Controversial opinion: If you’re going to have a baby, you absolutely should breastfeed. The evidence is clear.

Unless, of course, you don’t want to.

This may seem confusing coming from someone that goes around with slang for lactation as a name and that’s totally fair. Isn’t someone like me supposed to be enthusiastically chanting the “breast is best” message with Epstein conspiracy loyalists energy?

Yes, probably. As we used to say with frightening trendiness 5 or so years ago: hold my beer.

I don’t love breastfeeding.

Deep breath, calm your nervous system. This isn’t a conspiracy, and the creepy rich guy trafficking girls for other creepy rich guys weirdness is still way worse.

Breast is best. Fed is best. Informed is best. Educated is best. Evidence based is best. Supported is best. Whole foods are best. Mental health is best. Community is best. Balance is best.

Best is best.

Maybe. 

I have no idea what is best for you or for your baby or your family or this moment or the next or pretty much anything else.

Breast is best. Isolating just the milk itself, it is optimal, biological, and objectively the evidence based best. Is that all humans are though? Is that all we have to consider? Breast is best when it works and fits, when everything lines up and milk flows along with resources and time and energy and support. But is it more “best” than say mental health? Connection? Paying bills? Balance?

Fed is best just like breathing is best and sleep is best and anything else required to survive is best. Like oxygen, fed is necessary so sure, it is best. Certainly best compared to NOT having oxygen, to not being fed.

Informed and educated and evidence based are all best. Best of the best of the best! But what information exactly is best? The biological? The ingredients? The personal internal resources? The individual circumstances and realities? The complicated systems and structures? The financial situation? What information and education and evidence specifically is best?

What even is “best?”

What do I know? I’m over here just trying to figure out what’s best for me and my family, weighing all the known factors, trying to guess on some unknown factors, and hoping to clear the “do the next right thing” bar for myself. There is no way I can confidently say what “best” is for myself and my family and while I somewhat admire those with the swagger of knowing what’s best for everyone, sometimes cereal for dinner really does seem like me doing my best, I do not have the energy for that level of aplomb.

When I had a baby, for me “do the next right thing” meant breastfeeding. I try to listen to my body; eat when it says to eat, pee when it says to pee, sleep… ok, I fight that one a lot. I had decided a long time ago that I didn’t want to be in constant battle with my body and while some parts of myself don’t make that easy or straight forward (I’ve got a neurospicy brain, some trauma, and some health issues), where I could, I would trust my body’s process. When the milk flowed, I went with the flow. Because I had plenty of milk (too much but I’ll save talking about the horrors of oversupply for another time), a privilege I do not dismiss, I trusted this was right for me and for my baby.

That’s not to say I didn’t have my hangups or that it was all rainbow farting unicorns. I struggled. It has been so hard. I’m a SA survivor and that got all tangled up in my feelings about pregnancy, birth, and feeding my baby. What I didn’t expect was that it would somehow get untangled up for me through the journey and I’d find myself tapping into a power I didn’t know I had. There have been difficulties with latching and even with plenty of milk, not all of my babies have been great at getting my milk out of me and into their belly. Pain, stress, sleeplessness, anxiety, triple and quadruple feeding, and more have been a part of the journey for me.

Still, I found the evidence that human milk is the next right thing for a human baby pretty compelling and it turns out that I also had the support, internal resources, opportunity, to make it work. Overall it was “best” for me and my babies. Overall. Though my journey has looked like breastfeed directly, breastfeeding through pumping, with an at the chest supplementing system, with bottles, and I’ve also formula fed.

Overall though, “best” for me as been breastfeeding.

Best, but I don’t love breastfeeding.

As a lactation educator, I suppose I’m passionate about it and I’m certainly committed. I believe in it, very much, and I’ve been changed by it deeply.

Sounds like I love it but I don’t.

Sometimes I really don’t like it.

The “magic of motherhood” has come with about a million side quests that I haven’t particularly enjoyed from changing diapers and washing a million cups (how are there always so many?) and cleaning up messes to the more miserable terrifying surgeries and hospitalizations and assault of my child.

Not loving and even sometimes really not liking breastfeeding is just part of parenting for me. Turns out, feeding my kids is not this awe inspiring, heartwarming, 1950s tradwife experience of loving perfection. Actually, I’d honestly probably rather breastfeed than when they’re older make a dinner that they’re probably going to complain about. Really, what is with the having to eat every day thing? Can we get some kind of department of efficiency down here to review this expenditure? Pretty sure we could save a LOT of expense and energy if we just cut that right out. At least with nursing I never worry about forgetting to pull the meat out of the freezer to defrost.

“Fed is best” I syrup sweetly to myself as I figure out a new plan for dinner that doesn’t involve defrosted protein.

It sounds pretty bad to say I don’t like feeding my kids, I know that. I’m clearly not going for a “best mom” t-shirt or even a mug. 

Often, I really do enjoy it though or rather, I enjoy my baby’s relaxed contentment and our connection. Sometimes I enjoy cooking too or rather, my kid’s enthusiasm when one of their favorite meals is on the table. I’m ok with this, there are no promises that I’d love every single aspect of having children.

I love them. Not necessarily the tasks that come with caring for them.

Maybe that’s what best means for me. Doing the next right thing in loving my child as I care for them. Whatever that looks like recognizing that I’m not always getting it right according to best practice or recommendations or for optimized outcomes. Just human doing what I can in each moment to love my children well.