it’s not gross or strange, and breasts are not genitals. It is a child eating. Saying the mother was asking for someone to leer or photograph her feeding her child and blaming her for their inappropriate behavior is backwards.

This kind of attitude where condoning inappropriate behavior because of what someone else is doing is toxic. It’s this line of thinking that leads to blaming victims of sexual assault for being attacked by questioning what they were wearing, where they were, or that with their clothing they were “asking for it.” Or claiming that wearing a hoodie is cause for shooting someone.

Before I get jumped all over that it could all be avoided if breastfeeding moms would just cover/pump/feed bottles/go to the bathroom to nurse, what would you say to the others that don’t want their pictures taken without their permission? The woman with the pedicure in sandals should wear boots? The mom bottle-feeding should turn to the wall? The Santa Claus in plain clothes should shave his beard? The child in the wheelchair should work harder at walking? The interracial couple should stay home?

None of those would be accepted, we would call all of that discrimination and rightly so.

This has nothing to do with breastfeeding.

It has to do with respect. Decency. Human rights.

Speaking of respect, someone is bound to mention that it’s not that hard for a breastfeeding mother to cover (someone that has never had a baby fight being under a cover) out of respect for those that don’t want to see that. I bet there are other things you don’t want to see that you would never ask someone to cover because, again, that would be discrimination at worst, rude at best. But surely these moms can respect that not everyone is comfortable seeing the female breast. If she weren’t so selfish about her rights she would consider the rights of others, right? I have to ask, why would any mother ever be expected to consider the rights of complete strangers over her child’s right and need to eat and find comfort? My baby just wants to eat.

I will be feeding my baby on the plane this week. Someone may take a picture of me doing so. Probably me. I can’t really prevent anyone else from doing so even without my permission but I’m not going to let that intimidate me from changing how I meet my daughter’s needs. Some day breastfeeding won’t be considered a freak show where strangers pull out their cameras at the sight. I have glimpses of hope that we’re headed in that direction, like this unexpected article by Tyler Brown at The Collegian reflecting, as a male college student, on the uproar surrounding a professor breastfeeding her baby as she gave a lecture to her “Sex, Gender and Culture” class.

How can we be OK with breasts on display all around us, encouraging us to consume more crap, and yet when a single mother in a tight spot needs to feed her child, people throw hissy fits? I can’t help but hear an uber-male bro voice saying, “Yeah, but she wasn’t using them for what I want her to, and that’s not cool.”

Guess what folks, we’re mammals. And that means, along with hair and a myriad of other distinguishing features, mammary glands. That’s how Pine, along with other mothers, feed their children, believe it or not.

See the entire article, it’s well worth the read.

Can breastfeeding advocates have it both ways? Can we ask society that we stop just giving lip service to breastfeeding as “best” and stop discriminating against breastfeeding mothers? For the sake of our children, let’s hope so. There will come a time when the discrimination against breastfeeding mothers will end and mature responses to a woman feeding her child will just be expected. Such as not pulling out your camera to take a picture. Until then, I will continue to both feed my children and talk about how the rest of the world needs to get over it as necessary. Some day, the mature perspective of this young, heterosexual male college student will prevail. I hope.

If you’re planning on flying with your child that breastfeeds, you may find the tips from Annie at PhD in Parenting helpful.

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Have you flown with a breastfeeding baby? What was your experience? Have you ever had someone take a picture of you breastfeeding without your permission

Filed Under: Breastfeeding and society, Breastfeeding in public, Featured, Jessica Tagged With: airlines and breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding on a plane, breastfeeding pictures, camera, planes

I can’t wait to stop writing about breastfeeding in public

January 4, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

Some day I won’t write another thing about breastfeeding in public. Because I won’t have to. Eventually, some day, everyone will have grown weary of the debate and realize just how silly it is. Mothers feeding their babies will be left alone, in peace to care for their children by meeting their needs for food and comfort. In time the fact that message boards and news broadcasts filled up with comments arguing about the “appropriateness” of feeding babies in public will seem ridiculous and celebrities that dissed women that breastfeed in public will be dismissed as ignorant and intolerant. In a lesser but similar way that we feel looking back at other civil justice issues and wonder how in the world anyone could ever have had any question about where people sit on a bus or what water fountains they drink from, breastfeeding in public debates will be an embarrassing mark on our social history. As a society we won’t bat a collective eyelash at a woman breastfeeding in public whether she’s using a cover or not. The idea that a women is permitted or not permitted to feed her child in public will seem as archaic as women not being permitted to vote. There won’t be polls posted on news affiliate sites and Facebook pages won’t explode with heated arguments that resort to name calling to prove one’s point about how inappropriate/appropriate it is to breastfeed in public. Instead, it will just be normal and nobody will even care any more and maybe they’ll take up some more important issue to pour their passionate energy into. Some day. Apparently, not today.

Please don’t tell me it could all be avoided if women just had some “decency” and used a cover or went some place private. That’s not the issue nor is it the solution, women should not be ostracized from society for feeding their babies and covering is a personal choice much like clothing choices. Not that it helps, plenty of women are harassed for breastfeeding even when they choose to cover.

The comments in those online threads often quickly turn to comparing breastfeeding to some other bodily function that people find disgusting and “nobody wants to see.” Comments like: ”If breastfeeding in public is acceptable then I should be able to just piss anywhere I need to!” ”That’s disgusting, why can’t they just pump and use a bottle? I don’t want to see someone getting a blow job while I’m shopping and I don’t want to see breastfeeding.” ”We go to the bathroom to take a dump and don’t just crap on the sidewalk, women can go to the bathroom to pull out their boob, we don’t have to see it.” ”If a woman can just whip out her boob and stick it in a baby’s mouth, I should be able to just whip out my dick and jerk off.” And more, so many more. I usually roll my eyes and move on dismissing the writer as someone that doesn’t understand some very basic and crucial differences that flaw their comparison rendering it completely invalid and not worth my time. Moving on is also to keep me from commenting “well, when you’re ready to prepare a bottle of piss or serve up some human shit in a beautiful dish for your dinner guests and when grocery store shelves are stocked with products claiming to be ‘as good as human urine/feces’ then I might hear your point.” But then it happened in real life and I couldn’t bite my tongue and roll my eyes in time to not decidedly educate the poor individual that would dare to compare breastfeeding in public to taking a dump in public in my presence. As it turns out, maybe people really are confused on some of these basic differences. I decided to see what a larger sample size thought of the issue and how breastfeeding in public compared to these body functions commonly argued as being equally as disgusting (their words, not mine) as breastfeeding in public. To gather some admittedly biased information considering my poll group consists of fans of The Leaky Boob (and some got very confused that I’d even ask such a question, a few were a bit upset, they didn’t expect to see that kind of question there and I can’t blame them) I asked the followers of TLB FB, Jessica The Leaky Boob Facebook page, and my own personal friends to vote which was the most disgusting: urinating in public, defecating in public, sex in public, blow job/masturbation in public, and breastfeeding in public. The results:

In case you’re wondering, breastfeeding didn’t make it on the graph. Nobody in our unscientific and poorly constructed poll voted for breastfeeding as being the most disgusting option of the 5. But since not everyone followed the directions (to only pick one that was most disgusting) we ended up with another pie chart illustrating how many of those polled think urinating in public, defecating in public, sex in public, and blow job/masturbation in public is more disgusting than breastfeeding in public.

While it could be argued that this sample is biased and not indicative of the general population given that they were drawn from a breastfeeding support community, I still would argue that they all make a good point that even those not in favor of breastfeeding would find valid. However, in case some have yet to understand how it could possibly be that breastfeeding in public is considered less gross than defecating, urinating, masturbating, oral sex, or intercourse in public I created two tables and some notes in order to help clarify. You can find those here. It would make me very happy if you went and checked those out, I actually made myself sick doing the research for those puppies. Reading that much about poop while pregnant and dealing with HG is asking for trouble.

Some day my dream will be a reality and I will stop writing about breastfeeding in public. Nurse-ins will be a thing of the past and idiotic celebrities won’t be concerned about the PR nightmare they create for themselves simply because we’ll have all moved on and they won’t be saying stupid comments about breastfeeding in public. Kasey Kahne and Kim Kardashian (what’s with the Ks?) will be cited as examples of ignorance regarding breastfeeding and society’s attempts to control and shame women for their bodies and mothering for future generations. For now though, I’ll keep talking about it even though I’m tired of saying the same things and I’ll be grateful for moments of sanity in rational mainstream media articles like this. But to keep it interesting I’m going to have to start making fun of the people ignorant enough to be serious about certain comparisons. I just can’t help it, when someone confuses urine or feces for breastmilk or thinks there’s something similar with breastfeeding and masturbating in public, I have to laugh at the absurdity or I’ll go crazy.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, Breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding support, covering, Featured, Jessica, NIP, poop Tagged With: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding culture, breastfeeding in public, Breastfeeding news, debate, NIP, nursing in public

Exploring the “body fluids” debate about breastfeeding in public

January 4, 2012 By theleakyb@@b

As a culture we give so much lip service to breastfeeding being “best,” “natural,” etcetera but the reality is that is still not the cultural norm. Sure, women are judged for not breastfeeding all the time but our culture isn’t actually supporting breastfeeding beyond using it as fodder for flaming mommy wars. This reality is never more tangible than when a breastfeeding mother gets asked to move, leave, or otherwise change how she’s breastfeeding her child in a public setting. When the media takes up the story before you know it further proof that understanding and support of breastfeeding is lacking culturally exhibits itself boldly with comparisons of bodily functions or sex acts done in public to breastfeeding in public. Their point being that breastfeeding in public is just as unacceptable in our culture (according to that individual anyway) as any of those other acts.

Right, because feeding your baby and pooping/peeing or any sex act are so alike.

While it may seem obvious to most that there isn’t really any social, cultural, or medical similarities between breastfeeding and defecating in public, urinating in public, masturbation or oral sex in public, or even sex in public, some individuals insist on drawing the comparison. A lot, actually. Why? I’m not sure but my best guess is shock value, as though they can prove their argument against breastfeeding in public merely by shocking people into silence.

I conducted a highly unscientific poll as to what people actually thought was more disgusting and shared the results here. It’s very biased, seeing as the participants polled were all from either The Leaky Boob Facebook page, Jessica The Leaky Boob Facebook page, or my own personal Facebook page. Still, the results are demonstrated in 2 fun little graphs.

But my site is called “The Leaky Boob,” I’m not exactly the type to be shocked or silenced. Just ask Facebook. Recently media attention on a variety of breastfeeding related stories (Target nurse-in, Kasey Kahne, etc.) seemed to have brought a rise of individuals that actually believe this is a valid argument. I decided I needed to see if they had a point.

I talked with a pediatrician friend of mine and learned that the only special handling instructions they were given about breastmilk when she was doing rotations in the NICU was to ensure the milk was not contaminated before it was fed to the fragile neonates in their care. It was considered a food and was treated as such, not as waste nor a biohazard. An RN friend echoed these same experiences. Hmmmmm, doesn’t sound like they thought of breastmilk as potentially dangerous body fluid or waste that needed to be carefully disposed of for health safety reasons. Pretty major distinction there.

To help anyone still confused, anyone who may be thinking breastfeeding in public is like defecating in public, urinating in public, masturbation/oral sex in public, or sex in public, I’ve put together a couple of tables to break it down.

Breastfeeding:

Breastfeeding in public is legal and protected in the majority of the world. In the states there are laws in 45 states that expressly allow women breastfeeding in public or private areas. Twenty-eight states have specific clauses that exempt breastfeeding mothers from public indecency exposure laws.

Breastfeeding in public does not pose a public health threat. While breastmilk can carry HIV and hepatitis if the mother is infected, breastfeeding in public does not carry an increased risk of spread of the disease and the CDC even cites that a bottle of infected milk given on accident to the wrong baby is unlikely to lead to transmission of the disease in a healthy infant.

Breastfeeding a human infant is encouraged by recognized health organizations globally.

Breastfeeding in public is based on a mother responding to the need of her child for nourishment or comfort. A small infant or child’s hunger can not be postponed.

Breastfeeding is not a sex act, it is an act of nourishment and comfort for a child. A small portion of women may experience some level of sexual arousal by breastfeeding but that is secondary to the primary purpose of meeting her child’s nutritional and comfort needs and women are able to distinguish the difference.

Breastfeeding has been essential to the survival of the species for centuries and today is still the biologically normal way to feed a human infant. Further, public breastfeeding provides a model for future mother/baby dyads to be familiar with normal means of infant feeding, we learn by seeing.

Defecating in public:

In all 1st world countries public defecation is illegal.

Human feces is recognized as a very serious health hazard that can contaminate water and food sources.

With the exception of those with special needs, public elimination of feces is considered deviant.

*Yes- if the individual is unable to control their bowels due to physical or mental disabilities.

*No- if it is from a fully functioning healthy adult. The need can be postponed until a suitable toilet receptacle can be located.

Public defecation is a public health hazard and threatens the entire species including the young.

Urinating in public:

In all 1st world countries public urination without an acceptable receptacle is illegal.

Though sterile and not toxic in a healthy person, urine is known to carry pathogens and possible disease and can contaminate water and food sources as it is a human waste product.

In some cultures it is considered acceptable to urinate in public, while others have find it socially unacceptable. However, all public health organizations warn of the dangers related to urinating in public.

*Yes- if the individual is unable to control their bladder due to physical or mental disabilities.

* No- if it is from a fully functioning healthy adult. The need can be postponed until a suitable toilet receptacle can be located.

Public urination without proper sewage disposal is a potential public health hazard and as it is a human waste product threatens the entire species including the young.

Public masturbation/oral sex:

In all 1st world countries public masturbation and oral sex is illegal.

Semen and vaginal fluid can carry known pathogens though the spread would likely be contained, casual and unprotected sex is recognized in furthering the spread of disease.

Masturbation and oral sex are not acceptable public acts in most cultures and public display of them is consider sexual deviancy and is punishable by law.

*If it is from a fully functioning healthy adult, the need for sexual gratification can be postponed until a suitably private area is located.

Public masturbation and oral sex do not protect or care for the young of the species.

Public sex:

In all 1st world countries public sex is illegal.

Semen and vaginal fluid can carry known pathogens though the spread would likely be contained, casual and unprotected sex is recognized in furthering the spread of disease.

Sex is not considered an acceptable public act in most cultures and public display of sex is consider sexual deviancy and is punishable by law.

The need for sexual gratification can be postponed until a suitably private area is located.

While sex is necessary for the procreation of the species, public sex acts are not essential for caring or protecting the young of the species.

Our cultural preferences are often born out of deeply held beliefs whether they be religious, anecdotal, circumstantial, a belief about health and bodies, scientific, and more. A few examples come to mind: the belief that the world was flat, the story of the woman that cut the ends off the roast simply because her mother always did so it would fit in her pan, and the practice of blood letting to name a few. As our understanding grows we change our practices. There was a time when washing hands wasn’t standard practice in health care and today we know that basic hand washing reduces illness and the spread of disease. Culturally we accept hand washing because science has shown that the practice can save lives. I can’t help but hope that some day the science behind breastfeeding will open our culture to accepting, even welcoming it in public. Since there are these comparisons made I decided to look at breastmilk, human urine, human feces, vaginal fluid, and semen from more of a health perspective. I did as much research as I could before my pregnant pukey self had to stop reading simply to spare my stomach any more churning. As much as possible I included links where I found information. I wanted to look at a historical and anthropological perspective as well but you know, I had to draw the line somewhere and get to the other things I have to do.

My conclusion is that these comparisons are little more than culturally accepted beliefs rooted in gross misunderstandings of biology and ignorance of normal, healthy human infant feeding. That and a desire to control women by telling them what they can and can not do with their bodies and shaming them into believing there is something inappropriate with using their body to feed their child. These issues have nothing to do with whether or not a woman is covered to breastfeed, a personal choice nobody has the right to insist for another person. It’s time we as a culture trust women with their bodies and their children and leave our ignorant prejudices out of it.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding support, covering, Facebook, Featured, Jessica, poop Tagged With: body fluids, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, culture, NIP, nursing in public, Target nurse-in

Unsupportive Support- out in public

November 16, 2011 By theleakyb@@b

Dear family and friends of a breastfeeding mother, strangers that support breastfeeding too, I have more to share with you about ways you are possibly being unintentionally unsupportive in your efforts to help. What you may not realize is that offering unsupportive support is quite damaging and though I understand that you probably really are just trying to help it’s worth understanding how these efforts can actually cause more harm than good. This series of posts on unsupportive support is intended to help you be a better support person and strengthen your relationship with the mother you’re close to.

How not to support and how to avoid being unintentionally unsupportive- part 4.

Unsupportive support is…

Saying “You’re going to do THAT here? Wouldn’t you like some place more private?”

She’s probably too nice to point this out but I’ll go ahead: when people say this and other similar comments what it really communicates is that you think she’s doing something that is shameful and should be hidden or secret. It says more about what the speaker thinks of breasts, women, and the act of breastfeeding. What you’re telling her by saying that is that you are uncomfortable with breastfeeding. Which means you’re uncomfortable with her. Which is your problem, not hers. If she’s already started to breastfeed or is getting set up to do so then clearly she’s comfortable doing “THAT” there. Offering her some place private if she seems anxious or looks uncomfortable could be helpful but it’s probably best to just wait for her to ask because chances are strong that she’d seek it out on her own if that were the case. It’s not helping to offer another room for her to go to and be ostracized from everyone else and it’s just plain old disgusting to suggest the bathroom as an alternative. Do you know what people do in there? Moms can start breastfeeding in bathrooms when restaurants can meet health code and serve diners in the bathrooms. Unless you’re going to be the first to sign up to eat your dinner in the bathroom, don’t suggest it as a dinning place of choice for an infant. Since in the majority of the world her right to breastfeed wherever she is happens to be is legally protected what does it matter where she’s going to feed her baby? The needs and comfort of her baby are her first priority, the comfort of everyone else that has their own issues with how they view breastfeeding and the female body, not so much. Those individuals just have to deal. And grow up. And get over their selfish little selves that put their issues before a small child’s need to eat. In fact, the more women breastfeed as though it’s a normal part of life and parenting (because, you know, it IS a normal part of life and parenting), the more comfortable society will become and the more women will breastfeed. She’s actually doing the world a favor by breastfeeding wherever she is. To really support her look up the laws about breastfeeding in public in your/her area and be informed. It may take some practice but you’ll get more comfortable with it too. Just practice whispering to yourself “I’m the one with the problem, not her.” And start carrying “Thank you for breastfeeding in public” cards with you to hand out when you do see a woman breastfeeding in public (you’ll be shocked at how rare a sight that actually is) as penance.

Encouraging her to “plan ahead and just pump” to take a bottle or suggesting formula when going out so she doesn’t have to breastfeed in public.

Saying this just makes you look really uneducated about breastfeeding. And maybe you are but it’s also very rude. Don’t say it. It’s not always that simple plus, why should she? Because you are uncomfortable with her breastfeeding in public? Because others are uncomfortable with breastfeeding in public? Is there something wrong with breastfeeding in public? Is there something wrong with feeding a baby in public? Is there something wrong with taking a baby in public? No, there’s not anything wrong with any of those things and the law agrees with me. Not all breasts respond well to breast pumps and it’s far more complicated to “just pump” and take a bottle of breast milk than for her to lift her top and feed her baby perfectly mixed, perfectly heated, perfectly ready breast milk from the tap. If she wants to pump and take a bottle, I’m sure she is capable of deciding that for herself. By suggesting it without her seeking your advice you are undermining her feeding choices and suggesting she does yet more work in caring for her baby. Best not to say anything at all unless you are asked. Even then you should start with “aren’t you legally allowed to feed your baby anywhere you have the right to be?”

Along with the previous two acts, freaking out “oh my gosh! You need a blanket, here, let me help shield you from view while you cover up so nobody can see!”

It’s not always that dramatic. Sometimes it’s much more subtle like “You can breastfeed in public, I just want you to be covered.” Which really isn’t subtle at all. Perhaps most discouraging is when this comes from her partner. I can’t tell you the number of times women have expressed to me how hurt they are when their partner tells them this and how unsupported they feel. When it comes from someone else, a mom, a friend, a sister, etc., the message that comes with it is “I’m embarrassed, what if someone sees? I don’t like you doing this because breasts are for sex and people might get the wrong idea.” It wraps up the idea that women are responsible for when men think sexual thoughts about them, that the idea of a baby on a breast is possibly giving the mom sexual pleasure and should be “private,” and that there is something “gross” about breastfeeding and throws a blanket on all of it. Mostly though it communicates that the individual is ashamed of the mother breastfeeding. This attitude clearly puts what others might think before supporting the mother in breastfeeding. Coming from a partner it’s even more loaded, beyond what is already present. Jealousy and protective ownership are heavily implied. A conversation where both parties express their feelings and thoughts is warranted with both actively listening to the other and an agreement coming from that discussion. If a couple can agree on a way that makes them both comfortable with a mother breastfeeding in public after listening to each other, great. What’s not called for is the partner laying down some kind of law or giving her permission to breastfeed in public but with stipulations. If my husband tried to give me permission as to what I could do with my body I can assure you it would not go over well. It’s something a couple can come to together but it’s her body and her mothering the partner is trying to control with reactions like this. A woman’s breasts belong to her, she shares them with whom she likes. If she is more comfortable covered, fine, her choice, but insisting she hide is full of misplaced responsibility and concern that only adds stress. And making it an issue of modesty, a subjective social construct at best, is even more controlling by trying to add shame. I could point out that when she’s feeding a baby her bare breast is actually covered by the baby’s head, at least more than many bathing suits and tops. But that’s not actually the point. She is not responsible for what others think and the truth is nobody can control what people think anyway. No matter how covered and “protected” one may be, the individuals that would use others with their mind will do so regardless. Instead of being concerned about what they are thinking, ask yourself ”am I more concerned about what she needs or the issues of others?” Support her, worry about her comfort, and let others deal with their own issue without saddling her with the responsibility of taking care of them too.

If a woman wants to cover or go somewhere private to breastfeed, she can probably figure out how to do so, right?’

If she starts breastfeeding where she is, why assume that she needs a cover or to be encouraged to go some place private (like a bathroom? Yuck.) to breastfeed? I don’t see that as support, I see it as projecting one’s own discomfort as a way of offering support. Sure, they may think they are helping but it’s not really helpful. A better way would be to simply ask “can I get you anything?” and if she wants a blanket or a private room she can ask for one. But maybe that’s just me.

To really support her, have her back. Even if it makes you a little uncomfortable because you’re just not used to seeing breastfeeding as a normal part of life. If you can let go of the internal dialogue in your own head that buys into the objectification of women as sex objects you’ll be able to see her breastfeeding in public for exactly what it is: a woman feeding her child. It may take you time to get comfortable with it, that’s ok, bucking years of societal program is hard work. Just remember that she’s bucking it too and together you’ll bond over the experience if you let yourselves. Take a deep breath and decide that the adorable small person that is nourished and comforted by her breast has no clue why anyone would think there was anything wrong with them having their supper in public.

________________________________

How are you most comfortable breastfeeding in public?

Does it bother you to get negative reactions to you feeding your child?

What would you say to those that would give a mom a hard time about breastfeeding in public?

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, Breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding support, covering, dads, family, father, Featured, Jessica, motherhood, Parenting, Uncategorized Tagged With: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, Breastfeeding support, family

The Measure of Indecency

March 25, 2010 By theleakyb@@b

This post was originally posted here.

Hello! Up here! My eyes. You’ve been so busy staring elsewhere that you probably haven’t even noticed I have eyes let alone looked in them long enough to tell me what color they are. I admit, the color of my eyes can be hard to nail down, it really depends on what I’m wearing or the color of the frames on my glasses provided I’m wearing any. Glasses! I always wear socks with sneakers, I was talking about glasses. Ugh, why must you only see me for that? As though that’s all I’m good for. It’s not like they are new, they’ve been around as long as humans have and most everyone has them.

Excuse me, it bothers you when I walk? You do realize that the primary function of my ankles is to help me walk on my feet, don’t you? I see, seeing them used in a different way is gross. Uh-huh. Would you rather I just sit around with my feet up, my ankles hidden discretely beneath my pants or skirt until they are to be viewed and touched for pleasure? Hmmmm, this could complicate things, like my life. And caring for my children. So it makes other people uncomfortable to see a woman’s ankles when she’s chasing her children around, keeping them safe, providing them with the best opportunities and using her ankles as, oh, I don’t know, how they are intended to be used? I should be worried about offending other people? Interesting. I’m really far more concerned about doing the best I can for my children. Research shows that mothers that are able to should let their children run and be active and for that to happen best a mother needs her ankles to chase after them. Saving them only for her partner’s pleasure would get in the way of her children’s health! Oh, I can use them, you just want me to cover them up. With a blanket. Or one of those fashionable things made just for that.

Wow. That really makes it difficult not to mention, uncomfortable and likely dangerous. What exactly would be adequate coverage? Adequate and safe? When I’m using them to care for my children, how much can you actually see anyway? I know socks that reveal more and ankles are plastered all over magazines, billboards, TV, and movies to sell everything from sports drinks to cars to furniture. Honestly. I’m not showing any more than what you’d see watching a sitcom. Probably less, actually. And if you think that’s shocking, what about flip-flops and open toe shoes that reveal ankles AND toe cleavage? Nobody is insisting those be covered up. But a mother running around caring for her children, now that is disgusting. Please tell me, what is the measure of indecency we hold as standard? But another man seeing my ankles while I run after kids could be a turn on? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. A woman doing the best she can caring for her children, using her body as it is intended is going to be an indecent turn on? Now who is disgusting? But there could be a slip and they might SEE something! Gasp! Oh dear, what will we do! Mothers around the world are seducing men left and right using their ankles as they take care of their children! What is the world coming to?!

Now you’re saying that it is ok to use them but not only do you not want to see them used “that way” but it should stop once the child is one? How exactly does that make sense? Excuse me, but my child still needs me and it is encouraged by the experts that mothers continue to chase after their children as long as it is mutually beneficial and both parties are comfortable with it. Seriously, I don’t see how there is a magic switch that is flipped when a child turns one that she would no longer need me to walk after her. She may not even be ready to walk herself yet at that point! No, there is nothing inappropriate about me continuing to care for my child that way and I’m offended that you would say there is. It doesn’t excite me sexually, I’m not that one-dimensional, thanks. I may run around and use my ankles in a fashion only appropriate with my husband in our private times along but trust me, I couldn’t even begin to compare caring for my children to making love with my husband! I am not abusing my child by continuing to trot after them. My ankles have more than one purpose and I can differentiate between their functions, it isn’t that difficult actually and I already do it with other areas of my body so why should this be any different?

Honestly, I am sorry it makes you uncomfortable but I really can’t help but wonder if that reflects more on your issues than my ankles and my mothering. Your issues don’t have much weight in my caring for my children, sorry. If other women feel uncomfortable with their ankles so exposed while they care for their children, fine. It doesn’t bother me and if they can figure out how to gallop around after kids while hiding under a blanket then more power to them. In fact, I’m impressed, I just can’t get it to work. So I’m going to continue doing what is best for my children and while I’m not going to parade around with my ankles just hanging out there all the time for the world to see, I’m not going to hide me or my children just to make you feel better. There is nothing wrong with what I’m doing, I’m not ashamed of my ankles or using them to race around after my children. Not every woman can, I’m blessed to be able to. And no, I’m not going to cover to protect your sensibilities. Maybe your sensibilities aren’t that sensible. It is, after all, only natural for a mother to hasten to protect and give her children her best. This is my best. If you don’t like it then put a blanket over your head!

Once upon a time in a bygone era, ankles were considered a sexually indecent part of the body for a woman to show, a flamboyant display of indecency if they were revealed. Other era’s featured fashion that regularly revealed the breast mostly bare including the nipples showing while covering most every other part of the body with clothing. What we consider indecent now was at one time the height of fashion and accepted by the majority of society. Likewise, what has been considered inappropriate and immodest exposure in the past are now considered commonplace even in most of the extremely conservative circles. This post was inspired by some some online conversations I read and by this article. It is intended as satire regarding breastfeeding in public and “extended breastfeeding.” Not that I need to explain but for the record my husband completely supports me breastfeeding our children. Also, no ankle or foot fetish here. But aren’t these shoes amazing? I love them. Well, love to look at them. Wearing them, not so much. Seriously, what could be more sexy that a woman scurrying after her children in a pair of smokin’ hot, deadly heels?