Ever have a child sneak your expressed milk?

My 4yo grabbed my silicone suction expression cup from where I left it sitting after I had used it while feeding her baby sister and then went to change the baby’s diaper. She downed all 4 ounces swiftly. She was already chugging it when I realized what was happening and at that point there was nothing else to do but snap some pictures.

She nursed for the last time a month ago on her birthday informing me she’s a big girl now but she had been mostly weaned for a few months before that. This was the second time she weaned though, she had weaned about 3 months before her baby sister was born but returned to it after the baby arrived.

Sometimes, older, weaned children will ask to breastfeed. Whether it be a new baby added to the family or just what seems more curiosity, it’s not unusual for a child to see breastfeeding and want to give it a try. They may be quite insistent or perhaps shy and act embarrassed. It may come when you’re sitting there feeding their younger sibling or when they get a moment alone with you. There is a possibility that they are more than a little curious and will want to re-establish a nursing relationship.

Don’t worry, this is normal.

It is what Doctors John and Julie Gottman would call a “bid for connection.”

Too bad so many adults have hang ups around breasts and sexualize them so much that the natural curiosity of a child is sexualized and makes many uncomfortable.

So how should we respond in a way that won’t trigger shame, embarrass our children, cause them to feel rejection, and honor our boundaries?

With patience. With acceptance. With gentleness. Without disgust. Without shame. Without fear. Without judgment. With openness. With curiosity. With love.

As is often the case, the manner with which we respond to our children is more important than what we actually do.

If your older, weaned child asks to breastfeed, saying yes or no is less important than how you say it. Before you respond, ask yourself what your reaction could be communicating to your child. Is it loving? Does it communicate acceptance? Or is it expressing shock and disgust? Could they confuse your response as a rejection of them? That they did something wrong? That breastfeeding is shameful? And before that maybe wonder what is underlying your initial reaction and does that align with your parenting purpose, priorities, and values?

Your older, weaned child may be asking to try nursing or taste your milk because they want to feel cared for. Or it could be that they’re jealous of their new younger sibling. It’s possible they just enjoy the idea of that closeness. Maybe a part of them also remembers nursing and they want to reconnect with that feeling.

Or maybe they really just are curious and wonder what it’s like, what your milk tastes like, and how it all works.

The fact that they felt safe enough to ask, to let you know that they were thinking about it is a testament to the kind of relationship they have with you. One where they feel safe to express a desire to be like a baby in this way, in this moment.

Congratulations, you’ve cultivated that sense of safety. Every child deserves that.

By responding to their bid for connection with openness and love, you are continuing that.

So what should you do if your older, weaned child asks to breastfeed?

Other than being gentle, open, and loving, I have no idea.

I can tell you this: from a physiological perspective, it’s totally fine.

The body prioritizes the needs of the youngest person being cared for. Your milk will be specific to your new baby’s needs. If your older child begins to nurse regularly, your body will respond to the increased demand by making more milk. In fact, having an older child nurse can help ensure a strong, full supply.

Doing so won’t cause problems in that way.

I can’t tell you what the answer is because there is no one right answer. Some will make it sound like there is only one answer, a right or wrong answer. No matter what you do, some will judge. That’s the deal, outside of clear abuse or neglect, it’s your call and some are going to disagree with your choice. So just do whatever is right for your child and you. Measure that alongside your parenting purpose, priorities, and values. 

My advice? I would just encourage you not to rush your decision. Take a moment and reflect on why you may or may not be comfortable with it. Beyond wondering what’s going on for your child, get curious about what’s going on for you too.

What complicated feelings for you might be tangled up in their asking? What shame points do you have that squirm with their curiosity? What social pressures weigh heavily on you at the idea of them having your milk at this age? What fears or anxiety is triggered with their request? Who’s judgment concerns you? How does this fit in with your parenting purpose, priorities, and values?

“I’ll have to think about it” is a valid response.

Even better “Thank you for letting me know you want to try that, I’m not ready for that right now but let’s talk about it more later.”

When you’re clear on what is going on for you and you’re able to determine what you want for your child, whatever you decide their take away is going to come from how you communicate it.

With older children, a conversation is usually possible and a reasonable place to start. Involving them in a conversation as part of your decision making could be a bonding experience for you both. Instead of just a flat answer, be curious about what they’re really asking for. To taste the milk? To experience the cuddles? To find out how it works? To not miss out on something they see their little sibling getting to have?

Answer their questions, share videos of how milk is made in the body (there are some great ones available), ask them what they think about it all as you go.

Remain curious yourself. Meet your child’s bid for connection, don’t shut it down.

That doesn’t mean you have to let them latch or give them your milk. It means put connection and care first so your child walks away from the exchange feeling loved, no matter what the final answer is.

Your decision is completely up to you and your personal boundaries. If you’re not comfortable letting your older, weaned child breastfeed then don’t. If you think you may be ok with it, then let them. Your boundaries and modeling bodily autonomy is important too and even a two year old is capable of understanding such boundaries. Even if they don’t like them. If you decide you’re comfortable with it and even want to encourage them to relearn how to properly latch (yes, that is an option) and that works for both of you, that can be a significant journey as well.

Whatever you decide, just do so gently and with care through connection and you’ll both be fine.