How Breastfeeding Changed My Understanding of Romance
By Jessica Martin-Weber, CLE
Friends, I used to consider myself a romantic. Sweet thoughtful gestures like surprising me with a fresh picked wildflower on a walk or writing me a love note or showing up with chocolate just because it was my idea of romance.
Grand gestures and expensive items were never my thing. I didn’t care about jewelry or having an expensive engagement ring (mine was $100 at a thrift store and was just a simple diamond band, no engagement ring) but a carefully planned scavenger hunt, an indoor picnic during a snowstorm, or an artsy film watched from the couch with a foot rub and I was head over heels.
For me, at the heart of romance that meant a lot to me was connection. Really being seen, truly being known, authentically being valued.
So it is no surprise I fell for a guy who was even more romantic and tucked notes into my lunch when he packed it for me to go to work or showed up after his shift at the Italian restaurant with my favorite dessert.
Then we had kids.
The Martin-Weber kids
9 of them.
Not all at once, mind you. One at a time and spread out over a couple decades.
Make no mistake, the romance continues in full force even after kids. Which is part of why we had so many. Romance is super sexy.
But…
Breastfeeding changed my standards for romance.
I still love the more small moments, the romance in the mundane rather than sweeping gestures. The connection aspect of it, the being seen, known, and valued are still essential.
Now, though, it is all about our connection rituals.
Every day he delivers a morning cup of coffee to me with a kiss for while I pump and my heart flutters not just from anticipating the caffeine but with a fresh rush of “falling in love” feelings. Take me, I’m yours!
When I once would have been thrilled over a visit to a bookstore to select a book of poetry together, now my heart beats fast at the thought of clean sheets on the bed, my water bottle washed and refilled with ice cold water, a high protein snack and a bit of chocolate when I’m sitting to nurse, dinner planned and made while I fed the baby, and the baby’s diaper changed while I’m hooked up to the breast pump. Swoon Nothing quite does it like the sight of washed pump parts drying on the drying rack without me having touched them.
Be. Still. My. Heart. Nothing says love to me quite like “don’t wash any dishes.”
How I had once delighted over a handmade card with a note professing love and what he enjoys about my mind and body, now I feel flooded with gratitude at the baby’s diaper change being done when I come back from the bathroom before nursing in the middle of the night.
There’s room for more love when the bladder is emptied and the baby is dry!
There was a time when a batch of homemade dark chocolate truffles was a high expression of romantic love and now just bring me any kind of snack while baby cluster feeds and hear my breath catch.
Because hangry is a total romantic mood killer.
These acts aren’t extraordinary or going above and beyond. They’re ordinary participatory parenting from an equal partner. They aren’t exceptional or weird, they’re a parent investing in his own children as he should
Yet… they’re also romantic to me.
Now, I’m not opposed to or uninterested in these other forms of romance. I still get excited about them.
Homemade truffles are still divine.
A bookstore browsing trip remains a favorite date.
An Instagram post by Jeremy from October 2014 of being out on a
bookstore date with Jessica
Those indy artsy films are harder to fit in our lives now but I look forward to them whenever we can.
Getting dressed up and going for dinner is now a treasured rare treat.
The connection of our morning coffee delivery routine is more anchoring of our love than the wedding ring I haven’t worn in years.
I’m all for more traditional romance.
Bring on the flowers (actually, I prefer a nice house plant).
Connection rituals in doing life together is the romance that means the most to me. That is where I feel most valued, seen, cared for, and known. My partner investing in the life we’ve made together as an involved partner who is responsible in our relationship makes the invisible burden a little lighter, my life a bit easier, and room for romance a lot more possible.
Breastfeeding and romance don’t seem to go together and frankly, leaking milk and feeding a baby isn’t romantic in and of itself. Babies aren’t romantic. Still, this time in a relationship does set the stage for new romance and connection rituals that withstand the test of time.
As relationship coaches, this is one area that we see most frequently suffers after children. Romance becomes rigidly defined and connection restricted by social expectations that are difficult to access at times with children. The mundane of everyday life responsibilities becomes disconnecting and individual rather than connecting and collaborative.
The fix is pretty simple.
Connection rituals.
Love rituals.
Simple gestures throughout the day and year that are reliable and consistent demonstrations of connection and love that both represent and support the relationship.
Everyone should have several in the relationships that are most important to them. Partner, kids, parents, friends. Every morning, usually when I’m pumping milk for our baby, he brings me a cup of coffee and hands it off to me with a kiss. And then again in the afternoon, since we both usually work from home. And sometimes in the evening he’ll show up with a cup of tea or a mocktail or a glass of wine and do the same.
@wereallhumanhere Connection rituals. Love rituals. Simple gestures throughout the day and year that are reliable and consistent demonstrations of connection and love that both represent and support the relationship. Everyone should have several in the relationships that are most important to them. Partner, kids, parents, friends. Every morning, usually when I’m pumping milk for our baby, he brings me a cup of coffee and hands it off to me with a kiss. And then again in the afternoon, since we both usually work from home. And sometimes in the evening he’ll show up with a cup of tea or a mocktail or a class of wine and do the same. I occasionally wonder if he might bring me beverages just to get a kiss. I love it. I do the same for him and we have other connection rituals. Always kiss goodbye. Texting “I love you” or “you’re my favorite” or expressing gratitude or activities we’d like to do together throughout the day. Regular check ins about how each other is doing and how WE’RE doing. Evening strolls together. Making dinner or doing dinner clean up together. Folding laundry and chatting together. Discussing the books we’re reading while we cook. Etc. We do similar connection rituals with our kids. Goodbye hugs and kisses, secret handshakes, “you’re my favorite _________ (child’s name,” “I love being your mommy/daddy,” bringing them their water bottle and giving them a kiss, asking them to help us with something and expressing appreciation, inviting them to check what’s growing in the garden with us, brushing their hair before bed, etc. These connection and love rituals keep us anchored in why we love each other. Through the mundane we have these touch points that are like little zephyrs filled with the aroma of our relationship, a chance to breathe in deeply for just a moment of that which is the life of our connection. They help us not lose sight of ourselves and each other, gentle reminders of the motivation we have to value each other consistently. We regularly coach our private clients to prioritize finding or creating love and connection rituals. Be intentional in valuing each other and making connection happen. This strategy very often softens the relationship to be able to do harder work like improving communication, addressing workload inequity, improving intimacy, and collaborating on difficult issues. #relationshipadvice #relationships #connectionrituals #loverituals #relationshiprituals #marriage #marriedlife #coffee #husband #wife #relationshipcoaching
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I occasionally wonder if he might bring me beverages just to get a kiss. I love it. I do the same for him and we have other connection rituals.
Always kiss goodbye.
Texting “I love you” or “you’re my favorite.”
Expressing gratitude for doing tasks.
Sharing activities we’d like to do together throughout the day.
Regular check-ins about how each other is doing and how WE’RE doing.
Evening strolls together.
Making dinner or doing dinner clean up together.
Folding laundry and chatting together.
Discussing the books we’re reading while we cook. Etc.
These aren’t extraordinary moments that take a lot of planning, money, or creativity. These moments are our life together. The romance is in the connection, the connection is in the showing up.
We do similar connection rituals with our kids. From the time they are young all the way through teens and young adults, finding opportunities in the everyday to demonstrate how much we love and value them and prioritize really seeing them.
Goodbye hugs and kisses.
Secret handshakes.
“You’re my favorite (child’s name).”
“I love being your mommy/daddy.”
Bringing them their water bottle and giving them a kiss.
Asking them to help us with something and expressing appreciation.
Inviting them to check what’s growing in the garden with us.
Brushing their hair before bed.
And so many more.
These connection and love rituals keep us anchored in why we love each other. Through the mundane we have these touch points that are like little zephyrs filled with the aroma of our relationship, a chance to breathe in deeply for just a moment of that which is the life of our connection. They help us not lose sight of ourselves and each other, gentle reminders of the motivation we have to value each other consistently. We regularly coach our private relationship coaching clients to prioritize finding or creating love and connection rituals. Be intentional in valuing each other and making connection happen. This strategy very often softens the relationship to be able to do harder work like improving communication, addressing workload inequity, improving intimacy, and collaborating on difficult issues.
And pumping milk.
Romance and connection is beautiful and special and… normal. Breastfeeding showed me that. Family is wonderful, life is a gift, connection is fulfilling.
It is all just even better with the pump parts washed and the baby’s diaper is changed and the laundry has been done and dinner is made.
