Parenting — Page 6

Breastfeeding, sexism, and public opinion polls

June 4, 2014 by theleakyb@@b Leave a Comment

Oh look, another poll from a media outlet for their audience to weigh in about women breastfeeding in public or past a certain age! Isn’t this fun? Scary boobs, scary breastmilk, scary baby, vote now! Breastfeeding, sexism and breastfeeding, is that even an issue? Does everybody really get to weigh in on a woman feeding her baby? Is it helping anyone? Or is it just a form of sexist entertainment?

Taking a deeper look at how these types of polls are hurting mothers and why I’m over these polls and won’t be sharing them anymore:

What do you think, are polls like these helping or hurting? Should we be voting on how women feed their children or do we have better things to do?

Filed Under: Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding humor, Breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding support, breastfeeding video, breasts, Featured, humor, Jessica, motherhood, NIP, Parenting, The Leaky Boob, video Tagged With: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding in society, Breastfeeding support, breastmilk, cultural attitudes about breastfeeding, entertainment, feminism, natural duration breastfeeding, Parenting, public opinion, sexism in entertainment, The Leaky Boob

Breastfeeding and thinking of others

April 28, 2014 by theleakyb@@b 4 Comments

By Jessica Martin-Weber

I try to avoid reading comments on just about any articles that have to do with infant nutrition, particularly on breastfeeding in public, except on those sites where I’ve come to trust the atmosphere is conducive to healthy dialogue and engaging conversation. Sometimes I can’t help it though and I get momentarily sucked into the train wreck of society’s most opinionated who found a platform to spew vitriol laced with unverified “facts” and self appointed expertise. I’ve read enough of these comments over the years that I have come to expect a certain set of responses, each presented as though it is the first time anyone has ever thought of it. From the comparisons of breastfeeding to human waste or sex to implying the mother must be an exhibitionist or even pedophile, the “enlightened” arguments, most often lay blame on the breastfeeding woman as to how her feeding her baby is damaging society.

I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Hundreds of thousands feel empowered by the anonymity of the internet to say that women feeding their babies the biologically normal way are damaging society. And of course, because moms can’t win, still other mothers are blamed for damaging society for not feeding their child the biologically normal way and using bottles and/or formula.

Something is wrong with society? Blame the mothers! It simply must be because of the female portion of the parenting population!

I can think of a lot of practices that are damaging society but for the life of me I can’t see how a woman feeding her child could even be fathomed as one, let alone worth commenting on anywhere at all.

One of my cynical favorites are the comments that talk about human decency and pride. How could a woman be so selfish? Some people are uncomfortable with witnessing breastfeeding, why in the world should they have to suffer so badly when a woman uses her breast in their presence to feed her child? What about human decency? Does she have no pride and self respect? It’s not that hard to show a little courtesy to others and cover yourself while you do that. Can’t she think of others and stop being SO SELFISH and just be DISCREET? What is wrong with these women that think it’s just fine to FEED their babies right there where everyone can see it? For goodness sake, WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?

All over a woman feeding her child.

I wish I was joking. I’m not. In fact, I avoid reading these comments usually because it makes me want to say bad words. All the bad words.

Then there’s the fact that I don’t only come across this in comment sections of online news or blogs, nope, people say it to my face.

You’re worried about human decency and damaging society? What about the children going to bed hungry every night in your community? The lack of health care for many in the world today? What about the dangerous, polluted water millions of people drink daily and the children who get sick from it? How about the corporations ruining the environment often in already compromised areas and successfully lobbying so they aren’t held accountable? And the million other human rights violations destroying lives, destroying children?

Not a baby being safely fed. That is not an issue of lack of human decency. Making it one and overlooking real concerns is. News flash: a mother’s first responsibility is to think of her children, that is her thinking of others. And because thinking of her children involves thinking of the good of society and making well informed decisions in her care of her children, feeding her children and meeting their needs is part of caring for society as well. Thinking of what others in society may think of how she is feeding her child? Yeah, that doesn’t really help anyone and if you think so, your privilege has blinded you. Should she choose to cover or not, how she feeds her child is her decision and whatever makes her and her child comfortable. Not anyone else. Think of others? Ok. When I’m breastfeeding I’m thinking of my child, it’s not about anyone else. Doing it in public doesn’t make it anyone else’s business either.

I have to believe that in a generation people will be shocked that this was an issue, embarrassed that it was. Like other topics that have made society uncomfortable at times, a woman feeding her baby in public will some day no longer be a topic of scrutiny, debate, or attack. I hope. Just like civil rights issues, formerly taboo health issues, and environmental concerns that used to be dismissed, eventually infant nutrition will no longer be confused with real issues of human decency. Except for where infants and their families don’t have access to nutrition. Want to get up in arms about something? Find something worthy.

There is one point these commenters sometimes make that I do agree with, what has happened to human decency? Only I wonder if we ever had it and have instead confused human decency with privilege. Because too often we turn blind eyes to the real battles moms face and focus on demeaning and petty “mommy wars.”

Let’s fight the real battles and let’s not worry about being discreet about it. Let’s really think of others.

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, Breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding support, covering, Featured, Jessica, NIP Tagged With: asked to cover while breastfeeding in public, Breastfeeding, breastfeeding and culture, breastfeeding in public, breastmilk, mommy wars, NIP, Parenting

Guest Post from Suzanne of The Fearless Formula Feeder- Mean People Suck.

January 31, 2014 by theleakyb@@b 3 Comments

I’m happy to share this guest post from Suzanne Barston the a blogger and author of BOTTLED UP. Suzanne writes over at the Fearless Formula Feeder, a blog – and community – dedicated to infant feeding choice, and committed to providing non-judgmental support for all new parents. I asked to cross post her article because I thought it was well written and offered a perspective that should touch all of our humanity about how we treat others in the name of a cause. My friendship with Suzanne has been growing and I deeply respect her, the work she does, and her heart because while it may seem at first glance that she and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum, we are, in fact, more similar than we are different. I highly encourage my readers to quietly spend some time on her website and Facebook page listening and learning. To genuinely support you have to first listen to what those needing support actually need and don’t assume you know better than they. This article was originally published here. ~Jessica

by Suzanne Barston

Back in the 90’s, before the age of memes, bumper stickers were the best of sending the world (or at least the person stuck behind you in traffic) a message about your political leanings, philosophy, or the status of your child’s “Good Citizenship” in school. People got seriously creative with these little strips of adhesive, but there was one that seemed to be strike a chord with the folks I typically associated with. The Birkenstocks-wearing, Ani-DiFranco-listening, liberal-arts-major types. The message that seemed to be stuck to the back of everyone’s used Volvo was this:

Mean People Suck.

Catchy, isn’t it?

But what I’ve realized in my late thirties is that mean people do more than just “suck”. The screw things up for the rest of us, in serious, systemic ways. They are the cops who brutalize minor offenders based on the color of their skin; the politicians who refuse to see the human side of their voting record, the instigators of road rage. And in the parenting world, they are the women who perpetuate the mommy wars (such a stupid and patronizing term, for a stupid and patronizing problem).

The thing is, mommy “wars” may be stupid, but their effect is far-reaching and profound. They make us believe we need to take sides, choose a team, thus dividing us and making it ridiculously easy to conquer us. And by conquering us, I mean keeping us from fighting collectively for better family leave, better maternal health care, better resources and options for our children and ourselves. We’re so busy trying to prove we’re an Alpha Female, conveniently forgetting that alpha males are generally assholes.

Speaking of Alpha Females, there’s a woman who has built up an impressive following on the Internet who I’ve tried to avoid giving airtime for the past year or so, after a few run-ins that made it clear her only motivation in life is to fight. I’ve tried thinking about her in a new-agey way, considering what made her the way she is, and trying to feel sympathy for her anger and vitriol rather than letting her make me act in turn. But when Jessica from the Leaky Boob – a woman I admire greatly and am proud to consider a friend – reached out to me about this Alpha person’s latest assault, I agreed to speak up.

I agreed to speak up because my friendship with Jessica is based on everything that this other person is trying her damndest to destroy. Jessica runs one of the most respected and beloved communities for breastfeeding women. I run a modest but pretty vocal community of people who take issue with the current state of breastfeeding promotion (as well as people who are totally cool with breastfeeding promotion, but ended up using formula for whatever reason and are willing to put up with the constant drama and debate because they have few other communities where they feel safe asking questions about formula feeding). We’re part of an informal community of breastfeeding advocates (and me, although I do consider myself a breastfeeding advocate, albeit a strange hybrid of one) where we discuss ways to better serve all mothers and provide REAL support and education. It’s actually really awesome to see how women can work together to find solutions even when they come from opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.

The Alpha individual operates on the premise that working relationships (and friendships) like this cannot – or should not – exist. Her page and blog are consistently dedicated to making fun of those who haven’t lived up to her own personal standards. Her work wouldn’t be worth mentioning at all, except for the fact that she has gotten the seal of approval from several notable breastfeeding researchers and advocates, including James Akre, who writes regular (and strikingly misogynist) guest posts for her blog. The woman knows how to get page views and Facebook likes. You have to admire her for that.

But in the immortal words of Stan Lee (and as I keep telling my Marvel comic-obsessed son), with great power comes great responsibility. And when someone with a fair share of public attention does something incredibly harmful, not only to a movement (those invested in creating a more supportive environment among mothers) but more importantly to an individual, that is an abuse of power, and seriously irresponsible.

Here are the facts: The blogger in question stole a photo of a woman in an emotional moment and used it to promote her recurring message that formula feeding parents are lazy and un-invested in their children. The photo was of a woman hooked up to wires, looking at least semi-unconscious, with a baby being held up to her breast. The blogger superimposed the word “obsessed” on the photo, meant in a “positive” way, as in, yes; this woman was obsessed with breastfeeding, which was a good thing because it meant she was properly dedicated. Unlike the rest of you nitwits.

The thing is, that was the antithesis of what this photo meant to the mom featured in it. This was, for her, a memory of something she went through with her child. I don’t know if that memory was positive or negative or something in between, as most postpartum memories are when something goes awry. It’s not my business to know. It’s hers. She didn’t intend for her image to be used this way. We don’t know the backstory behind the image, which I’m sure is human and flawed and beautiful and complicated.

But bloggers like the Alpha person are not complicated. They are simple. They are mean. And mean people suck.

They suck the life out of images like this; make them fodder for a contrived mommy war. They suck the life out of breastfeeding advocacy efforts, because they perpetuate the myth of the “breastapo” by becoming a caricature of that concept. They suck the joy out of parenting, by making it a competition. They suck the intelligence and nuance out of what could be a productive debate between people who genuinely care about maternal and child health. And they suck the energy out of bloggers like Jessica and myself, who resent that we feel forced into a corner and made to confront this type of bottom-feeding behavior, when we could be focusing our collective efforts on something more productive.

Alpha types will always exist, these parasites that feed on fear, loneliness and feelings of inferiority. But parasites can be stopped if their food source is cut off. That’s why we are asking both of our communities to stop engaging. Don’t be a food source. Don’t visit her site. Don’t comment on the Facebook page, even if it’s to fight back against the hate. Just don’t engage.

If you see people you respect at risk of an infestation, let them know the true nature of the beast. Speak up when respected advocates are partnering with her or linking to her work. Let those around you know that this type of behavior does not advocate breastfeeding; it advocates bullying, shaming and hate.

And if you see one of her memes, post one of your own. One from a time before the internet allowed the best and worst of humanity to be distributed worldwide: Mean People Suck. Because they do.

Filed Under: Article, Bottle Feeding, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding difficulties, breastfeeding support, Facebook, Featured, guest posts, motherhood, Parenting Tagged With: breastfeeding advocacy, Breastfeeding support, cyber bullying, infant feeding support, Mean people suck, memes, Parenting, stealing photos, The Alpha Parent, The Fearless Formula Feeder

Sleep dreams

January 29, 2014 by theleakyb@@b Leave a Comment

This post made possible by the generous support of Arm’s Reach Concepts.

by Jessica Martin-Weber

To sleep or not to sleep, the question babies and little children everywhere wrestle with on a regular basis and parents pray will be answered with “to sleep.” Sleep like a baby sometimes sounds like an oxymoron when it seems like your baby won’t sleep. But sometimes it isn’t to sleep or not to sleep but rather, where to sleep. The Leakies joined me in sharing pictures of where and how they have found their little ones sleeping. Two of the funniest threads we’ve had on The Leaky Boob Facebook page were the result and an image collection of baby and little kid sleeping gold. We couldn’t fit even all of our favorites here so be sure to head over to beyondmoi.com for more totally adorable and hilarious moments of sleep with little ones. It could be one of the few times you will find yourself laughing about sleep as a parent.

Whatever you do, don’t lay down! The couch is there for support, I’m just resting my eyes mid bounce…

I was going to go run but then this happened…

I’m not sleepy, my head just got heavy…

It wasn’t that I was sleepy, it’s that the entertainment was boring…

Wait, what just happened, I was in the middle of something important…

It is important to keep your best friend company…

Just getting into character…

This wasn’t exactly my plan…

Don’t worry, I’m on top of things…

And under things…

sleeping under dog bed mom checked to be sure she could breathe

Look closely… find the toes…

And in things…

And out…

It’s always better with someone else…

And if you think I’m cute when I’m sleeping, you should see when I wake up!

This guy was too cute on the Arm’s Reach Co-Sleeper Instagram feed.

Filed Under: Article, Facebook, family, Featured, fun, humor, Jessica, motherhood, Parenting, Photos, sleep through the night Tagged With: awkward sleep positions with kids, baby sleep, Batgirl, little kid sleep, Parenting, Sleep, the leaky boob Facebook, toddler sleep

6 lessons our 6 kids have taught us in fostering sibling bonds + 6 #BecoSiblingLove carrier packs

December 31, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 321 Comments

by Jessica Martin-Weber

This post made possible by the generous support of Beco Baby Carriers.

When I was pregnant with our second child, I was pretty good at keeping a journal for our first born with regular entries sharing not only what she had done and milestones she had reached but also my feelings along the way. First child/new parent kind of thing, I’m not even kind of keeping up with journals for the girls now, they get about two entries a year. A few of my entries from those early days record both my excitement and concern about adding a child to the family, all normal thoughts when adding a new baby. Worried about how I would love another child as much as my first born, wondering how I would be able to give both the attention they deserved and I thought required, anxious about possible jealousy as a result, and afraid that my children wouldn’t get along. That last one was one of my greatest concerns. My own relationship with my siblings up to that point had been tenuous at best and I wasn’t sure how to foster a bond between my own children that would invite them to have a meaningful relationship with each other beyond “hey, we’re family, you’re supposed to love each other so get along.”

Today our 6 girls share a bond I could never have imagined and my relationships with my siblings is improving. Though they have their share of squabbles, necessary interactions for learning how to manage conflict and establish boundaries (we utilize the Peace Path for helping our children develop conflict management skills), all six of our children have a connection they each treasure and actively cultivate which for all of them began before the new sibling was even born. It hasn’t always been easy and there was a period of regression with our first when our second was born and we all laugh at how when our third came along her big sister regularly asked if the new baby could go back in my tummy for a few months. But these minor hiccups have only served to strengthen their relationships, not weaken them. As Erica E. Goode said:

Sibling relationships – and 80 percent of Americans have at least one – outlast marriages, survive the death of parents, resurface after quarrels that would sink any friendship. They flourish in a thousand incarnations of closeness and distance, warmth, loyalty and distrust.

Our eldest, 15yo Earth Baby, babywearing our youngest, 20 month old Sugarbaby in a Beco Soleil with our second youngest, 4yo Smunchie, babywearing her own baby in a Beco Mini.

Encouraging their connection has been intentional on our part. As their parents, we have learned how us valuing their relationship helps them to value it as well, and truly valuing it, not having expectations of simply getting along to keep the peace. Respecting their individual yet communal needs to develop their ties based on their own personalities and interactions in order to have authentic relationships because they want to, not just to make us happy, has given us all the space needed to know not only ourselves but each other. We’re still learning but here are 6 of the lessons we have learned as we journey this path together.

Positive talk. Before our children are even born we talk them up to their older siblings and their older siblings up to them. It’s not fake either, we honestly believe that they are incredibly lucky to have the others in their life and that our children are some outstanding people, we can’t wait for them to meet each other. Hearing us not only talk positively about their siblings but of them to their siblings is inspiring and confidence building. We continue this long after birth. I will never forget when our then 5 year old lovingly whispered to our 4th baby at a few months old as they were on the bed together while I cleaned up after a diaper change where she had assisted me as I talked her up to her baby sister: “mommy is right, I DO love you lots and lots. I will never stop loving you.” Cue happy mommy tears.
The Storyteller and Lollie
Play Games together. From the earliest age with rhymes, massage, peek-a-boo, and finger plays, connecting through play bridges age gaps and interests. This Little Piggy, the Itsy Bitsy Spider, and other repetitive rhymes are perfect, even toddlers and preschoolers can enjoy sharing those with a younger sibling and may spare you some repetitions. Don’t let siblings replace your own play time with baby, but involving older siblings and giving them one on one time to play together will have a lasting impact on their relationship. Try some other creative activities as well, older siblings will love sharing these experiences of play together. Our bigger girls always love making the newest baby laugh, it’s a treasure to share and games are an active way of connecting. As they get older they build their game playing repertoire from recognized free-style games (hide and seek) to structured games (Candy Land) to made-up games that become family favorites. Games can be a family affair but some of the deepest connecting times happen with one on one games. Which brings me to my next point…
We were missing one that day but that didn’t stop their games.
Get out of the way. It can be so easy and in many ways necessary to never leave your children to interact on their own together, particularly with a very young baby. While it is important to supervise young children with an infant, giving them the space with you present to touch, play with, and connect with a new young sibling will have lifetime pay off. Sitting on the couch well supported by pillows and mommy and daddy’s trusting encouragement at as young as weeks before turning 2 years old, each of our 5 big girls have glowed with love as they held their newborn baby sister. As the get older, trusting them with their younger siblings even more, letting them do caregiving that we typically assume such as diaper changing and babywearing develops their own confidence and connection. When the youngest is old enough we begin encouraging quiet times and naps with a sibling. Our 20 month old and newly turned 4 year old share a room together now and one recent evening I heard the toddler cry out and by the time I got to their room they were cuddled up together in one bed sleeping peacefully. They still join us in our room early every morning for a few hours but they have the giggles of going to bed together and the comfort of each other through the night. Getting out of the way can be hard, finding a balance between safety and providing opportunity can be challenging (and do make sure everyone is safe) but more than likely it will be letting go of your own desire to control that will be the most difficult to overcome. Though it may mean things won’t be done exactly how you would do them or there may be a bigger mess as a result, getting out of the way will allow your children to develop their own experiences together and define their relationship together outside of their parents. Worth any cleanup required.
Struck down with a nasty virus, sisters offer each other comfort.
Nurture their nurturing side. Children, at least young children, like to emulate their parents and caregivers. This aspect of their development is crucial to their learning life skills. Helping with household chores, copying parents leisure activities (i.e. reading), and mimicking caring for babies and small children. Dolls and plush toys can help meet this need but don’t limit it to pretend. Even very young children can help with caring for their younger siblings in simple ways. Toddlers can give kisses, help with bathing (wash baby’s toes with the wash cloth!), fetch toys and other items, perform to entertain baby (my toddlers love to dance for their baby sisters, not sure the littlest was ever impressed but the big sister felt important in that moment), offer comfort, and participate in snuggles. There is something about a toddler gently patting a baby saying “it’s ok baby” that makes me melt. Preschoolers can do these same activities plus play games with the baby, listen for baby to wake from a nap (hopefully not wake baby from the nap…), assist with feeding times*, distract a slightly older baby when upset or a parent needs to go to the bathroom, and many more activities based on their capabilities. We have even let our preschoolers babywear their new siblings briefly with us right there to support. It can take more time and it isn’t always exactly helpful but it is special. School aged children can step it up even more including watching younger siblings for a parent to take a shower, introduce new games, babywear, respond to the baby’s cries (my bigger girls will actually call dibs on getting a crying little one), cuddle them when sick or tired, take them for walks, and more. Be respectful of their capabilities and don’t expect them to take your place, our children know they can always refuse opportunities to take on these responsibilities and sometimes they do but overall they enjoy the chance to be the one extending care.
2yo Squiggle Bug watching over 5 month old Smunchie while I observed from the sink doing dishes.
Gifts to share. We don’t expect our children to share their personal belongings out of obligation but we do intentional have quite a few play things that don’t specifically belong to any one person. Be it a bottle of bubbles to share together or a kitchen set, having playthings that belong to all of them and are more fun when shared with others encourages interactions together which goes a long way to securing those sibling bonds.
3yo Squiggle Bug and 1yo Smunchie making felt food together.
Dolls and plush toys. Copying mom and dad in caregiving helps little ones recognize the dependency of infants and toddlers as they care for their own “babies.” My children have used their dolls to work through their own issues with their siblings, creating scenarios of jealousy or frustration that they coach their “children” through. This important play helps them with their own feelings. Transitioning the youngest to being a big sibling when a new baby is on the way is supported by encouraging them to care for their own babies and when they don’t get to be worn as often as before the new baby, having a carrier for their own baby makes that transition so much easier.
Sugarbaby isn’t a big sister but she loves taking care of her dolls too.

Sugarbaby caring for her Frejay mom and baby doll even while she gets néné.

I love watching our children together. My heart nearly bursts as I see the love they share. So strong is their connection sometimes I feel like I’m intruding. They will have conflict and at times jealousy but with empathy and conflict management skills the basis of their relationship will remain strong and true. Our children are blessed to have each other and we are, in turn, blessed that they have each other. Having multiple children may not be for everyone, certainly having a large family like ours is not right for all parents, but the friendships our children have built in through each other is one of the best things we’ve ever done for our children.

To see more of our 6 daughters’ interactions, follow me on Instagram at jmartinweber.

I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at. – Maya Angelou

*Breastfeeding assistance can include helping mom get anything she needs, keep mommy company with a story, share a snack with mommy, etc. Those that bottle feed can include preschoolers and older children in the feeding times by helping them give a bottle and instructing them how to do so and sharing the experience with them. My babies have all received bottles at times when I had to be away from them for work reasons, left in the care of daddy or another trusted caregiver, their big sisters have loved getting to give them a bottle when I was away. Once solids are introduced, be it baby-led solids or baby food, sharing the adventure of new tastes and textures can be a lot of fun for everyone.

To celebrate fostering sibling bonds, Beco Baby is giving away 6 sets of carriers in honor of our 6 girls and the connection they share. Each prize pack includes a Soleil ($140 value) and a Beco Mini ($30 value) to encourage your bigger littles to practice their nurturing and copying mommy and daddy. Use the widget below to enter the giveaway and happy bonding, happy babywearing to your family! Open to USA residents only.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Filed Under: family, Featured, giveaway, Jessica, motherhood, Parenting, toddler Tagged With: #becosiblinglove, adding a new sibling, babywearing, Beco, Giveaway, how to help children bond with their siblings, Parenting, siblings, sister

Why I am not passionate about breastfeeding

December 11, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 6 Comments

by Jessica Martin-Weber

“How did you become so passionate about breastfeeding?”

This question comes up often. For a while I would hem and haw an answer, stringing together some words that were an attempt at sounding intelligent and reasonable as to why I would have created and continue to run The Leaky Boob. Awkward and fumbling, I hoped it covered the truth.

I’m not passionate about breastfeeding.

My second daughter received formula starting at 4.5 months and by 5 months was completely formula fed. The reasons are hardly the point of me sharing this fact. It was, we believed, the right thing for our family at the time and, like these things are want to be, complicated.

I never felt guilty about it, never even thought about feeling guilty about it. It just was. I’d like to say she was perfectly healthy and no issues what so ever but that wasn’t our experience. Between reflux that took months to resolve, constipation issues that took just as long and several expensive experiments, and then RSV, pneumonia, strep throat, multiple ear infections, and more than I care to recount, her first year was more difficult than I had ever anticipated. Formula didn’t make it better, much it was exasperated by formula. Still, through all that, guilt about stopping breastfeeding never occurred to me. Nor did anger, bitterness, or even hurt. I was sad, disappointed that it didn’t work for us but that didn’t last long and there wasn’t really anything I could do about it. Fighting like hell to be able to breastfeed had taken a toll and I was confident that giving it up was actually better for my daughter and I by that point.

I was right.

Later, when I shared my story with someone they comforted me, telling me dealing with that guilt must have been hard. Strange, I thought, why would I feel guilty? In that moment and many moments later as I reflected on the guilt I didn’t have, my confidence in my parenting and decision making began to erode a bit. Already struggling with postpartum depression, this little chink in the foundation of my parenting led to me believing that I was not fit to be a mother. It wasn’t this person’s fault but I entered a place of shadows and shame, afraid that I couldn’t trust myself to make decisions for my children.

Time, therapy, medication, and some really good friends supporting me by encouraging me to see that I was not, in fact, a horrible mother, helped me turn things around. Through that though, I began to understand something far more important than breastmilk or formula: confidence isn’t being right, confidence is more than believing in yourself to do the right thing, confidence is having peace with who you are even when you make mistakes. With my confidence growing again, I moved forward with my husband, embracing that doing the right thing for our family wouldn’t always be an issue of black and white, A and B, or left and right, but rather a sensitivity for all parties involved doing the best we could with whatever circumstances we would face with whatever resources, information, and understanding we had available at the time.

My next baby was breastfed, up until 18 months we had an easy, simple breastfeeding relationship that working full time and caring for 2 other children only complimented, never hindered. Weaning with her came unexpectedly when the single most difficult and devastating parenting experience we have encountered to date hit us: the sexual abuse of our two eldest by a very dear friend.

It was tempting to unravel in that time and in many ways I did. But our daughters needed me. Faking it often, I attempted confidence even as I asked how could I let this happen, how could I not see the signs, how could I… have failed so badly?

More time, therapy, and really incredible friends supporting us, we got through the investigation, trial, and agonizing fragmentation of our family. Each step was in uncharted and sometimes lonely waters with swells of failure sweeping over me. There was grief, pain, hurt, bitterness, doubt, and anger, so much anger. My confidence wavered and so did my husband’s. We considered a cabin in Montana and cutting off the outside world.

Our daughters didn’t need Montana though, they didn’t need to go off the grid and be isolated. What our daughters needed most was someone, something to be a safe landing place for them. That was us. There was never a moment that I was sure we were doing everything right as we walked the path in search of justice and healing and there were plenty of people telling us how we should be doing it or how we were doing it wrong. In the midst of the pain, grief, and anger, the truth we had learned before became an anchor along with our faith and love: confidence is having peace with who you are even when you make mistakes. Our daughters needed us to have confidence to help them land softly. There was space for us to be honest about our insecurities and fear but the greatest gift we could give our children along with our love was to have peace in our ability to love them well even through this.

Today, 9 years later, I know my husband and I are not perfect parents, we’ve made choices that we would change if we were to have the chance to make them again. Maybe I would fight harder to be able to breastfeed my second baby longer. Maybe I would have feed us all with better food. Maybe I would have done things differently in our relationship with our daughters’ attacker. Maybe I would handle the abuse another way. Maybe. I don’t really know. But I do know that having peace in who we are, holding on to peace even as it shreds in my hands pounded by guilt, bitterness, and anger, helped our daughters find peace in who they are. Together, we found healing.

Any more when I am asked why I’m so passionate about breastfeeding I tell the asker the truth: it’s not breastfeeding I’m passionate about. I support moms in breastfeeding because of the gift of confidence breastfeeding can be. Maybe it won’t be for everyone but for many it is, it was for me and so this is one way I can offer support. The science and relationship bonding are compelling on their own but they aren’t why I talk about breastfeeding so much. By not apologizing for our bodies, not suppressing our bodies, and having peace in who we are and how we are can help mothers find the confidence they are going to need for the really tough parts of parenting. Feeding their children, be it breastmilk or formula, is one of the very first steps all parents must take, undermining their confidence there is insidious and damaging. People that are confident are more free to love, learn, and live with joy. Babies with confident parents have a place to land softly no matter what life throws at them. I’m not passionate about breastfeeding, I never have been. People are my passion. People start out as babies. Babies are cared for by parents. Parents are people.

This may not make me popular in some circles, I don’t mind. But I believe that having a hurt, angry, bitter mother struggling with their own confidence and ability to parent is far, far worse than feeding a baby formula could ever be. I think breastmilk is great but I think caring for people is even greater. The benefits of confident parenting far outweigh the risks.

I would never tell a woman, or anyone, what to do with their body nor what to do with their child. Respecting their ability and responsibility in making the right decision for themselves and their family based on the circumstances they face with the information and resources available to them at that time means I don’t know what they should do. All I can do is offer support, information, and encourage them to embrace their confidence and move forward with peace.

This is why at The Leaky Boob we believe:

Feed the baby, care for the mother, support the family.

But if you need some help or support to feed your baby how you want: we are here.

If you need help with how to correctly mix and prepare a formula bottle: we are here.

If you need help with breastfeeding: we are here.

If you need help going back to work and continuing to breastfeed: we are here.

If you need help weaning (at any age): we are here.

If you need help starting solids: we are here.

If you just want to talk: we are here.

Walk in confidence, live with peace, land softly.

Community. Support. TLB.

Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding support, family, Featured, formula, guilt, Jessica, motherhood, Parenting, Uncategorized Tagged With: Breastfeeding, breastfeeding and society, confidence, confident parenting, formula feeding, imperfect parenting, lactavist, moms, motherhood, mothering, Parenting, sexual abuse, supporting women, The Leaky B@@b, The Leaky Boob, women's issues

Six myths about breastfeeding toddlers and preschoolers

October 4, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 19 Comments

Breastfeeding beyond the first year has been something of a hot topic over on The Leaky Boob page this week. It started when I shared this image from Health Canada.

The conversation quickly went from “YAY!” and “awww!” to “gross,” and “that’s sexual abuse of a child.” You can check it out yourself here but it may not be too good for your blood pressure and that’s with having deleted the worst of the comments. The next day I shared another related post presenting the perspective of a rather well-balanced 12 year old that remembers weaning at 4 years old. That thread on Facebook got pretty ugly too.

As I read through the comments I was a bit puzzled as to what the outcry was about. Putting the pieces together I began to see that it came down to what is really just some misunderstandings. Myths about breastfeeding beyond the first year and the women that are willing to do so fueled these passionate (AKA really, really angry) responses to these posts. Then the mothers that are fine breastfeeding beyond the first year were hurt, feeling judged based on myths that they did not find to be true of themselves. Some got defensive. And then more misunderstandings happened. It was a vicious cycle.

To help clear up the misunderstanding, let’s take a look at some of the (surprisingly) common myths held about natural duration breastfeeding.

Myth #1: Moms that breastfeed beyond the first year and definitely into the 3rd year or beyond are trying to keep their children as babies and can’t let go and let them grow up. If you don’t stop when they are young, they’ll never stop.

I’ve never met a parent that didn’t experience their child growing up and leaving various stages as bittersweet. We go into parenting knowing that’s the deal, and let’s be honest here, we’re all looking forward to being done with diapers when the time comes even though we’ll be sad when they don’t quite fit to cuddle on our laps any more. The moms I’ve talked to and from my personal experience, breastfeeding beyond 12 months isn’t about holding on to our child’s infancy, but there is a lot about embracing where they are in the moment. If they still want to breastfeed, fine, no arbitrary date on a calendar they can’t read dictates their needs or our response. As of yet there is no record of an adult needing their mother with them because they never weaned, really don’t think we need to worry about that.

Besides, breastfeeding a toddler or preschooler really is nothing like breastfeeding an infant. Gymnurstics, squirmy excitement, multitasking, etc., one can’t be breastfeeding a toddler and think “aw, it’s just like cuddling them that first day!” Even when they are falling asleep at the breast and miraculously still (and mom likely is falling asleep finally too) there’s nothing to confuse between those newborn tiny baby days where they fit into the crook of your arm at 7 pounds and the big ol’ toddler days with 30 pounds of limbs covering your lap. I am never more aware of just how fast my daughter is growing up than in those moments and breastfeeding isn’t helping me hold on, it’s helping her hold on as she gradually transitions from baby to toddler to preschooler to school aged child.

Myth #2: Breastfeeding beyond the first year is for the mom’s benefit, not for the child.

This could only be said by someone that hasn’t breastfed beyond the first 12 months. I can’t quite grasp this, I can’t get my child to give me a kiss, put on her shoes, or eat her food if she doesn’t want to, how in the world am I going to force her to breastfeed? And why would I? I mean, seriously, there are teeth in that mouth, for me to be willing to allow that mouth on my breast there has to be some very rearust established and I’m not going to risk getting bit just “for my benefit.” And breastfeeding a toddler or preschooler isn’t all rainbow farting unicorns either, it can be very challenging and while I’m no martyr I’m also honest and realistic enough to admit that not only are there some special sweet moments breastfeeding beyond the first 12 months but there are also some crazy hard moments that I can’t stand. Breastfeeding beyond the first 12 months isn’t for the mom’s benefit, it is for the mom and child’s benefit together.

Myth #3: Natural duration breastfeeding means a child won’t learn how to eat solids or use a cup. Breastfeeding should stop when the child gets teeth.

Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Where did that idea come from? Seriously, I can’t even begin to understand how someone made that rather large leap. Some babies are born with teeth, some cut them as early as a 2-4 months. Having teeth does not negate the nutritional and developmental requirements a child has. Not all babies warm up to solids right away but generally toddlers grasp the concept of eating solids and drinking from a cup quite well. One word for you: cheerios. All my girls that breastfed beyond the first year were well into solids and drinking out of a cup by the time their first birthday rolled around. Cake smashing was an event they enjoyed. Avocado was a favorite first food as well as banana, sweet potatoes, and chicken, and more, all by the first year. I have had my toddler finish at the breast and immediately sign “eat” or “drink.” She’s not confused, she just wants to have her boob, her cup, her cake, and to eat it too.

So let me set the record straight: breastfeeding for long beyond the first 12 months will not inhibit a child’s developmental ability to eat and drink other foods.

Myth #4: Mothers that breastfeed beyond a year are trying to force all other mothers to breastfeed beyond a year even if other mothers are uncomfortable doing so. Also, they judge any mother that doesn’t breastfeed beyond a year.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve got my hands full trying to get my own kids to do things, I have absolutely no desire to try and get anyone else to do anything else. Sharing information and promoting conversation is great, I’m all for it, but I don’t have the energy to force anyone to do anything. Breastfeed, don’t breastfeed. You don’t need my approval and I’m not looking to give it. You can breastfeed for 3 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years, I will support you. You may not breastfeed at all and whatever your reason, I can still support you as a person and fellow mother. My choices are not a reaction nor a judgment on yours. The information I share is not intended to guilt or to shame, simply share. Conversation is great but if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, there are lots of other people that do.

So now that we got that cleared up, let’s be friends. You take care of your kids, I’ll take care of mine. If we can learn from each other and encourage each other along the way, that would be awesome. If not… I bet there’s a place where you can find that and it will work for you and some place else for me.

Myth #5: Breasts are for sex so breastfeeding past 12 months is sexual abuse. Breasts are genitals and having a child suck on them is pedophilia.

Just… no. This myth is one giant ball of NO. Stop and think about it for just a minute. There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING that would constitute as sexual abuse at 18 months that was acceptable to do to a child at 6 weeks. People, please. No. Breastfeeding doesn’t suddenly turn into a sex act simply because of a birthday (or two or three). Breasts have a powerful sexual attraction to them, biologically men are drawn to find female breasts attractive in looking for a mate. Which makes sense because if they mate, well, breasts will be needed to feed the end result of that mating. Babies need boobies. Men are attracted to a mate that can feed babies. It’s all kind of linked. That doesn’t mean a child suckling at the breast is performing some kind of sexual act. GIANT BALL OF NO. Children are not sexually mature and hopefully a 3 year old hasn’t been exposed to the lies from society telling them that a woman’s body is first and foremost for the pleasure of others and selling things and all they know is that their mother is safe and warm and her milk is for them. Children do not understand the concept of sex, that would be projecting adult ideas onto them. In other words: if you see breastfeeding as a sexual act you have your own issues to deal with and you should leave the child out of it.

Myth #6: Breastfeeding after 12 months will cause a child mental health issues.

Thankfully, while there is a rise in mental health issues amongst today’s teens, breastfeeding does not appear to be related. At. All. Is “extended breastfeeding messing up our kids?” The answer is a resounding no.

I’m willing to bet that if these naysayers against natural duration breastfeeding actually met most mothers who practiced natural duration breastfeeding out with her child, unless her child was actually breastfeeding when the encountered them, they would think she was a normal, healthy mother lovingly caring for her children.

And they would be right.

Because she is a normal, healthy mother lovingly caring for her children.

Maybe breastfeeding beyond a year isn’t for you, maybe you’re uncomfortable seeing it. Maybe it’s no big deal to you and you have enjoyed that connection with your own child. Let’s let the myths go, they cloud the issue and distract from open dialogue, breaking down what could otherwise be a supportive, encouraging exchange of ideas in conversation.

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What other myths have you heard related to breastfeeding past the first 12 months? What has been your experience breastfeeding beyond a year?

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Filed Under: Article, baby-led weaning, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, child led weaning, extended breastfeeding, Facebook, family, Featured, Jessica, The Leaky Boob, toddler, Weaning Tagged With: Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding support, extended breastfeeding, extreme parenting, health canada breastfeeding is not just for newborns, moms, motherhood, natural duration breastfeeding, Parenting, Toddlers

Friends in low, I mean GREAT places!

August 16, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 158 Comments

The Leaky Boob has brought me friends I would not otherwise have had the chance to know. So many incredible people have become a part of my ever growing community, people I can count on, share with, commiserate with, and learn from. From fellow parents on this journey to experts in lactation and maternal health, from fellow bloggers sharing their lives, experiences, and knowledge to inspiring parenting supporters. People like you.

MommyCon brings many of these people together and I’ve had the chance to meet many of my online friends in real life. And I’m all like:

“They’re real!”

“They aren’t imaginary!”

“I’m a real boy!”

Fine, not the last part. But it’s still pretty exciting to meet so many, I consider dancing and singing.

Instead, I hold the camera.

Which turned out quite nicely for me this last weekend in Philly for MommyCon with Jamie from The Baby Guy NYC and January from Birth Without Fear following our different VIP meet and greet playdate events. I got to capture this…

I love it! Aren’t they great? I’ve got friends in GREAT places! As much fun and as talented as they are at karaoke after a long day of meeting people, they are even better at what they really do: supporting moms and families. Ask Jamie about any baby gear and he can give you facts and information plus the pros and cons compared to other products. January offers support with information and encouragement surrounding pregnancy and birth. Genuine and real, they are all about fostering engagement. And MommyCon takes that to a whole different level where fun, community, and genuine support combine to create a space that nurtures the nurturer and develops friendships. Thanks to Motherlove Herbal Company, I’m so looking forward to speaking at the rest of the upcoming MommyCons this year in Portland, Oregon and Kansas City, Kansas as well as participating as a speaker for the first ever BabyWearing World Record event in Los Angeles, California thanks to Moby Wrap.

Continuing and sharing the fun, we’re doing a giveaway to celebrate! Though I can’t promise karaoke at future MommyCons I know for certain we’re going to have a great time. I’d love to meet you there and now you have a shot at going for FREE! MommyCon, Motherlove, and Moby are teaming up with me for this announcement to giveaway 3 prizes:

Friends in great places Portland prize pack: two tickets including the VIP Leak and Great to MommyCon Portland, a trio of Motherlove salves (diaper rash and thrush, nipple salve, and green salve), one Moby wrap, and one Beco Soleil.

Friends in great places Kansas City prize pack: two tickets including the VIP Leak and Great to MommyCon Kansas City, a trio of Motherlove salves (diaper rash and thrush, nipple salve, and green salve), one Moby wrap, and one Beco Soleil.

Friends in great places Los Angeles prize pack: two tickets to the Babywearing World Record event, a trio of Motherlove salves (diaper rash and thrush, nipple salve, and green salve), one Moby wrap, and one Beco Soleil.

Use the widget below to enter. Please note, this giveaway is available only to those in the USA and Canada.

My only requests of the winners? That I get to meet you in person and take a picture together, ok?
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Filed Under: Featured, giveaway, Jessica Tagged With: babywearing, beco soleil, Birth Without Fear, friends in low places, Giveaway, karaoke, Moby Wrap, MommyCon, motherlove, Parenting, singing, support, The Baby Guy NYC

The Breastfeeding Toddler Explains

August 5, 2013 by theleakyb@@b 41 Comments

The transition from infant to toddler is usually a very gradual process, at times completely imperceptible. But it is very real and there are some very special aspects of breastfeeding a toddler that are unique. One shares with us.

Dear grown-ups,

My vocabulary is still quite limited but that doesn’t mean my brain isn’t going all the time and there are a few things you need to know. Particularly about breastfeeding toddlers. Because some grown-ups seem to get confused, I will take a moment to explain very simply so even an adult can understand. As a breastfed toddler, what I like to just call “human being”, I don’t understand why anyone would think I shouldn’t be breastfed. The milk is yummy, I like to be close to mommy, it’s fun, and I was just a baby still yesterday and I’m not grown up over night, you know. Also, I don’t care how many months I am, I know I like to breastfeed and I still need it, so please don’t make it sound gross or bad. That just seems mean. Don’t be a meanie. Some toddlers may be ready to move on, that’s fine and I’m not judging them but don’t judge me just because I’m not ready yet and need to breastfeed to get through my day. I don’t judge you for what you drink to get through your day, ok? Acting like there’s something gross and wrong about something I’ve been doing my whole life is confusing, just let me do my thing. I can’t imagine ever stopping breastfeeding but most of the people I see don’t breastfeed any more so I figure it’s inevitable I’ll stop at some point. Just not today.

Also, before someone tells me there’s no nutritional value to breastfeeding past the first year (it feels nutritional to me, more than most chicken nuggets) check out how breastmilk continues to change to meet my very special toddler requirements here and a mommy’s point of view on how special breastfeeding is here.

Toddler’s guide to breastfeeding (so simple, even a grown-up can understand):

Hungry? Breastfeed.
Sad? Breastfeed- rub mommy’s arm.
Happy? Breastfeed- giggle lots and dribble milk.
Bored? Breastfeed and sing with your mouth full of milk, won’t be bored any more!
Feeling silly? Breastfeed and growl while sticking finger up mommy’s nose, she’ll growl too!
Tired? Breastfeed.
Tired but don’t want to sleep? Breastfeed- keep switching sides.
Tired but don’t want to sleep and want to try to keep playing? Breastfeed- break out dance moves.
Want to go to sleep? Breastfeed.
Just wake up? Breastfeed and consider falling back asleep.
Fall asleep on the breast and mommy tries to sneak away? MUST BREASTFEED.
See mommy is busy and want her attention? NEED to breastfeed NOW. Sign milk constantly at the breast.
See mommy is not busy? Breastfeed.
See mommy is bored and needs something to do other than laundry? Breastfeed.
Mommy trying to work? Breastfeed.
Afraid mommy is going to go down the toilet? Keep mommy safe, saver her by holding on to the boobies by breastfeeding!
See mommy sat down? GET THE BOOBIES! Even if you just breastfed, breastfeed now, she wants you too, why else would she sit down?
See the ta-tas out when mom is changing? BREASTFEED NOW! DO NOT LET THEM GET AWAY!
Fall down? Breastfeed, pop off and wail occasionally to remind everyone what happened.
Get hurt? Breastfeed.
Got hurt yesterday but just remember? Breastfeed and whine at the same time.
Broken toy? Breastfeed, pull mom’s hair so she knows how upset you are.
Can’t climb that stupid gate thing? Breastfeed and point at it.
Break mommy or daddy’s toy? Breastfeed and make sure she keeps looking you in the eye until the oxytocin kicks in and you help her forget about the toy.
See mommy and daddy kiss? Breastfeed and slap daddy away.
See mommy and daddy hug? Breastfeed and give daddy the evil eye.
See friend breastfeeding? Breastfeed more than them.
Mommy sleepy? Time for gymnurstics.
Mommy tries to exercise? Breastfeed- insist on side lying.
Mommy eating? Breastfeed- time for gynurstics or stick fingers in her mouth.
Mommy getting ready for date with daddy? Breastfeed- insist on hand on other one too, give daddy stink-eye.
Mommy talking on the phone? Breastfeed while standing on her lap, pop off occasionally to yell in her face to help her talk.
Mommy making food for other people? Remind her how easy it is to breastfeed. If she doesn’t do it right away, cling to leg, refuse the carrier, and jam your hands down her shirt as soon as possible.
Need to pee? Breastfeed then freak.
Just changed diaper and need to poop? Breastfeed.
Wearing clothes? Breastfeed.
Naked? Breastfeed?
Love dinosaurs, baby dolls, trains, elephants, anything else? Breastfeed to celebrate and tell mommy all about it.
Get a new toy? Breastfeed and insist mommy breastfeed the toy too.
Toys get hungry? Have mommy breastfeed toy, get angry that mommy is sharing with toy, throw tow, breastfeed and give toy stink-eye.
On a plane? Breastfeed- swallow loudly to clear ears and make everyone happy you’re not screaming.
Headed to the car? Quick, arch back, twist, anything, BREASTFEED.
Mommy holding you while meeting new people? Breastfeed or at least let them know the boobies are yours by shoving hands in mommy’s shirt.
Daddy and mommy snuggling in bed? Need that boob! No, that one! No, the other one! Must breastfeed on both right now!
Mommy in shower? Let her know you need to breastfeed and are worried the shower will wash your milk away. Screaming may be necessary.
Walking? Breastfeed every couple of steps.
Climbing? Breastfeed when they move you off things. Every time.
Have sickies? Breastfeed lots and lots and lots.
Cutting molars? Smash all the things! And breastfeed.
See picture of breastfeeding? Breastfeeding for all!
Hear music? Do the breastfeeding dance.
Knock over block tower? Breastfeed- hold block and hit mommy with it.
Grandma coming over? Breastfeed and tell her how excited you are about it at the same time.
Having a first experience? Breastfeed.
Think mommy is going to leave without you? Desperately need to breastfeed to avoid starvation.
Mommy returns home after being out? Five minutes or 5 hours, you must breastfeed while berating her for leaving even if you didn’t actually notice she was gone.

Isn’t breastfeeding wonderful?

You know what else is wonderful? The roll of toilet paper. You can use the whole thing to fill the potty, it’s so fun! And then mommy has to clean up a giant mess and it’s time to breastfeed again. Everyone has fun!

Love,

Your friendly local breastfeeding toddler.

___________________________

What would you or your toddler add to this list of toddler breastfeeding? Have you changed your views of breastfeeding beyond a year?

___________________________

Filed Under: Article, baby-led weaning, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding and society, breastfeeding humor, child led weaning, family, Featured, humor, Jessica, motherhood, Parenting, toddler, Weaning Tagged With: breastfeeding and society, extended breastfeeding, family, full term breastfeeding, motherhood, natural duration breastfeeding, nursing, nursing necklace, Parenting, Toddler, toddler breastfeeding, toddler explains breastfeeding

Like Jazz- from breastfeeding to parenting, what we can learn from Jazz

July 29, 2013 by theleakyb@@b Leave a Comment

photo credit Vox Efx’s

I’m not one for labels, I categorically refuse to be categorized. For every possible label I can find a reason it does and doesn’t apply. Parenting style is no exception Attachment parent, mainstream…

But recently I may have found a term that may fit: jazz.

Talk to any IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) and they’ll tell you how important it is in the early days to follow your baby’s lead, feed on demand. Like the harmonious relationship of jazz musicians in a band, breastfeeding dyads play back and forth following each other’s cues to work together in this relationship. A relationship that can be life and death. The babe roots, the mother offers her breast, the babe suckles, the mother’s body releases oxytocin and she experiences a surge of bonding love and her colostrum or full milk lets down, the babe strengthens their suck, the mother’s uterus contracts helping heal the wound inside her where the placenta was, the babe settles into a sucking rhythm, the mom relaxes and her milk flows, filling her baby’s tummy and strengthening their bond. Give and take, the pair responds to the notes the other plays and together they make beautiful music that becomes a part of their relationship onward. Breastfeeding like jazz.

When The Piano Man and I joined the organization we work for we were (and are still) excited about participating in work that is making a difference in the world by focusing on bringing people together to help the oppressed. With our coworkers, we are working to end slavery, stand against abuse, fight hunger, and share hope. Getting involved would change us, we knew, but we thought we knew what that change would likely look like and where it would affect us.

But we were surprised with how it has helped us grow outside those expected areas and our boss has directly impacted our parenting. Never saw that coming. The president of the organization, Scott Olson, approaches leadership in a way that is different from what we’ve experienced before and frees everyone involved to function according to their own unique strengths and with this we have flourished. He calls it “leading like jazz”:

There are times when we as leaders need to take a classical approach. Highly detailed projects require careful attention to detail. We need to play every note on the page. I don’t want my dentist playing “jazz” in my mouth during a root canal. I want accuracy. I want rules followed. I want exact science applied. Many leaders are process people and have personalities that tend to make them focus on details, accuracy, and good process. But there are certain situations that call for a different approach. There are times when we encounter obstacles and ambiguity, times where a little “jazz” is just what it takes to lead on another level.

Without a doubt, to play jazz well it helps to know the structure and music theory, to be comfortable with the blues scale and to have a repertoire of rhythm, but it’s in knowing how to freely interact within that structure that keeps jazz interesting and easily adaptable.

It’s scary, this leading like jazz. Sometimes it seems like a giant experiment where everything could go wrong and it will all fall apart. That’s when Scott will tell me that as long as we “fall forward” we’re making progress and learning along the way. The amazing thing? Though we do have mishaps and mistakes, there’s actually not as much falling as one might expect. Instead, we see our team members try new and daring things, integrating community change in ways that have never been done before and, quite frankly, changing the world. We’ve seen schools started in the poorest areas of the world and staffed by nationals, successful businesses started amongst the lowest of a society, the most ignorable voices recognized and heard, young women able to start new lives free of the sex trade they were forced into, and so much more. Bold steps taken that others would have told us were impossible or too dangerous but allowed to play out “like jazz.” And it has been beautiful.

Over the last 16 months we’ve become more comfortable with Scott’s jazz leadership and have seen how much of that same philosophy already fits in with our parenting. Instead of controlling and specific accuracy expected of our children, a more jazz-like approach releases notes of surprising heights and innovative opportunities. By trusting that our children are unique individuals that can be trusted and relaxing our desire to script every step of their growth, we have discovered just how incredible they are and what amazing things they are capable of. From 1-14 years old, our children are such free flowing confident individuals that as we relax more and trust the journey, they are showing us that from letting go of control we all work together better. And it’s a lot more fun trusting that they are already bringing their unique strengths and notes to the music of our family.

photo credit Jospeh Cote

In part 1 of his Lead Like Jazz series, Scott goes on to lay out 5 points to leading like jazz.

1. Risk: The drummer tried something different (took a risk and felt the freedom to do so). Sometimes our leadership style can be so controlling that it stifles the creativity of others. If we hope to work together in a way that produces fresh ideas and creative results, our team members need to feel free to improvise.

2. Listening: The bass player heard what the drummer was doing and changed the notes and rhythm. Listening to what’s happening around you (what others are saying or how they’re reacting) can take you in a new and more creative direction.

3. Collaboration: Because there’s no sheet music and no conductor in jazz, the success of the song is dependent on everyone’s contribution. Everyone must be actively engaged and doing their part. This results in spontaneous and beautiful teamwork.

4. Awareness: Eye contact and body language are keys to great jazz performance. Jazz musicians watch each other, smile, nod, and sometimes use hand gestures. Nobody ever taught them these signals, they just picked them up. Why? How else would you create something beautiful without sheet music and a conductor? All you have is each other, so you have to be watching, listening, and observing.

5. Sensitivity: Have you ever wondered how jazz groups bring a song to an end? After all, there’s no sheet music or conductor to signal the final note. But they just do. They know when the song is over. They feel it and sense that they’ve done all they can do, and have enjoyed every moment. No one yells out over the music, “We are going to end the song now!” There’s no need. They’ve been on an experiential journey. They’ve been literally in tune with each other, and they just intuitively know when it’s time to move on to the next song.

(You can read the other two parts of this series here and here if you are interested.)

Applied to parenting and the different aspects of parenting, from birth and breastfeeding to guiding an older child as they pursue career aspirations, these 5 points of leading like jazz can help parents with their own leadership responsibilities. With the freedom to take risks (i.e. breastfeed even though you can’t measure out exactly what baby’s going to eat!) families can discover how they work together producing fresh ideas and creative results with the flexibility to improvise as needs arise. By listening, parents can adjust to meet the needs of the child according to their developmental stage rather than parental expectations as to what the child “should” be doing opening up opportunities to go in a new and more creative direction and freeing each member from oppressive expectations. Everyone matters when we approach family as a collaboration, instead of being bound by roles defined by others, each member in the family from young to old can work together to contribute by actively engaging according to capabilities, needs, and strengths for a spontaneous and beautiful example of real life teamwork. Awareness requires each member to communicate and pay attention to each other in a mutual understanding that all we have is each other so we have to be paying attention and developing the skills of watching, listening, and observing. And when it’s time to move on the atmosphere cultivated by this community of teamwork will foster a natural sensitivity from being secure that each personality and family member is valued. There won’t be a need to yell over the music, the confidence we have in each other means that even subtle communication will be received and working together we’ll each find our way in the group.

Like those early days of breastfeeding where mom and baby play off each other within a basic framework of needs, communication, response, and awareness, parenting can continue along the same path where parents “lead like jazz.” Together, we can make some beautiful music together.

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What about you? Do you think you parent with a more structured approach like classical music? Or more like jazz? Or some other style entirely?

Did the breastfeeding journey start out for you like a strict set of notes on the page or a more fluid relationship with risk, listening, collaboration, awareness, and sensitivity? How has breastfeeding influenced your parenting onward? What jazz notes have surprised you as you’ve learned to work with and adapt to the uniqueness of those in your family?

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Filed Under: Article, Breastfeeding, family, Featured, Jessica, Parenting Tagged With: breastfeeding and parenting, breastfeeding like jazz, breastfeeding on demand, International Teams, jazz, leading like jazz, Parenting, parenting style, Scott Olson

Breastfeeding, sexism, and public opinion polls

Breastfeeding and thinking of others

By Jessica Martin-Weber

Guest Post from Suzanne of The Fearless Formula Feeder- Mean People Suck.

Sleep dreams

This post made possible by the generous support of Arm’s Reach Concepts.

6 lessons our 6 kids have taught us in fostering sibling bonds + 6 #BecoSiblingLove carrier packs

by Jessica Martin-Weber

This post made possible by the generous support of Beco Baby Carriers.

Why I am not passionate about breastfeeding

by Jessica Martin-Weber

Six myths about breastfeeding toddlers and preschoolers

Friends in low, I mean GREAT places!

The Breastfeeding Toddler Explains

Like Jazz- from breastfeeding to parenting, what we can learn from Jazz

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By Jessica Martin-Weber

This post made possible by the generous support of Arm’s Reach Concepts.

by Jessica Martin-Weber

This post made possible by the generous support of Beco Baby Carriers.

by Jessica Martin-Weber

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