Boob seems to fix so much but as our littles get older that becomes less and less the case.And some day not an option at all. 😭

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A follower and parent coaching client asked:

Help! I feel like such a failure of a parent. My 4 year old is hitting, kicking, and even biting when she doesn’t get her way or just doesn’t like something that is happening or what was said. Particularly if she is told she can’t do or have something she wants. It happens a lot and some days I feel like I’ve been beat up and am exhausted from being physically attacked throughout the day. Time to turn off the TV when a movie is over? Cue the hitting. Serve food she doesn’t like? She might bite me. She will even hit or push her toddler little brother! Her father and I are concerned that this is becoming a habit and she will think it is acceptable to be physically aggressive when she doesn’t get her way when she’s grown too. We aren’t a violent family, we don’t watch violent entertainment, I honestly have no idea where this came from. We take her tablet or toys away from her when she does this and send her to her room but it doesn’t seem to be making any difference. What did we do wrong? How do we stop this? What can we do to help her stop attacking and hurting people when she doesn’t like something?”

Oooof, this is hard. It can be so distressing to see our children being violent.

First, you need to know that there is likely nothing you did to cause this, you haven’t failed your child. You also need to know that what is happening right now at 4 years old isn’t any kind of life sentence for your child. Thinking about what kind of adult they’re going to be based on how they’re having a hard time before they’re even 5 isn’t really going to help you and is catastrophizing.

Second, you need to know that this is really common. While not every child will use physical aggression in early childhood, many do. And most of those learn not to.

Little children hit, kick, and bite when they are overwhelmed and don’t know how to regulate themselves to express those big feelings in another way. When you see a child reacting to not liking something in this way, they are showing that they are having a hard time in the most whole body way they have available to them. At this age children have yet to fully develop an understanding of the difference between want and need, they feel a want just as intensely as a need. For most children this age, most emotions are usually expressed through physical release. They haven’t yet developed much, if any, kind of social awareness of what is acceptable behavior or how their behavior impacts others. All they know is what they feel and it doesn’t take much for those feelings to be so big, so overwhelming, their fight or flight response is activated and they may start hitting, kicking, biting, etc.

When that happens, it isn’t a bad habit or a sign of who they are or will be. It is a sign that they are having a hard time and seeking release of the big feelings that come with having a hard time through a physical expression. As far as they know, they just want the uncomfortable, intense, yucky big feelings to stop. That may come out toward the one they perceive as causing the distress or towardsomeone else to share the difficult emotions.

Punitive reactions like taking things away won’t work because their brain isn’t developed for them to see or understand a connection and it just feels mean to them. They don’t really have the capability at that age to understand that you took something away from them because of what they did.

That doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do. There are tried and true action steps that will support your child, their targets, and you in working through this difficult stage.

Our suggested action steps to respond to a young child being physically aggressive:

• When it happens, remove the target (the one being hit) and express empathy for that person like “I’m so sorry you were hit! Being hit hurts and is scary, would you like a hug?” Directing the attention to the one treated poorly is an opportunity to model empathy and deescalate the moment.
• Be calm but not TOO calm. Meeting them with some of the intensity they have helps them feel like you understand what they’re communicating. Don’t do so with your own turbulence, mirror theirs and model regulating.
• Meet them with empathy as well. Little kids don’t like feeling out of control, it is scary! “I see you’re having a hard time, I’m so sorry.”
• Help give her words to express herself. “I see you have big feelings right now, you seem frustrated/angry.” Language development is fast at this age but abstract concepts like emotions are difficult to name for young children.
• Hold boundaries. After you’ve cared for and moved the target out of range and after naming her emotions, kindly and firmly set a boundary so she feels secure. When little kids are out of control it can feel scary for them, leading to them struggling even more to regulate. A simple “I won’t let you hit me/them.” is often enough to help them start to feel more anchored.
• Help them. When they’re out of control they will need the help of a calm, safe person to coregulate with. Offer help. “I can help you, would you like a hug? Want to hit a pillow?” Stay near but give space if she can’t immediately figure out what she wants.
• Stay calm. It’s ok to show some matching of her intensity but only when you’re acknowledging her big emotions. Otherwise, be the calm she’s seeking but struggling to find within herself.
• Don’t worry about this becoming a habit. She’s really young and catastrophizing that she’s going to hit for the rest of her life isn’t helpful in working things out. Catastrophizing may make you reactive and use your own powerful force to control her as your fear and anxiety takes over.
• Later, review what happened leading up to the physical violence. Do you notice any patterns? Hunger? Fatigue? Overstimulation from too much screen time? Do you need to adjust your expectations to fit what she’s actually capable of rather than what you think she should be capable of? This may look like rearranging her routine, adjusting the length of time she has on a screen (maybe she can’t do a whole movie), moving the younger sibling out of her reach before she targets him, etc.
• Listen to your child. After each event, when things are calm and settled, see if she can tell you what was going on for her. “You had a hard time when we turned the TV off after your movie, can you tell me about that?” At this age she may or may not be able to. You can try some guessing and ask for thumbs up or thumbs down if she’s not able to say what was going on, just keep it simple so as not to overwhelm her.
• Teach and review consent. Removed from any specific event and only when things are calm, talk in very plain, casual ways about how we use our hands and bodies with other people. Model the importance of consent by asking her permission for hugs, kisses, rough housing, tickling, and reinforce how everyone deserves to have their body treated kindly and give permission before someone else touches them.
• Provide a safe form of resistance release. If she likes to hit when she’s frustrated, set up a safe option for her to hit (could be a hitting pillow, a ball she throws and dribbles, a punching bag, etc.) and introduce it as something she can use any time for fun or frustration.
• Try preparing her ahead of time for what you’ve noticed to be triggers for this behavior. “When our movie is done, we will be turning off the TV and going potty.” Then provide support through those times by giving her time and space to coregulate with you. Maybe set a timer; “in two minutes we’re going to turn the TV off and go potty and get a snack.”
• Support them in using their power. If they’re feeling out of control it may be because life is happening for them without them feeling like they have any say. “We are turning off the TV in 2 minutes, you can push the power button on the remote when it is time.”
• For any patterns that you’ve noticed, try to get ahead of patterns to set everyone up for success. Notice that overstimulation is a common trigger? Build in some low stimulation times. Realize she’s more violent when she’s hangry? Get her a snack and put it in front of her. Start to see she takes it out on her little brother when he is near her? Move him quickly before she escalates and targets him. Whatever the patterns are, you can help change them.
• Change what you can change, control what you can control. You can change yourself and to some extent the environment, routine, and experiences of your child but you can’t change your child. You can control yourself and to some extent the environment, routine, and experiences of your child but you can’t control your child without fear and dominance which doesn’t teach them to control themselves. Trying to change and control your child will escalate things and backfire.
• If the physical aggression continues and you are concerned that it is excessive for her age and stage of development, bring up your concern to your child’s health care provider. Sometimes this is a sign that something else is underlying your child’s behavior and further assessment with a health care professional is needed. If there is an underlying physical cause, the good news is there are treatments including therapies that are often very effective.

Having a child lose control and become physically aggressive is so taboo in our society that many parents don’t talk about it. There’s a lot of shame around having a child that does this. But it is far more common than most realize and we need to be talking about it. Nearly all children have some moments like this and many go through a long stage. We can help them, they can learn. We’ve helped a number of families figure out the specific steps and strategies to help their child having a hard time with physical aggression and we’ve walked a couple of our own children through this challenging phase. It isn’t permanent and you can handle this!

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